Fed up with family making comments about my weight

[Shareandtear]

I'm feeling really fed up and not sure what to do.

I am 5 foot 8 and a fairly solid size 14 - 16. I say solid because I'm fairly muscular, I suppose like a slightly chubby tennis player, if you get my drift! I suppose I would like to be 2 stone lighter. I do lots of walking and am out and about a lot, I suppose my portions are a bit big but not excessively so. I never eat in the evenings, have 3 meals a day etc.

Throughout my life I've had various members of my middle class family making comments about my weight. Sort of saying I'm too overweight, I should lose weight etc. Its happened again very recently and its really annoyed me. I would never comment on someone's body. It just perplexes me.

The most recent example was someone telling me I should lose weight for a family wedding. It has only really occurred to me this week that that is what was being said.

I'm feeling like distancing myself from these family members. At a maximum size 16 I dont feel really fat, just slightly muscular with a bit of chub on top.

Is it normal for people to family members to make such comments? It puts me off seeing them tbh. I am healthy. I feel that life shouldn't be about the way people look.

No it's not normal and it's total bollocks. It's their own issues that they're projecting onto you. Either shut them down by saying you're happy with your body/it's none of their business/it's rude to comment on other peoples bodies etc or just distance yourself from them. Don't put up with it.

Just wondering whether I am being over sensitive...

When you say it's only occurred to you this week that that's what's being said... do you mean they are subtle about it? Is it possible you've misunderstood what they meant, if it wasn't so obvious to start with? (I mean is it possible you're self conscious and are reading something in to what they said as a result?)

Forgive me, I'm not trying to suggest you're imagining it. Just wanted to get that possibility out of the way. It sounds from what you've said that this has been going on for years. Is it one person or multiple?

You're right, it's rude to comment on someone's body like that. When it happens do you feel ready to call them out on it, or better still to criticise them in response (assuming they aren't perfect) to see how they like it?

Frankly it's none of their business. I'm shorter than you, a size 16 and exercise a lot, so anyone saying that to me would get told to fuck off in no uncertain terms. Unless you're actively complaining about your body in front of them they can keep their thoughts to themselves.

No it shouldn't but so many feel the right to comment. Call them out on it, every time.
Be warned though, some are really thick skinned so being blunt may be necessary. I had to be really mean with an aunt to get her to register.
Aunty: You could stand to lose some weight. You could be so pretty if you did this.
Me: I'm not wildly keen on your jumper, Aunty. But I haven't made a comment because you obviously like it and saying something would be really rude.
Aunty: shuffles off

If your family love you and are concerned about your health, it’s understandable that they worry you will continue to gain weight. Or are they being unpleasant in the manner in which they discuss it with you?
There’s a big difference between gently encouraging you to address your health, and sneering at you for being fat.

I think it is done under the guise of health but deep down I think they mean it in the sense of vanity, of ''shareandtear won't look good in the wedding photos I will tell her she needs to lose weight."

Aunty: You could stand to lose some weight. You could be so pretty if you did this.
Me: I'm not wildly keen on your jumper, Aunty. But I haven't made a comment because you obviously like it and saying something would be really rude.

This is spot on. It’s very good and makes the point directly and without too much emotion.

It's just interesting to me that I've had it from my in laws, my dads side and my mums side at different times of my life. Its very unpleasant. I'm not fat!!

No
It’s not normal.
No
You are not ‘over sensitive’.

Tell them what you said here. And that your body and health and fitness are your business, you are an intelligent adult and can make your own choices, that their comments are not helpful and make visits unpleasant for you.

Be firm and clear.

They are bullies.

Thank you. I agree that it is bullying behaviour. I think it is disgusting tbh. I've had it from from maybe 6 or 7 different and separate family members over the years and it just makes me not want to bother with them again.

I think some people have different builds and I just happen to be on the slightly chunky side.

Layladomino sorry to answer your question... I've just realised re the wedding that they were subtly telling me to lose weight and it would be nice for the wedding. Eg I wasn't really acceptable how I was. I regret going to the wedding now.

Nice for the wedding pictures.

I’m sorry but you can’t not be fat at a size 16. No ones muscles are that big for your height!

Maybe if your saying your healthy and not fat, when your a size 16, they might think that you can’t see yourself just how unhealthy you are so trying to make you aware but it’s coming across as them picking on you?

Just seems funny it seems to be quite a fair few people. If a sister kept going on about how healthy it was to smoke, I’d be correcting her because I care about her, if she was going on about how healthy she was and how she’s not fat when she was I’d be letting her know she is so she can do something about it because I care about her.

How you understand what I’m trying to say, I’m not very good at explaining.

So many posts like this.

1. It's rude and they're unreasonable
2. There may be some truth or some good intentions but they're probably just rude and that's unreasonable.

Rainbowheart1 I've just checked and my body looks quite like Serena William's shape. Do you think serena is fat? Genuine question. I think she looks muscular but shapely.

In many clothes I'm a size 14. Sometimes 16 on the bottom or in a tight ish blouse.

Oh and I get told I'm too slim by overweight family members often. (I'm not, I'm a size 6/8 at 5"4.)

It works both ways.

Never discuss someone's weight unless invited to do so or if there's a genuine, well meant and necessary intervention.

@Shareandtear

Rainbowheart1 I've just checked and my body looks quite like Serena William's shape. Do you think serena is fat? Genuine question. I think she looks muscular but shapely.

cripes No.. she's athletic ..

When someone gets away with a negative comment.. the boundary has been pushed back.. then someone else chimes in.. they get away with it.. so the push farther and farther...

until its fully blown bullying and destroying your self worth..

I am so sorry you are experiencing this 🌸

@Shareandtear

Rainbowheart1 I've just checked and my body looks quite like Serena William's shape. Do you think serena is fat? Genuine question. I think she looks muscular but shapely.

I doubt you have the physique of an elite tennis player

But I do think your family are being dicks. Just don’t engage with them.

Yes, you are very probably fat. (I guarantee I'm fatter) but so fucking what? If you wanted to lose weight you know how to do it.
You should be very blunt.

If I decide I want to lose weight I will.

If I want your advice I know I can come to you and ask

You seem rather obsessed with my weight. You should probably see someone about that.

Will you just stfu about my weight. I get it. You think I'm an ugly pig bringing shame on the family

In order of increasing pissed off ness 😁

I just don't see any reason to bother about tiptoeing round people who are quite happy to say rude things to you. 🤷‍♀️

They are rude. I'd rather be a bit overweight than ignorant and judgemental. I can't imagine ever thinking it's OK to comment on someone's body like that. They must think very highly of themselves.

I doubt you have the physique of an elite tennis player

Seriously .......

why would you say this to someone who is dealing with having her body shape criticised ...