DH stag do

[user12123]

Firstly I know I have trouble with insecurities and low self esteem both of which I'm getting help for.

I've name changed as I don't want this thread linked to any of my others.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years and have only been with each other (relevant to the rest of the post) and tbh are in a great place however I feel like I'm in self destruct mode due to an upcoming stag do next month in which he is best man. The thing that is bothering me is that the destination is abroad (might be outing if I'm specific about the location) and the reputation that it has.

I have no problems with DH doing things outside of our marriage and having time out from DC etc but the thought of him being out there makes me feel uneasy. He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel. I trust him completely and he is the best DH and DF but I can't handle the thought of him possibly going into a club especially in a place like this.

I'm really just looking for some words of advice on how to deal with these feelings and to be told the stag so won't be as bad as I'm building it up in my head!

I trust he won't cheat and wouldn't be buying any dances etc if he had to go inside but spirling into a ball of insecurity and it's impacted my mental health majorly. As we have only been intimate with each other I feel as though dynamics will change and he will prefer their body to mine etc.

Sorry for the long post.

Okay, how about if we twist this around slightly? If you went to a male strip show (not saying you should, they sound grim) and saw lots of fit, toned men dancing in front of you, would you immediately want to dump DH and be with one of them, or would you think “oh, they’re fit and toned, but I still love and fancy my DH”?

Valid point, but an equally valid point od how comfortable op's husband would be if she attended a strip show/club with male strippers working the floor, flirying, offering private "dances", etc.

That's the position he's potentially putting her in.

(Oh and I find men really don't like it when the shoe's on the other foot).

In fact he's putting her in a worse position because Eastern European (if correct?) Strip clubs cross over into outright prostitution from what I've heard from more than one man who attended stag do there.
So how would he like it if she went into a male brothel (no equivalent I know but ..).

I decided to let it go when dh told me he ended up going to a lap dancing club on his stag do.Of course I wasn't happy about him seeing attractive women half naked but it was a one off and if I'd have had the opportunity to see The Dreamboys or similar on my hen then I would have gone

As a "side" moral issues, they also tend to be run by criminal gangs.

This is also true of strip clubs/brothels in lots of Brit holiday destinations incidentally.

Well I won't stay with a man who goes to strip clubs. And not because I'm jealous or worried that they may no longer find me attractive (there are naked or semi naked images and videos of beautiful women all over the place).

But because any person that a) perpetuates this misogynistic industry/ sex trade, b) who thinks that you can buy sex is not someone who I want to be with.

He sounds like a good bloke.

However generally stags don't go to Prague or Amsterdam for the art and culture. None of them say it but the entire economy is based on them mostly being liars.

@SleepingBunnies21

They're working girls stripping for money to pay their bills who will quite honestly have no interest in your partner.

I can't say I gave two fucks about the women stripping/dancing in the club my h went into; I never thought for a second they'd be interested sexually or romantically in him (unless they thought he was wealthy or something, then digits might be exchanged) . ... that wasn't it.
That was never it.

It was that t felt like our sexual intimacy and exclusivity had been taunted & tarnished. It was I couldn't stop thinking about him sat in that club with a woman bumping and grinding in a thong in front of him when we were in.cosy domestic ordinary situations; I'd think "wtaf", what is this wanker doing in my home environment. That was more important than my feelings, than pur bond.
It was that i didn't want to be in a relationship with a laddy, cavalier, disrespectful to women dickhead who thought it was appropriate in a relationship.

Why do so many women not get that??!

It's always - you're insecure; nah, I'm not, I could strip and lap dance if I wanted, my looks are "sufficient". "They're not interested in him"; yeah, I know, I don't gaf. I'm more interested in his values.

Hold up, thats ok & I was never out to offend anyone.

I was trying to tell the woman who was anxious and worried about her partner (who sounds fairly decent) that if the trust was there then she will be ok.

I never said she was insecure, I never said anything about your or her looks.

I wouldn't allow myself personally to this point where I felt it was acceptable to me but that's everyones individual opinion & point of view. If my partner chose to visit such places he wouldn't be my partner anymore, but that's ME. Everyone is different.

Jumping on my post about your personal experiences whilst on a thread where someone is asking how to deal with these feelings isn't fair.

We are all different, I was trying to help her be less anxious as she asked. She never said She wanted to leave him. She asked how to cope if he enjoyed it.

