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Original poster

Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

267 replies

Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:09

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

OP posts:
Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 22:11

@ShaneTheThird

I totally get where your coming from op with the double standards. I get it. But it could have the potential to cause a big fight if someone sees you and work mate together on more than one occasion and goes to your husband and they put 2 and 2 together and make 5. And also if his wife doesn't know that's shady on his behalf but nothing to do with you so really it's not wrong to go to lunch in work hours with a male colleague, and it's understandable why you wouldn't want to tell H and it's your choice, just be prepared for anyone being spiteful.
Thank you for your honesty. I plan to tell DH and I know it wouldn’t phase him.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 22:13

Pre Covid I did this all the time, and have done foe twenty odd years, I work in a male dominated environment. It never remotely occurs to me because they are male there’s some weird law I can’t socialise with them one on one

What is this the 50s?

Tinpotspectator · 30/09/2021 22:15

There's no problem with it as long as you have no problem telling your husband.

TractorAndHeadphones · 30/09/2021 22:15

OP it really depends on context. If I was at work and knew one of my colleagues was around I'd definitely ask them out for lunch. Similarly I've also travelled just to see male friends no issue. I have friends of both sexes and form for going to meet up with random people :)
DP however is shy, has had the same 5 close friends for years. He has female friends etc but not close. If he suddenly decided to have lunch with a female colleague I'd be very suspicious.

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 22:16

Like a pp, I hate it when women say "I click better with men".

But that's by the by.

I've been for lunch with male colleagues, although...maybe not one on one now that you mention it. I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se, but you needing a friend and seeking out a man to have that friendship with because of the deep conversations you only enjoy having with men (and not women)...all in all, are you sure it's friendship you want? Genuine question. I know a lot of women who have been cheated on and it can of course make them want to find a good man, having been disappointed. And I wouldn't even blame you for feeling that way, but don't lie to yourself and leave re married ones out of it maybe? If you need a good friend for deep conversation, and that needs to be a man, then maybe go for an unmarried one?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/09/2021 22:17

@GreenClock

Nothing wrong with coupled-up people having lunch with a colleague. But if my close friends (whose views I respect) expressed concern about something I was doing, whatever it was, I’d wonder why. These people know you very well. Have they picked up on a vibe of some kind?
Yeah this. If it's not a 'thing' and you don't view him any differently to your other colleagues you're friendly with, how did it come up as a topic of conversation and then a debate / your friends telling you it's inappropriate?
TractorAndHeadphones · 30/09/2021 22:17

Also to add though - maybe your friends can see something you can't.
I had a crush on a male colleague who soon became a boyfriend but I was the last person to realise! Everyone else could tell.
who knows

TheVolturi · 30/09/2021 22:17

What the hell is wrong with calling us ladies? Are we not, like probably 95% ladies?

fidgetmad · 30/09/2021 22:17

@Isla248

Personally, I don’t really ask anything about his family life or wife. We talked about pregnancy and delivery because his wife is due. He has on more than one occasion brought up my husband, what his job is, and when we talk about a random subject he has asked whether my husband would want that too. That’s the only part my has irked my friends I think. Other than that, this guy is super chilled.
Overall I think it's fine. Im a single woman but am friends/colleagues with married men and occasionally go for lunch with them (in this same way I do with female friends/colleagues).

Im confused why it would be weird for you to ask about his wife or him to ask about your husband? Surely if it's 100% platonic you'd act the same as you would with female friends? And if you'd just met a new female friend through work you'd mention each other's DHs, ask what they do for a living etc?

I'd find it really weird if you avoided talking about his wife or didn't want him talking about your DH?

VinylQueen · 30/09/2021 22:18

With all your updates it sounds dodgy, sorry.

You click better with men (why? Why not on a person by person basis?)

You haven't told your husband about this.

You've discussed your spouses - sounding the relationships out

You've messaged 'banter'

You came on here to check.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/09/2021 22:18

They don’t like his questions about my spouse mostly and the chit chat on teams.

But you must have volunteered this information to them, so told them specifically you've met up with a male colleague (I can't imagine that being interesting enough to mention to my friends in passing) and then recounted the conversations with them for them to know that level of detail - that he asks lots of questions about your DH etc.

