DH stag do

[user12123]

Firstly I know I have trouble with insecurities and low self esteem both of which I'm getting help for.

I've name changed as I don't want this thread linked to any of my others.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years and have only been with each other (relevant to the rest of the post) and tbh are in a great place however I feel like I'm in self destruct mode due to an upcoming stag do next month in which he is best man. The thing that is bothering me is that the destination is abroad (might be outing if I'm specific about the location) and the reputation that it has.

I have no problems with DH doing things outside of our marriage and having time out from DC etc but the thought of him being out there makes me feel uneasy. He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel. I trust him completely and he is the best DH and DF but I can't handle the thought of him possibly going into a club especially in a place like this.

I'm really just looking for some words of advice on how to deal with these feelings and to be told the stag so won't be as bad as I'm building it up in my head!

I trust he won't cheat and wouldn't be buying any dances etc if he had to go inside but spirling into a ball of insecurity and it's impacted my mental health majorly. As we have only been intimate with each other I feel as though dynamics will change and he will prefer their body to mine etc.

Sorry for the long post.

@Sonaftersonafterson

OP... I very much doubt your other half has not seen another womans naked body in all the time you've been together. Of course he has. He's not suddenly going to be "oh! There ARE different body's to my OH, who knew!?" . He already knows through social media, advertising, films, basic common sense and he has chosen you. There will be no huge revelation for him IF he goes to a strip club.

I can safely say that DH has never in real life seen another women's body, of course on the telly but never in person. I know deep down he's not going to leave me because he's seen a naked women but to know he's seen a beautiful named women dancing around him when I'm nothing like that hurts. I know it's all ifs just now but I can't seem to switch off.

Whatever happens about or on the stag do there does to be massive trust issues that sound like they'll keep coming back again and again OP. We cannot ever really know what our partners think, who they find attractive, what they think about but we go on the way they are with us and the state of our relationship. While it's the stag do this time it feels like this could come up again in all kinds of situations - be clear with him now about what is acceptable to you while he is away but please consider finding a space or someone to talk through some of the anxiety and fears you have - it does sound like he'll be the one back in the hotel early tho

@Bellyups

If the stag is in a destination known for strip clubs/sex industry/stags, then they will be going into a strip club. It’s down to you as to whether you believe him or not. Personally, no, I think it’s highly unlikely he will wait outside whilst they all go in. There are very few true feminist men out there. Most just tell you what you need to hear

This is my thoughts exactly for the groom as I can't see any other reason why he would choose this destination but for DH I know the strip clubs aren't his reason for going. I do believe that he would stay outside as he has done before (with proof not just his word) but it feels different this time around and I'm not sure why as he's given me no reason to feel this way.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Just be honest about your boundaries then. Tell him it's a dealbreaker for you because you know your mental health and the relationship won't survive if he goes to one. Then he can choose what he wants more - a happy and healthy partner or an evening looking at a strangers body in the knowledge he's paying into a misogynist industry that thrives on the abuse of women.

If he chooses the latter he's no huge loss tbh.

I agree with this.

He sounds like a very decent bloke.

Maybe he'll stay out again.

You need to ve very clear on whether its a deal breakef if he goes in or not.

I was told there would be low to no possibility of it happening; on that basis and on the basis of me not knowing there could be entry price "free" table dances in.clubs like that, and on the basis of me thinking I might be able to handle it as such, i didn't make it clear it was a deal breaker. I was really taken aback by how I felt when i found out. It caused a lot of damage to the relationship.

(In my case it really really didn't help that he lied too. About it happening when I asked him, and then about the "table dances" - (which he claimed made him feel uncomfortable).

I know every situation and relationship is different but I wouldn't wouldn't to see damage done to a relationship like that.

That's why I'd have a definite going in or not if it comes up; and it's sounds likely to because the groom specifically wanted that destination.

Ultimately the club people obviously don't gaf about people's relationships, the other stag attendees don't really gaf about your relationship .... youre the only ones who'll be left to deal with the implications for your relationship.

@VenusTiger

Are you sure the insecurities and low self esteem don't stem from you relationship? You've no comparison, which isn't your fault obvs.

Him saying he doesn't like strip clubs is a lie OP - White lie maybe, but utter bollocks. What straight man doesn't like looking at women's bodies- stop hassling him about it.

