DH stag do

[user12123]

Firstly I know I have trouble with insecurities and low self esteem both of which I'm getting help for.

I've name changed as I don't want this thread linked to any of my others.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years and have only been with each other (relevant to the rest of the post) and tbh are in a great place however I feel like I'm in self destruct mode due to an upcoming stag do next month in which he is best man. The thing that is bothering me is that the destination is abroad (might be outing if I'm specific about the location) and the reputation that it has.

I have no problems with DH doing things outside of our marriage and having time out from DC etc but the thought of him being out there makes me feel uneasy. He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel. I trust him completely and he is the best DH and DF but I can't handle the thought of him possibly going into a club especially in a place like this.

I'm really just looking for some words of advice on how to deal with these feelings and to be told the stag so won't be as bad as I'm building it up in my head!

I trust he won't cheat and wouldn't be buying any dances etc if he had to go inside but spirling into a ball of insecurity and it's impacted my mental health majorly. As we have only been intimate with each other I feel as though dynamics will change and he will prefer their body to mine etc.

Sorry for the long post.

@user12123 It's because it was a stag do I don't know why but any other circumstances and I'd have been raging.Its sort of a cliche of a stag do isn't it which is why I think it didn't shock I must have been expecting it I suppose.

[quote MintyGreenDream]@user12123 It's because it was a stag do I don't know why but any other circumstances and I'd have been raging.Its sort of a cliche of a stag do isn't it which is why I think it didn't shock I must have been expecting it I suppose.[/quote]
I completely get that! I wonder if I'd have felt differently about all of this If we both had a past? I think for us sexual intimacy etc has only ever been with each other so I'm hating the thought of him being in a sexualised situation with someone else other than me. I might sound crazy but this is all new to me as I've never had to experience "competition" if that makes sense.

I think it's likely he will go to a club. I think this talk of not wanting to be alone is just laying the groundwork for that. Any man who was really dead set against it wouldn't entertain the idea, and they would probably have like minded friends, so it wouldn't be an issue. Yet your DH is going away with men for whom its a possibility, and has already come up with his excuses to you (not to them!) in advance. I think you need to either make your peace with that, and ethics aside, its no more threat to you than any other attractive unobtainable woman would be; or, if its very much against your values, tell him categorically no. (Alternatively you could do what a lot of women seem to do: 'believe' him when he says he's completely against it on principle, has no interest, and was back at the hotel by 10pm.)

@5128gap

I think it's likely he will go to a club. I think this talk of not wanting to be alone is just laying the groundwork for that. Any man who was really dead set against it wouldn't entertain the idea, and they would probably have like minded friends, so it wouldn't be an issue. Yet your DH is going away with men for whom its a possibility, and has already come up with his excuses to you (not to them!) in advance. I think you need to either make your peace with that, and ethics aside, its no more threat to you than any other attractive unobtainable woman would be; or, if its very much against your values, tell him categorically no. (Alternatively you could do what a lot of women seem to do: 'believe' him when he says he's completely against it on principle, has no interest, and was back at the hotel by 10pm.)

Thank you for your input it's all appreciated.

To clarify, it was myself who had initially said the only reason I'd be okay with him going was if it was safer to stay with the group than wander off alone but will be having a chat with him about how this isn't the case anymore as even that would bother me. As I've said in a previous post it's the grooms friends who are likely advocates but unfortunately my DH has to associate with them for the sake of the stag. He has told his friend and the other party members in the groupchat that he is not wanting to go and has not organised a thing involving strippers despite him being the best man so I highly doubt it'll be pre planned if he goes to a club but of course I still have the nagging feeling that it might happen in the spur of the moment.

I know these women aren't a threat in a sense it's just the thought of DH potentially being in a sexualised setting in which isn't with me. He of course will find women attractive etc but I feel that's different from being surrounded by naked dancing women.

Out of the group of 30 odd

That is a very large stag group. I would be astonished if by the evening after all day boozing it has not splintered into smaller groups all doing their own thing.

