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Original poster

Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

267 replies

Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:09

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

OP posts:
Catullus5 · 30/09/2021 23:26

Scumbagdave

By explaining an aspect of people's behaviour as internalised misogyny and speculating about the OP's motives I don't think you're in a position to criticise others.

I just don't think that your preferred longhand description is necessary. I agree that it's a bit of a derail, but you raised it.

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 23:27

As has been said though, I think it's the context.

My best friend is a man. Of course I have lunch, dinner, drinks etc with him. All totally fine.

But I think in the context op may be, even subconsciously, possibly looking from reassurance which needs to come from a man. She has said herself she needs a friend and that she has deeper conversations with men. She has just been cheated on, so I really don't blame her, but I think the strong urge to build a bond with a man other than her DH (and it must be a man), strikes me as a potentially off.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 30/09/2021 23:27

I think it's probably fine as an occasional thing, especially if your spouse knows the person but I would not like it to be on a regular basis.

I have some male friends; old college friends and work friends who I would have a drink or dinner with if they are in town and DH would be fine with it. He has some female friends who I am also fine for him to do the same with. In all cases I'd be happy to have him come along but he wouldn't want to because it's likely going to be boring talk about old times or work stuff that doesn't interest him.

Where I would not be so OK with it and would ask him to stop would be if it was the same person very regularly and it was a deepening, sharing confidences kind of friendship. That is not something a married person should have with a member of the opposite sex I think as far too much potential to blur boundaries and cross a line.

Original poster
Isla248 · 30/09/2021 23:28

Update - so I’ve told DH about the lunches and he wasn’t troubled at all and in fact, confused at the point of even mentioning. Hence - why I never brought it up, or felt the need to discuss.

The reason my friends and I talked about this, is because one of my friends spouse is close to his Female manager at work and bought their son a gift for his birthday. It spiralled into a debate and I had to mention that I don’t see a problem in it. That’s all. I don’t want to lean on anyone .

OP posts:
Happymum12345 · 30/09/2021 23:31

No. I don’t think it’s okay. The fact that you’re even asking the question says enough.

CayrolBaaaskin · 30/09/2021 23:32

People do realize some people are gay, right? So if you can only meet same sex people what happens if you’re gay?

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 23:32

@Catullus5

I have clearly said I would rather not talk to you again, so could you kindly stop posting at me please Smile? Fwiw though, I didn't bring it up, I agreed with another poster...and then someone agreed with me and someone said that sort of bitchiness is why I don't like other women and it went from there. It's all there if you'd care to read back, but you won't get another response from me.

Hope that's clear enough for you now? Goodbye.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/09/2021 23:34

@CayrolBaaaskin

People do realize some people are gay, right? So if you can only meet same sex people what happens if you’re gay?
I'm bi so I guess I'm not allowed friends at all now I'm in a relationship!
OverTheRubicon · 30/09/2021 23:42

@Dfhugdhvdnjrs

How bizarre - is this the Handmaids Tale? How on earth could this be considered unacceptable? Something definitely wrong if people cannot go out for lunch, dinner, drinks or whatever. Entirely normal adult behaviour.
Of course people can go out for lunch. I regularly have lunch with married male colleagues, because in my industry if you only lunched with women you'd have a very small social circle.

But if you read all the OP's posts, this particular duo has the start of something more written all over it.

Catullus5 · 30/09/2021 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

UpshittsCreek · 30/09/2021 23:47

I think it's fine. Both me and my DH have done similar. We would casually mention it when talking about our day "X was telling me about this new series over lunch today blah blah blah", that kind of thing. I'd probably be annoyed if he purposely didn't tell me as id think there was something more to it.
You say you don't contact each other outside of work or have each others personal numbers, that's pretty innocent so if you are worried I'd try keep that boundary for yourself.
Maybe he keeps asking about your husband because he is trying to make it clear that he knows you are in a committed relationship and doesn't want you to get the wrong idea of him. If he is a shy person it may be his very clumsy way of making that point

ScumbagDave · 30/09/2021 23:54

You accused another poster of being a "racist cunt" by circumlocution.

Can you show me where I said "racist cunt" please? You took the trouble to put it in quote marks and everything, so I'm sure you saw it written verbatim.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 30/09/2021 23:55

I think it's very naive of people to think opposite sex friendships can never be a problem though.

I have had more than one married male friend make a pass at me. In both cases old friends who popped up again after years, had a fairly pleasant dinner including talk about spouses and kids, offered to walk me back to my hotel and then a clumsy attempt at a snog out of the blue. Probably having mid life crises. I was upset that they obviously thought I was open to cheating. Rebuffed them, told DH and never saw them again. DH also had one female friend declare her undying love for him unexpectedly at the start of our relationship when he had thought it was just friends.

It hasn't put me off entirely and I have other male friends who I know it's never going to be an issue with but it does make me a bit wary and I only do lunch/ coffee meet ups now unless it's someone I 100% trust.

I also know a woman whose husband started helping out a younger lady at work with some house renovations at weekends because he felt sorry for her, told his wife it's just kindness, nothing to worry about etc etc and then before you know it he's gone off with her.