At the end of the day, you can't control life, so you'll have to learn C'est la vie - in other words, stop building things up and just let it happen. If he cheats, you can't stop it and if he doesn't then great.

I suffer from anxiety so I understand the over thinking here. My husband went to The Netherlands too for his stag do to watch a band perform in their last ever tour. You either trust him or you don't, you can't have this both ways.

Stop worrying about stuff, it's pointless waste of energy.

I can see how that might come across but in all honestly they don't stem from the relationship, they stem from my childhood and my health problems which make me feel really down about myself looks wise.

I can see why you'd think that but I truly believe when he says he doesn't like them, even when it comes to our relationship things like lap dances etc don't really excite him. I'm in no way hassling him about it, I've mentioned it once after I saw comments about said destination, most of this obsessing is done inside my head. Yes he is a man who of course most likely admired the female body but that doesn't mean he has to like or agree with strip clubs. I also appreciate the male body but in no way would enjoy or feel comfortable ogling a naked man who isn't my husband!

Anxiety is an awful thing isn't it?

*I wouldn't wouldn't like to see damage done to another relationship like that.

@SleepingBunnies21

Why on earth do women tolerate their husbands booking trips away to these seedy places

Yeah this too.

Whose idea was this particular (notorious) location?

It was the groom himself who has chosen this location, my DH had a lot of other good ideas for the stag do but they didn't come off.

@AttaGirrrrl

Okay, how about if we twist this around slightly? If you went to a male strip show (not saying you should, they sound grim) and saw lots of fit, toned men dancing in front of you, would you immediately want to dump DH and be with one of them, or would you think “oh, they’re fit and toned, but I still love and fancy my DH”?

I can see your point of view completely but male strip shows tend to be more cringe than sexy! And no I wouldn't even give them a second thought but at the same time would also not be aroused whilst there.

the groom is our best friend.

Is he though?

Why so determined to spend his stag do in a place known.for (in the words of a lady I knew through work) "cheap beer and cheap whores".

He's presumably not chosen it for art and architecture tours.

@MintyGreenDream

I decided to let it go when dh told me he ended up going to a lap dancing club on his stag do.Of course I wasn't happy about him seeing attractive women half naked but it was a one off and if I'd have had the opportunity to see The Dreamboys or similar on my hen then I would have gone

How did you let go? It hasn't even happened to me nor might it even happen yet I couldn't imagine getting over it. I know for some it doesn't seem like a big deal but for me I feel like it would eat me up and would cause endless arguments which wouldn't be fair to either of us.

@MrsTerryPratchett

He sounds like a good bloke.

However generally stags don't go to Prague or Amsterdam for the art and culture. None of them say it but the entire economy is based on them mostly being liars.

He honestly is a great DH which makes me feel worse for feeling this way.

DH isn't even sure why his friend has chosen this place as he doesn't seem like the type at all. DH has been friends with him since they were babies and he's never once set foot inside a club nor spoken of another girl except his fiancé.

@frozendaisy

My He's stag mates, think it was the first major stag in a long time, went to a eastern European capital.

It was sleezy.

My H, the stag, told me everything.
He was largely horrified.

He didn't cheat, bit of strip club, some of the singles had private dances. He felt too seedy to do that but did get a muddy vagina in his face at one point.

He enjoyed the out and about pub crawl bit, the sleezy bits he hated.

He was glad to get home.
Broken man on couch.

No sympathy from me.

So depends how you H would generally react if anyone said "let's do a lap dancing bar". Mine feels "dirty". He is the same regardless of geography.

How did you get past it? How did you feel about the muddy vagina in his face? I feel I'd never get that image out my head!

DH always says he doesn't see the point in them and doesn't understand why men want to frustrate themselves and go somewhere with their friends where they are all sitting aroused together. He finds the thought of it grim and pointless.

How did you let go? It hasn't even happened to me nor might it even happen yet I couldn't imagine getting over it. I know for some it doesn't seem like a big deal but for me I feel like it would eat me up and would cause endless arguments which wouldn't be fair to either of us.

OP if you feel this strongly you need to have a sit down with him and say it's a dealbreaker mental health and relationship wise. Anything other than you outright saying that to him is a bit dishonest as he might not realise quite how much of an impact it will have on you.

