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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

267 replies

Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:09

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 30/09/2021 21:45

Is it literally your lunch hour at work? I'd have no issue with that at all, but would be a bit less happy with a less spontaneous arrangement outside working hours

Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:46

@MissAmbrosia

I have lunch with male colleagues all the time. Most of my colleagues are male though to be fair. I don't tend to spontaneously ask them out for lunch outside of work however. And what's with the Ladies thing?
I was out doing a home visit near him and it was within working ours. Tbh, I was bored of not seeing anyone in the office because we all still work from home. He finished one of his home visits and met me for an hour. We don’t talk out of normal hours and we don’t have each other’s personal phone numbers.
OP posts:
Anothernick · 30/09/2021 21:46

Absolutely fine, its 2021 not 1921, lunch with a colleague should not be an issue. It's pretty controlling for a partner to get upset about that. Suggests massive trust issues.

Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:47

@GreyhoundG1rl

Is it literally your lunch hour at work? I'd have no issue with that at all, but would be a bit less happy with a less spontaneous arrangement outside working hours
Oh no no, we’ve never met outside of work or even talk outside of work.
OP posts:
Pallisers · 30/09/2021 21:48

I have male friends and would have lunch with them. I am particularly close to one man whom I worked with for years. He and I would often have lunch and over the years we socialised as couples too and I now often meet his wife for coffee etc as we also have a lot in common.

But I never hid it from DH. You are concealing this from yours. Added to that the reason you are hiding it is because he isn't allowed to have lunch with women because he has form for adultery ... I think this one could go wrong.

Garriet · 30/09/2021 21:50

My husband is friends with a female colleague around his age. She’s also married and we’ve also now socialised as couples but their friendship started through going to lunch at work. I like her and her husband and I’m glad my husband has the friendship as he’s quite socially anxious and doesn’t make friends easily.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/09/2021 21:51

@Anothernick

Absolutely fine, its 2021 not 1921, lunch with a colleague should not be an issue. It's pretty controlling for a partner to get upset about that. Suggests massive trust issues.
Well quite. I'm quite bemused that in 2021 someone feels the need to join MN to ask the "ladies" to confirm that Miss Manners finds it acceptable for colleagues to lunch together.
JamieNorthlife · 30/09/2021 21:52

This is very normal specially if you started work at same time and attended induction together.

Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:52

@GreenClock

Nothing wrong with coupled-up people having lunch with a colleague. But if my close friends (whose views I respect) expressed concern about something I was doing, whatever it was, I’d wonder why. These people know you very well. Have they picked up on a vibe of some kind?
And that’s exactly why I panicked and thought I’d speak to others and see whether people generally share differing views. They don’t like his questions about my spouse mostly and the chit chat on teams. It’s not every single day nor is it all day.
OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/09/2021 21:52

@NotaCoolMum

I personally would find it inappropriate and I know my DP would as well. Does your DH know? Does your friends DW know? If not- then definitely inappropriate.
seriously? In what way is this wrong?

Of course it's fine to have lunch with a married man. This isn't the 1930s.

Anothernick · 30/09/2021 21:52

Yes just read further down the thread, this is not OK if it's a secret, your DH should be aware. I would mention it to my DW if I had lunch with someone and I would expect her to do the same, though this would simply be informative, I would not question her and would not expect her to question me.

Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:55

@ReeseWitherfork

The plot thickens. Lying isn't great. Sounds a bit like game playing now OP, I'm afraid.
It’s for others to understand and I know it doesn’t sound right but I’ve gone through a lot with my DH’s cheating. I will tell my husband as soon as he’s home that I’ve spontaneously asked a colleague out for lunch. The last thing I want is to seem shady.
OP posts:
Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:57

Also everyone, apologies for addressing this post with “Ladies”. I forgot that I’m not interacting with my friends in our WhatsApp group 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Catullus5 · 30/09/2021 21:58

I wouldn't mind at all if my DW went for lunch with a male friend. I wouldn't even expect her to tell me she was going. I don't expect or want to know the details of her friendships with men either.

I do expect her to manage her own boundaries and I expect to be able to trust her.

If she wanted to have an affair then she'd be able to hide it even if I was a lot less trusting so I don't see the point in being so.

