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Original poster

Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

267 replies

Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:09

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 30/09/2021 22:29

For context the lady is married

Timeisavirtue · 30/09/2021 22:29

@Polmuggle

I've just been out drinking with my married male colleague. Somehow I managed not to sleep with him Hmm
😂😂😂
Cruiser11 · 30/09/2021 22:30

Do you look forward to the lunches with him more than with a girlfriend? Do you think about him? Why haven’t you told your DH yet?

PieMistee · 30/09/2021 22:30

You know if there's flirting. So if none then all good.

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 22:33

Also, why have you gossiped to girlfriends (who you don't like as much as men) about your lunch partner, but not mentioned it to your DH?

I don't think anyone has said generally that married men and women can't be friends "and manage not to sleep together". CLEARLY, they do all the damn time. My best friend is a man and I'm also married to a man.

But context is everything and I honestly think op is having a crap time and is kidding herself about why she needs a male friend for deep conversations and banter which she absolutely cannot get from her girlfriends.

BoredZelda · 30/09/2021 22:34

Like a pp, I hate it when women say "I click better with men".

Why? It’s just a statement of fact. I work mainly with me, I was at university mainly with men, and, as a result, I find friendly relationships with men are easier than with the much smaller number of women I have met in my life. Generally I find that the women I have met tend to be interested in things I am not and conversation is harder with them. If you want me to be more specific I’ll say I get on better with the men I have met than with the women i have met bur I always presumed that caveat goes without saying. I’m sure if I met more women like me and if the men I met were all beer swilling footy fans I’d say I find women easier to get on with.

I know it is fashionable to pretend men and women don’t socialise in different ways, but that ignores the actual truth.

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 22:36

If you want me to be more specific I’ll say I get on better with the men I have met than with the women i have met bur I always presumed that caveat goes without saying

Yes, I would like that really Smile

Would you say "I click better with straight people" or "I click better with English people"? No? Why is that? Because that would make you a prejudiced cunt no?

afrikat · 30/09/2021 22:38

I have several male friends who I would feel comfortable going out for lunch or dinner with on my own and my DH wouldn't bat an eye. I made a very good male work friend who moved countries and we still video call every few months and WhatsApp sporadically.
My DH and I are good friends with another couple - every few months me and the male partner get together to watch a horror movie (neither of our partners like them). My DH goes cycling with the female partner

As long as there isn't any flirting, no talking about issues in relationships and no attraction I can't see why it should be an issue

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 22:39

@ScumbagDave

Also, why have you gossiped to girlfriends (who you don't like as much as men) about your lunch partner, but not mentioned it to your DH?

I don't think anyone has said generally that married men and women can't be friends "and manage not to sleep together". CLEARLY, they do all the damn time. My best friend is a man and I'm also married to a man.

But context is everything and I honestly think op is having a crap time and is kidding herself about why she needs a male friend for deep conversations and banter which she absolutely cannot get from her girlfriends.

Should clarify; my best friend and DH are different people! Wasn't very clear there.
Catullus5 · 30/09/2021 22:42

@ScumbagDave

If you want me to be more specific I’ll say I get on better with the men I have met than with the women i have met bur I always presumed that caveat goes without saying

Yes, I would like that really Smile

Would you say "I click better with straight people" or "I click better with English people"? No? Why is that? Because that would make you a prejudiced cunt no?

I click well with English people because I am an emigrant from England. I hardly think that makes me racist.
ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 22:45

You got my point clever cloggs Hmm

As an English person (which I am not) living in England, if you said "I click better with English people", yes, I would assume you were a racist. HTH.

MissCruellaDeVil · 30/09/2021 22:48

Nothing wrong with that, I have male friends and DH has female friends, it's about trust.

spotcheck · 30/09/2021 22:59

If he ever asked, I wouldn’t deny it

Interesting.

So, secrecy is still a big feature in your marriage.

You also say you're lonely, and this man helps fill a gap. And you've had tough times with your husband. And your friend seems interested in your husband, which happens when people are sizing up their competition.

You're treading dangerous ground
Your situation is very different to someone who is happy and secure in their marriage, and mentions the lunch to their spouse.

Catullus5 · 30/09/2021 22:59

@ScumbagDave

You got my point clever cloggs Hmm

As an English person (which I am not) living in England, if you said "I click better with English people", yes, I would assume you were a racist. HTH.

