Can't even bloody buy a man's affection anymore

[Hummmph]

Just that, really.

I appear to be unable to pull at the grand old age of 35. I am highly successful in my job. I am active. Overweight, but I have a pretty face. Two adorable children. Skills and hobbies out of my ears. I volunteer.

And yet, every relationship I've ever had has been at best neglectful (I once counted 4 full weeks without him contacting me at all before breaking it off) and at worst phsically, emotionally and sexually abusive.

I have no friends due to many house moves and an early pregnancy.

So I decided, enough with trying to have a relationship. Let's have some fun and book someone for a bit of physical attention (NOT sex, just massages/ cuddles, because I'm lonely as fuck). Nice guy, a few messages back and forth. And now the booked job got changed for (I assume) somewhere more lucrative as I only wanted a couple of hours and not a whole night.

Bloody hell. If that wasn't a kick in the teeth I don't know what was. So I can't naturally pull a nice one and I can't even pay for someone to pretend I'm worth something for an evening. No real solution wanted, just sounding off.

Hugging and spending 2 hours talking to someone is an intimate thing. But he'll have to do it cos he was paid? It's not okay to buy anyone's mind and soul, just like it's not okay to buy someone's body.

I think we have a different definition of what intimate means.
It's not intimate for me to go, get (near) naked to get a massage. It's not intimate to go and see a counsellor and tell them about my deepest struggles (let alone 'having a chat'!).
Intimate has a much more profound meaning tbh.

On the other side, we are buying people's body (your description of a body - in that case touch and an ear to vaguely listen) on a regular basis. Again see the massage therapist or the counsellor. biut there are many other profession where we buy a service and we are basically paying 'people's body' for them to do that job.....

I believe that your issue isn't there. Your issue is to use an escort and all the associations you are doing with that word.

[quote TintinIsBack]@Hummmph

I belive that what you are describing is actually pretty normal. Humans need touch to thrive. You just have to look at the effect of a hug on the brain and neurotransmitters. Or the reaction of some elderly when they receive a hand massage - (often they burst into tears because it's the first time someone has touched them for months or years). Or the effect on newborn babies.

Before Covid (I suspoet this has stopped now), there was a group meeting up every week just for that - giving each other a hug. You're not the only who is desperate for touch.

And yes we often get that through our relationhsip, sex, ONS, regular partners, and simply receiving & giving a hug to a close relative/friend. Clearly too, this is something some people have never experienced - the lack of touch and how soul destroying it is.

I personally believe that when you are single, finding ways to get some touch is important. From having a massage or a facial to nurturing those friendship with people who are a bit mote 'touchy feely'.
I am not sure what the answer is after. And whether there is an answer as such.
[/quote]
@TintinIsBack

It's such a good point about the necessity of touch ...I'm currently pregnant - solo parent by choice using a sperm donor - so haven't been engaging in the dating/casual arrangements. It can be really soul destroying not to be touched for extended periods of time; I've been experienced it this year...and I also agree that we can get that need fulfilled through our various relationships (be it ONS/partners/romantic relationships).

I will have to find a way to make space for this element in my life after the baby is born/and I'm settled into motherhood, I'm not sure how/where etc but I do know it is essential for my well-being. Being open minded and feeling comfortable in how you go about getting this helps I think. I certainly don't think waiting for a romantic relationship to deliver this is good either....

@TintinIsBack

Hugging and spending 2 hours talking to someone is an intimate thing. But he'll have to do it cos he was paid? It's not okay to buy anyone's mind and soul, just like it's not okay to buy someone's body.

I think we have a different definition of what intimate means.
It's not intimate for me to go, get (near) naked to get a massage. It's not intimate to go and see a counsellor and tell them about my deepest struggles (let alone 'having a chat'!).
Intimate has a much more profound meaning tbh.

On the other side, we are buying people's body (your description of a body - in that case touch and an ear to vaguely listen) on a regular basis. Again see the massage therapist or the counsellor. biut there are many other profession where we buy a service and we are basically paying 'people's body' for them to do that job.....

I believe that your issue isn't there. Your issue is to use an escort and all the associations you are doing with that word.

I think we have a different definition of what intimate means. It's not intimate for me to go, get (near) naked to get a massage. It's not intimate to go and see a counsellor and tell them about my deepest struggles (let alone 'having a chat'!). Intimate has a much more profound meaning tbh.

Your first sentance is correct.
I find sex not particularly intimate for example, I have always been able to compartmentalise sex with feelings. I find kissing, touching etc far more intimate in terms of sexual contact.
I find getting naked for a massage and telling my therapist my deepest anything is incredibly intimate for me and as necessity I must feel comfortable in those environments to use those services.

Everyone is different.

I do agree that the issue is using a prostitute for the OP's lack of intimacy is an issue but PP have suggested great alternatives. That prostitution is wrong and harmful is also an issue.

But
1- the OP isn’t lacking intimacy (or at least HER definition of intimacy), she wants a hug
2- she doesn’t want to use a prostitute, aka she isn’t buying sex. She wants a hug. Anyone, could do that, nit just a prostitute really.

Alternatives that have been posted are mainly about finding someone to have sex with. This is not what the OP asked for and again is different from getting someone to touch you/giving you a hug.

I haven’t seen anyone saying ‘yep you can do this place/see that person and you will be able to get a hug’. Do you know of anywhere you can get that?

Ok so how about we jettison the use of the word "intimacy" because we'll end up arguing semantics over it.

Lets just use "hug"?

Yes she wants a hug, no she doesn't want to use a prostitute for sex.