DW is the same with regards to my female friends.

leavesthataregreen · 30/09/2021 21:59

Depends what for. I have a couple of old friends I've known for decades, both married, who I happily catch up with for lunch once or twice a year. there is nothing at all romantic in it, we just get on.

lndnbrdge91 · 30/09/2021 22:03

If it's a problem, you will know. Dig deep...but be honest with yourself. Of course it is ok to meet this man for lunch as friends. But if you are attracted to him then it's less appropriate.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 30/09/2021 22:03

I click well with guys more than girls

I'd have thought nothing of it were it not for this phrase and others from the OP .

Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 22:04

@OverTheRubicon

Do you ask female colleagues loads of questions about their husbands over lunch? I'd suspect you don't, because it would be intrusive and a bit rude.

However you might if you were romantically interested and trying to simultaneously find out more about her private life and get her to drop her guard about your intentions.

Can a married woman and a colleague have lunch together? Absolutely. But he's dodgy, and I strongly suspect you know it and are enjoying the connection/attention, whether or not you'll acknowledge it to yourself.

He's got a pregnant wife, and you need to back off.

Woah - I’m not interested in him at all!! I’m a people’s person and love socialising and connecting to others. That’s it. Nothing more to it. What I’ve gotten paranoid about is misleading someone else and getting into a pickle but after reading the majority’s remarks, I think it’s fair to say that I’m right in being casual and I’ll definitely not suggest it in future.
OP posts:
Finknottlesnewt · 30/09/2021 22:05

@ReeseWitherfork

As long as both your spouses know then why on earth not. Wouldn't question it if DH went for lunch with a married coworker.
Strange... why would I tell my spouse if I had lunch with a man. Married or otherwise. ? I don't tell him if I had lunch with a female colleague.

That sounds like me asking permission !

2 important things for me in this discussion.

  1. If my DH wanted to dictate who he thought it appropriate for me to lunch with - he wouldn't be my DH.
  1. If you can't trust your spouse to have lunch with someone of the opposite sex without considering if they might get into each other's pants .. then your relationship is shit. Knocking on the head !
Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 22:07

@lndnbrdge91

If it's a problem, you will know. Dig deep...but be honest with yourself. Of course it is ok to meet this man for lunch as friends. But if you are attracted to him then it's less appropriate.
I’m not attracted to him, I’m just very lonely and need a friend :( I have another colleague who I like too and started 6 months before me. We’re like a bit of a trio but we all work from home. It’s nice to have some interaction and be able to talk about work and life.
OP posts:
Stuckhere2021 · 30/09/2021 22:08

I click well with guys more than girls.

I’m wary of women who say this - we are not one homogeneous group, nor are males. Why do you think this might be OP? This statement says a lot about you.

Without that statement I’d have said it’s fine but that and you not mentioning it DH (for whatever reason) make it less so.

Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 22:08

Mine hasn’t ever asked because he knows I’m sure of my boundaries and wouldn’t want to cheat. I’d rather walk out the door if I ever got to that stage.

OP posts:
ShaneTheThird · 30/09/2021 22:09

I totally get where your coming from op with the double standards. I get it. But it could have the potential to cause a big fight if someone sees you and work mate together on more than one occasion and goes to your husband and they put 2 and 2 together and make 5. And also if his wife doesn't know that's shady on his behalf but nothing to do with you so really it's not wrong to go to lunch in work hours with a male colleague, and it's understandable why you wouldn't want to tell H and it's your choice, just be prepared for anyone being spiteful.

Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 22:10

@Stuckhere2021

I click well with guys more than girls.

I’m wary of women who say this - we are not one homogeneous group, nor are males. Why do you think this might be OP? This statement says a lot about you.

Without that statement I’d have said it’s fine but that and you not mentioning it DH (for whatever reason) make it less so.

Maybe it’s wrong to say but unintentionally I find myself drawn more to the opposite sex when it comes deep conversations and banter.
OP posts:
Spindrifting · 30/09/2021 22:10

A couple of my closest friends are men I used to work with in firmer jobs. We have lunch or dinner or go to a film or a play. In twenty years plus, no one has ripped anyone’s clothes off.

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