DH stag do

[user12123]

Firstly I know I have trouble with insecurities and low self esteem both of which I'm getting help for.

I've name changed as I don't want this thread linked to any of my others.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years and have only been with each other (relevant to the rest of the post) and tbh are in a great place however I feel like I'm in self destruct mode due to an upcoming stag do next month in which he is best man. The thing that is bothering me is that the destination is abroad (might be outing if I'm specific about the location) and the reputation that it has.

I have no problems with DH doing things outside of our marriage and having time out from DC etc but the thought of him being out there makes me feel uneasy. He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel. I trust him completely and he is the best DH and DF but I can't handle the thought of him possibly going into a club especially in a place like this.

I'm really just looking for some words of advice on how to deal with these feelings and to be told the stag so won't be as bad as I'm building it up in my head!

I trust he won't cheat and wouldn't be buying any dances etc if he had to go inside but spirling into a ball of insecurity and it's impacted my mental health majorly. As we have only been intimate with each other I feel as though dynamics will change and he will prefer their body to mine etc.

Sorry for the long post.

After 10 years of being together without any problems your DH is very unlikely to have his head turned after one holiday.

Do you know they are going to go to a strip club? I'm certain that the group will have discussed what they plan to do when abroad. If your DH is 'against' strip clubs then he could choose not to go out that night. But if he's already mentioned it to you, it sounds like he's expecting to be going to a strip club/s, and is preparing you for that.

It's up to you how that makes you feel (I would think less of my DH if he went to one, but of course that's a personal opinion), but it doesn't mean he's going to go off you. I can't imagine he's not seen another woman's body in the past 10 years (dressed, in the street or naked, online) and he's still happy with you.

You say you trust him completely - so stop worrying about it. If you trust someone, you trust them.

I realise saying 'stop worrying about it' is easier said than done by the way. Just not sure there is an easy answer other than to keep reminding yourself you trust him.

Maybe plan something lovely for you and him for the following weekend, and focus on that instead?

And plan something fun for while he's away so you don't just sit at home thinking about it.

Is it Amsterdam? My DP went there many years ago on a stag. He said he found the whole place seedy, tacky and incredibly unsexy.

Some men like strip clubs (one of my exes). Some men find them really vulgar and awkward (current DP). If your DH is in the latter category, he’d probably find it awkward and unsexy and just a bit uncomfortable even if he ended up in there. If he’s reassured you and you’ve had no reason to doubt him in the past, I’d try not to worry.

Maybe take yourself off to stay with friends or family while he’s away to keep your mind off it.

@layladomino

After 10 years of being together without any problems your DH is very unlikely to have his head turned after one holiday.

Do you know they are going to go to a strip club? I'm certain that the group will have discussed what they plan to do when abroad. If your DH is 'against' strip clubs then he could choose not to go out that night. But if he's already mentioned it to you, it sounds like he's expecting to be going to a strip club/s, and is preparing you for that.

It's up to you how that makes you feel (I would think less of my DH if he went to one, but of course that's a personal opinion), but it doesn't mean he's going to go off you. I can't imagine he's not seen another woman's body in the past 10 years (dressed, in the street or naked, online) and he's still happy with you.

You say you trust him completely - so stop worrying about it. If you trust someone, you trust them.

Thanks for your response it's much appreciate.

DH is the best man and has actually had me helping him out with most of the planning as he found it a bit difficult as he suffers from social anxiety so I know there's no set plans for one but I know that's not to mean that the group won't venture out to one.

He has said that he doesn't want to go inside and said himself he would be disappointed as he is morally against it so I know that if he did have to go it wouldn't be his chosen choice if that makes sense? I of course would rather he stick with the group and be safe but I'm worried I like you will think less of him.

I do trust him completely, in the cheating sense, but worry he will end up going due to the crowd and worse if he actually enjoys it.

That's a lovely idea re planning a nice weekend, I think that's something I'll get sorted for next month.

I know his head hasn't turned and the chances are these girls he won't ever see again (if he does go) but I can't shake this hurt of him seeing/enjoying a naked woman in real life!

@AmandaHugenkiss

Is it Amsterdam? My DP went there many years ago on a stag. He said he found the whole place seedy, tacky and incredibly unsexy.

Some men like strip clubs (one of my exes). Some men find them really vulgar and awkward (current DP). If your DH is in the latter category, he’d probably find it awkward and unsexy and just a bit uncomfortable even if he ended up in there. If he’s reassured you and you’ve had no reason to doubt him in the past, I’d try not to worry.

Maybe take yourself off to stay with friends or family while he’s away to keep your mind off it.

Similar to Amsterdam and has its own "red light district". DH has the same view as your DP but I can't help but worry that he'll change his mind when he's there with his friends.