BoredZelda · 30/09/2021 22:20

I work in construction, the vast majority of my colleagues, clients, contractors I work with are men. It would be really weird if I could never have lunch with any of them just because they (and I) am married.

MissTrip82 · 30/09/2021 22:21

I click better with men. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

This phrase absolutely drips with misogyny. I guess you’re ‘not like other girls’?

You’ve got way more to work on than whether or not to have lunch with some bloke.

saraclara · 30/09/2021 22:21

we are not one homogeneous group, nor are males.

I totally agree. It's not a popular opinion on MN though.

Timeisavirtue · 30/09/2021 22:22

Wouldn’t bother me! As long as there’s no feelings and it’s totally platonic it’s fine. DP often goes out with his bf who is a woman and his boss and I with some male collegues. It’s about trust. Those that have a problem dont 100 % trust thier partners, why else would you have a problem..... not all men and women have to be shagging to hang out 🤷🏼‍♀️

BrilliantBetty · 30/09/2021 22:22

Nah I don't think it sounds completely fine. Honestly. I'm not really a fan of socialising unnecessarily with colleagues anyway.

This could cause more problems than it's worth.

Catullus5 · 30/09/2021 22:22

@EmbarrassingAdmissions

I click well with guys more than girls

I'd have thought nothing of it were it not for this phrase and others from the OP .

I don't see the significance of this at all. In fact I think it's entirely normal.

I think that in part it's because there is no expectation of what conversation should be about whereas among groups that are solely male or solely female there is.

Squeakycatflap · 30/09/2021 22:23

It is acceptable but only if accompanied by an old spinster wearing pointy shin-kickers and holding a gnarly beating stick. Enjoy!

Timeisavirtue · 30/09/2021 22:23

@MissTrip82

I click better with men. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

This phrase absolutely drips with misogyny. I guess you’re ‘not like other girls’?

You’ve got way more to work on than whether or not to have lunch with some bloke.

I ‘click better with men’ too... always have.... maybe it’s b3cause of bitchy comments like this that men are more fun to be around....
TractorAndHeadphones · 30/09/2021 22:24

@ScumbagDave

Like a pp, I hate it when women say "I click better with men".

But that's by the by.

I've been for lunch with male colleagues, although...maybe not one on one now that you mention it. I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se, but you needing a friend and seeking out a man to have that friendship with because of the deep conversations you only enjoy having with men (and not women)...all in all, are you sure it's friendship you want? Genuine question. I know a lot of women who have been cheated on and it can of course make them want to find a good man, having been disappointed. And I wouldn't even blame you for feeling that way, but don't lie to yourself and leave re married ones out of it maybe? If you need a good friend for deep conversation, and that needs to be a man, then maybe go for an unmarried one?

There are a lot of reasons women genuinely click 'better with men'. Either they have commonly male interests or they don't fit in with the women around them.

Anyway if OP needs the emotional validation an unmarried man is probably worse. If married then there's a cast iron (if you're honourable) reason to keep at arm's length.

Polmuggle · 30/09/2021 22:24

I've just been out drinking with my married male colleague. Somehow I managed not to sleep with him Hmm

Veryverycalmnow · 30/09/2021 22:25

Men and women can be friends. If they get married it doesn't mean they can't have friends!

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 22:27

Meh, I think the bitchiest people I know are men. People do love to generalise about women being bitchy, and it does come from a place of misogyny (internalised or otherwise).

But putting that conversation aside, I think the issue is that op, who has been cheated on by a man, is seeking out a male friend to have deep conversations with, really needing a friend at the moment...I just think she might be kidding herself. I can't blame her. Wanting to check you're still attractive to men, still liked by men, that men out there are not all bad...makes sense! But think she probably isn't doing herself any favours.

Hillary17 · 30/09/2021 22:28

If it’s friendship and that’s all it is, sure. I regularly have lunch with male friends, my husband doesn’t bat an eyelid. We trust each other and had friendships before we married that are valuable to us individually.

Hawkins001 · 30/09/2021 22:28

I chat with a good lady friend usually once a week catch up, I try to be supportive and ask how her week is ect, not sure what others would make of the messages, but my perspectives are that it's just good friends, although we do usually put a x at the end, but other than that there's no flriting