I was only trying to help keep her calm and trust in her own feelings. Idfk !!

My He's stag mates, think it was the first major stag in a long time, went to a eastern European capital.

It was sleezy.

My H, the stag, told me everything.
He was largely horrified.

He didn't cheat, bit of strip club, some of the singles had private dances. He felt too seedy to do that but did get a muddy vagina in his face at one point.

He enjoyed the out and about pub crawl bit, the sleezy bits he hated.

He was glad to get home.
Broken man on couch.

No sympathy from me.

So depends how you H would generally react if anyone said "let's do a lap dancing bar". Mine feels "dirty". He is the same regardless of geography.

I must have been on about 15+ stag bashes over the years, the majority of them did not involve strip clubs or hired strippers. They were usually of the paintball/karting/rugby game/curry/club variety. I have been to Amsterdam on a stag do as well, on that trip the group split, a handful went to a strip joint while the majority remained in a bar shooting pool and boozing all night. The blokes I have observed cheating on stag dos are the same blokes who cheated when they could back home, it was not as if some infidelity fairy dust got sprinkled on them when they stepped on the plane, they were just arseholes to begin with. Certainly in my social circle most of my mates find strip joints incredibly naff, expensive, seedy and we'll, a bit shit. Most of the groom's whose stag weekend I have attended have given very specific instructions to the best man not include strip clubs. Just my two cents worth but I do find it laughable on here at times when some folk are utterly convinced that any man on a stag do will chest if given the chance.

@Sakurami

Well I won't stay with a man who goes to strip clubs. And not because I'm jealous or worried that they may no longer find me attractive (there are naked or semi naked images and videos of beautiful women all over the place).

But because any person that a) perpetuates this misogynistic industry/ sex trade, b) who thinks that you can buy sex is not someone who I want to be with.

Same. I hate the assumption that women only object out of jealousy, it's so insulting.

It's the same assumption as that women who object to prostitution hate the women. Nope, the punters are the rapey misogynists I hate.

Same. I hate the assumption that women only object out of jealousy, it's so insulting.

I got "it's all insecurity" ... nope, I'm not insecure.

Also "It's no threat to your relationship, hes not going to leave you for one of them".

Actually it is a threat to my relationship, because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who goes into sex jndustry establishments and has "table" dances from naked women, I want to dump him; I that fact not a slight threat to the relationship?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He has said that he doesn't want to go inside and said himself he would be disappointed as he is morally against it so I know that if he did have to go it wouldn't be his chosen choice if that makes sense? I of course would rather he stick with the group and be safe but I'm worried I like you will think less of him.

He's a big boy OP, if he really was morally against them and didn't want to go in one then even if nobody agreed with him, he would get an uber back to their accommodation.

He knows his mates especially if he's the best man. He will know whether it's a forgone conclusion that the majority of them will want to go. He needs to be honest about that either way and as I say, if he feels strongly about it genuinely then he is a big boy and can find his way back to where they're staying if the rest all want to go in.

I completely agree and would like to think that this is what will happen.

It's a mixed crowd so fairly certain not everyone will go if it's on the table so hoping he's a man of his word which he always has been. He is fairly sure that most of the crowd wouldn't want to go but there's definitely a handful he thinks would be egging everyone on.

@SleepingBunnies21

Prague possibly.

Strip clubs in Eastern Europe can also be brothels im afraid.

I've had this and when intense peer pressure, "loyalty" and deference to the stage, group dynamics, and (i felt) exaggerated safety concerns about people separating off all came into play;he went in
He compounded it by lying afterward.

I think think its a pity this location (and typical activities) have been chosen; I never understand why men who truly aren't interested in heavy drinking, recrwational drugs strip club/brothel.crawling etc etc don't lobby hard to do an outdoor activities, team building, challenging thing - somewhere there'd be no strip clubs.

I take it your partner did not choose the location even if he is the best man.

In my experience, it affected our relationship so badly that I would make a decision- a black and white decision with ni ambivalence before he goes. Make ut vlear what the stakes are if he goes back on the decision.

Because I left it up to him.(he told me the stag had no intention) and didn't say ot would damage our relationship, and I regretted that. (Tbh o didn't expect it to damage our relationship or affect me as much as it did).

Unfortunately that is where they are off to next month!

