DH stag do

[user12123]

Firstly I know I have trouble with insecurities and low self esteem both of which I'm getting help for.

I've name changed as I don't want this thread linked to any of my others.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years and have only been with each other (relevant to the rest of the post) and tbh are in a great place however I feel like I'm in self destruct mode due to an upcoming stag do next month in which he is best man. The thing that is bothering me is that the destination is abroad (might be outing if I'm specific about the location) and the reputation that it has.

I have no problems with DH doing things outside of our marriage and having time out from DC etc but the thought of him being out there makes me feel uneasy. He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel. I trust him completely and he is the best DH and DF but I can't handle the thought of him possibly going into a club especially in a place like this.

I'm really just looking for some words of advice on how to deal with these feelings and to be told the stag so won't be as bad as I'm building it up in my head!

I trust he won't cheat and wouldn't be buying any dances etc if he had to go inside but spirling into a ball of insecurity and it's impacted my mental health majorly. As we have only been intimate with each other I feel as though dynamics will change and he will prefer their body to mine etc.

Sorry for the long post.

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

Yes the show with the bananas and cream in their vaginas is retold as a laugh AT the woman and absolutely not sexy at all. It's just cringey.

although it's her job and she's "chosen" to do this I can't help but feel sorry for her that she is the joke of the story. The men should feel ashamed of themselves that they paid money to watch/have this woman doing such degrading things.

@Treacletoots

I don't know why we're still peddling this misogynistic bullshit of an excuse that men 'have' to go to a strip club, they 'have' to go abroad, get drunk etc etc

I wouldn't accept it from my DH at any other time so why, just because someone is getting married that suddenly it's OK.

It's degrading, it's misogynistic, and it's time we treated it with the contempt it truly deserves.

In your circumstances OP I truly don't think your OH would do anything to breach your trust. But at the same time I don't know why you can't just say, I don't want you to do that. It upsets me and I totally find the whole thing disgusting. If he cares more about you than he does saving face with some of his mates then he'd respect you enough to not do it. It's a choice like any other.

You're completely right.

I really hope that he doesn't otherwise the whole dynamics of our marriage will change and that's at the very least.

I think the main reason for not being completely honest with him until now is I thought it was just my insecurities and I was over reacting, he is a great DH and I genuinely want him to go and have a great time and didn't want to feel like a nagging wife (even though I know DH would never think that of me). I now have clarity and can see the trip more clearly so we can sit and have a chat before he leaves. The closer it gets the more real it feels. Part of me hopes we go back into lockdown next month just for 5 days lol.

In your circumstances OP I truly don't think your OH would do anything to breach your trust. But at the same time I don't know why you can't just say, I don't want you to do that. It upsets me and I totally find the whole thing disgusting. If he cares more about you than he does saving face with some of his mates then he'd respect you enough to not do it. It's a choice like any other.

I know, it's horrendous really.

Have you just told him OP? Like just honestly how it makes you feel, how anxious you are and how disgusting it is?

Please don't feel like you can't say something just in case one of his misogynistic friends say you're a 'nag' for not wanting your husband to partake in sexual exploitation and misogyny. Put it like that it doesn't sound so good does it? I think women are so used to being told we shouldn't have an opinion on what upsets us as long as the manfolk can have their penis entertained. Fuck that noise. Its 2021 not 1971.

@Treacletoots

Have you just told him OP? Like just honestly how it makes you feel, how anxious you are and how disgusting it is?

Please don't feel like you can't say something just in case one of his misogynistic friends say you're a 'nag' for not wanting your husband to partake in sexual exploitation and misogyny. Put it like that it doesn't sound so good does it? I think women are so used to being told we shouldn't have an opinion on what upsets us as long as the manfolk can have their penis entertained. Fuck that noise. Its 2021 not 1971.

He is working away for the next few days but once he is home we can sit and have a chat.

I do worry more about his "friends" as I never want DH to be branded "boring" or "whipped" as he is such a stand up guy and is lovely to everyone around him and I hate the thought of him being left out (I mean in general as he has told the group previously he isn't interested in the shenanigans) as he really is the best. I'm trying not to make his life difficult as he really is the best husband I could ask for and I know he wouldn't deliberately hurt me hence why I haven't been 100% honest with my feelings as I in no way want him to think he's in the wrong.

Have you just told him OP? Like just honestly how it makes you feel, how anxious you are and how disgusting it is?

Please don't feel like you can't say something just in case one of his misogynistic friends say you're a 'nag' for not wanting your husband to partake in sexual exploitation and misogyny. Put it like that it doesn't sound so good does it? I think women are so used to being told we shouldn't have an opinion on what upsets us as long as the manfolk can have their penis entertained. Fuck that noise. Its 2021 not 1971.

Good for you OP. And don't worry about him being described as 'whipped'. Any man who uses this description for a man who stands up against being a misogynistic twat is part of the problem, that needs to be challenged and you know that.

