Can't even bloody buy a man's affection anymore

[Hummmph]

Just that, really.

I appear to be unable to pull at the grand old age of 35. I am highly successful in my job. I am active. Overweight, but I have a pretty face. Two adorable children. Skills and hobbies out of my ears. I volunteer.

And yet, every relationship I've ever had has been at best neglectful (I once counted 4 full weeks without him contacting me at all before breaking it off) and at worst phsically, emotionally and sexually abusive.

I have no friends due to many house moves and an early pregnancy.

So I decided, enough with trying to have a relationship. Let's have some fun and book someone for a bit of physical attention (NOT sex, just massages/ cuddles, because I'm lonely as fuck). Nice guy, a few messages back and forth. And now the booked job got changed for (I assume) somewhere more lucrative as I only wanted a couple of hours and not a whole night.

Bloody hell. If that wasn't a kick in the teeth I don't know what was. So I can't naturally pull a nice one and I can't even pay for someone to pretend I'm worth something for an evening. No real solution wanted, just sounding off.

@TwinsandTrifle

Hi, "that poster" here

Actually, I addressed her age. Her job. That she was active. Overweight. Two children. Lots of skills and hobbies. Her volunteering. The fact that her previous relationships all shared a pattern of neglect.

Then ignoring most of this, a poster who is size 16-18 went off on simply the weight tangent, highlighting her desirability on Tinder.

You made several points, yes.

But I don't agree, from observation and experience, about your weight point.

That's all I was saying.

*Overweight, but I have a pretty face.

This (sorry but it is the truth) will massively affect things. Like it or not, people are physically attracted to their partner. And most are not attracted to overweight, from both the appearance aspect, and the health aspects that can arise. Of the couples I know, where one/both are overweight, they all were much slimmer when they met, and it's gradually happened. Of the four divorced couples I know, the 8 people in question, 5 have started new relationships. The other 3 that are definitely looking for someone but haven't found anyone, all 3 are overweight. Like it or not, this isn't coincidence. I'm sure someone will be along very soon to be hyper offended by this, and "love thy curves" and of course, yes, but it still doesn't change that it's a hindrance in the world of "meeting someone"*

Well someone better have a word with the guys on Plenty of Fish then, because I'm a size 20 and when I was on there I was inundated!

Without knowing OP I would almost put money on her kids being an issue. There are online dating sites for single parents though and that’s the route I would choose if I found myself single again.

I realise this may just be me but I would also worry about meeting someone on a normal online dating site who would use me to get access to my children and then be violent/abusive towards them. You read stories like this all the time and 9 times out of 10 it is always the mother’s ‘boyfriend’ or the ‘stepdad’ who abuses the children.

I'm not sure if that's a bit of a double edged sword though. Surely if someone was looking to act like that, they'd specifically go for a single parent site, where they were guaranteed to meet someone with children.

@songoftheseas

Lots of hugs back. Hope the whole kids thing isnt still a horrible term as you mentioned.

@TwinsandTrifle

Without knowing OP I would almost put money on her kids being an issue. There are online dating sites for single parents though and that’s the route I would choose if I found myself single again.

I realise this may just be me but I would also worry about meeting someone on a normal online dating site who would use me to get access to my children and then be violent/abusive towards them. You read stories like this all the time and 9 times out of 10 it is always the mother’s ‘boyfriend’ or the ‘stepdad’ who abuses the children.

I'm not sure if that's a bit of a double edged sword though. Surely if someone was looking to act like that, they'd specifically go for a single parent site, where they were guaranteed to meet someone with children.

Yes, there’s always a risk. I do think that if the site is only for men/women with their own children there is less likelihood of meeting that type of man (or woman) though. I also think the more specialist dating sites are likely to yield more options as anyone joining is already a single parent themselves and therefore not going to look upon having a child/children as offputting. A lot of men or women screening profiles on a regular dating site would just automatically dismiss the ones which stated that the person has a family.

@AnaViaSalamanca

You sound like an incel… it’s horrible. If a man has posted this he would have been decimated

A good job (congrats on being an adult by the way) or volunteering or hobbies doesn’t entitle you to a relationship or sex.