It does happen and there's no point pretending that it doesn't.

debbieupper9 · 30/09/2021 23:55

@ScumbagDave

There are real differences in how men and women socialise so I really don't see why is strange that someone should prefer the company of the opposite gender.

Argh last time I respond to your nonsense, but I never said it was strange to prefer the company of men. I said I hate it when people make a sweeping statement about clicking better with men. I also said that when people use the classic "women are so bitchy" it comes from a place of misogyny, internalised or otherwise.

Hope that clarifies. Now, if you don't mind as a non English woman, we probably won't click so... Byeeeee! Toodlepip old bean. Tata for now.

Totally agree with you re the misogyny
Onthedunes · 30/09/2021 23:57

Op has mentionitis.

She is justifying this friendship by stating she prefers male company.

She fancies the pants off him.

She has herself innitiated contact between them, her friend knows she's up for it so is fishing to see if her husband is bigger/more pwerful than him, if the shit hits the fan.

Op wishes to get husband back for previous affairs he's commited.

Or they could just be having lunch.

mrsm43s · 30/09/2021 23:58

As a married woman, I wouldn't think twice about lunching with a man (married or otherwise), and I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my DH lunched with a woman (married or otherwise). It only becomes a problem if you don't trust your partner (or yourself), and that is a deeper, but separate problem.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 01/10/2021 00:05

I also have one married male friend who I only ever meet with his wife (and usually kids). I would quite like to see him on his own sometimes because he is in my field of work and I'd like to pick his brains about stuff and have a technical conversation that feels rude to have with his wife there as it excludes her. I like her but she is very chatty and it's usually more me and her talking when we are all together and I would sometimes just like to talk to my friend. I have occasionally suggested lunch or an after work coffee to him as we work nearby and he has always politely said no to the extent that I know not to ask now. I think that is probably their agreed boundary and I think (hope) it's not just for me (although I am technically an old flame but a very very long time ago and zero feelings now). I find it a bit of a shame as my intentions are honourable but I respect that. It might also be a religious thing as they are Muslim but pretty secular.

TableFlowerss · 01/10/2021 00:17

As a married couple - we would find it inappropriate

Catullus5 · 01/10/2021 00:20

@ScumbagDave

You accused another poster of being a "racist cunt" by circumlocution.

Can you show me where I said "racist cunt" please? You took the trouble to put it in quote marks and everything, so I'm sure you saw it written verbatim.

I misquoted you. It was "prejudiced cunt".

Let's leave this here. We've both made our point. [offers virtual beverage]

Onthedunes · 01/10/2021 00:22

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

I think you answered your own question there.

TableFlowerss · 01/10/2021 00:22

@mrsm43s

As a married woman, I wouldn't think twice about lunching with a man (married or otherwise), and I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my DH lunched with a woman (married or otherwise). It only becomes a problem if you don't trust your partner (or yourself), and that is a deeper, but separate problem.
I can assure you I trust my partner and he trusts me, but we have a mural respect for each other so we wouldn’t actively firm relationships outside of work with other married people of the opposite sex.

We both view it as disrespectful as what can married Johnny at work offer me that my other friends can’t?….. I don’t an emotional connection to another married man as I’ve got my DH

TableFlowerss · 01/10/2021 00:26

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

I think it's very naive of people to think opposite sex friendships can never be a problem though.

I have had more than one married male friend make a pass at me. In both cases old friends who popped up again after years, had a fairly pleasant dinner including talk about spouses and kids, offered to walk me back to my hotel and then a clumsy attempt at a snog out of the blue. Probably having mid life crises. I was upset that they obviously thought I was open to cheating. Rebuffed them, told DH and never saw them again. DH also had one female friend declare her undying love for him unexpectedly at the start of our relationship when he had thought it was just friends.

It hasn't put me off entirely and I have other male friends who I know it's never going to be an issue with but it does make me a bit wary and I only do lunch/ coffee meet ups now unless it's someone I 100% trust.

I also know a woman whose husband started helping out a younger lady at work with some house renovations at weekends because he felt sorry for her, told his wife it's just kindness, nothing to worry about etc etc and then before you know it he's gone off with her.

It does happen and there's no point pretending that it doesn't.

This with bells on!!

It so often ends in more than friendship because one person starts relying on the other one emotionally. So that why it’s easier not to put yourself in the situation in the first place

Bortles · 01/10/2021 00:34

A lot of married women overestimate their husband's attractiveness and underestimate other women's standards, self control and ability to be a normal non-sex-mad conversationalist. Have seen the daggers shot at my single DM over the years for daring to talk to Philip or Nigel about his fucking dahlias or something else mundane. It's pathetic that people have such little trust in each other and such a sense of ownership of the other person.
If there's unease that's been sown in your mind now, op, just do the old heavy-handed name dropping of your husband from time to time in a positive way in the conversations with your new acquaintance.

worriedatthemoment · 01/10/2021 01:04

I go out for meal with an ex make colleague and my dh is fine as he trusts me
Also my ex colleague is a friend now , we have no feelings , just worked together for 9'years and are friends
My dh went out for lunch with a male colleague and a female one the other day they are all part of the same team so why not ? I was aware he was going and again trust him

Snugglybuggly · 01/10/2021 01:13

There's obviously something going on