Do you not feel able to say that it's a dealbreaker for you? Surely he isn't that pathetic he can't just say lads I'm off back to the flat, see you in the morning. If he'd rather lose you than lose face then as I said, he's no great loss.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Just be honest about your boundaries then. Tell him it's a dealbreaker for you because you know your mental health and the relationship won't survive if he goes to one. Then he can choose what he wants more - a happy and healthy partner or an evening looking at a strangers body in the knowledge he's paying into a misogynist industry that thrives on the abuse of women.

If he chooses the latter he's no huge loss tbh.

That's exactly what I'm going to do. I was worried incase it made me look like a controlling wife but I know my mental health couldn't handle it. I don't ever want to have the sort of marriage where we tell each other what we can or can't do but I feel that this is within reason.

I can see your point of view completely but male strip shows tend to be more cringe than sexy!

There is also a world of difference between a typical male "revue" and a static strip club for men, even in the UK bit especially abroad.

I don't know why people insist on comparing them.

@Gotaearnabuck

Whatever happens about or on the stag do there does to be massive trust issues that sound like they'll keep coming back again and again OP. We cannot ever really know what our partners think, who they find attractive, what they think about but we go on the way they are with us and the state of our relationship. While it's the stag do this time it feels like this could come up again in all kinds of situations - be clear with him now about what is acceptable to you while he is away but please consider finding a space or someone to talk through some of the anxiety and fears you have - it does sound like he'll be the one back in the hotel early tho

There's no trust issues at all just my low self esteem which is the problem. Believe me it drives me crazy knowing that I'm not the only women he'll ever be attracted to etc (this leads back to my abandonment issues) but I swallow them Deep down and never voice them to DH as I know they are my insecurities and not his fault as he has been nothing but my biggest fan. Everything I feel is my own problems, DH has done nothing but try to build me up over the years.

That's exactly what I'm going to do. I was worried incase it made me look like a controlling wife but I know my mental health couldn't handle it. I don't ever want to have the sort of marriage where we tell each other what we can or can't do but I feel that this is within reason.

You aren't telling him he can or can't go, you're telling him that if he goes you won't be able to cope with it. That's not dictating or controlling, that's being honest and you're doing it in advance so he knows the score.

Stop worrying about sounding controlling - lots of women feel the way you do about this issue for a myriad reasons and if your partner is as nice as you say and really doesn't want to go in one anyway then it isn't a big deal for him to just head back to the accommodation when the others go there is it?!

There's no trust issues at all just my low self esteem which is the problem. Believe me it drives me crazy knowing that I'm not the only women he'll ever be attracted to etc (this leads back to my abandonment issues) but I swallow them Deep down and never voice them to DH as I know they are my insecurities and not his fault as he has been nothing but my biggest fan. Everything I feel is my own problems, DH has done nothing but try to build me up over the years.

Gently OP you need to have some therapy to work through this. Because swallowing insecurities deep down is unhealthy and doesn't solve anything so you need some coping strategies.

Don't conflate that with you not being able to accept him going to a strip club. If that's a hard boundary for you and a dealbreaker you can't cope with then it's completely fair for you to tell him that.

But longer term you need to have some therapy specifically aiming to rebuild your self esteem as an individual, not linked to how your partner or others see or validate you. It would be life changing for you and beneficial to all of your relationships - family / friends / work / marriage.

@SleepingBunnies21

*I wouldn't wouldn't like to see damage done to another relationship like that.

Thank you so much for your perspective and I am going to have honest and clear boundaries as I don't want our marriage to be impacted for sake of pride.

I know deep down that DH won't ever do anything to deliberately hurt me and has always been a man of his word but I can't help but worry he slips up - nobody is perfect.

I'd like to think that the man I married and have spent more than half my life with is the man he says he is. I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and deal with the repercussion (if any) once he is home.

All I can do is set my boundaries and hope he is a man of his word. I have no doubts of his honestly as he always tells me the truth even if it might hurts. That might sound bad but we have always been brutally honest with each other as we never want our relationship to be built on lies even white lies.

@SleepingBunnies21

the groom is our best friend.

Is he though?

Why so determined to spend his stag do in a place known.for (in the words of a lady I knew through work) "cheap beer and cheap whores".

