Can't even bloody buy a man's affection anymore

[Hummmph]

Just that, really.

I appear to be unable to pull at the grand old age of 35. I am highly successful in my job. I am active. Overweight, but I have a pretty face. Two adorable children. Skills and hobbies out of my ears. I volunteer.

And yet, every relationship I've ever had has been at best neglectful (I once counted 4 full weeks without him contacting me at all before breaking it off) and at worst phsically, emotionally and sexually abusive.

I have no friends due to many house moves and an early pregnancy.

So I decided, enough with trying to have a relationship. Let's have some fun and book someone for a bit of physical attention (NOT sex, just massages/ cuddles, because I'm lonely as fuck). Nice guy, a few messages back and forth. And now the booked job got changed for (I assume) somewhere more lucrative as I only wanted a couple of hours and not a whole night.

Bloody hell. If that wasn't a kick in the teeth I don't know what was. So I can't naturally pull a nice one and I can't even pay for someone to pretend I'm worth something for an evening. No real solution wanted, just sounding off.

@TwinsandTrifle you are so so wrong about overweight people being unattractive. They're unattractive to you, that's all. At size 16-18 I literally had them lining up on Tinder...

OP get a dog for cuddles. And work harder to meet someone then build affection and a relationship. The failed purchase you mention means precisely nothing.

I'm not going to judge you but I don't think you would have found what you're looking for by paying for it.

Being single is often lonely...most of us have experienced that. Its shit.

You need a decent fwb...do you have any nice ex boyfriends who you could contact?

So if a man wrote,

Let's have some fun and book someone for a bit of physical attention (NOT sex, just massages/ cuddles, because I'm lonely as fuck). Nice girl, a few messages back and forth. And now the booked job got changed for (I assume) somewhere more lucrative as I only wanted a couple of hours and not a whole night.

Grim, isn't it?

I'm with AnaViaSalamanca. Harsh post, but something to think about, OP.

Don't conflate the cancelled job with your difficulty in finding a partner. Entirely different. The first is understandably depressing. The second is of no more importance than the plumber not turning up. Irritating but no reflection on your value. To be honest I think the paying thing is a bad idea for you anyway. You can't buy what you want and it will feel fake and hollow and I think you would geel worse after. You're already hurt that you were treated like a job. Imagine how much worse that would be after you'd shared something intimate and thought he was even nicer? You want a relationship so i'd focus on that. Takes time but most people find one eventually.

Read this book. Stick to it like a diet and your love life will change
www.amazon.co.uk/New-Rules-digital-generation-bestselling/dp/0749957247/ref=asc_df_0749957247/?hvlocphy=1006886&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310819191513&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-460146958023&hvrand=3287465576635763098

You are so so wrong about overweight people being unattractive. They're unattractive to you, that's all.

Of course it's just me. Must be why the diet industry is worth billions and the media is full of slim people. Because the average person prefers overweight...

At size 16-18 I literally had them lining up on Tinder...

Congratulations on your weight not being an issue on a hook up site. 99% of people are not on there for a long term prospect. It almost doesn't matter what you look like on Tinder to some. A good friend of mine was on it, and I couldn't believe how it operated. Her words "it doesn't matter, we're all on here for the same thing" OP is looking ideally for a relationship. I'm glad you're happy with being overweight, but please don't mislead OP that it's not affecting her dating success. It's a little silly to point out that yes, maybe ten men love size 18 women, to then ignore the 200 others that love size 10.

@AnaViaSalamanca

You sound like an incel… it’s horrible. If a man has posted this he would have been decimated

A good job (congrats on being an adult by the way) or volunteering or hobbies doesn’t entitle you to a relationship or sex.

Don't be ridiculous. The OP is lonely and wants a paid cuddle. Do you actually know what Incels sound like? Id have a quick look if I were you before making such hyperbolic and offensive comments.

I don't really understand why you felt paying for sex would be better than a hookup, but I assume you've tried or had the latter and it was no good?

I'll definitely say not all my hookups were great but a few of them were, and they were all interesting except two just before the end, which was when I packed it in. I wonder what's put you off? I could barely cope with the level of attention and I'm 15 years older than you and carrying a lot of extra weight.

I've noticed that all the plus size brides on the TV programme following their weddings are with plus size men.

So clearly there is a niche, if that's the right word.

Also, not sure what op means by overweight.
That's very vague/subjective.

Ime many many men prefer 14, 16 with a biggish bust over slimmer wiry the small bust that being slim often entails. I've found this to my detriment as someone who looks quite skinny and has a small bust.

@PermanentTemporary

I don't really understand why you felt paying for sex would be better than a hookup, but I assume you've tried or had the latter and it was no good?

I'll definitely say not all my hookups were great but a few of them were, and they were all interesting except two just before the end, which was when I packed it in. I wonder what's put you off? I could barely cope with the level of attention and I'm 15 years older than you and carrying a lot of extra weight.

She wasn't paying for sex. She's said more than once she isn't looking for sex, she just needs a hug and non-sexual affection.

I'm sorry you're feeling that way, but I don't think this is the right approach. Fair enough if you are done with trying to date, but what about trying to make one or two new friends? You could join an exercise club, book club, art club, whatever you like doing, and it will be so much more fulfilling and won't leave you feeling empty at the end.. I think if you put the energy into something like that and working on yourself rather than in finding a sex worker it'll be so much better for you and for your kids too. And if you really really need a hug instantly, go give your child a hug?

So it may not not about weight, it might be more about the young kids.

That tends to ve very off-putting to a lot of men, they think (rightly or wrongly) the woman is looking for a dad for them, that they'll have to take them on, as it were, sooner or later... that things will will curtailed by them etc.

