Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

[Isla248]

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

@SleepingStandingUp

Yabu

Asking any man for a drink or food is basically asking him to fuck you right there and then on the table.

Everyone knows it's impossible to be anything beyond polite to a member of the opposite sex before you find yourself riding him vigorously all over his house or yours.

Stop being a floozy and talking to men. You're married now. You only need a couple of female married friends and no one else.

HTH.

That’s very hurtful and in future try being a bit more empathetic than thinking the worst in people’s intentions. If I wanted a man to screw, I earn well enough to pay for that kind of service, not break up other families, as I know what that feels like myself.

@SleepingStandingUp was being sarcastic about other posters saying you shouldn't have lunch with a bloke OP, not having a go at you x

I can't see the issue with this - what's the alternative, you only have women as friends forever as soon as you're married?

Assuming you're not actually into him and aren't picking up any weird vibes, this is just two people who are friends/colleagues going for lunch which is perfectly normal!

@isla248 you misread my comment, as you'vegotten said but also if you see my post below my first post, I missed the updates and misread the tone of the thread and apologised accordingly.

I assumed my comment was so OTT it would read as obvious sarcasm but get you're upset atm

I do think your friends are right.

You mentioned your chats with your friend included, you offering information that you are unhappy with your weight and your friend asking if your husband is happy with the way your body looks.

This conversation is not professional and has overstepped innocent work conversations, it is leading and opens up further discussions of why you and your husband are not happy.

I totally agree your husband should not call sex workers, that alone would have me out of the door but I do think you are trying to strike up a personal friendship with this colleague at the expense of his pregnant wife.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]**@isla248* you misread my comment, as you'vegotten* said but also if you see my post below my first post, I missed the updates and misread the tone of the thread and apologised accordingly.

I assumed my comment was so OTT it would read as obvious sarcasm but get you're upset atm[/quote]
Oh yes, I did read the one below. Thank you for apologising and I’m not upset. I understand that this topic is viewed differently by many. Thank you for taking the time out to respond.

@Onthedunes

I do think your friends are right.

You mentioned your chats with your friend included, you offering information that you are unhappy with your weight and your friend asking if your husband is happy with the way your body looks.

This conversation is not professional and has overstepped innocent work conversations, it is leading and opens up further discussions of why you and your husband are not happy.

I totally agree your husband should not call sex workers, that alone would have me out of the door but I do think you are trying to strike up a personal friendship with this colleague at the expense of his pregnant wife.

That’s the only point where I thought it was strange to bring up wheat my husband thinks about my weight. I was casually making a joke about it, as I’m known in the office to like my food. I’m not obese, just a stone heavier, which is much for me, as I’m only 5ft1 and mentioned wanting to feel healthier when he asked if I considered a personal trainer. We talked a lot about his wife and the support he can offer up, as I had two hypnobirths. He made a point to say “but what about men and how they’re feeling”. I remember getting into a bit of a debate about the physical and emotional strains of pregnancy. He then said he understands. I don’t know why I’m remembering this now :/

Everything else in the marriage is good

Do you honestly think this is true - because yesterday you posted that you were lonely and wanted a friend. And I am not saying that married people shouldn’t have friends but I genuinely don’t think people who have good, happy marriages feel lonely.

And I think your friends have commented on your friendship because you are ripe for an emotional affair- if your friend is the decent sort then this won’t happen, but I think they are right to say be wary.

I tried to say this yesterday but my words were completely misunderstood by a different poster, anyway, I mean this kindly, but your new work friend isn’t the problem here, your marriage is…. And I think you know that and that is why you are posting on here (and there’s nothing wrong with that - it can be a really good support network to work through your feelings) .

*He then asked if my husband has a problem with my weight and if he was happy with my body, would I be happy.

Isla, I felt uncomfortable when I read this. To me, he crossed a line with that personal question. And when he asked, “what about men and how they’re feeling” when discussing his wife’s pregnancy, was he suggesting that he needs support? Hmm

I’m having doubts about his boundaries.

Bold fail!

