DH stag do

[user12123]

Firstly I know I have trouble with insecurities and low self esteem both of which I'm getting help for.

I've name changed as I don't want this thread linked to any of my others.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years and have only been with each other (relevant to the rest of the post) and tbh are in a great place however I feel like I'm in self destruct mode due to an upcoming stag do next month in which he is best man. The thing that is bothering me is that the destination is abroad (might be outing if I'm specific about the location) and the reputation that it has.

I have no problems with DH doing things outside of our marriage and having time out from DC etc but the thought of him being out there makes me feel uneasy. He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel. I trust him completely and he is the best DH and DF but I can't handle the thought of him possibly going into a club especially in a place like this.

I'm really just looking for some words of advice on how to deal with these feelings and to be told the stag so won't be as bad as I'm building it up in my head!

I trust he won't cheat and wouldn't be buying any dances etc if he had to go inside but spirling into a ball of insecurity and it's impacted my mental health majorly. As we have only been intimate with each other I feel as though dynamics will change and he will prefer their body to mine etc.

Sorry for the long post.

@Fupoffyagrasshole

I really don’t know why you are worried at all tbh!

I also don’t really get why it would be unsafe for him to head back to a hotel by himself if he doesn’t want to go in the strip club !!

I’ve backpacked around Eastern Europe alone and managed to always get myself home safe 🤷‍♀️

Hopefully if he goes on this trip you will calm down a bit after it and be more relaxed in future

He’s given you no reason ever before to not trust him!

I'm a classic over thinker so it's myself that's envisaged the unsafe conditions and manifesting. I know he's a grown man and will be fine but I can't help but worry if something happens tk him when he's alone and that he'd have been safer sticking with the group.

You're right, he has given me nothing but love and respect and I have no reason to doubt him before he's even left the country!

@SleepingBunnies21

but I don't want to be that wife

I didn't want to be the girlfriend who told my partner he couldn't go in such a club if it came up; I regretted it tbh. Everyone is different but ...

If he is to stay out when they go in (which im inclined to think.they will in a destination geared towards it; he's going to have to have a military level plan on how he's going to avoid "you'll get lost, mugged, you're too drunk, you don't leave the group, ah come on man this is groom's night, it's only 25 mins, you don't have to tell the woman, where are going to go while we're in here, blah blah blah".

I'd definitely rather not having any regrets so will have the conversation with him sooner rather than later.

Knowing DH he would usually dissapear when the word is mentioned but my worry is he doesn't know until he is there what the plan is and as you say has to deal with all his friends pressuring him. The worst part is he's told the group he isn't planning anything that involves strippers and won't be getting involved with it so I worry they will be quite sneaky about it around DH and try bully him into it! But as a grown man I hope he can stand his ground.

I'm glad you are getting help, this level of anxiety isn't what I would class as normal. My DP works in a corporate culture (which I don't agree with) which has a very tendency towards gentlemen's clubs etc - I don't agree or condone it but as long as he is honest about it I can't get too worked up about it. I'd be more worried about female colleagues he spends time with day in day out as that is where the danger lies.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

There's no trust issues at all just my low self esteem which is the problem. Believe me it drives me crazy knowing that I'm not the only women he'll ever be attracted to etc (this leads back to my abandonment issues) but I swallow them Deep down and never voice them to DH as I know they are my insecurities and not his fault as he has been nothing but my biggest fan. Everything I feel is my own problems, DH has done nothing but try to build me up over the years.

Gently OP you need to have some therapy to work through this. Because swallowing insecurities deep down is unhealthy and doesn't solve anything so you need some coping strategies.

Don't conflate that with you not being able to accept him going to a strip club. If that's a hard boundary for you and a dealbreaker you can't cope with then it's completely fair for you to tell him that.

But longer term you need to have some therapy specifically aiming to rebuild your self esteem as an individual, not linked to how your partner or others see or validate you. It would be life changing for you and beneficial to all of your relationships - family / friends / work / marriage.

This for yourself and also your relationship

Even if its not trust issues about your DH being unfaithful it sounds like your way of dealing with how you feel (swallowing your feelings) is making you feel worse and then it comes out ways like you're saying here (that doesn't mean tho ur not right about setting boundaries - you need to clear on what is acceptable to him). What would happen if he was coming home talking about a woman he worked with in a friendly way or going on works nights out where he would socialising possibly with booze?? There are so many ways that your worries could surface again and again regardless of what your DH would do/is like - I do hope once this out the way you take some time to think about what you really need to feel better and more secure

Knowing DH he would usually dissapear when the word is mentioned but my worry is he doesn't know until he is there what the plan is and as you say has to deal with all his friends pressuring him.

