Can't even bloody buy a man's affection anymore

[Hummmph]

Just that, really.

I appear to be unable to pull at the grand old age of 35. I am highly successful in my job. I am active. Overweight, but I have a pretty face. Two adorable children. Skills and hobbies out of my ears. I volunteer.

And yet, every relationship I've ever had has been at best neglectful (I once counted 4 full weeks without him contacting me at all before breaking it off) and at worst phsically, emotionally and sexually abusive.

I have no friends due to many house moves and an early pregnancy.

So I decided, enough with trying to have a relationship. Let's have some fun and book someone for a bit of physical attention (NOT sex, just massages/ cuddles, because I'm lonely as fuck). Nice guy, a few messages back and forth. And now the booked job got changed for (I assume) somewhere more lucrative as I only wanted a couple of hours and not a whole night.

Bloody hell. If that wasn't a kick in the teeth I don't know what was. So I can't naturally pull a nice one and I can't even pay for someone to pretend I'm worth something for an evening. No real solution wanted, just sounding off.

If you need a hug, try hugging your kids?

Also maybe try thinking about the fact that the human being you want to purchase is someone's kid as well.

@TwinsandTrifle

Going to be really "harsh" with you here OP. Because you're not addressing the issue, just trying to fix it with a weird temporary solution.

I appear to be unable to pull at the grand old age of 35.

Agreed, it's not your age. That's no age at all to meet someone.

I am highly successful in my job.

What does this more accurately reflect as? You are career driven and work long hours and maybe relationships have suffered because you're in the office so much? Are you very successful and some guys are intimidated by this. Again, not a criticism, just trying to gain a bigger picture insight.

I am active.

Most people would like this.

Overweight, but I have a pretty face.

This (sorry but it is the truth) will massively affect things. Like it or not, people are physically attracted to their partner. And most are not attracted to overweight, from both the appearance aspect, and the health aspects that can arise. Of the couples I know, where one/both are overweight, they all were much slimmer when they met, and it's gradually happened. Of the four divorced couples I know, the 8 people in question, 5 have started new relationships. The other 3 that are definitely looking for someone but haven't found anyone, all 3 are overweight. Like it or not, this isn't coincidence. I'm sure someone will be along very soon to be hyper offended by this, and "love thy curves" and of course, yes, but it still doesn't change that it's a hindrance in the world of "meeting someone"

Two adorable children.

Are they? My DTwins are the best things ever. To me. Would someone else want to take on twin toddlers? Yes, they're beautiful. They also yanked the TV from the unit yesterday. They take up a lot of my time. They are hugely dependent. The concept of a potential stepfather role, is usually what people are happy to accept, as opposed to actively look for. Ask yourself, would someone rather date you, with two children, or without. If your DC are very young, again, like it or not, this might be putting people off, and you'll find you suddenly have a lot more success in dating when they are a few years older and less immediately dependent.

Skills and hobbies out of my ears.

What sort of things? Could you get more involved here and meet someone through a combined interest?

I volunteer.

Nice.

And yet, every relationship I've ever had has been at best neglectful

Look into this more. Why do you think this is? Are you a people pleaser and feel deflated in return. Do you have really high expectations? How did things manifest that you describe as neglectful? Where did you meet the people who have been neglectful? Online dating, or a variety of places? Are you looking in the wrong place?

Sorry if that was a tough read. But if it's really bothering you, I think you need to examine the whole situation and look at why things may have happened.

Absolutely love this comment.

Hi, "that poster" here

Actually, I addressed her age. Her job. That she was active. Overweight. Two children. Lots of skills and hobbies. Her volunteering. The fact that her previous relationships all shared a pattern of neglect.

Then ignoring most of this, a poster who is size 16-18 went off on simply the weight tangent, highlighting her desirability on Tinder.

OP, I'm sending you a hug. Not quite the same as the real thing but a hug all the same.

@WhoIsPepeSilva

Sorry I understand loneliness, but if you want a massage book in for a massage.

Anything else and you are buying/renting a person's body and that is not ok.

You just have to keep plugging away at trying to meet someone if you want affection, which is hard but fuck me prostitutes are never in it because they enjoy the job are they? You would be perpetuating the problem if you keep doing this.

Not to mention the risks as PP have pointed out to you.

Honestly you'd be getting the arse torn out of you if you were a bloke posting this tbh.

Not judgemental at all....

@WhoIsPepeSilva

Sorry I understand loneliness, but if you want a massage book in for a massage.

Anything else and you are buying/renting a person's body and that is not ok.

