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Original poster

Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

267 replies

Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:09

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

OP posts:
BookFiend4Life · 01/10/2021 04:17

I would have felt completely threatened by this when I was pregnant and still wouldn't be happy with it now if it was my husband.

1forAll74 · 01/10/2021 04:45

I think it's fine, but these days, it seems to be an issue with lots of younger women, when they hear about a situation such as yours. It is perfectly ok to speak, and socialise with another man, who is not your husband, There are all sorts of situations when this can happen.

starrynight21 · 01/10/2021 05:04

We talked about pregnancy and delivery because his wife is due

So his wife is due to have a baby , and (probably) doesn't know about these lunches. And your DH doesn't know about these lunches either. The whole thing sounds dodgy to me.

MsDogLady · 01/10/2021 07:18

You are a gregarious person who is very lonely and vulnerable due to your H’s infidelity and your wfh. You and your colleague have been building a connection via training together, frequent chatting, and 2 lunches out. You value and enjoy your discussions about work and life.

Your colleague instigated the initial chat. He has been quite inquisitive about your H, even asking what H would want in certain situations, which does suggest that he is making comparisons. You, however, have not inquired about his W at all on a personal level.

You are vulnerable and he may also be, as his life is changing with the pregnancy and impending birth. Of concern is that one or both of you are at risk for moving into an emotional reliance mode or a pursuit of ego validation.

I am wondering why, during all of your chats, you have avoided asking your friend even a single question about his W or family life?

I am also wondering if your H has been remorseful and proactive in restoring your security and trust. Does he understand or care about how lonely you are?

TheReluctantPhoenix · 01/10/2021 07:24

I think it is fine as long as it is overt and not secretive.

It starts to become an issue if you are with several colleagues and elect to meet alone with him and not invite others, when you go to cafes/restaurants where you hope you won’t be seen, and whenever you conceal your meetings from your husband or co-workers.

If none of the above is the case, and it feels the same as going out with a female colleague, it is absolutely fine.

The only red flag is you saying ‘we connected’. Would you say that about a female colleague?

layladomino · 01/10/2021 07:33

In response to your initial question, I believe context is everything:

Go out with colleague you find a bit attractive / find reasons to spend time together / make extra effort to look nice when you go / don't tell your OH - bad

Go out with colleague who you aren't remotely attracted to / happy to tell OH just as you would if going out with a female friend - no problem

fidgetmad · 01/10/2021 08:17

Genuine question - why do people thinking talking about spouses makes it more of an issue?

I'd honestly say the opposite and I frequently go for lunch with male friends/colleagues (as I do with females).

I always make a point about asking about their spouse and family? Mainly cos they're a friend and I'm interested in their lives but surely it acknowledging they're married and showing an interest makes it less threatening?

Obviously if they were moaning/bitching I would be uncomfortable?

I was out with a male colleague for lunch a couple of weeks ago....a few days before that he mentioned he was finishing early to take his wife for dinner. So when we went got lunch I asked if Mrs X had had a nice birthday, where they went for dinner, how she was keeping (I'm aware of previous health complaints but nothing serious). I also asked how his boys were doing and enjoying being back at school etc.

Is this not normal/non-threatening?

Lalliella · 01/10/2021 08:37

So you shouldn’t go out for lunch with half of the population? Fuck that! I go out for lunch with whoever I want to and my husband is fine with that. He can go out with whoever he wants to too. Because guess what - we trust each other.

Outbutnotoutout · 01/10/2021 08:39

I wouldn't like it, I one off mybe, but if it became a regular thing, no.

Why don't you invite a few other colleagues along as well make it more friends, rather than intimate dinner.

He has a pregnant wife, they will have probably stopped having sex or having less sex...then a new baby, less sleep, less sex, but hey he has you to offload on....and before you know it bang hotel booked.

frazzledasarock · 01/10/2021 08:41

You get on with men better than women.

Your colleagues have expressed concern about your lunches with this man.

If the meals are after work are they lunch or dinner?

You've not told your partner.

Your marriage is not in a great place as your H has a history of cheating.

Recipe for disaster really.

gogohm · 01/10/2021 08:43

As long as it's just friends I can't see a problem. I have male friends, sometimes we meet for food or a drink just like I would a female friend, no different

chestnutshell · 01/10/2021 09:39

I just can’t get my head around why it’s wrong. And those saying that wouldn’t want their spouse doing it - why? Don’t you trust them?

Where would that logic leave bisexual people? Most of the gay and lesbian friends I have have a circle of other gay and lesbian friends - do they stop seeing them one on one after getting into a relationship?