Fgs he's a grown man not a 14 year old getting bullied into asking out Jenny from Year 10! Tell him you know that you won't be able to cope if he goes to one so it's a dealbreaker. Men who give into peer pressure as adults are idiots tbh. It's pathetic they can't say "nah not for me, see you in the morning!"

Stop running through all scenarios / potential roadblocks and talk directly to him very clearly saying you have realised it's a dealbreaker. If he doesn't follow through on his word and he goes in, then he's broken the deal knowing what it means to you.

Hopefully he won't do that because as you say he's given you no reason to doubt him.

I could be wrong but I think it helps to lay it down unequivocally before the trip; "if you're heading into strip clubs, im sittjmg that out, I'll.head home then, OK. End of story.

It makes it less of a bone of contention, and less likely for them to throw lots of pressure on. They've been forewarned, and can go on their merry way.

Im not saying its foolproof but it lays the ground work for a bow out.

From my experience there can be a huge amount of "this is disloyalty to/ unfair to the stag, were here as a group, were here to do what he wants and "support" him" etc and you have to be well set up to circumvent that.

DH isn't even sure why his friend has chosen this place as he doesn't seem like the type at all. DH has been friends with him since they were babies and he's never once set foot inside a club nor spoken of another girl except his fiancé

This sounds a bit strange. Surely your dh had a conversation with the groom about why he wanted to go to that particular place. Was there not a WhatsApp group chat about it or something similar?

The groom sounds whiter than white and I’m not sure it’s very realistic considering his destination.

Op you’ve mentioned that some of the group will be egging the group to go to a strip club and that friends previously took the piss when he wouldn’t go. Your dh really needs new friends.

Ive done more planning than he has!

Why is this? If you were really unhappy about this trip you should have said so. Instead it sounds like you’ve done all the hard work of booking , researching and messing about with payments.

You’ve said a few times about how honest you both are, yet you’ve not exactly been honest here. You’ve put a lot of emotional labour into planning this despite being upset about it.It was actually your dhs job to sort this out.

Why didn’t you let your dh deal with the booking?

Why didn’t you say you weren’t happy about it?

Perhaps it won't happen because you say your h is very honest to you, and vice versa, but my experience (and others I've seen) they agree to a vow of silence/what happens in Vegas type thing (so in their minds the inconvenient reactions of partners are irrelevant, because they won't know and what they don't know won't hurt them, and sure it's harmless and doesn't mean anything and us what everyone dies anyway). This lasts for a bit, bit when back in their home environment, back.intjmate with partners etc. .. they start to crack. They feel.a bit guilty, they're used to sharing pretty much everything with their partner's, they're telling them about the stag do and it becomes harder to edit carefully, their psrtnwds might ask questions that draw things out, the lying by omission is going to become outright lying and it's uncomfortable etc etc and they increasingly blab everything. They also start getting paranoid tat the others are blabbing and if they don't tell their partner sanitised versions of things, she's going to hear from the other WAGS and that will be much worse for them etc.

I've seen this play out with al.ost laughable predictability.

Op is the group aware you’ve done all this planning and booking? Or has your dh taken the credit?

@FlorenciaFlora

He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel

Not being funny, but an adult man can’t find his way back to a hotel he really shouldn’t be going abroad.

Look op, there’s a reason men pick these destinations. Personally It sounds like he’s intending to go and it setting up a story where he claims was too scared to get a taxi back.

I thought the exact same thing when I read this . He is going to go in 100 percent and is letting you know slyly beforehand. Iv know ex partners to be dead against porn as they said they ain't in to it it's so degrading to women . Then they have been bashing it out to porn the whole time . Don't be fooled op . I literally would make it clear that if he goes in that's you two done

I'm usually very sceptical but op has said her h is useless at getting places/,with dire tions, even here.

And he's sat it out before so..

OP be clear to your DH. It isn't being controlling. I dont understand why it is so widely acceptable tbh.

And I don't understand that when men are about to get married it is the norm to go and watch naked women dance!

Would they find it acceptable if you danced naked in front of someone?

And that's aside from the whole terrible sides to the sex industry. The trafficking, the drugs, the abuse.