But you haven't got mine, which is that genuine differences in culture make it perfectly normal to find it easier to get along with people from one group rather than another. For example, one thing I don't miss about the UK in general is the snarking and complaining.

There are real differences in how men and women socialise so I really don't see why is strange that someone should prefer the company of the opposite gender.

Dfhugdhvdnjrs · 30/09/2021 23:00

How bizarre - is this the Handmaids Tale? How on earth could this be considered unacceptable?
Something definitely wrong if people cannot go out for lunch, dinner, drinks or whatever. Entirely normal adult behaviour.

Dfhugdhvdnjrs · 30/09/2021 23:01

It wouldn’t occur to me to mention it to OH. We have other things to talk about.

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 23:05

Thanks for the education, but should we maybe get back to the question at hand, which isn't actually about you and how you get on better with men and English people who live in abroad but you don't miss the British sneakiness Confused? Have I got all that? All off your chest now? Or would you like to discuss how you don't like people with curly hair perhaps or people who do...I dunno... ferret racing...? (Please don't).

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 23:09

There are real differences in how men and women socialise so I really don't see why is strange that someone should prefer the company of the opposite gender.

Argh last time I respond to your nonsense, but I never said it was strange to prefer the company of men. I said I hate it when people make a sweeping statement about clicking better with men. I also said that when people use the classic "women are so bitchy" it comes from a place of misogyny, internalised or otherwise.

Hope that clarifies. Now, if you don't mind as a non English woman, we probably won't click so... Byeeeee! Toodlepip old bean. Tata for now.

TractorAndHeadphones · 30/09/2021 23:10

@ScumbagDave

If you want me to be more specific I’ll say I get on better with the men I have met than with the women i have met bur I always presumed that caveat goes without saying

Yes, I would like that really Smile

Would you say "I click better with straight people" or "I click better with English people"? No? Why is that? Because that would make you a prejudiced cunt no?

There’s no such things as ‘straight people interests’ and a lot of people for various reasons click better with people of their own race or nationality. It’s politically incorrect to say but the way some people live makes it blatant obvious. Like the international students who come all the way to England and spend the entire 3 years of their degree with their national society and countrymen =•=
WorryMcGee · 30/09/2021 23:13

I’m married, I have male friends who are also married, we have gone for lunch loads of times and - god forbid - drinks in the evening too! I talk about my husband, they talk about their wives, same as I would with female friends. My husband hasn’t got an issue with it at all, neither have their wives. In fact, when my husband was really ill last year a couple of them sent him some really thoughtful gifts, despite only really knowing him from stuff I’ve said! They’re just lovely people whose company I enjoy, them being men doesn’t really come into it.

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 23:15

Ah FFS another one? Can you stop derailing?

Ok, I was wrong! Men are way nicer than women. So much better bantz and they're never ever bitchy. Also it's totally fine to only want to hang out with people who are the same nationality as you are. Healthy and normal and you're all fantastic people who aren't like other girls and love men and man stuff and well done.

So hush now dears and let's discuss the actual op.

WTF475878237NC · 30/09/2021 23:16

Personally I would not do this or be happy with a partner who did either. This is because it's all too easy to start leaning on someone you should not when life impacts on your marriage and most affairs are between people who never intended to cheat but slowly slowly crossed boundaries and started over sharing with a friend.

It's different if we're talking a friend who has been in our lives for a long time and pre-dates the marriage. But a new friend or new colleague, no.

WTF475878237NC · 30/09/2021 23:18

Shirley Glass not just good friends is an interesting read on this.

SarahBellam · 30/09/2021 23:23

Depends on the lunch - a sandwich and a coffee in the local cafe - absolutely fine. A three hour champagne lunch in a romantic dimly lit hotel restaurant- not so much.

Purplewithred · 30/09/2021 23:24

Oh no, all this time I’ve been meeting my married male friends without a chaperone! I had no idea it was So Wrong! Do you think my husband or his wife should have told us not to go? Or have we missed out by just eating, should we have jumped in to bed because you can’t trust two people together in public for any length of time and everyone would assume we were shagging anyway?

FGS it’s 2021 in the uk. Ridiculous.