Sadly in my experience men who would never normally set foot in strip clubs do go in a group when it's a stag do, and just don't tell their wives/partners because they have said they wouldn't be ok with them going. It has happened several times within our close circle and in my own relationship. It did a lot of damage. All you can do OP is make it very clear its a deal breaker for you, and trust that he will be honest with you.

I do understand what you're saying but its a difficult one, as I think this is one area where a lot if women and men are simply not on the same page. Most women loathe strip clubs, either for ethical reasons or for other reasons such as yours. While most men, in fact i believe the majority, have a fairly neutral stance. Yes, you get the ones who love them, and at the other end of the spectrum, those who make all the right noises about how disgusting and/or exploitative it is and how they wouldn't dream of it (which may or may not be true) but in reality they probably don't have strong opinions. Because of this they often struggle to see why its a big deal and will go, and assume you will be a bit annoyed, but will get over it. If you genuinely feel you wouldn't you really need to speak up and explain. If you issue an ultimatum without trying to make him understand he won't take you seriously.

While most men, in fact i believe the majority, have a fairly neutral stance

They would have a neutral stance if there was a true equivalent for women and their partner's were going into them on hen does etc.
(Strip/dance shows are not, and they have to be organised & booked well ahead).

Men rarely have to experience the equivalent and when thry do they really dont fkg like it.

The intentional.cluelessness/lack of empathy and hypocrisy about this is engaging. Abd that's not even getting onto ethics. EE clubs and some hol destination clubs are run by and for gabgs. Do you think the women who end up working in them have total autonomy and freedom, no coercion or threat or fear or obligation?
That's another type of intentional cluelessness that is immoral.

*they wouldn't

It sounds like you're going to do this, but from my experience, I would tell him that you are not simply OK with him going into a strip club/brothel and if he does so; he'll be returning to, at best, a damaged marriage.

If he lies and it comes out later, the damage will be even worse.

Having experienced what what have, I'd make it black and white.

If older men may be heading back to hotel early/ier he could leave then too.

He needs to set this up ahead of time so no logistics or navigation or drunkeness factors get in the way of him leaving. Also to prep the stag and other younger men so the chorus of disapproval/pressure is not so strong.

He may even be best to discretely leave if they're drunk and confirm with a text tat he's back at hotel and fine.

OP I appreciate that this is really difficult for you but do you not think you're becoming rather controlling about this? A naked woman in a strip club isn't a threat to your relationship but you seem to be turning it into one. You're saying that you don't want him to ever see a naked woman because he might compare you to them.So are you going to ban him from going to the beach as well just in case there are topless woman there?

Like most on this thread, I think strip clubs are sleazy and would not want to be in a relationship with someone who went to them regularly. And if I was the bride in this situation, I might well be having second thoughts about how well I know my husband-to-be who seemingly butter won't melt in his mouth but wants a stag weekend in Prague. Beautiful city as Prague is, it's not the architecture stag weekends go there to admire.

But you can't dictate to your husband like this. You're not being fair. This is all about your insecurities. Giving him an ultimatum isn't fair. It sounds like you have form for doing similar in your past with him. You have to stop pushing your insecurities on to him so that he has to change rather than you face your issues. I say this kindly but please get some therapy. And if you're getting it already, get some more.

He seems like a nice and very sensitive, considerate man. But he is human. You cannot keep him locked away or this may well backfire on you in the future. You say you trust him, and he's clearly not given you any reason not to be trusted, so show you trust him.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Out of the group of 30 odd

That is a very large stag group. I would be astonished if by the evening after all day boozing it has not splintered into smaller groups all doing their own thing.

DH isn't a big drinker at all, he's been out maybe 3 times in the last 3 years so I have no idea how he's going to handle all of the fun lol

@moomin11

Sadly in my experience men who would never normally set foot in strip clubs do go in a group when it's a stag do, and just don't tell their wives/partners because they have said they wouldn't be ok with them going. It has happened several times within our close circle and in my own relationship. It did a lot of damage. All you can do OP is make it very clear its a deal breaker for you, and trust that he will be honest with you.

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences, if it wasn't for previous times where he's stayed away and stood up to the crowd that he wasnt going then I'd be incline to think the same of DH. I really hope he sticks to it this time too.