You just have to keep plugging away at trying to meet someone if you want affection, which is hard but fuck me prostitutes are never in it because they enjoy the job are they? You would be perpetuating the problem if you keep doing this.

Not to mention the risks as PP have pointed out to you.

Honestly you'd be getting the arse torn out of you if you were a bloke posting this tbh.

"Honestly you'd be getting the arse torn out of you if you were a bloke posting this tbh."

Sounds like that might be what she's looking for....

The other thing to consider, is if you can't currently find a partner to meet all your needs, you can meet a lot of those needs with others.

Arrange dinners with friends. Up your social calendar. Book a Thai massage and treat yourself, be self indulgent. Try new things, you never know, but that comedian you would never usually have gone to see, you might meet someone in the bar after. Buy sex toys. Exercise a bit more. Change things up a bit, time for a new hair do? New coat? New perfume?

A few little things can add up to a big change.

@TwinsandTrifle

You sound like a lovely person. Not. Do you think you are superior because you are a size 6-8?

I met my DH when I was 28. I had a pretty face like OP but was always varying degrees of overweight in my 20s - when I met DH I was around a size 14. It sounds arrogant but I got loads of attention both in real life and on dating sites. I also went out with some really good looking men, one of whom was a model. By Twins’ standards they shouldn’t have been interested in me at all as I wasn’t thin. In my experience and from what I see around me most men don’t care about weight unless someone is at an extreme end of the weight spectrum. A pretty face and big boobs have always worked for me and sadly I am now very overweight (working on it, for health reasons).

OP sounds lovely in every way and I suspect her kids are at the root of her issues. Personally, I became single again, I would join online dating sites specifically for single parents. The vast majority of single men without a family will not want a serious relationship with a woman with children. There will be exceptions but in the minority.

Loneliness is a terrible thing .However these kind of paid transactions with a "Gigalo " kind of guy can be very dangerous .You know nothing about these guys or what they are into at all.I dont think many people will be happy with this kind of set up .What about friends at work ,guys with similar hobbies ,whatever .This would be safer than meeting randoms for hook ups surely? You have a lot to offer ,a good job and a family ,but maybe just think of a chum for now .Often we can meet people when we least expect it .

You sound like a lovely person. Not. Do you think you are superior because you are a size 6-8?

If that's how spectacularly you have "misinterpreted" what I've written, pretty pointless responding to you any further.

Anecdotally, I've mainly been a size 8 or 10 for my adult life but was briefly a Size 14 (for about 8 weeks) and a Size 12 for 10 months or so. I've never had more male attention than when I was bigger and I had men admit that they were more turned on and enjoyed being with someone with a softer, curvier body than a slimmer one. Several times I was told that a rounded belly is cuter than a flat one. I have always had curves, even at a size 8 as I have an hour glass figure and big boobs. I was definitely more sought after with genuine fat and flab on me. I mean significantly more sought after and actually by much nicer men.

Coincidentally, I didn't like being bigger and have a strong genetic history of diabetes and heart disease. So I lost the extra weight. And the attention became less too. So I can't agree that most men prefer slimmer women as it's not been the case for me. And I appreciate that 12/14 isn't considered "fat" by many on MN but all of my clinically obese friends somehow got chosen and married after years of having boyfriends. Many of them meeting their husbands online.

I definitely previously had believed and been told, always by other women, that men wouldn't be attracted to me if I gained weight and "lost my trim figure" as my mother said. I was shocked and bemused to have the opposite experience.

I don't think weight is as big a deal as many have been led to believe.

@AnaViaSalamanca

You sound like an incel… it’s horrible. If a man has posted this he would have been decimated

A good job (congrats on being an adult by the way) or volunteering or hobbies doesn’t entitle you to a relationship or sex.

The OP isn’t looking for either a relationship or sex though.

She is looking for a hug. Just a simple hug like you would probably give to a friend.

She is looking for a hug. Just a simple hug like you would probably give to a friend

Why can't she hug her kids?

I find Mumsnet such a bizarre place when it comes to appearances. If you're overweight it's ok for you to talk about your pretty face, but if you're not, you're just up your own arse.

I remember a thread about money once, and I'm a qualified accountant (many moons ago) but I help out (alongside some other accountants and lawyers volunteering) with an organisation that helps single mothers start their own businesses. I'd been on benefits before too, so was advising this particular poster.

Someone else took it upon themselves to trawl through other posts and they brought up what was completely irrelevant, which is that I used to model. And my god, what a prick they were.