She is using the services of someone who's job is to provide sex. This is a problem IMO, I and others have explained why.

She does not need to use a prostitute to serve this need for a hug.

Some PP have not read the mission brief and suggested finding someone to have sex with. Some posters have been colossally unhelpful IMO.

However, others have helpfully suggested alternative ways to find hugs without the need to date or have sex such as free hug groups/setting up a stand for same/joining dance groups etc etc.

OP could go online to find others in her position (some on this thread evidence that there are people stuggling with the same) and arrange to meet an online friend through that avenue.

Instead she wants to rent someone. Which apart from my aforementioned issues, I actually think would do the OP more harm than good for her because it's empty, she wants someone to care too I think.

There are no active hugging groups in my area.

Sadly I have no time for dance groups etc. It's not how my childcare works and it's not compatible with my job either.

If I could find someone who was nice and okay to just have a prolonged hug with and that's it that would be fine. The beauty about escort services is being able to negotiate those boundaries.

But it doesn't matter. I'll get used to being alone, eventually, it's not the first time. Guess it just felt so unfair I know so many people who have wronged me (abused in any way) and who have someone to hold them at night.

Why can't you meet someone through online talking (like MN) OP, why is it it has to be a prostitute?

@WhoIsPepeSilva have you contacted the OP to arrange contact so she can have a hug?
After all, it’s never an issue to and give a hug to someone you’ve only met on MN right?

People meet up all the time through online meetups, it's not that out there @TintinIsBack

You may as well as would I like to meet up with and personally fix all the people that pay for prostitutes for whatever reason... um no thanks.

Why is it up to me? If the OP wants hugs she can figure out a way to do that without relying on exploitation, she doesn't need me to do it for her.

Ridiculous.

Yah. No. I did have a lovely message from someone who has read this thread, but I am still trying hard to get someone to actually hug me irl. I mean, my children do, regularly, but we all know that it feels different. I am their protector and just need to feel the safety of having someone look after me. In the meantime, I have two weekend days in Oct lined up with two different colleagues. One is quite huggy (I had to comfort her a lot over recent months) and we're off doing a sporting activity where laughter is guaranteed, the other is a male colleague who is in the process of divorcing his wife and whom I have provided a listening ear to a few weeks prior when the shit really hit the fan between them. Even if I am unlikely to get what I'm looking for, it's not like I am sitting at home just looking through escort sites...

@Hummmph

Yah. No. I did have a lovely message from someone who has read this thread, but I am still trying hard to get someone to actually hug me irl. I mean, my children do, regularly, but we all know that it feels different. I am their protector and just need to feel the safety of having someone look after me. In the meantime, I have two weekend days in Oct lined up with two different colleagues. One is quite huggy (I had to comfort her a lot over recent months) and we're off doing a sporting activity where laughter is guaranteed, the other is a male colleague who is in the process of divorcing his wife and whom I have provided a listening ear to a few weeks prior when the shit really hit the fan between them. Even if I am unlikely to get what I'm looking for, it's not like I am sitting at home just looking through escort sites...

If I was your colleague I would be absolutely freaked out to discover that you were hoping for intimate hugs on our planned day out

Umm... I wasn't? But getting hugs through friendships etc. was being mentioned upthread. Both colleagues and I have hugged before; it's nothing new or creepy. I'm not talking about jumping into bed with either of them. Making the point I'm active about "getting out there".

Well there you go, opportunities to build hug related friendships! Good update OP.

Be wary of the divorcing colleague, just in case he misinterprets your compassion for attraction.

It sounds to me that you need to spend some of your precious free time making friendships that will fit into your life. I know that can be really hard but there are a lot of people who are similarly short of time and feeling as lonely as you do. You need a support network and people to connect to as well as hugs.

Going to things with people like your colleague when you have time is a brilliant way to do that. I still think you could connect with likeminded people online and translate that into RL meetups.

Obvs for @TintinIsBack's sake take necessary precautions before meeting a random from online if you ever pursue that avenue

@WhoIsPepeSilva

People meet up all the time through online meetups, it's not that out there *@TintinIsBack*

You may as well as would I like to meet up with and personally fix all the people that pay for prostitutes for whatever reason... um no thanks.

Why is it up to me? If the OP wants hugs she can figure out a way to do that without relying on exploitation, she doesn't need me to do it for her.

Ridiculous.

I don’t think it was ridiculous.

I was wondering if you would. be happy to do what you expect others to do (meeting people online for a hug). As i expected, you aren’t.
Personally I call that being hypocritical…

Confirmed by your condescending later comment too….

Last year was the loneliest year of my life to date OP. I was lost, traumatised, heartbroken and alone. Sometimes in this big cold scary world you just want a bit of reassurance, warmth and for someone to tell you it's all okay and they have your back. But paying for affection isn't the answer it will only make you feel so much worse. I don't have any answers but I do know one thing from your articulate posts - you are SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!! X

@TintinIsBack

Yes I would (and have) met people IRL I first met online. For the specific purposes of getting a hug? No. Did hugs occur? Sometimes yeah. I am not particularly tactile with strangers so less so with me. And before you ask I actually do have a need to be touched and hugged as a human being, just by those few people I like to do so with.

Do I want to do that at the moment, specifically with OP? No I don't for reasons which are my own.

What's your point exactly? Incidentally would you like to volunteer?

FWIW @Hummmph in the response Tintin is referring to I wasn't being condescending and I hope you don't take it that way.

Tintin seems to have a problem with me for some reason.