@SleepingBunnies21

I could be wrong but I think it helps to lay it down unequivocally before the trip; "if you're heading into strip clubs, im sittjmg that out, I'll.head home then, OK. End of story.

It makes it less of a bone of contention, and less likely for them to throw lots of pressure on. They've been forewarned, and can go on their merry way.

Im not saying its foolproof but it lays the ground work for a bow out.

From my experience there can be a huge amount of "this is disloyalty to/ unfair to the stag, were here as a group, were here to do what he wants and "support" him" etc and you have to be well set up to circumvent that.

Yeah I agree and he's told them numerous times (not just in this situation) his thoughts and opinions on this sort of entertainment so I hope he's being honest.

I am a grown women yet I would find it awkward sitting out from the group and being seen as a "party pooper" so can appreciate how difficult it might be for him.

@FlorenciaFlora

DH isn't even sure why his friend has chosen this place as he doesn't seem like the type at all. DH has been friends with him since they were babies and he's never once set foot inside a club nor spoken of another girl except his fiancé

This sounds a bit strange. Surely your dh had a conversation with the groom about why he wanted to go to that particular place. Was there not a WhatsApp group chat about it or something similar?

The groom sounds whiter than white and I’m not sure it’s very realistic considering his destination.

Op you’ve mentioned that some of the group will be egging the group to go to a strip club and that friends previously took the piss when he wouldn’t go. Your dh really needs new friends.

Ive done more planning than he has!

Why is this? If you were really unhappy about this trip you should have said so. Instead it sounds like you’ve done all the hard work of booking , researching and messing about with payments.

You’ve said a few times about how honest you both are, yet you’ve not exactly been honest here. You’ve put a lot of emotional labour into planning this despite being upset about it.It was actually your dhs job to sort this out.

Why didn’t you let your dh deal with the booking?

Why didn’t you say you weren’t happy about it?

Yes they have had the conversation and his friend just said the cheap drink and to get away with his friends and family he rarely sees, DH advised him he wants planning anything to do with strippers etc and the groom said he felt the same. I can only trust my DH as I know the man he is but I'm not quite sure his friend is being honest. Yes there are a few groupchats for the event next month and not one mention strip clubs etc which is why I'm anxious that it is just sprung on DH which I'd be angry for him as he's made his points clear.

Out of the group of 30 odd DH thinks possibly 3/4 of them would be definite advocates. Apart from the groom and a couple others (who aren't advocates for this), the majority of the group are the family of the groom and his close friends, not people my DH associates with outside of occasions.

The reason for the help with planning is that DH is absolutely useless (his words) with things like this and he's said from the get go that it isn't the type of place he'd like to go (he would like to go as a couple to experience the history etc - he's a sucker for history) and wasn't sure where to begin as this isn't up his street at all. He also works ridiculous hours mainly when travel agents etc were open so I offered to help. I was/am unhappy about the trip but I know it isn't my DH fault the destination has been chosen and despite how I feel, I genuinely want DH to have a great time. My upset is at the thought of something that might never happen so I didn't want to be bitter and leave DH struggling, we are a team and I'd never leave him stuck because of my insecurities.

I agree I haven't been honest to DH about my feelings as I know they are most likely hightened due to my low self esteem and in no way want him feeling as though he has caused this. By putting a post and gathering peoples opinions/advice I can now speak to him in a more calm manner after having time to think clearly instead of going at him when he's done nothing wrong. He's a great man and doesn't deserve to feel like shit due to my own issues hence why I haven't been honest with him until now. I in no way wanted him to miss out on his friends stag do by telling him how I felt at the time of booking as he would have cancelled in a heartbeat if he knew how I'd felt and I didn't feel that was fair to him.

@SleepingBunnies21

Perhaps it won't happen because you say your h is very honest to you, and vice versa, but my experience (and others I've seen) they agree to a vow of silence/what happens in Vegas type thing (so in their minds the inconvenient reactions of partners are irrelevant, because they won't know and what they don't know won't hurt them, and sure it's harmless and doesn't mean anything and us what everyone dies anyway). This lasts for a bit, bit when back in their home environment, back.intjmate with partners etc. .. they start to crack. They feel.a bit guilty, they're used to sharing pretty much everything with their partner's, they're telling them about the stag do and it becomes harder to edit carefully, their psrtnwds might ask questions that draw things out, the lying by omission is going to become outright lying and it's uncomfortable etc etc and they increasingly blab everything. They also start getting paranoid tat the others are blabbing and if they don't tell their partner sanitised versions of things, she's going to hear from the other WAGS and that will be much worse for them etc.

