Can't even bloody buy a man's affection anymore

[Hummmph]

Just that, really.

I appear to be unable to pull at the grand old age of 35. I am highly successful in my job. I am active. Overweight, but I have a pretty face. Two adorable children. Skills and hobbies out of my ears. I volunteer.

And yet, every relationship I've ever had has been at best neglectful (I once counted 4 full weeks without him contacting me at all before breaking it off) and at worst phsically, emotionally and sexually abusive.

I have no friends due to many house moves and an early pregnancy.

So I decided, enough with trying to have a relationship. Let's have some fun and book someone for a bit of physical attention (NOT sex, just massages/ cuddles, because I'm lonely as fuck). Nice guy, a few messages back and forth. And now the booked job got changed for (I assume) somewhere more lucrative as I only wanted a couple of hours and not a whole night.

Bloody hell. If that wasn't a kick in the teeth I don't know what was. So I can't naturally pull a nice one and I can't even pay for someone to pretend I'm worth something for an evening. No real solution wanted, just sounding off.

Quite. And the whole "only a few people" on this thread think that the overweight issue (she's so focused on) narrows your dating pool. Are we on the same thread? The vast majority openly acknowledge it does. With a couple of "well it didn't affect me on Tinder/POF" type posts thrown in. Well of course it didn't. It's. Tinder.

[quote Sampafie]@TwinsandTrifle thats why I didnt go into the meds comment. Yet more projection. The whole face-that-curdles-milk sounds like something one would know from personal experience too 😂[/quote]
I really am done commenting here, despite the continued insults to me - this will be my last post.

All the best and I apologise for my previous comments. I was defending myself but am merely sinking to your level which is wrong.

I stand by what I said. You are the one who has been rude, both to OP and then directly or indirectly to many others on this thread.

this is beyond nonsense now. Sorry, I and tonnes of others addressed all of OPs post. One of many points is that being overweight narrows a dating pool. And you call this being rude....when you've told people directly they need to take their meds, called them nutcases, congratulate your own "pretty face" while telling someone else they must be so ugly they curdle milk, up their own arse, pathetic, miserable wit.

Google "playing chess with pigeons".

Ta ra

I accept the apology and I also deeply apologize. I genuinely thought that saying was more widely known. I didnt actually mean you were or looked like a hit dog.
Im sorry.

I'm a good size 18 and really tall with it! I think I carry it well, but clearly that's subjective. Yes, it narrows the dating pool, but is that so bad? The worst thing would be to crash diet, find a guy (who wouldn't date you at your current size) and then regain it all. My darling friend does this. She is big. Much shorter than I am and probably a good bit wider. She really yo-yos and it shows a lot as she is petite. So she'll find some guy when she's been on a mad diet who likes her that smaller size. Then the weight comes piling on again and she's miserable. I don't think she's ever been dumped or anything over her weight, but it's made them really unhappy as he doesn't like the weight gain, she knows he doesn't like it and they end up in a total rut.

The chances of weight not coming back is statistically quite low when you go on a diet. It can be done, but more often than not, it doesn't work out that way. That is statistics, not "being defeatist" or giving up.

I stopped dieting recently and have gone from obese to 'only' a bit overweight. Because I have done exactly what someone made fun of at the beginning of this thread; "love thy curves" and not gone on mental crash diets to snag me a man

I would rather be alone than with a guy who only liked me at a size 12 and no more for example. Those guys do exist - I was a very fat teenager. God knows I know those guys exist! But why would I ever want to date one of them? I don't know about op, but I can't imagine anything worse.

Op, you've already been told about paying for 'affection' and I am sure you know it isn't right.

Anyway, I hope you find what you're looking for.

This thread is peak Mumsnet, posters queuing up to criticise the OP's choices, dig at her weight, tell her that being successful is intimidating, having kids of any kind is a problem (yet if she was 35 and childless and worried about that no doubt some bright spark would pipe up to say that she should've had kids sooner!). Basically that somehow this is her fault - because if there wasn't something wrong with her, if she tried harder, changed her life, her approach, whatever, she'd meet the right man.

Except that advice just isn't true! As women we need to stop flagellating ourselves like this, picking fault. It's so wrong.

I've been on the receiving end of this myself on here some years ago when I made the mistake of laying my dating life and lack of success bare on here, and I was utterly slated - one poster told me to get a less successful job so men would be less intimidated! Thankfully I had enough self confidence to weather the storm.

I suspect the OP is long gone but just in case she's not, I wanted to say that I've been there and I fully understand. By the time I was 40 I felt like I'd dated every worthless, lying, commitment phobic shitbag in Southern England. I also had 2 boys and a successful career, was a bit overweight but with a pretty face and good make up skills. I love my children but at times I just utterly longed for a hug and for someone to actually care about me - I can understand wanting to pay for that, because something transactional is actually a lot more honest that the future faking BS'ers you'll meet on Tinder et al who'll tell you anything to get to their particular endgame, all the while messaging another 10 women and telling them the same.