@MsDogLady

*He then asked if my husband has a problem with my weight and if he was happy with my body, would I be happy.

Isla, I felt uncomfortable when I read this. To me, he crossed a line with that personal question. And when he asked, “what about men and how they’re feeling” when discussing his wife’s pregnancy, was he suggesting that he needs support? Hmm

I’m having doubts about his boundaries.

A few people have pounced on this but op added that he asked if she'd feel differently if he was happy with it or similar, which I'd take as a "are you unhappy or is your husband an arse and putting you down and making you fe like shit about yourself?" which might be "I think you're fit so let's fuck in the stationary cupboard" BUT I'd assume is quite ia perceptive qn to someone who doesn't appear to need to lose weight but appears unhappy

@applechips

Everything else in the marriage is good

Do you honestly think this is true - because yesterday you posted that you were lonely and wanted a friend. And I am not saying that married people shouldn’t have friends but I genuinely don’t think people who have good, happy marriages feel lonely.

And I think your friends have commented on your friendship because you are ripe for an emotional affair- if your friend is the decent sort then this won’t happen, but I think they are right to say be wary.

I tried to say this yesterday but my words were completely misunderstood by a different poster, anyway, I mean this kindly, but your new work friend isn’t the problem here, your marriage is…. And I think you know that and that is why you are posting on here (and there’s nothing wrong with that - it can be a really good support network to work through your feelings) .

I think you’re very intuitive and right with what you’ve said. My husband is invested in his career and is doing great. I used the last year to get back into mine and thankfully have been doing ok. My marriage is definitely a sore spot for me. I am lonely. I live away from my closest friends and immediate family. Now that I’m at work, I feel alive again. I feel I have another purpose other than just my home and children, whom I adore. This platform is great and I do need to address the inner demon. My friends are protective and pay a lot of attention to small detail.

@MsDogLady

*He then asked if my husband has a problem with my weight and if he was happy with my body, would I be happy.

Isla, I felt uncomfortable when I read this. To me, he crossed a line with that personal question. And when he asked, “what about men and how they’re feeling” when discussing his wife’s pregnancy, was he suggesting that he needs support? Hmm

I’m having doubts about his boundaries.

He did say that and mention that his wife had issues with her weight. I genuinely mentioned it lightly. I don’t think he has a bad intention and he’s not very talkative either or the type to share. I’m quite outgoing and talkative, which is probably why he felt he could ask openly. He did say “your car matches your personality BIG”. I don’t know whether that was a hit that I’m too forward or too out there/ too talkative but I definitely didn’t take it as a compliment and maybe need to reign it in a bit. I’m starting to feel like my friendliness is probably not in my favour.

It’s completely fine. I have male friends in work that have wife’s or partners etc and we meet up for food or a group of us for drinks. I also speak to them loads. If the wife finds it an issue then I’d gladly speak to her As nothing fishy going on from my side at all.

Of course I have done this! It's part of professional life to go for lunch with colleagues - male or female, single or married.

To think it odd seems to deny women an equal place in the workplace. I was the CEO in my place of work and did this with colleagues and contacts in other organisations. No one batted an eyelid.

Going out for lunch with a married man - totally fine during the working day. Chatting about Spouses normal too.

Some "friends" I've had came from the 1950s in attitudes : "my husband couldn't cope with a female boss".

However with regards to your marriage I'd strongly suggest you get some counselling with someone you can trust and be brutally honest with.

Oh OP, it sounds like you're having a really terrible time with your husband. Honestly, I think the friendship thing is a bit of a red herring. I don't see why you should be concerning yourself about potentially disrespecting your husband with this friendship when he has been so completely disrespectful to you.

FWIW, I think from your updates that your new friend could have dodgy intentions, although you sound very principled. I would read the thing about your car being big like your personality as him complimenting you, not as him saying you're too forward. Him talking about his wife's weight problems and this 'what about men' stuff sounds to me like he's put out that the attention isn't on him and his needs because of his wife's pregnancy, and he could be looking for attention elsewhere. I'm not necessarily saying he's intending to start an affair, but I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe I'm reading too much into it though.