Can't even bloody buy a man's affection anymore

[Hummmph]

Just that, really.

I appear to be unable to pull at the grand old age of 35. I am highly successful in my job. I am active. Overweight, but I have a pretty face. Two adorable children. Skills and hobbies out of my ears. I volunteer.

And yet, every relationship I've ever had has been at best neglectful (I once counted 4 full weeks without him contacting me at all before breaking it off) and at worst phsically, emotionally and sexually abusive.

I have no friends due to many house moves and an early pregnancy.

So I decided, enough with trying to have a relationship. Let's have some fun and book someone for a bit of physical attention (NOT sex, just massages/ cuddles, because I'm lonely as fuck). Nice guy, a few messages back and forth. And now the booked job got changed for (I assume) somewhere more lucrative as I only wanted a couple of hours and not a whole night.

Bloody hell. If that wasn't a kick in the teeth I don't know what was. So I can't naturally pull a nice one and I can't even pay for someone to pretend I'm worth something for an evening. No real solution wanted, just sounding off.

@AnyFucker

Ugh. I am judging.

Same. A man posting this would be ripped to shreds. I'm lonely as fuck and haven't been touch in longer than I care to remember. Doesn't mean this is OK.

I’m also side gig as a dating coach and most of my clients are very slim. Believe me when I say being slim didn’t help them much before they started with me because you can look like a Victoria secret model but if you can’t handle men and your self esteem is on the floor you’re pretty screwed

I think it's disingenuous to pretend that being overweight doesn't reduce a woman's pool of potential dates. Some men wouldn't consider an overweight woman. Very few wouldn't consider a woman on the basis she is slim. There are always going to be exceptions where women got more interest when overweight, but in most cases other factors will have come into play to impact this, such as overall attractiveness at the time, lifestyle and so on. And even fewer exceptions where the woman genuinely looks and feels better overweight. But most women, all other things being equal, will have the widest pool to choose from if they are slim. Obviously this is not as it should be, but acknowledging an unpalatable truth doesn't create the problem, and people arent being unkind in suggesting OP may have more options if slimmer. She probably would. Just as she would if childless and in her 20s.

Try to rebook him.
Is he the type that does dinner dates too?

If he is good at what he does, it could give your self esteem a boost.
Pics with him could give you social proof too.

@Songoftheseas

Ah, still choosing to ignore the other 5/6 points all highlighted in my post and just cherry pick the one about her weight again.

Perhaps I'm "up my arse" for asking how her career might impact her free time. Possibly "up my arse" for suggesting that she explores why the relationships she's had, have felt neglectful. Also, "up my arse" for discussing how young children impact the ability to date. Or further "up my arse" for the idea of expanding her hobbies to meet more people.

Any reason why you seem to gloss over the numerous other posters saying the same things and many specifically saying (as you like to ignore anything unless its weight related) "being overweight narrows your dating pool"

I can't think why.

I was a size 18 when I met my (very skinny) husband. Since then my weight has yo-yoed several times but he always says he is attracted to me whatever my weight.

The chances are, that you will find some odd bods, and weird men turn up,if you were to advertise for a man to hug.What a horrible thought that is.

I really hope you're not bringing these people into your home regardless of where the children actually are at the time.

This isn't ok, this is not the way forward for you.

Women are far more attractive and impressive at any age than the average man out there.

Even if this is true, if we're talking about heterosexual dating, it's only really to men's advantage.

There was a thread the other day by a young woman who had an array of very impressive accomplishments but was struggling to meet someone. Most posters said how amazing she sounded, a couple of bi ones said they would be keen to date her. Unfortunately, though, she was entirely heterosexual, so the fact that a bunch of women thought she sounded very dateable wasn't really a help.

Dating sites are different than your average real life encounter where people get to know you or can see how attractive they are in real life. Typically on dating sites men swipe right on more attractive women than they would get in rl, there's stats to show this! Equally some swipe on everyone to increase their chances, that's another tactic.

Weight is just one factor, as is age, but there are lots of nice people who aren't that rigid about either.

It's like saying short men never find love- of course they do, but if they go on your standard dating site and put they are 5 foot 5 inches, they will be filtered out by the majority of women because they value tall men. Similarly Match has a weight categorization, so people do filter by body type and weight and height and all kinds of things in quite unkind ways and in ways they wouldn't if they really met someone through work and got to know them.

That's kind of irrelevant to the OP because I think the last thing she should do is go on a dating site, if you have low self-esteem and poor boundaries it's the worst place to be. I think some of the suggestions have been good, like if you have a pet, get a proper massage, physical touch that way, but the best thing you could do is to get therapy if you can afford it so you can learn to reset your boundaries. That way however you meet someone, you won't be so likely to be abused or treated poorly.

