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Original poster

DH stag do

186 replies

user12123 · 02/10/2021 14:15

Firstly I know I have trouble with insecurities and low self esteem both of which I'm getting help for.

I've name changed as I don't want this thread linked to any of my others.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years and have only been with each other (relevant to the rest of the post) and tbh are in a great place however I feel like I'm in self destruct mode due to an upcoming stag do next month in which he is best man. The thing that is bothering me is that the destination is abroad (might be outing if I'm specific about the location) and the reputation that it has.

I have no problems with DH doing things outside of our marriage and having time out from DC etc but the thought of him being out there makes me feel uneasy. He is against strip clubs etc and has said he will not entertain them unless he felt unsafe being the only one out the group to wait outside/find his way back to the hotel. I trust him completely and he is the best DH and DF but I can't handle the thought of him possibly going into a club especially in a place like this.

I'm really just looking for some words of advice on how to deal with these feelings and to be told the stag so won't be as bad as I'm building it up in my head!

I trust he won't cheat and wouldn't be buying any dances etc if he had to go inside but spirling into a ball of insecurity and it's impacted my mental health majorly. As we have only been intimate with each other I feel as though dynamics will change and he will prefer their body to mine etc.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
DillonPanthersTexas · 03/10/2021 12:56

DH isn't a big drinker at all, he's been out maybe 3 times in the last 3 years so I have no idea how he's going to handle all of the fun lol.

He will probably be in bed by 9pm then.

Original poster
user12123 · 03/10/2021 13:02

I also apologise for having to quote when replying, for some reason my phone won't let me just reply (and to be honest I forget what has been said!).

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 03/10/2021 14:12

You sound pretty devoted to each other I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about.

Original poster
user12123 · 03/10/2021 14:25

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes

You sound pretty devoted to each other I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about.
Thank you.

We really are and try to be the best team we possibly can be. I think that's why I'm so anxious as I don't want anything to ruin what we have.

OP posts:
FlorenciaFlora · 03/10/2021 15:42

It only goes to show how fucked up our society is that a woman is told to get therapy for not accepting this

Absolutely.

SleepingBunnies21 · 03/10/2021 16:08

It's disrespectful, why is it different from getting a strip/dance from a girl you've met on a night out? Both cheating in my opinion.

I agree 100%.

This lap dancing club thing for attached men is like some kind of sleight of hand/Jedi mind trick re. cheating.

In any other circumstances whatsoever, what is done in a private dance, even a table dance would he cheating; but somehow if you walk in the doors of a lap dancing club and give a woman a few notes; it's not cheating.

Even what goes on in many clubs outside of table and private dances pushes boundaries quite hard.

If men had to deal with a true equivalent, they wouldn't (either through convenient cluelessness and lack of empathy or purposeful expediency/exploitation) be ok with ot either.

I went to an unusual male lap dancing club (which had typical dancing by male strippers with a bit of grabbing and play acting with random women in the audience, but also had lap dances. One of the dancers ground over me, wrapped his fick around my wrist, touched me between the legs etc. I didn't furnish my partnwr with the full lurid details because his behaviour was the reason I went there in the first place, and he knew it (I like visiting national trust properties in my spare time that's my kinda zone) ... it angered & hurt me so I wanted to make a point. He was not comfortable but couldn't stop me going or say much because of what he'd done. By that point he'd admitted anyway that it "wasn't right". It was stiff that goes on.bwteeen intimate sexusl.partners, being done with strangers, for cash.

He's very laid back and philosophical too, I'd like to see the majority of men I've heard of of they partner was doing similar. They're total hypocrites.

If people want to fool themselves with the jefi mind trick "not cheating" (because its in a club, she's doing it to lots of men, and he paid (oh and he's on a stag do where you somehow get a pass on appropriate behaviour towards your partner), then can; I won't, and I'm glad I'm in the good company of the op.

Thus hasn't even touched on ethical sex industry issues either.

SleepingBunnies21 · 03/10/2021 16:20

Back on your particular situation op; it is very strange indeed that the groom, who you think is not inclined to this sort of behaviour and whose wife to be would not be ok with sort of behaviour either; has insisting on 30 men travelling to an Eastern European city notorious for cheap booze and lap dancing clubs/brothels.. during what is still an abnormal travel/health situation. Having rejected loads of options in the UK etc (?)

(The only other thing that happens there for stag groups typically is range shooting; but you could possibly organise that elsewhere, and if you weren't into drinking and the sex industry, you'd probably do so).

Pretty weird; you gave to wonder if the men who.your do thinks are inclined to this behaviour, lobbied hard for this destination.

SleepingBunnies21 · 03/10/2021 16:27

(And the stag is malleable).