I don't have an answer to feeling lonely. I lost over 5st during my various failed attempts at dating but it made no difference, I got the same poor quality of messages and of men (I actually met my now partner when my weight was on the way back up again) so don't feel you have to lose weight, but if you want to then do. I also can't guarantee to you, OP, that it will get better but the chances are that, eventually, it will. I met my DP when I was 41 on a last throw of the dice on dating sites, our relationship certainly hasn't been smooth sailing but my life is better with him in it and it's the first relationship I've ever had where I ever felt the other person was interested in me, and what I had to say, and actually cared about my wellbeing. So no advice really other than to say I get it, I really do.

Spot on Velvet. It’s been grim and dispiriting reading this thread, on everything that’s supposedly “wrong” with the OP.

I don’t think weight makes much difference tbh, there are a lot of overweight guys out there too, they would be hypercritical if they only dated skinny girls? I do prefer skinny guys but struggle to find any, most are overweight and the buff ones are too fussy. I’m a size 12 and have guys tell me they prefer big girls 😬.

Finding someone to hug or have sex with is pretty easy. Finding someone who actually cares isn’t as easy.

The only thing “wrong” with the op is her willingness to support the sex industry

Oh, and being a drop’n’run artiste

it's the first relationship I've ever had where I ever felt the other person was interested in me, and what I had to say, and actually cared about my wellbeing

^ 😊

that’s meant as a happy smile for you Velvet sometimes these smilies are hard to read!

Appealing for some peace and love on this one please. If we have to make any more deletions we'll have to remove the thread. Hit report on anything you want us to take a look at and we'll remove anything that breaks talk guidelines.

Ah ha. Sensible debate returns!

I don't think necessarily when people have said things about OPs lifestyle that she's wrong or at fault. I think people have been pretty honest about what could be reason(s) as to why OP is finding it difficult.

It is not making out something is wrong with OP to say "When you say successful, how does this translate? Could it be that you spend so much time in the office that you've not had the time to work on a relationship?". It's not making out that there's something wrong with her to say "some people are intimidated by success, is that perhaps applicable?"

It's not making out there's something wrong with her having children, by pointing out the very fact that not everyone wants a relationship with a parent. Often more so when it's more than one child and if they are very young. It's not suggesting there's something wrong with her to say, "maybe as the children become older, you'll find it becomes easier".

The fact that she says her previous relationships have all been neglectful and abusive, and she needs to look at how this pattern has formed, is again, not critical of OP. It's just fact, again, of her specific situation. Is she finding dates all on the same platform and this is a poor platform. Does she have a people pleaser mentality and needs to work on valuing herself more?

I think that's all constructive and food for thought, not to take offence at.

I don't think

@AnyFucker

The only thing “wrong” with the op is her willingness to support the sex industry

Oh, and being a drop’n’run artiste

Well would you have stayed on a thread where people took great pleasure in telling you all the ways you’ve lived your life wrong? Or that you are less than nothing because you are missing human ADULT touch (not sex!)

All that at a time when. the OP is clearly very low?

Empathy maybe?

I have empathy, lots of it. For the sex workers, not the johns.

@AnyFucker

I have empathy, lots of it. For the sex workers, not the johns.

Oh honestly...the op is a lonely woman who didn't even want sex. The man in question would not have been in physical/sexual danger from a lonely mum. I think it was an act of desperation and I think that him cancelling was fate.

@Rocaille

You wanted to purchase a human being for a few hours to use them for your own gratification, and now you're moaning because you were outbid. Disgusting.

Agreed. Why do women do the same things they despise men for? If a man posted about a prostitute turning him down the he would be spat at by MN.

I often see posts on here saying that we should NEVER date men who have used an escort in the past because these men are disgusting to buy another person's body.

What about all that talk of how escort women get trafficked etc.? Why is no such mention on here ? Some say 'I get it, I've often thought of getting a gigolo myself for some company'. Even if a man said he was getting an escort 'for some company', he would get shredded on here because he would still be told he's encouraging prostitution and even if he doesn't sleep with the escort then he's fuelling the trade..

This has to be the worst case of double standards I've ever experienced.

This has to be the worst case of double standards I've ever experienced.

Not the worst, but it’s up there.

@AnyFucker

I have empathy, lots of it. For the sex workers, not the johns.

No one wanted to buy SEX on this thread though.

I’m struggling to see how having someone holding you into their arms is different from going to see a massage therapist.

If men paid prostitutes to hug them, I don't think I'd have many objections to prostitution.

he would get shredded on here because he would still be told he's encouraging prostitution and even if he doesn't sleep with the escort then he's fuelling the trade

There's really not much of a market for male escorts for women though is there?

@SleepingBunnies21

If men paid prostitutes to hug them, I don't think I'd have many objections to prostitution.

Same!