The driver may double as a bouncer (though you'd imagine he'd have to mostly concentrate on driving) but would you like to be put into a small ish confined space with a bunch of drunk, lairy foreign men who are strangers to you, and having to sit on their laps nude or close to it - and maybe perform some kind of routine. I don't really know how you wouldn't be groped, id imagine if the "stripper" complained to the driver and he stopped the car everytjme she was groped "accidentally" or on purpose, the limo would take 3 hrs to get down one street. Pretty intimidating and potentially traumatising too. Drunk stag do attendees aren't known for their gentlemanly behaviour

If the strip clubs/brothels are affiliated to gangs, you'd imagine the strippers put in limos business might be too, no matter what "legimate" stag do organising businesses then are marketed on.

It's doubtful they get the majority cut of the money and there's zero fear/manipulation/coercion involved.

(Sorry, that was a follow on re. the limo stripper thing, I should have quoted that post).

@SleepingBunnies21

(Sorry, that was a follow on re. the limo stripper thing, I should have quoted that post).

It's jsut stomach turning to think about isn't it. I definitely couldn't come back from that, that's 100 times worse than a club in my opinion.

Depends what happens in the (private booths/rooms) in a club.

I'm afraid I heard from a guy who went into a lap dancing club on stag do in Prague (almost certain Prague, if not; another EE capital) that guys who went off for private dances took the better part of an hour to return, and later discussed what they did; which was sex acts. Essentially they seem.to be brothels as well as lap dancing clubs.

I was surprised to hear similar about some clubs in rhe party resorts in the Canaries, young ex work colleague went on lads holiday (a lot of them with girlfriends), he said they went into what appeared to be a strip club, but found there was v little "dancing" happening, women approached and private "time" was offered; it was essentially a brothel as well. He said several of his group returned more than once, one young guy (with gf at home) every night, because he wanted to try as many of the women there as possible. He even told them about an Asian worker there who demanded he go down on her.

I was stuck between comical admiration for a prostitute who demanded oral sex while being paid, and disgust/pity for his young gf who he was going back to kiss with that mouth (among other things).

Apparently criminal gangs are involved in the the Canaries as well.

Anyway; at the risk of being repetitive, I would not leave this to "fate" or even your husband discretion; I'd make it very clear what your stance is, and discuss his "stategy" for avoiding it, if it crops up (which it sounds like the grooms other best mate might be aiming for) ... with consideration for his alcohol tolerance, street wise-ness, what other people will ve doing etc.

It sounds like the mate is banking in the older group member's and bride's family members heading back to the hotel "early" and on directing the younger members to his preferred venues. Since your dh is the latter, he better have a solid plan.

(Incidentally i wouldn't assume bride's family members being present would rile out any poor/sleazy stuff ... I read a thing on a forum from a stag attendee saying their stag included the bride's dad (a young Dad) in the entire do, including a visit to a lap dancing club, but got so drunk (or was genuinely so stupid and base, maybe both) that he got over enthusiastic with a naked lap dancer and made facial/mouth contact with her ass and genitals (is the nicest way I can put it). This was in a floor show/show for stag party context, not a private dance so the Dad saw it, left shortly afterward and the guy reported that the wedding did not take place.

Some people are just too stupid (or think everyone's like them) to even rein it in.

@SleepingBunnies21

Anyway; at the risk of being repetitive, I would not leave this to "fate" or even your husband discretion; I'd make it very clear what your stance is, and discuss his "stategy" for avoiding it, if it crops up (which it sounds like the grooms other best mate might be aiming for) ... with consideration for his alcohol tolerance, street wise-ness, what other people will ve doing etc.

It sounds like the mate is banking in the older group member's and bride's family members heading back to the hotel "early" and on directing the younger members to his preferred venues. Since your dh is the latter, he better have a solid plan.

(Incidentally i wouldn't assume bride's family members being present would rile out any poor/sleazy stuff ... I read a thing on a forum from a stag attendee saying their stag included the bride's dad (a young Dad) in the entire do, including a visit to a lap dancing club, but got so drunk (or was genuinely so stupid and base, maybe both) that he got over enthusiastic with a naked lap dancer and made facial/mouth contact with her ass and genitals (is the nicest way I can put it). This was in a floor show/show for stag party context, not a private dance so the Dad saw it, left shortly afterward and the guy reported that the wedding did not take place.

Some people are just too stupid (or think everyone's like them) to even rein it in.

It's absolutely disgusting to hear. I couldn't go ahead with the wedding if my DH had done any of this!

I wish I had just been honest at the time and maybe he wouldn't have went but I was too worried about being deemed controlling and tbh worried he would resent me if he didn't go as he didn't want to hurt me that in the process I'm now the one hurting.

Putting insecurities aside, this is not a place I want him to go due to the sex trafficking, gangs and street crime etc but it's just too late.

Having a bad night tonight thinking about it all.