Stupidly when I found out that is where the groom wanted to go I done some research hence why I'm a paranoid wreck at the thought of DH being over there.

I know for a fact if DH does attend then he'd be the first to tell me which doesn't really make me feel any better tbh. Our relationship has always been based on the truth even if it hurts the other as neither of us could stand the lying.

In all honestly (as DH has asked for my help in the planning) he wanted somewhere for activities and to chill out ie a log cabin or paintballing but the groom was adamant he wanted abroad.

We have spoken at great lengths about the stag do and my feelings and in all honesty he has been so understanding and we are on the same page BUT I know there's probably still a 1% chance he might end up in one and this is the part I'm fixated on.

I know for a fact it will change how I look at him and for me will change our family dynamics. I've been clear of my feelings but maybe I should be more clear on what my boundaries are.

Just be honest about your boundaries then. Tell him it's a dealbreaker for you because you know your mental health and the relationship won't survive if he goes to one. Then he can choose what he wants more - a happy and healthy partner or an evening looking at a strangers body in the knowledge he's paying into a misogynist industry that thrives on the abuse of women.

If he chooses the latter he's no huge loss tbh.

@Vodka1

OP, if you trust him then you need to try put it to the back of your head as much as you can.

If he ' enjoyed ' looking at a naked girls body in person, it's something that really can not be stopped. It's the acting on it, the lying about it, the choosing to do it time & time again, and so on.

They're working girls stripping for money to pay their bills who will quite honestly have no interest in your partner.

If you was invited to a hen do & there was a male stripper would you pop outside, turn your head, pretend you can't see ? Ect. Maybe so but it would be unlikely!

The fact you trust him is all you need. Believe in that, believe in yourself and believe in your love for each other.

Don't let this eat you up and ruin your relationship.

I really do trust him and I know I need to stop obsessing over this but I'm finding it really difficult to distance myself from it

I know men and women can enjoy the opposite sex and are still allowed to find others attractive etc it's the whole point of putting yourself in that situation that bothers me. I know it's silly especially when I know he wouldn't act on anything but I can't help but feel hurt at the possibility of not being the only real life women he'd have seen naked in a sexual setting! I don't care if they are interested in him or not, I care that he'd be interested in them.

In all honesty if I knew strippers were involved I'd take a step back and if I unfortunately was "surprised" by them I wouldn't partake. I personally find male strippers cringe and DH views it the same way so neither think it's on the same level but I appreciate your point.

I know I need to nip it in the bud as he's a great DH and I don't want my insecurities chip away at us.

@SleepingBunnies21

Why on earth do women tolerate their husbands booking trips away to these seedy places

Yeah this too.

Whose idea was this particular (notorious) location?

I have been away with friends to Amsterdam, Prague, Magaluf. Dh too, I wonder - why is it different him going to me?

@SleepingBunnies21

They're working girls stripping for money to pay their bills who will quite honestly have no interest in your partner.

I can't say I gave two fucks about the women stripping/dancing in the club my h went into; I never thought for a second they'd be interested sexually or romantically in him (unless they thought he was wealthy or something, then digits might be exchanged) . ... that wasn't it.
That was never it.

It was that t felt like our sexual intimacy and exclusivity had been taunted & tarnished. It was I couldn't stop thinking about him sat in that club with a woman bumping and grinding in a thong in front of him when we were in.cosy domestic ordinary situations; I'd think "wtaf", what is this wanker doing in my home environment. That was more important than my feelings, than pur bond.
It was that i didn't want to be in a relationship with a laddy, cavalier, disrespectful to women dickhead who thought it was appropriate in a relationship.

Why do so many women not get that??!

It's always - you're insecure; nah, I'm not, I could strip and lap dance if I wanted, my looks are "sufficient". "They're not interested in him"; yeah, I know, I don't gaf. I'm more interested in his values.

I understood what you meant don't worry!

What you've described to an extent is my worry, I don't want to keep obsessing over it if it had to happen and I know it would change how I view him. I feel like every time he touched me I'd be thinking of him watching them!

I know I've built most of this up in my head as he isn't like this at all, he's very respectful of myself and other women and absolutely dotes on his DDs.

I have been away with friends to Amsterdam, Prague, Magaluf. Dh too, I wonder - why is it different him going to me?

Are men from all over the world trafficked to service the women who visit those places? News to me.

@Siry

Not every stag do ends up in strip clubs.