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 03/10/2021 16:42

I'm just talking to my husband about this.
He is saying actually not all stag does do end up in strip club and when we thought about he has only been on two stag does that have gone to a strip club and tonnes where they haven't.

He also said actually the people who will cheat will cheat regardless if they are on a stag do or not and probably more likely to cheat on a regular night out because on a stag do, there's more people there.

He said he could only think of one instance where a guy was refusing to come in but did in the end and then bitched about it the whole time but he could have just treated it as a regular bar like the majority of the group were, without getting involved in any of the stripper stuff. (He was the brother of the stag and they thought if he stormed off home it'd ruin the atmosphere or something)

I dunno, if you trust your partner you shouldn't have anything to worry about AND the fact he is against them I don't think you have anything to worry about op.

Original poster
user12123 · 03/10/2021 16:50

@SleepingBunnies21

It's disrespectful, why is it different from getting a strip/dance from a girl you've met on a night out? Both cheating in my opinion.

I agree 100%.

This lap dancing club thing for attached men is like some kind of sleight of hand/Jedi mind trick re. cheating.

In any other circumstances whatsoever, what is done in a private dance, even a table dance would he cheating; but somehow if you walk in the doors of a lap dancing club and give a woman a few notes; it's not cheating.

Even what goes on in many clubs outside of table and private dances pushes boundaries quite hard.

If men had to deal with a true equivalent, they wouldn't (either through convenient cluelessness and lack of empathy or purposeful expediency/exploitation) be ok with ot either.

I went to an unusual male lap dancing club (which had typical dancing by male strippers with a bit of grabbing and play acting with random women in the audience, but also had lap dances. One of the dancers ground over me, wrapped his fick around my wrist, touched me between the legs etc. I didn't furnish my partnwr with the full lurid details because his behaviour was the reason I went there in the first place, and he knew it (I like visiting national trust properties in my spare time that's my kinda zone) ... it angered & hurt me so I wanted to make a point. He was not comfortable but couldn't stop me going or say much because of what he'd done. By that point he'd admitted anyway that it "wasn't right". It was stiff that goes on.bwteeen intimate sexusl.partners, being done with strangers, for cash.

He's very laid back and philosophical too, I'd like to see the majority of men I've heard of of they partner was doing similar. They're total hypocrites.

If people want to fool themselves with the jefi mind trick "not cheating" (because its in a club, she's doing it to lots of men, and he paid (oh and he's on a stag do where you somehow get a pass on appropriate behaviour towards your partner), then can; I won't, and I'm glad I'm in the good company of the op.

Thus hasn't even touched on ethical sex industry issues either.

100%, it's completely disrespectful at the very least.

Men would most likely have a different outlook if there was a true equivalent, my DH is the first to admit that he wouldn't like it and it would eat away at him although he said he'd never stop me just knowing how he feels is enough to never do it.

I don't blame you for wanting to even the playing field as it's something I'd feel I'd need to do to move on so then we are on an equal footing!

OP posts:
Original poster
user12123 · 03/10/2021 16:56

@SleepingBunnies21

Back on your particular situation op; it is very strange indeed that the groom, who you think is not inclined to this sort of behaviour and whose wife to be would not be ok with sort of behaviour either; has insisting on 30 men travelling to an Eastern European city notorious for cheap booze and lap dancing clubs/brothels.. during what is still an abnormal travel/health situation. Having rejected loads of options in the UK etc (?)

(The only other thing that happens there for stag groups typically is range shooting; but you could possibly organise that elsewhere, and if you weren't into drinking and the sex industry, you'd probably do so).

Pretty weird; you gave to wonder if the men who.your do thinks are inclined to this behaviour, lobbied hard for this destination.

To make it even stranger the brides family (including her dad!!) are in attendance so it's not as though it's just a group of "lads" - this part makes DH think it might not be on the agenda as her family are very much "respectable". The groom has another "best friend" whom we actually thought would be BM (DH can't stand him he's very obnoxious and doesn't come across respectful of women in particular his DF), we think he might be the one planting seeds!

DH and I as I've mentioned before have a pretty open door marriage ie phones etc are always lying about and we ask the other to reply to our messages etc if the other is busy so I've been asked to reply to some groupchat messages and honestly no strip clubs etc have even been mentioned to DH which makes it even weirder don't you think? It makes me worry that as they know he isn't for it/not planning it that they might be doing it behind his back.

OP posts:
Original poster
user12123 · 03/10/2021 16:59

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

I'm just talking to my husband about this. He is saying actually not all stag does do end up in strip club and when we thought about he has only been on two stag does that have gone to a strip club and tonnes where they haven't.

He also said actually the people who will cheat will cheat regardless if they are on a stag do or not and probably more likely to cheat on a regular night out because on a stag do, there's more people there.