@5128gap

I do understand what you're saying but its a difficult one, as I think this is one area where a lot if women and men are simply not on the same page. Most women loathe strip clubs, either for ethical reasons or for other reasons such as yours. While most men, in fact i believe the majority, have a fairly neutral stance. Yes, you get the ones who love them, and at the other end of the spectrum, those who make all the right noises about how disgusting and/or exploitative it is and how they wouldn't dream of it (which may or may not be true) but in reality they probably don't have strong opinions. Because of this they often struggle to see why its a big deal and will go, and assume you will be a bit annoyed, but will get over it. If you genuinely feel you wouldn't you really need to speak up and explain. If you issue an ultimatum without trying to make him understand he won't take you seriously.

I agree that most men probably don't see or understand our point of view as there is just simply nothing of an equal platform out there for us women (which I'm glad for). Previous to our DDs being born, DH was probably more of a neutral stance as in he didn't see the point of them and mostly avoided due to not wanting to be disrespectful to our marriage but now having our girls he thinks more of the ethical side too.

I just need to trust that he is adult enough to stick to his word/morals even if that means disappointing his "friends".

@SleepingBunnies21

While most men, in fact i believe the majority, have a fairly neutral stance

They would have a neutral stance if there was a true equivalent for women and their partner's were going into them on hen does etc.
(Strip/dance shows are not, and they have to be organised & booked well ahead).

Men rarely have to experience the equivalent and when thry do they really dont fkg like it.

The intentional.cluelessness/lack of empathy and hypocrisy about this is engaging. Abd that's not even getting onto ethics. EE clubs and some hol destination clubs are run by and for gabgs. Do you think the women who end up working in them have total autonomy and freedom, no coercion or threat or fear or obligation?
That's another type of intentional cluelessness that is immoral.

I completely agree with this. The thought of most of these girls being their against their wishes is sickening and the whole industry turns my stomach, putting my insecurities aside I still wouldn't be happy with DH or any future sons being a part of this.

I mean this with kindness.

It sounds like you have a wonderful husband. One of the rare good men. Stop wasting your mental energy worrying about things that won't happen and instead appreciate how lucky you are. Make lovely plans together. Put this non issue out of your mind.

@HundredMilesAnHour

OP I appreciate that this is really difficult for you but do you not think you're becoming rather controlling about this? A naked woman in a strip club isn't a threat to your relationship but you seem to be turning it into one. You're saying that you don't want him to ever see a naked woman because he might compare you to them.So are you going to ban him from going to the beach as well just in case there are topless woman there?

Like most on this thread, I think strip clubs are sleazy and would not want to be in a relationship with someone who went to them regularly. And if I was the bride in this situation, I might well be having second thoughts about how well I know my husband-to-be who seemingly butter won't melt in his mouth but wants a stag weekend in Prague. Beautiful city as Prague is, it's not the architecture stag weekends go there to admire.

But you can't dictate to your husband like this. You're not being fair. This is all about your insecurities. Giving him an ultimatum isn't fair. It sounds like you have form for doing similar in your past with him. You have to stop pushing your insecurities on to him so that he has to change rather than you face your issues. I say this kindly but please get some therapy. And if you're getting it already, get some more.

He seems like a nice and very sensitive, considerate man. But he is human. You cannot keep him locked away or this may well backfire on you in the future. You say you trust him, and he's clearly not given you any reason not to be trusted, so show you trust him.

I haven't voiced anything to DH other than the initial I feel betrayed/insecure at the thought of him being in a place like this. I wanted to gain clarity before I sit him down for a chat regarding my feelings as the last thing I want is to be controlling of his actions. He's a free man and if during our chat he changes his morals/his mind and decides that he does want to go with the crowd he is entirely within his rights to do so but I am also within my rights to let him know how it might affect me/our marriage. Equally I would rather DH be honest with me in future rather than me going on to do something unknowingly ruining my marriage, I hope that makes sense? I struggle sometimes to make clear how I feel. I don't have a problem with naked women on beaches etc as to me this isn't in a sexual environment, my problem is him being in a sexualised situation with a naked woman who isn't myself.