DH has always said he isn't a fan and has never been inside one, a stag do last year for his brother proved this as he went back to the hotel whilst they all ventured inside - although this was in the Uk so a lot safer to do.

It's reassuring to hear that the chances are he will feel uncomfortable and won't enjoy the experience but I can't shift the feeling of upset of him being around naked woman and possibly enjoying it!

I have 2 DC under 2 so I think I'll take them away with my family for the weekend.

Thanks for your post.

He has said that he doesn't want to go inside and said himself he would be disappointed as he is morally against it so I know that if he did have to go it wouldn't be his chosen choice if that makes sense? I of course would rather he stick with the group and be safe but I'm worried I like you will think less of him.

He's a big boy OP, if he really was morally against them and didn't want to go in one then even if nobody agreed with him, he would get an uber back to their accommodation.

He knows his mates especially if he's the best man. He will know whether it's a forgone conclusion that the majority of them will want to go. He needs to be honest about that either way and as I say, if he feels strongly about it genuinely then he is a big boy and can find his way back to where they're staying if the rest all want to go in.

Prague possibly.

Strip clubs in Eastern Europe can also be brothels im afraid.

I've had this and when intense peer pressure, "loyalty" and deference to the stage, group dynamics, and (i felt) exaggerated safety concerns about people separating off all came into play;he went in
He compounded it by lying afterward.

I think think its a pity this location (and typical activities) have been chosen; I never understand why men who truly aren't interested in heavy drinking, recrwational drugs strip club/brothel.crawling etc etc don't lobby hard to do an outdoor activities, team building, challenging thing - somewhere there'd be no strip clubs.

I take it your partner did not choose the location even if he is the best man.

In my experience, it affected our relationship so badly that I would make a decision- a black and white decision with ni ambivalence before he goes. Make ut vlear what the stakes are if he goes back on the decision.

Because I left it up to him.(he told me the stag had no intention) and didn't say ot would damage our relationship, and I regretted that. (Tbh o didn't expect it to damage our relationship or affect me as much as it did).

OP, if you trust him then you need to try put it to the back of your head as much as you can.

If he ' enjoyed ' looking at a naked girls body in person, it's something that really can not be stopped. It's the acting on it, the lying about it, the choosing to do it time & time again, and so on.

They're working girls stripping for money to pay their bills who will quite honestly have no interest in your partner.

If you was invited to a hen do & there was a male stripper would you pop outside, turn your head, pretend you can't see ? Ect. Maybe so but it would be unlikely!

The fact you trust him is all you need. Believe in that, believe in yourself and believe in your love for each other.

Don't let this eat you up and ruin your relationship.

In my case ( if he told the truth) the club he felt he had to go in to (noone else was staying out and he felt he'd be a party pooping, "disloyal", odd ball, breaking up the group, there were bullshit claims made about safety too)included table dances with the price of entry. He told me table dances were not close, i have no idea. He told me table dances were topless only; I read they pulled their knickers down tk their knees towards the end of the "dance" etc etc.
So going in and sitting at the bar/somewhere, inadvertently watching any stage stripping/dancing was not what happened. Not that I'd have berm okay donkey with that tbh.

Who knows what the setup would be in any club they may go into. I do know however that a guy who attended a stag do and went into a strip club in Prague (or perhaps anpther EE capital, I'm not 100%) said the group.members went off for private dances and didn't come back.for 45 mins or more, a few saud they had blow jobs etc afterward. So they cross into outright prostitution, and those clubs are gang run.

They're working girls stripping for money to pay their bills who will quite honestly have no interest in your partner.

I can't say I gave two fucks about the women stripping/dancing in the club my h went into; I never thought for a second they'd be interested sexually or romantically in him (unless they thought he was wealthy or something, then digits might be exchanged) . ... that wasn't it.
That was never it.

It was that t felt like our sexual intimacy and exclusivity had been taunted & tarnished. It was I couldn't stop thinking about him sat in that club with a woman bumping and grinding in a thong in front of him when we were in.cosy domestic ordinary situations; I'd think "wtaf", what is this wanker doing in my home environment. That was more important than my feelings, than pur bond.
It was that i didn't want to be in a relationship with a laddy, cavalier, disrespectful to women dickhead who thought it was appropriate in a relationship.

Why do so many women not get that??!

It's always - you're insecure; nah, I'm not, I could strip and lap dance if I wanted, my looks are "sufficient". "They're not interested in him"; yeah, I know, I don't gaf. I'm more interested in his values.

(Just to be clear, when I said I didn't gaf about the strippers/dancers, I mean their intentions or behaviour towards my partner. Not any issues/problems/circumstances that led then to be working in the "lighter" end of the sex industry; that, I do care about. And zero judgement on them; its the punters I judge).

Not every stag do ends up in strip clubs.

You are overthinking it and need to work on that. If he loves you and respects your views then he won’t go in one and will just go back to the hotel. If it happens at all!