He said he could only think of one instance where a guy was refusing to come in but did in the end and then bitched about it the whole time but he could have just treated it as a regular bar like the majority of the group were, without getting involved in any of the stripper stuff. (He was the brother of the stag and they thought if he stormed off home it'd ruin the atmosphere or something)

I dunno, if you trust your partner you shouldn't have anything to worry about AND the fact he is against them I don't think you have anything to worry about op.

That's reassuring to hear that it's not always the norm.

I do agree that a cheater will cheat anywhere and if you have the mentality it doesn't matter if it's on a school run or a stag.

I do believe that if for some reason DH had to go in he would opt for the bar and most likely would feel to awkward to even look up but again I could be a complete mug.

I really need to stop worrying about it and try just let myself deal with it if I have to.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 03/10/2021 17:04

@SleepingBunnies21. I think a problem is woman have often allowed it to become the norm for men to be given a pass for sleazy shit by not expressing their displeasure or disgust as they fear being called ‘controlling’ or ‘not cool’ (often by other women on here) be it lap dances on stag nights or passing round disgusting memes in WhatsApp groups or constant porn or to the fact that festivals are now having notices up saying that ‘upskirters’ will be prosecuted. We then wonder why we end up with so many blokes out there who struggle with monogamous relationships or get a kick from asking women for particularly niche sex acts or send dick pics etc, etc or even groups of police sending mysogonistic and pornographic shit to each other — all under the ‘boys will be boys’ —

gogohm · 03/10/2021 17:20

Dp has been to these sorts of places with work (make dominated industry) and says they are horrible, but actually you can just sit and drink (very expensive) drinks, there's no pressure to do anything more (they have an upper floor for more "personalised" services). It's seedy, there's a trafficking issue but legal in several European countries. If you trust your Dp's then there isn't really a problem except the ethics which they have to decide upon.
(Thankfully dp is now senior enough to stamp this out in his company!)

Original poster
user12123 · 03/10/2021 17:47

@gogohm

Dp has been to these sorts of places with work (make dominated industry) and says they are horrible, but actually you can just sit and drink (very expensive) drinks, there's no pressure to do anything more (they have an upper floor for more "personalised" services). It's seedy, there's a trafficking issue but legal in several European countries. If you trust your Dp's then there isn't really a problem except the ethics which they have to decide upon. (Thankfully dp is now senior enough to stamp this out in his company!)
I've never understood why business men etc use these places for work related purposes, I couldn't imagine having to have a meeting with a man gyrating in my face lol.

How did you deal with knowing he was having to use these places?

OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 03/10/2021 17:48

but actually you can just sit and drink

Even doing this in a club, you'll probably be watching some free with entry price "dancing", in fact punters review clubs giving big praise for clubs with stage dances included with entry price. Likewise dancers will be circulating, chatting and flirting in little clothing, trying to make their money with table dances and private dances.

In the club my partner went to (he claims) entry cost included a "table" dance (he said to knickers, reviews said kbocjers pulled down).

So, I'm not a huge fan of the "they can just sit af the bar and do nothing, it's normal and not inappropriate to their partner at home (looking after the kiddies in many cases) thing; it's not a normal bar, you can get involved in stuff, by proxy even, that would make your partner v unhappy.

Also stag parties often buy floor shows etc - there's a woman in this thread who said her h got a "muddy vagina in the face at one point, my ex said he was party to women penetrative themselves with bananas, which he found crass, and a turn off .. and I believe him, knowing what I know of him before we finished) .... let's not go with the "they can just sit there and not be involved in anything" line, because it's not always true at all.

SleepingBunnies21 · 03/10/2021 17:50

*penetrating themselves with bananas

SleepingBunnies21 · 03/10/2021 17:52

[quote Crikeyalmighty]@SleepingBunnies21. I think a problem is woman have often allowed it to become the norm for men to be given a pass for sleazy shit by not expressing their displeasure or disgust as they fear being called ‘controlling’ or ‘not cool’ (often by other women on here) be it lap dances on stag nights or passing round disgusting memes in WhatsApp groups or constant porn or to the fact that festivals are now having notices up saying that ‘upskirters’ will be prosecuted. We then wonder why we end up with so many blokes out there who struggle with monogamous relationships or get a kick from asking women for particularly niche sex acts or send dick pics etc, etc or even groups of police sending mysogonistic and pornographic shit to each other — all under the ‘boys will be boys’ —[/quote]
100%.

Some even go to female only strip.clubs (there are virtually none that aren't female only, at one point stringfellows had males too, but perhaps more aimed at gay patrons than women) with their colleagues to fit in, and join the loadsamoney, bracado, toxic nasculinity, city boy thing.