This is about more than her having young kids - she says every relationship she's ever had has been neglectful or abusive. OP would you say you have low self-esteem? Do you like and respect yourself? If the answer to those questions is 'No' (and I strongly suspect that it is), then the issue is not your weight or your DC, it's your self esteem. People who like and respect themselves wouldn't put up with the relationships you describe, nor would they pay for some random guy to come round and hug them.

Please address your low feelings of self worth and I strongly suspect that you'll attract a better class of partner in the future. As for the subject of this post - you hired someone as a business transaction and they had a more lucrative offer - it wasn't personal - but in all honesty I doubt it would've made you feel better anyway. TBH, I suspect he's done you a favour in the long run.

@WhoIsPepeSilva

Sorry I understand loneliness, but if you want a massage book in for a massage.

Anything else and you are buying/renting a person's body and that is not ok.

You just have to keep plugging away at trying to meet someone if you want affection, which is hard but fuck me prostitutes are never in it because they enjoy the job are they? You would be perpetuating the problem if you keep doing this.

Not to mention the risks as PP have pointed out to you.

Honestly you'd be getting the arse torn out of you if you were a bloke posting this tbh.

And rightly so if she were a man. But she's not and the person she wants to pay for affection is. And because of this, the odds are he hasn't been trafficked. He doesn't go to every job not knowing if he's going to be physically injured or raped or abused. He likely doesn't have to hand over a large portion of his earnings to someone he may be physically frightened of. Its more than likely he chose his work of his own free will from a range of other options. I'm not for a moment suggesting this would be a positive thing, but anyone who thinks it comparable with men buying women's bodies for sex, must have allowed the fact of centuries of female oppression to completely pass them by.

@TwinsandTrifle I really wonder where you get your stats from! 99% there just for hookup on Tinder? Nope. Only 5% of men don't prefer size 10? Bollocks. Stop looking at the Daily Mail and gossip mags and start looking around you.

Well no you can’t buy affection in any sense because it’s not real affection it’s a transaction. Other people have talked about the ethics of buying someone so I won’t, but I would say this was never a good plan because either you’d have felt empty or even worse you’d have got a sticking plaster solution and then what? You spend your free time and money on buying a distraction from your issues rather than solving them.

Being lonely is awful, but if you’re not willing to try and meet people to have a mutual actual affectionate interaction with then you’ll remain lonely.

I completely agree with the preference of shapely as opposed to simply very thin.

I think men and women view things very differently though. When a man says curvy, it tends to be like JLo, Shakira, Beyonce. In reality these women are tiny, with hour glass shape. When a woman says curvy, it often means size 14, 16, 18. And this isn't the same.

I've been a size 6 most of my life. No boobs. After DC, my boobs were just saggy, so I had them done and I'm now an 8 but with curves. The attention I get (and they're not whopping great comedy boobs at all) now is far more than when I was akin to a stick.

I think it helps to be self critical and honest, and rather than try and list all your good points and wonder why that's not good enough, ask "why wouldn't I date me" and work on that.

No judgement @Hummmph but don’t do this to yourself. You’re worth more than this. I was single for 2.5 years before I was married, then just a FWB for a few months then single again for about 8 months. I know it can be lonely. Just tell yourself that you can sort through the frogs and find someone. I know it’s a cliche but it’s a numbers game. If babysitting will allow, line up more than one date in a day. It only has to be an hour for coffee and if he’s a shit then bin him off. If you feel any sort of spark, even a tiny bit then keep texting and meet for a second time to see how it goes. Men are sometimes nervous on the first date, especially the nice ones, and you don’t want to miss out.

[quote JustThisLastLittleBit]@TwinsandTrifle you are so so wrong about overweight people being unattractive. They're unattractive to you, that's all. At size 16-18 I literally had them lining up on Tinder...

OP get a dog for cuddles. And work harder to meet someone then build affection and a relationship. The failed purchase you mention means precisely nothing. [/quote]
@JustThisLastLittleBit
I don't think being 'desired' on Tinder is about weight; it depends what your profile states... but in my experience a lot of men would prefer no strings/casual relationships with virtually anyone anything that has a pulse and is wet hookups dressed up as dating, so the fact that you were desired doesn't say much - all women are because they are access to sex

You're only 35 op.. how old are the guys you're going for on online dating? If I was you I wouldn't go for men the same age as you. Go for older men. Men who are also 35 will generally be looking for women who don't have kids in order to start their own family. If you look at men 45-50 they will be more accepting of the fact you have kids, will probably already have their own children and they won't want to have more.

This may sound harsh...I'm overweight but pretty too . But a 35 year old guy is unlikely to enter into a relationship with an overweight single mum when there is a queue of slim 28 year old childfree women in line. I'm sorry to be blunt. I'm an overweight mum myself! Just being practical.

However, for a 45 year old divorced guy who has kids already, you'll be an absolute catch.

I’m afraid I view this in the same way as a man buying attention. It’s wrong.
I’m sorry you are struggling OP, but turning a human into a commodity won’t make you feel better in the long run. It is likely to make you feel much worse.

@zonky absolutely.

I don't know why the pretence that Tinder isn't a hook up site. Weight, or any other physical attribute really doesn't come into it. As you say, every woman is desired on there.

I also don't know why the pretence that being overweight doesn't affect dating prospects. Doesn't eliminate your ability to date, of course not. But limit your dating pool? Yes.

So does age. Having children. Living in the arse end of nowhere. All sorts of things that whether you like it or not, have an impact. It's having the acceptance of what you can change, if you want too.

What zafferana wrote.

This is not just about size/weight; this is also about a lack of self esteem and self worth also stemming from being in abusive relationships.

This is about more than her having young kids

I didn't mean it's only about being a mum to young kids, there are a lot of factors it could be.

Just that I'm not sure weight is as important a factor as that poster thinks it is.