The amount of projection going on in this thread regarding the overweight comment is seriously eye opening. The quote "hit dogs will holler" comes to mind. Evidently alot of posters see themselves in the same boat as OP.

OP don't go down the paid for route, you will feel worse afterwards as you know he is only cuddling you because he is paid too, not because he likes you and wants to cuddle you.

You mention hobbies and volunteering, is there no one that does these with you that you gel with enough to ask them on a date?

If not do what someone else suggested, do a new hobby, or a course and meet like minded people, or join some meet up groups. Start with finding friends first then build up from there

I would have thought it was pretty blimmin' obvious that most people have a preference for a fit person of a healthy weight. Of course this doesn't mean an overweight person can't ever be attractive or find love. But it's likely to reduce interest in the shallow cut-throat world of OLD.

Bring back in-person singles' nights in bars and clubs or church halls.

@Sampafie

The amount of projection going on in this thread regarding the overweight comment is seriously eye opening. The quote "hit dogs will holler" comes to mind. Evidently alot of posters see themselves in the same boat as OP.

Lol. So sorry to burst your bubble but speaking for myself I am married and have a family. Lots of hugs and otherwise coming my way 💐

I would have thought it was pretty blimmin' obvious that most people have a preference for a fit person of a healthy weight. Of course this doesn't mean an overweight person can't ever be attractive or find love. But it's likely to reduce interest in the shallow cut-throat world of OLD.

It is blimmin obvious. Just don't say "massively" obvious amongst many other non weight related points

Hook up sites can be great for finding what you want if you’re willing to give them a go.

I really don’t like Tinder as too superficial, but have had plenty of success on Fabswingers and a new one called Feeld. You will always be (too much!) in demand, but I find that this in itself helps you strengthen your boundaries- if someone is even a tiny bit rude, disrespectful or inattentive, you can easily bin them off because there’ll be another one along in ten minutes.

I have also found that, just because men are after sex doesn’t mean that they aren’t ALSO after kisses, cuddles and conversation- so, if you are clear about what you want these are ideal places to find a good FWB.

I do think that a few extra pounds are unlikely to be an issue if you dress and present well, don't let them bother YOU and, of course, if you're lucky enough to carry it well.

Why is it ok to acknowledge facial prettiness and the size of her boobs and bum impacts the likelihood of a man choosing a woman, but its not ok to acknowledge that her weight does? Is this not 'unkind' to women who are not pretty or don't have 'a little extra weight where boobs and bum are concerned'? Every aspect of what is seen as desirable in woman is subject to societal influence so why single weight out as especially wrong?

@TwinsandTrifle

I put no more emphasis on her weight than the fact she has children. Don't project what you are more sensitive about onto what everyone else seems to take at face value

If you put a size 8 woman with an average looking face next to a size 14 woman with a very pretty face, most men would choose the latter. And yes, if you put a size 8 woman with a pretty face next to a size 14 woman with a pretty face, a lot more men statistically are likely to go for the slimmer one but I dare say it wouldn’t likely be more than 50-50 either way.

An 8 is very small, and a 14 doesn't necessarily look overweight. OP says she is overweight. Perhaps read the reams of posters all acknowledging that being overweight reduces her dating pool, as opposed to getting professionally offended by me saying the same.

Overweight can be anything from a few pounds over ideal weight to a few stone. OP doesn’t specify but it is likely that if she is very overweight to obese she would have said so. Assuming she is ‘just’ a little overweight it is unlikely to make a big difference to her perceived attractiveness, especially if she is pretty.

The point OP made that would jump out to anyone not obsessed with weight is the one about her kids. This is by far the most likely reason why she isn’t having much luck meeting a partner. Most men around her age or slightly younger/older would want to have a family of their own and not take on someone else’s children. In fact, a man around 35 is likely to want to meet a woman in her late 20s/early 30s who is less likely to have ‘baggage’. I say this as someone with a child and I know it is a horrible term.

Why is it ok to acknowledge facial prettiness and the size of her boobs and bum impacts the likelihood of a man choosing a woman, but its not ok to acknowledge that her weight does?

Precisely.

@DrSbaitso

I do think that a few extra pounds are unlikely to be an issue if you dress and present well, don't let them bother YOU and, of course, if you're lucky enough to carry it well.

Agree, especially if she is attractive and has a nice personality, interesting things to talk about etc.

Without knowing OP I would almost put money on her kids being an issue. There are online dating sites for single parents though and that’s the route I would choose if I found myself single again.

I realise this may just be me but I would also worry about meeting someone on a normal online dating site who would use me to get access to my children and then be violent/abusive towards them. You read stories like this all the time and 9 times out of 10 it is always the mother’s ‘boyfriend’ or the ‘stepdad’ who abuses the children.