My past form is from when I was 17/18 and we were both of an age where we started going out drinking with our friends, going to uni etc and we were BOTH struggling to find our feet and all those new feelings we hadn't experienced before. We have both been in the same position in the past with our jealousy/insecurities but we worked through it all hence why we have a complete open door policy with the truth. I'm now in my mid/late 20s and all of that is behind us but I can appreciate how my earlier comment may have given you this view.

DH has also said the same about if it was the shoe on the other foot he would feel the same so in no way does he feel like I'm being a controlling freak. Of course he may change his mind after we have w proper chat lol.

He is definitely a diamond hence why I don't want to go into this whilst I'm hung up on emotion. He is definitely not locked away and has various friends who are female as well as working in w mainly female dominated job so jealousy isnt a big problem.

@roarfeckingroarr

I mean this with kindness.

It sounds like you have a wonderful husband. One of the rare good men. Stop wasting your mental energy worrying about things that won't happen and instead appreciate how lucky you are. Make lovely plans together. Put this non issue out of your mind.

Thank you for your kind comments. He is definitely one of the good ones hence why I put this post up as I know it's not fair to bombard him with all of this insecurity. I want to deal with my emotions (with the help of other strangers lol) so I can approach it with a clear head.

I am the worlds worst for getting myself worked up over imaginary scenarios, not just within my marriage.

isn't a threat to your relationship

On look,its like strip club bingo.

She's perfectly entitled not to ge happy wity her life partner abd intimate partner going I to sex industry club, even on a stag do.

It shouldn't be on the agenda of a stag do in the first place.

And clubs in EE are essentially brothels too, from.the horses mouth of men I know who've been in them, and they're gang run/profit gangs.

None of it is OK

Stop calling women controlling for not being OK with this.

And her dh has been straight enough to say he wouldn't be comfortable in reverse circumstances, is he controlling too.

you cannot keep him locked away

Asking your life & intimate partner not to go into sleazy, gang run, sexualised, sex industry, nude/semi.nude lap dancing holes - which ard often brothels in EE as well, is not keeping them locked away. Catch a grip.

@SleepingBunnies21

isn't a threat to your relationship

On look,its like strip club bingo.

She's perfectly entitled not to ge happy wity her life partner abd intimate partner going I to sex industry club, even on a stag do.

It shouldn't be on the agenda of a stag do in the first place.

And clubs in EE are essentially brothels too, from.the horses mouth of men I know who've been in them, and they're gang run/profit gangs.

None of it is OK

I agree that stag do events shouldn't involve strippers, why does it have to be the "last night of freedom" when you've been in a relationship for presumable quite some time prior to this. It's disrespectful, why is it different from getting a strip/dance from a girl you've met on a night out? Both cheating in my opinion.

I think this is why I feel so uneasy this time around as it's in EE. I have never felt this uneasy when DH has gone on a stag do (always been UK based) and have never had any doubts or worries but this time I feel on edge and I think it's because of the whole gang run/brother vibes.

In the kindest way possible, if he does he does. There is nothing you can do to stop him. The only thing you can control is how you behave. I'm not a betting woman but I would bet money that he comes home and is so glad to be home as that wasn't his scene and you and your children are. You say you trust him, so trust him.
You'll both be fine x

You have to stop pushing your insecurities on to him so that he has to change rather than you face your issues. I say this kindly but please get some therapy.

Another strip club bingo favourite- you're insecure.

Op has said she has some insecurities, but this is not insecurity (entirely or at all), I wasn't insecure and I wasn't OK with it. I'm not insecure abd I'm still not OK with it.

It only goes to show how fucked up our society is that a woman is told to get therapy for not accepting this..

@Yahyahs22

In the kindest way possible, if he does he does. There is nothing you can do to stop him. The only thing you can control is how you behave. I'm not a betting woman but I would bet money that he comes home and is so glad to be home as that wasn't his scene and you and your children are. You say you trust him, so trust him. You'll both be fine x

Thank you for your kind comments. On a good day this is exactly how I feel and on a good day I know if he ever did go in he wouldn't be enjoying himself as it's not his scene at all but when I have a bad day with my mental health I can't see this clearly so it's nice to read.