This single sex only friendships is weirdly heteronormative to me, and ultimately must be harmful if the opposite sex is like a forbidden fruit. Not to mention how harmful it must be to women in the workplace who are trying to network, especially when in a male dominated industry. Couldn’t be fucked constantly worrying if my spouse was clutching his pearls about it.

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 09:44

@ReeseWitherfork

The plot thickens. Lying isn't great. Sounds a bit like game playing now OP, I'm afraid.
Having an opposite sex friend is game playing, but only if your partner has had an affair?
TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 09:47

There's nothing wrong with having friends of either gender. If it feels wrong to a partner or spouse, there's another problem to be investigated in the relationship: distrust.

Washeduponthebeach · 01/10/2021 09:50

Of course there’s nothing wrong with it! I do think both of you need to make sure your partners know though.

chestnutshell · 01/10/2021 09:51

Someone said upthread about her spouse being the only man she needs to meet all her needs and see this is weird to me. I love my partner with all my heart and he meets many needs but how can it be all? That’s way too much responsibility on one person. For example, I adore tennis and he just isn’t interested, but I have a male friend who is also a massive fan so I will attend Wimbledon with him and we’ll have a great time. I don’t have any female friends interested. Should I be making more of an effort to find a woman to go with?

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 09:57

@chestnutshell

Where would that logic leave bisexual people? Most of the gay and lesbian friends I have have a circle of other gay and lesbian friends - do they stop seeing them one on one after getting into a relationship

That's a very good point. A gay woman would only be able to be friends with men. But only gay ones Smile

I suppose the 'straight men and women can't just be friends' is based on the assumption that there must be sexual attraction, which is similar to the common misunderstanding of introducing two gay people, and assuming they'll pair up just because they share their sexuality.

The plain fact is, most people don't fancy most people. It's much more common to bond as a friend to somebody than as a sexual partner.

ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 09:57

Again, I don't think it's wrong in general for men and women to have lunch and friendship.

But in the context, I honestly think this is potentially something else. It's been said throughout the thread the reasons why I and others think that. I don't think anyone has clutched their pearls, said it is like Handmaid's Tale and therefore forbidden, that men and women can't go for lunch without ending up in bed...or any of the other hyperbolic interpretations of what's been said on here.

As I said, my best friend is a man and I'm married to a(nother) man. There is no jealousy or mistrust there, because my DH hasn't just cheated on me, so I'm understandably hurt and angry, I haven't said I need a friend, who I'd rather was a man, that I'm lonely and only connect with guys because of the deep conversations and banter I get with them, that I can't get from women, that I've specifically connected with this guy I've just met, who is about to go through a major change in his relationship too.

Not to say it isn't perfectly innocent at all, but it puts a slightly different spin on it and I do wonder what op really wants from the friendship. Why they don't invite other colleagues to come with them etc.

Also, the fact that a third, disinterested party, has expressed concern about it.

Not the same as my friend and me you see, or like any of the many other people having lunch with a make colleague "for networking". It isn't networking when you "need a friend", "connected with this guy" and when you seek out only men to "network" with, out of preference rather than career advance.

Frogsandsheep · 01/10/2021 10:03

I regularly have lunch with my male colleagues, sometimes as a group but sometimes just with 1 of them. We are often out and about working together so it is both pleasant and convenient to eat together.

All of my colleagues are male except one and over the years we have become friends.

It’s a complete non issue but we also know each other’s spouses, sometimes socialise with each other’s families and all get on well.

idontlikealdi · 01/10/2021 10:05

I am married and used to have lunch with male married colleagues all the time pre covid. I am in a very male dominated industry so if I didn't I'd be having a lot of lunches alone.

goawayalcg · 01/10/2021 10:05

I had no idea anyone would have an issue with this. I work in a male-dominated industry and would never have lunch with anyone if not with male colleagues. And why can't I have a glass of wine at the same time? So ridiculous.

goawayalcg · 01/10/2021 10:07

And actually my DH works in a more female-dominated industry and I hope he has lunch with his colleagues from time to time. No need to tell me about it.

idontlikealdi · 01/10/2021 10:07

@goawayalcg

I had no idea anyone would have an issue with this. I work in a male-dominated industry and would never have lunch with anyone if not with male colleagues. And why can't I have a glass of wine at the same time? So ridiculous.
Snap!
goawayalcg · 01/10/2021 10:08

@idontlikealdi worried after reading this thread! Grin

MatildaIThink · 01/10/2021 10:09

Yes, nothing wrong with having lunch with friends, regardless of their sex. There might be an issue if one tries to turn it into a date when it isn't but that would be the same with any friendship and someone overstepping boundaries.