Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

[Isla248]

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

I personally would find it inappropriate and I know my DP would as well. Does your DH know? Does your friends DW know? If not- then definitely inappropriate.

As long as it’s not some hidden thing then why not?

Although it kind of comes across like you are sounding each other out with the partner questions?

I have absolutely no problem with this. Nothing secretive and you're both chatting about your spouses in a normal, conversational way.

Of course you can be friends, I despise sometimes as a single women that I can never see friends who are all married up because I must be only after after peoples husbands. Going for lunch with people at work perfectly normal. Or is it 1950s and you can only lunch with girl friends incase someone things you are starting a scandal ?!

I've been out with married colleagues for lunch. If the conversation is positive chit chat about work and family its fine. If it strays into slagging off the wife (which usually starts with little digs to test the water) then absolutely not. Alcohol? Absolutely not.

No, I don’t think there is a problem with going for lunch with a man if one or both of you are married. I think it’s slightly ridiculous to think that as a blanket rule it isn’t ok. Obviously sometimes it isn’t ok, but a total “now you’re in a serious relationship/married you cannot meet a man by yourself” is silly.

Personally, I don’t really ask anything about his family life or wife. We talked about pregnancy and delivery because his wife is due. He has on more than one occasion brought up my husband, what his job is, and when we talk about a random subject he has asked whether my husband would want that too. That’s the only part my has irked my friends I think. Other than that, this guy is super chilled.

As long as nothing's being hidden from either spouse, if its all above board and no flirting I really don't see the problem. Married if it matters. I wouldn't be worried if DH had a female friend.

@Northernsoullover

I've been out with married colleagues for lunch. If the conversation is positive chit chat about work and family its fine. If it strays into slagging off the wife (which usually starts with little digs to test the water) then absolutely not. Alcohol? Absolutely not.

A meal where you both drink water is ok, but a meal where you have a glass of wine automatically isn’t?

Sounds perfectly fine to me. My dp has female colleagues he goes to lunch with sometimes. It's never struck me as even a thing!

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

As long as nothing's being hidden from either spouse, if its all above board and no flirting I really don't see the problem. Married if it matters. I wouldn't be worried if DH had a female friend.

No flirting at all.

To me this isn't strange as long as there is no under lying intentions

I have a similar situation with a chap from my work, naturally got on and on very same wave lengths. We message a lot - I'd say 50/50 split about work and personal life. We've been to each other weddings and now meet up with kids! We have tea with the OH's once/twice a year but we often catch up and go for lunch, coffee and even been the cinema!

It is nothing bar friendship and both OH's are fully aware and don't mind.

I’ll ask again- do both your respective spouses know?

Sounds fine to me. I'm single and occasionally go out to lunch or have over for dinner a guy who has a partner. We've known each other for years and if anything was going to happen it would have already. His partner sometimes joins us sometimes not.
I think you can tell if there's an undercurrent of something - if there isn't, then no problem.

Do you ask female colleagues loads of questions about their husbands over lunch? I'd suspect you don't, because it would be intrusive and a bit rude.

However you might if you were romantically interested and trying to simultaneously find out more about her private life and get her to drop her guard about your intentions.

Can a married woman and a colleague have lunch together? Absolutely. But he's dodgy, and I strongly suspect you know it and are enjoying the connection/attention, whether or not you'll acknowledge it to yourself.

He's got a pregnant wife, and you need to back off.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with this. If you are in a strong relationship and trust one another, having friends of the opposite sex shouldn’t be a problem.

This would not bother me at all. My DP meets female colleagues (who have now become friends) for coffee/lunches and I have no issues with this. Relationships have to be built on trust and respect.

As long as both your spouses know then why on earth not. Wouldn't question it if DH went for lunch with a married coworker.

@NotaCoolMum

I’ll ask again- do both your respective spouses know?

I don’t know about his wife but I haven’t actually mentioned it to mine. Only because it would reveal my double-standards to him. I’m capable of having a decent relationship with the opposite sex, however he isn’t and has cheated on my before. So that’s the only reason why I haven’t mentioned it myself. If he ever asked, I wouldn’t deny it.

I have lunch with male colleagues all the time. Most of my colleagues are male though to be fair. I don't tend to spontaneously ask them out for lunch outside of work however. And what's with the Ladies thing?

@ScottishStardust

To me this isn't strange as long as there is no under lying intentions

I have a similar situation with a chap from my work, naturally got on and on very same wave lengths. We message a lot - I'd say 50/50 split about work and personal life. We've been to each other weddings and now meet up with kids! We have tea with the OH's once/twice a year but we often catch up and go for lunch, coffee and even been the cinema!

It is nothing bar friendship and both OH's are fully aware and don't mind.

I love this!!

I meet married men for lunch because they're my friends, and many of them are also ex colleagues (networks matter). All open and above board. And I'm bisexual anyway, so if I can't meet people I'm capable of being sexually attracted to, I can't meet anyone.

Nothing wrong with coupled-up people having lunch with a colleague. But if my close friends (whose views I respect) expressed concern about something I was doing, whatever it was, I’d wonder why. These people know you very well. Have they picked up on a vibe of some kind?

The plot thickens. Lying isn't great. Sounds a bit like game playing now OP, I'm afraid.