SleepingBunnies21 · 03/10/2021 17:57

the fact that festivals are now having notices up saying that ‘upskirters’ will be prosecuted.

Haven't been to a festival in ages abd hadn't seen it, but it's sadly not surprising at all.

Also my experience of festivals is that a lot of men think they're a drink and drug fueled hook up free for all and can be quite predatory esp when when the sun goes down, they often act like they're owed a hookup/sex. Makes me v glad I didn't go to any overnight ones as a young woman.

SleepingBunnies21 · 03/10/2021 18:02

The groom has another "best friend" whom we actually thought would be BM (DH can't stand him he's very obnoxious and doesn't come across respectful of women in particular his DF), we think he might be the one planting seeds!

There's definitely something behind it, seems like a possible explanation.

He's chosen essentially a sex tourism destination.

I think.another poster on here saud that she'd found out her partner, the organiser of the stag do, has been booking strippers for the limos in Prague, just in case the strippers in the clubs weren't enough. These women were sitting, naked or nearly so, on the stag do guys' laps during transfers around town. Says it all really.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 03/10/2021 18:04

Yes the show with the bananas and cream in their vaginas is retold as a laugh AT the woman and absolutely not sexy at all. It's just cringey.

Original poster
user12123 · 03/10/2021 18:11

@SleepingBunnies21

but actually you can just sit and drink

Even doing this in a club, you'll probably be watching some free with entry price "dancing", in fact punters review clubs giving big praise for clubs with stage dances included with entry price. Likewise dancers will be circulating, chatting and flirting in little clothing, trying to make their money with table dances and private dances.

In the club my partner went to (he claims) entry cost included a "table" dance (he said to knickers, reviews said kbocjers pulled down).

So, I'm not a huge fan of the "they can just sit af the bar and do nothing, it's normal and not inappropriate to their partner at home (looking after the kiddies in many cases) thing; it's not a normal bar, you can get involved in stuff, by proxy even, that would make your partner v unhappy.

Also stag parties often buy floor shows etc - there's a woman in this thread who said her h got a "muddy vagina in the face at one point, my ex said he was party to women penetrative themselves with bananas, which he found crass, and a turn off .. and I believe him, knowing what I know of him before we finished) .... let's not go with the "they can just sit there and not be involved in anything" line, because it's not always true at all.

See this is definitely where I'm "blind" as I didn't even think of the fact he'd still be able to see everything if he was at the bar, in my head it's a separate bit from the stage!

I would honestly freak out if it was my DH, it's bad enough the thought of him even entering the place never mind the extras of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
user12123 · 03/10/2021 18:14

@SleepingBunnies21

the fact that festivals are now having notices up saying that ‘upskirters’ will be prosecuted.

Haven't been to a festival in ages abd hadn't seen it, but it's sadly not surprising at all.

Also my experience of festivals is that a lot of men think they're a drink and drug fueled hook up free for all and can be quite predatory esp when when the sun goes down, they often act like they're owed a hookup/sex. Makes me v glad I didn't go to any overnight ones as a young woman.

That is awful. How can men feel so bloody entitled.

I've been to a few festivals and it's horrific the scenes you witness at the end of the night.

I dread my DDs growing up and wanting to attend festivals etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
user12123 · 03/10/2021 18:15

@SleepingBunnies21

The groom has another "best friend" whom we actually thought would be BM (DH can't stand him he's very obnoxious and doesn't come across respectful of women in particular his DF), we think he might be the one planting seeds!

There's definitely something behind it, seems like a possible explanation.

He's chosen essentially a sex tourism destination.

I think.another poster on here saud that she'd found out her partner, the organiser of the stag do, has been booking strippers for the limos in Prague, just in case the strippers in the clubs weren't enough. These women were sitting, naked or nearly so, on the stag do guys' laps during transfers around town. Says it all really.

I've actually seen this online and I hope to god nobody boycotts DH and plans this as it would be an instant divorce if he didn't arrange his own taxi at this point.
OP posts:
Treacletoots · 03/10/2021 18:15

I don't know why we're still peddling this misogynistic bullshit of an excuse that men 'have' to go to a strip club, they 'have' to go abroad, get drunk etc etc

I wouldn't accept it from my DH at any other time so why, just because someone is getting married that suddenly it's OK.

It's degrading, it's misogynistic, and it's time we treated it with the contempt it truly deserves.

In your circumstances OP I truly don't think your OH would do anything to breach your trust. But at the same time I don't know why you can't just say, I don't want you to do that. It upsets me and I totally find the whole thing disgusting. If he cares more about you than he does saving face with some of his mates then he'd respect you enough to not do it. It's a choice like any other.