"AHH ha ha ha the successful model on benefits" etc

I asked her why she felt the need to introduce something of no relevance to the thread. Then I clarified, in a nutshell, qualified as an accountant quite young. Hated it. Quit. Started modelling, had DS. Was on benefits. Got a lucky break. Made a decent career. Got older, met DH, had DTwins, now SAHM and volunteer with this organisation.

More "ah ha ha yeah right"

Well, yes actually. And you can't help thinking there wouldn't have been such a nasty and accusatory reaction had I binned off the accounts and been a successful author, or artist, teacher, chef whatever.

There was another poster, who also got attacked. Someone had said something bizarre like "only unattractive women would have a problem with this" and this poster said, "hi, I'm a nice looking woman, and I don't agree" and wow, she got jumped on "yeahhhhh sure you are". Perhaps if she'd said she was a size 18 with a pretty face, then it would evidently have been acceptable.

Such a bizarre double standard.

This cannot be real.

Being overweight, having kids, being over 30, all does make your dating pool smaller. But a huge amount of women these days, including the young slim and pretty ones have poor boundaries and are too desperate and available so their relationships go nowhere anyway. Too much texting, too many dates too soon, sex too soon, revealing too much personal info too early… all
massive turn offs to men and/ or attracts narcissists and abusers. I would wager the reason the op has had abusive relationships is not because she’s overweight but because she’s opening herself up unknowingly to abusers through crappy boundaries.
It’s better to work on your self esteem and get a better ‘dating game’ sorted. There are things you can’t control like your age but you can work on a your physical appearance and your boundaries. That way even if your dating pool is smaller, you’re maximising the quality of your dating life.

@zonky 'all women are desired because they are access to sex': what a misogynist thing to say!

@beastlyslumber

She is looking for a hug. Just a simple hug like you would probably give to a friend

Why can't she hug her kids?

Well if you ever have. been lonely and craving a hug, you would know it’s completely different.

She wants someone to. GIVE. HER a hug.
She is GIVING AWAY a hug when she is hugging her dcs.

Not the same thing at all

[quote JustThisLastLittleBit]@zonky 'all women are desired because they are access to sex': what a misogynist thing to say![/quote]
Well....if you go on Tinder or Fab Swingers...you will certainly see a lot of misogyny. Otherwise you're in denial

Yes, I think it's a question of being more inwardly honest with how she perceives things.

She describes herself as successful, adorable children, 35 (very datable age) pretty. Then says her relationships all follow a pattern of neglect. So it's less she can't find a relationship, more she finds bad relationships, and it's digging deeper to ascertain why.

[quote JustThisLastLittleBit]@zonky 'all women are desired because they are access to sex': what a misogynist thing to say![/quote]
But most likely true, in the case of men on a hookup app. Don't shoot the messenger.

But you are up your own arse, clearly! You have already said that being ‘overweight’ is likely to be at the root of OP’s problems

I mean that's just laughable. Did you read my first post where I addressed 6/7 things. Maybe query why all you select from that is weight.

Being overweight, having kids, being over 30, all does make your dating pool smaller.

Yep

But a huge amount of women these days, including the young slim and pretty ones have poor boundaries and are too desperate and available so their relationships go nowhere anyway.

Completely agree

I would wager the reason the op has had abusive relationships is not because she’s overweight but because she’s opening herself up unknowingly to abusers through crappy boundaries.

Yes, the relationship pattern isn't down to her appearance.

It’s better to work on your self esteem and get a better ‘dating game’ sorted.

Absolutely.

There are things you can’t control like your age but you can work on a your physical appearance and your boundaries. That way even if your dating pool is smaller, you’re maximising the quality of your dating life.

Precisely.

Wonder if you'll get jumped on for saying the same as my first post, but without the knowledge of what clothes size you are.

@TwinsandTrifle

But you are up your own arse, clearly! You have already said that being ‘overweight’ is likely to be at the root of OP’s problems

I mean that's just laughable. Did you read my first post where I addressed 6/7 things. Maybe query why all you select from that is weight.

Taken from your first post:

Overweight, but I have a pretty face.

This (sorry but it is the truth) will massively affect things. Like it or not, people are physically attracted to their partner. And most are not attracted to overweight, from both the appearance aspect, and the health aspects that can arise. Of the couples I know, where one/both are overweight, they all were much slimmer when they met, and it's gradually happened. Of the four divorced couples I know, the 8 people in question, 5 have started new relationships. The other 3 that are definitely looking for someone but haven't found anyone, all 3 are overweight. Like it or not, this isn't coincidence. I'm sure someone will be along very soon to be hyper offended by this, and "love thy curves" and of course, yes, but it still doesn't change that it's a hindrance in the world of "meeting someone"

‘Massively’ affect things?