Oh op, he's wity a large group, he need never ve on his own, avd they're surely all aware of safety, good sense etc

Im sure there's a tonne on info online in general.abd on Prague another how to stay safe and avoid tourist pit falls.

The club issue; you guys can devise a plan fir him to avoid the situation.

*about how to stay safe

@SleepingBunnies21

Oh op, he's wity a large group, he need never ve on his own, avd they're surely all aware of safety, good sense etc

Im sure there's a tonne on info online in general.abd on Prague another how to stay safe and avoid tourist pit falls.

The club issue; you guys can devise a plan fir him to avoid the situation.

Thanks for all your advice it's much appreciated x

Your dh sounds like a great guy abd I'm sure you can talk this through and decide how best to circumvent the situation if other best mate etc tries to set it up.

You're very welcome.

From my experience, if you feel like you're going to have a problem with behaviour like that (even if it's under huge peer pressure) it's best to make it very clear and not leave it to change take the "he can sit at the bar in there" approach (because that didn't work out for me!).

Also for him (if he agrees, which it sounds like he does) to have a strong strategy should the situation arise.

Talk to you dh, who sounds really lovely.

Myself and i'm sure others would like to hear how it pans out for you.

@SleepingBunnies21

You're very welcome.

From my experience, if you feel like you're going to have a problem with behaviour like that (even if it's under huge peer pressure) it's best to make it very clear and not leave it to change take the "he can sit at the bar in there" approach (because that didn't work out for me!).

Also for him (if he agrees, which it sounds like he does) to have a strong strategy should the situation arise.

Talk to you dh, who sounds really lovely.

Myself and i'm sure others would like to hear how it pans out for you.

I just really hope he stays true to himself and doesn't make a mug out of me, I'd hate to throw away 14 years of my life over a stupid stag do.

I will keep the thread updated once we've had a chat.

I think you should see your doctor maybe ?
It's very extreme when it's a one off for a stag do
My OH goes away once a year with his best friend for his birthday. Benidorm, Prague, Amsterdam. I trust him so why worry an make a big fuss ? End of the day he's comin home to you an clearly loves you.
Your really other thinking this to a point it's extreme. All's I can suggest is, see your doctor snd keep yourself busy

@chocolatethunder

I think you should see your doctor maybe ? It's very extreme when it's a one off for a stag do My OH goes away once a year with his best friend for his birthday. Benidorm, Prague, Amsterdam. I trust him so why worry an make a big fuss ? End of the day he's comin home to you an clearly loves you. Your really other thinking this to a point it's extreme. All's I can suggest is, see your doctor snd keep yourself busy

I appreciate your comments and as I've already posted I am currently seeking therapy. Although, if I hadn't mentioned my insecurities etc if I'd gotten a different response as the ethical side of this too I'm against.

Without sounding extremely rude, a one night stand is a one off too but I wouldn't accept it in a relationship.

My OH also goes away for weekends etc with friends as do I but this feels different due to reasons stated previously. Some woman are either fine with their OH engaging in these activities or turn a blind eye to it but that doesn't mean other women feel the same way.

My OH goes away once a year with his best friend for his birthday. Benidorm, Prague, Amsterdam.

Your partner and his mate choose to go away to well known sex tourism destinations every year, you're chill with it, and you think op is the one who should "go and see a doctor"?

@SleepingBunnies21

My OH goes away once a year with his best friend for his birthday. Benidorm, Prague, Amsterdam.

Your partner and his mate choose to go away to well known sex tourism destinations every year, you're chill with it, and you think op is the one who should "go and see a doctor"?

This.

DH and I go away separately sometimes. But interestingly not to places famous for trafficking and prostitution. What is the coincidental reason he's always at sex tourism destinations?

It's like the single, middle aged men who spend time in Thailand. Everyone knows why they're there, right? And it's not for the temples.

My line in the sand is lap dances. That's cheating, DH knows it. DH has a sleazy BF who believes DH is whipped/controlled/nagged. I consider that a reference, as if he thought I was a cool wife, I'd be as miserable as his wife, and that is really really miserable.

Prague is like any major city - safe unless you go somewhere risky or do something risky. So personal safety shouldn't be an issue. If there are 30 on the trip it is almost certain that the group will split. They'll be in a non-stripper bar, someone will say 'right, we off to the strip bar then?' and all your partner has to do is say 'no, I'm having another one here, my round' and I bet around 10 will say 'yes I'll have one with you' and the others can go off and report back at breakfast.

@BlokeHereInPeace

Prague is like any major city - safe unless you go somewhere risky or do something risky. So personal safety shouldn't be an issue. If there are 30 on the trip it is almost certain that the group will split. They'll be in a non-stripper bar, someone will say 'right, we off to the strip bar then?' and all your partner has to do is say 'no, I'm having another one here, my round' and I bet around 10 will say 'yes I'll have one with you' and the others can go off and report back at breakfast.

That's a great idea, one which DH is happy to use.