Are you kidding? The OP was simply presenting her view of herself.

Overweight, but I have a pretty face.

This (sorry but it is the truth) will massively affect things.

@TwinsandTrifle it may be your truth, but that doesn't mean it's everybody's.

Well someone better have a word with the guys on Plenty of Fish then, because I'm a size 20 and when I was on there I was inundated!

No one is saying you get zero attention. It's saying in the online dating world (whether you wanted the additional attention or not) that were you a size 12 you are more likely to have double the messages.

I think it's also relevant that Plenty of Fish is sort of known as one up from Tinder. I would expect attention on POF, Match (to a lesser degree) and definitely Tinder. Irrespective of my height/weight/appearance.

There was one that I can't recall that was on social media a couple of weeks back, that was set up for people who wanted affairs. Nice eh. And there were comments about the type of people on there. And the general consensus was "You don't look at anyone here as partner material, we all know why we're here". Looks, age, personality were all pretty redundant. I think other sites have that attached to them as well.

I don't know anything about Bumble but I've seen a few people on MN recommend it.

@Shelddd

I doubt an escort cares about pleasing anyone. It's just about making enough money for their next fix.

Absolutely do not bring someone like that in your home where your kids are (even if they are away for the evening).

Online dating might be rough at times and can even be a little unsafe but still much safer than engaging with sex workers.

Enough money for their next fix. What does that mean??

@Rocaille

You wanted to purchase a human being for a few hours to use them for your own gratification, and now you're moaning because you were outbid. Disgusting.

Give your head a wobble.

These kind of services have been going on since the stone ages.
The person is willing participant and is getting paid for a service. Your going on as if shes bought him as a slave!

@Hummmph your post brought a lump to my throat because I know so much how you feel. Loneliness and the desperate need for affection are soul destroying and nobody who’s not in that boat can either understand or judge.

I've been every size from an 8-16. I've always had male attention. Although, I've had more attention when I've been slimmer. However, I'm curvy and even as a size 8, I wasn't skinny...I still had boobs and bum.

Men like tits and ass...they don't like flabby bellys and ham hock arms. Not saying that's you op...just giving my insight into weight and dating

Do remember - weight can be gained/lost
Yeah, thats what they all say. Hit dogs do holler loudest indeed.

@TwinsandTrifle thanks

@TwinsandTrifle

Well someone better have a word with the guys on Plenty of Fish then, because I'm a size 20 and when I was on there I was inundated!

No one is saying you get zero attention. It's saying in the online dating world (whether you wanted the additional attention or not) that were you a size 12 you are more likely to have double the messages.

I think it's also relevant that Plenty of Fish is sort of known as one up from Tinder. I would expect attention on POF, Match (to a lesser degree) and definitely Tinder. Irrespective of my height/weight/appearance.

There was one that I can't recall that was on social media a couple of weeks back, that was set up for people who wanted affairs. Nice eh. And there were comments about the type of people on there. And the general consensus was "You don't look at anyone here as partner material, we all know why we're here". Looks, age, personality were all pretty redundant. I think other sites have that attached to them as well.

I don't know anything about Bumble but I've seen a few people on MN recommend it.

IIIRC the sites that cater to “hook ups” tend to have more men than women signed up. For whatever reason - cultural or genetic - more men seek out casual arrangements than women. That combined with the fact more men tend to swipe on everything to increase their chances and that they’re still expected to make the first approach, means, for women, hook-up sites are very much a buyer’s market. They have lots of proposals to sift through compared to men who pitch to many and hope for a bite.

When you consider also, that since nobody’s asking for exclusivity, one Adonis can attend to many women without. complaint, then I think looks, age and personality of the men matter a lot. The fact they also heavily rely on visuals and can’t convey chemistry only adds to this. Not so much the looks, age or personality of the women, however, since it’d be rare for an average guy to compete when the criteria required are so shallow.

Yes completely agree with all that. On the sites known for hook ups, there are more men, who are contacting with little or no filter, so by default every woman receives a lot of contact.

Some exceptions, as always. Exceptions don't make the rule, even if the rule isn't very palatable.