He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel

Not being funny, but an adult man can’t find his way back to a hotel he really shouldn’t be going abroad.

Look op, there’s a reason men pick these destinations. Personally It sounds like he’s intending to go and it setting up a story where he claims was too scared to get a taxi back.

@FlorenciaFlora

He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel

Not being funny, but an adult man can’t find his way back to a hotel he really shouldn’t be going abroad.

Look op, there’s a reason men pick these destinations. Personally It sounds like he’s intending to go and it setting up a story where he claims was too scared to get a taxi back.

Yeah this.

He can get an uber like a grown up if he doesn't want to walk.

I'd be more worried about him going to a place where it's unsafe for him to be out alone??

Hey OP. I used to have a lot of problems with anxiety around relationships (massively helped by therapy which I really recommend) - it sounds like your DH is a lovely guy.

Is it worth running through your anxieties and what they mean in real life?

So - you are worried at the thought of him seeing and being turned on by another woman - being realistic, he could be looking at pornhub all day long on his phone if he wanted to - many, many men do that (my husband doesn't and I wouldn't want to be with someone who does - but a lot of women accept it)

If your husband wanted to fantasise about other women - he doesn't need to go abroad to do that. He isn't going to become a different person because of being in the vicinity of 'ladies' - he is who he is and this trip won't change that.

either you trust him or you don't - a man who is two faced or a flirt can do it anywhere - at a bus stop, in an office - again, nothing to do with stag dos.

In a long marriage nobody can promise never to have sexual thoughts about other people - that is honestly not realistic and I wouldn't want to know my husbands deep dark fantasies - as long as he is respectful and doesn't flirt in real life, I don't need access to his mind.

AS I said, I do recommend looking into this - it might seem impossible to imagine but you could probably talk these kind of anxieties through with a therapist and find they have their roots in your own upbringing and have nothing to do with your partner.

Just to add - if your husband does go to a strip club you are totally enttled to say you are very unhappy about it. Your boundaries are up to you - and I agree with others, being 'alone' at night in a european city should really not be a concern for a grown man.

He has said that he doesn't want to go inside and said himself he would be disappointed as he is morally against it so I know that if he did have to go it wouldn't be his chosen choice if that makes sense

It actually doesn’t make sense. He’s an adult who has free will. You both seem to be setting the stage for him to be forced into going.

I do trust him completely, in the cheating sense, but worry he will end up going due to the crowd and worse if he actually enjoys it

If you are worried he’s going to cave into group pressure then you don’t trust him. Why on earth do women tolerate their husbands booking trips away to these seedy places? Id tell my husband not to bother coming back.

OP... I very much doubt your other half has not seen another womans naked body in all the time you've been together. Of course he has. He's not suddenly going to be "oh! There ARE different body's to my OH, who knew!?" . He already knows through social media, advertising, films, basic common sense and he has chosen you. There will be no huge revelation for him IF he goes to a strip club.

If the stag is in a destination known for strip clubs/sex industry/stags, then they will be going into a strip club.
It’s down to you as to whether you believe him or not. Personally, no, I think it’s highly unlikely he will wait outside whilst they all go in. There are very few true feminist men out there. Most just tell you what you need to hear

Are you sure the insecurities and low self esteem don't stem from you relationship? You've no comparison, which isn't your fault obvs.

Him saying he doesn't like strip clubs is a lie OP - White lie maybe, but utter bollocks. What straight man doesn't like looking at women's bodies- stop hassling him about it.

At the end of the day, you can't control life, so you'll have to learn C'est la vie - in other words, stop building things up and just let it happen. If he cheats, you can't stop it and if he doesn't then great.

I suffer from anxiety so I understand the over thinking here. My husband went to The Netherlands too for his stag do to watch a band perform in their last ever tour. You either trust him or you don't, you can't have this both ways.

Stop worrying about stuff, it's pointless waste of energy.

Him saying he doesn't like strip clubs is a lie OP - White lie maybe, but utter bollocks. What straight man doesn't like looking at women's bodies- stop hassling him about it.

As you'll seafront my post above, I pretty much detest men who go I to strip clubs (and lad culture, sex industry culture as well) but i will say that I've heard men's opinions on strip.clubs, men who had no reason to lie, and some genuinely do not appreciate strip clubs. They find it vulgar, sleazy, uncomfortable, sometimes even boring, fake, extortionate etc. They don't like feeling under pressure to spend, they don't want sexual interaction that commodified (due to pride, frugality, authenticity .etc.

*see from, not seafront ffs

Why on earth do women tolerate their husbands booking trips away to these seedy places

Yeah this too.

Whose idea was this particular (notorious) location?

Not every stag do ends up in strip clubs.

They usually do if the stag party chooses a destination known for them.