You are overthinking it and need to work on that. If he loves you and respects your views then he won’t go in one and will just go back to the hotel. If it happens at all!

Do you have any advice on how to work on it? I'm honestly out of ideas.

I need to tell myself that he's been in this situation before and chose to go back to the hotel and FaceTimed me whilst everyone was at the club, he got the mick taken out of him for a while for doing this but he had too much respect for our marriage. I don't know why this time feels so different. He has given me nothing but reasons to trust he's a man me his word yet I keep obsessing.

@FlorenciaFlora

He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel

Not being funny, but an adult man can’t find his way back to a hotel he really shouldn’t be going abroad.

Look op, there’s a reason men pick these destinations. Personally It sounds like he’s intending to go and it setting up a story where he claims was too scared to get a taxi back.

DH is absolutely useless even in our own country for getting to the right place etc so it's a genuine worry for me him being drunk and alone but I agree that if he really wants to stay away then he will.

I honestly don't think that's the case but you just never know.

@altmember

I'd be more worried about him going to a place where it's unsafe for him to be out alone??

Strip clubs aside I've already voiced my opinions on the safety aspects but being a typical guy doesn't think it'll be that bad as they are in a group.

I was silly enough to research into the destination which has probably made my anxiety ten times worse!

@Wondergirl100

Hey OP. I used to have a lot of problems with anxiety around relationships (massively helped by therapy which I really recommend) - it sounds like your DH is a lovely guy.

Is it worth running through your anxieties and what they mean in real life?

So - you are worried at the thought of him seeing and being turned on by another woman - being realistic, he could be looking at pornhub all day long on his phone if he wanted to - many, many men do that (my husband doesn't and I wouldn't want to be with someone who does - but a lot of women accept it)

If your husband wanted to fantasise about other women - he doesn't need to go abroad to do that. He isn't going to become a different person because of being in the vicinity of 'ladies' - he is who he is and this trip won't change that.

either you trust him or you don't - a man who is two faced or a flirt can do it anywhere - at a bus stop, in an office - again, nothing to do with stag dos.

In a long marriage nobody can promise never to have sexual thoughts about other people - that is honestly not realistic and I wouldn't want to know my husbands deep dark fantasies - as long as he is respectful and doesn't flirt in real life, I don't need access to his mind.

AS I said, I do recommend looking into this - it might seem impossible to imagine but you could probably talk these kind of anxieties through with a therapist and find they have their roots in your own upbringing and have nothing to do with your partner.

I'm currently on the waiting list for therapy and I'm on antidepressants for my mental health issues which have worsened now that the stag do has gotten closer.

DH is the best man I've ever met and I'm so lucky to have him hence why I don't want my insecurities to eat away at our marriage.

I really appreciate your post.

Firstly I can appreciate this but for some reason seeing them in real life makes it different and that's the part I'm struggling to comprehend. DH isn't a regular porn user and he can't remember the last time he was bothered to watch it - I believe him but don't need to go into the reasons why - but can see your point. The thought of him enjoying another women even online hurts but I know it's human nature and it feels "fake" as it's not in touching distance if that makes sense?

DH is definitely not a flirt, if anything he is the complete opposite and is awkward around the opposite sex!

It's definitely something I'll keep in mind for my first session thank you.

@FlorenciaFlora

He has said that he doesn't want to go inside and said himself he would be disappointed as he is morally against it so I know that if he did have to go it wouldn't be his chosen choice if that makes sense

It actually doesn’t make sense. He’s an adult who has free will. You both seem to be setting the stage for him to be forced into going.

I do trust him completely, in the cheating sense, but worry he will end up going due to the crowd and worse if he actually enjoys it

If you are worried he’s going to cave into group pressure then you don’t trust him. Why on earth do women tolerate their husbands booking trips away to these seedy places? Id tell my husband not to bother coming back.

In his defence I was the one who mentioned the destination being unsafe to be alone so I've probably planted that seed as he hasn't even researched the place they are going. Ive done more planning than he has!

I know DH would never chose to go here but feels obligated as he is BM and the groom is our best friend. It can't be changed now as the holiday is fully paid and they go next month but prior to the funds being transferred DH did say he wouldn't go if i had any issues but stupidly I didn't voice my concerns until now. I know if I had to tell DH it's our marriage or the stag do he'd choose me 100 times over but I don't want to be that wife.