I've seen this play out with al.ost laughable predictability.

This was definitely a worry of mines but DH is always the one to call his friends out when they are being tools and has always told me the truth about nights outs/weekends away etc (from friends cheating to previous strip clubs that he's stayed away from) so I have no doubts that he would hide anything about the trip from me. He has always said, basically what you've said, is that the truth always comes out and it's easier and less hurtful to hear it from the horses mouth. He is a horrible liar hence why he doesn't even attempt too. We've been together since P7 so have grown together into the adults we are today so we genuinely know each other inside out! Together 15 years married for 5 so this probably adds to the whole insecurity as we've never known anyone else so I don't want to become boring after the other "exciting girls" out there.

@FlorenciaFlora

Op is the group aware you’ve done all this planning and booking? Or has your dh taken the credit?

The groom is aware yes as I've been in touch with him re hotel changes etc so DH hasn't got all of the credit although credit doesn't bother me, I'd rather DH gets the praise if it turns out to be a good weekend!

@FlorenciaFlora

Op is the group aware you’ve done all this planning and booking? Or has your dh taken the credit?

I should add, DH has all the ideas but wasn't sure how to implement them so I'm mostly admin planning, the actual activities etc are his ideas.

If he goes then tell him you don't want any details then you wouldn't have any details in your head.

Out of the group of 30 odd

That's a huge stag do, never imagined anywhere near that number would be gong..

Hopefully the group being that size means some people could split off if some want to go into lap dancing clubs/brothels (they're kinda one abd the same in EE cities from what men i and my friends know have said). Ot would be much much easier than the 6 person type of stag do my partner went on.

@peardropsonarainyday I can appreciate why you think that but I honestly don't think that's the case. I know first hand how useless DH is with directions/being on his own never mind when he's had a drink. There's been a few drunken adventures he's had over the years where I've had to go and find him as he's wandered off on his own and gotten lost. He is always brutally honest and if was planning to go he'd just tell me and we'd hash it out. If he did end up there I know it would be be premeditated hence the anxiety as I feel like I'll be on edge all weekend waiting on his drunken call to admit it all.

@Sakurami

OP be clear to your DH. It isn't being controlling. I dont understand why it is so widely acceptable tbh.

And I don't understand that when men are about to get married it is the norm to go and watch naked women dance!

Would they find it acceptable if you danced naked in front of someone?

And that's aside from the whole terrible sides to the sex industry. The trafficking, the drugs, the abuse.

I completely agree, I really can't understand the partners who don't barter an eyelid st their OHs being in these places.

DH has always always said he doesn't understand the hype or the appeal but I just have his word for this. Even though he has sat out before I have to trust that this is because of his own feelings too not jsut because he'd know it would hurt me.

@SunshineCake1

If he goes then tell him you don't want any details then you wouldn't have any details in your head.

I know it's a battle of two evils as I would NEED to know otherwise what's in my head would most likely be worse but then knowing would drive me insane. Not knowing I'd just make my own scenarios up anyway tbh.

My husband hates them too. His close friend does and won't go to them. He sounds lovely OP and doesn't sound like a sleeve. If he goes he'll probably hate it. Maybe some CBT exercises will help you get it into proportion?

@SleepingBunnies21

Out of the group of 30 odd

That's a huge stag do, never imagined anywhere near that number would be gong..

Hopefully the group being that size means some people could split off if some want to go into lap dancing clubs/brothels (they're kinda one abd the same in EE cities from what men i and my friends know have said). Ot would be much much easier than the 6 person type of stag do my partner went on.

Yeah it is a huge group and we are both surprised that everyone is going. My worry is the elders will retreat early (way older than DH) and that those who are still out partying will try get the remaining group to go but I'm hoping that DH isn't the only one who doesn't like the thought of these places.

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes

My husband hates them too. His close friend does and won't go to them. He sounds lovely OP and doesn't sound like a sleeve. If he goes he'll probably hate it. Maybe some CBT exercises will help you get it into proportion?

I'm glad to hear someone else's DH isn't a fan too. I really hope he's a man of his word and im not going to end up a mug. I do know deep down if he ever did end up in a place like this he'd just feel awkward the full time and would hate it but as a man he most likely will enjoy the view which is what I can't shake! I really hope these exercises help as I don't want to ruin what really is a mainly perfect marriage.