He's presumably not chosen it for art and architecture tours.

I still to this day baffled as to why he has chosen this place and I hope he proves me wrong as it will also affect my relationship with him. I don't think I could continue being best friends with someone who could betray his partner as I know his fiancée would flip if he did go to a strip club,

I really don’t know why you are worried at all tbh!

I also don’t really get why it would be unsafe for him to head back to a hotel by himself if he doesn’t want to go in the strip club !!

I’ve backpacked around Eastern Europe alone and managed to always get myself home safe 🤷‍♀️

Hopefully if he goes on this trip you will calm down a bit after it and be more relaxed in future

He’s given you no reason ever before to not trust him!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

How did you let go? It hasn't even happened to me nor might it even happen yet I couldn't imagine getting over it. I know for some it doesn't seem like a big deal but for me I feel like it would eat me up and would cause endless arguments which wouldn't be fair to either of us.

OP if you feel this strongly you need to have a sit down with him and say it's a dealbreaker mental health and relationship wise. Anything other than you outright saying that to him is a bit dishonest as he might not realise quite how much of an impact it will have on you.

Do you not feel able to say that it's a dealbreaker for you? Surely he isn't that pathetic he can't just say lads I'm off back to the flat, see you in the morning. If he'd rather lose you than lose face then as I said, he's no great loss.

That is exactly what I'm planning to do as like you say otherwise he might not truly know the affect of his actions which wouldn't be fair to him either.

I could honestly say to DH not to go and he would cancel it in a minute as his main priority is his family so I know I can tell him it's a dealbreaker, I just worry about looking controlling as in the past I've let me insecurities get the better of me and we are in such a great place the last few years I don't want him to see me as how I used to be. He isn't one for caring about saving face and has proved that numerous times yet I cant help but feel this way.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

That's exactly what I'm going to do. I was worried incase it made me look like a controlling wife but I know my mental health couldn't handle it. I don't ever want to have the sort of marriage where we tell each other what we can or can't do but I feel that this is within reason.

You aren't telling him he can or can't go, you're telling him that if he goes you won't be able to cope with it. That's not dictating or controlling, that's being honest and you're doing it in advance so he knows the score.

Stop worrying about sounding controlling - lots of women feel the way you do about this issue for a myriad reasons and if your partner is as nice as you say and really doesn't want to go in one anyway then it isn't a big deal for him to just head back to the accommodation when the others go there is it?!

You're completely right thank you for your post. It's hard to see clearly sometimes when you're in the fog of anxiety and insecurity!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

There's no trust issues at all just my low self esteem which is the problem. Believe me it drives me crazy knowing that I'm not the only women he'll ever be attracted to etc (this leads back to my abandonment issues) but I swallow them Deep down and never voice them to DH as I know they are my insecurities and not his fault as he has been nothing but my biggest fan. Everything I feel is my own problems, DH has done nothing but try to build me up over the years.

Gently OP you need to have some therapy to work through this. Because swallowing insecurities deep down is unhealthy and doesn't solve anything so you need some coping strategies.

Don't conflate that with you not being able to accept him going to a strip club. If that's a hard boundary for you and a dealbreaker you can't cope with then it's completely fair for you to tell him that.

But longer term you need to have some therapy specifically aiming to rebuild your self esteem as an individual, not linked to how your partner or others see or validate you. It would be life changing for you and beneficial to all of your relationships - family / friends / work / marriage.

I am currently on medication and on a waiting list for therapy and I really hope I can start to change my mindset on life. I really don't have a high opinion of myself and constantly worry about not being a good enough mother/wife/friend/colleague etc that has made me into a people pleaser.

I hope one day life doesn't feel so foggy and I can be truly happy every day instead of living in constant fear that everyone is going to leave.

but I don't want to be that wife

I didn't want to be the girlfriend who told my partner he couldn't go in such a club if it came up; I regretted it tbh. Everyone is different but ...

If he is to stay out when they go in (which im inclined to think.they will in a destination geared towards it; he's going to have to have a military level plan on how he's going to avoid "you'll get lost, mugged, you're too drunk, you don't leave the group, ah come on man this is groom's night, it's only 25 mins, you don't have to tell the woman, where are going to go while we're in here, blah blah blah".