Fed up with family making comments about my weight

[Shareandtear]

I'm feeling really fed up and not sure what to do.

I am 5 foot 8 and a fairly solid size 14 - 16. I say solid because I'm fairly muscular, I suppose like a slightly chubby tennis player, if you get my drift! I suppose I would like to be 2 stone lighter. I do lots of walking and am out and about a lot, I suppose my portions are a bit big but not excessively so. I never eat in the evenings, have 3 meals a day etc.

Throughout my life I've had various members of my middle class family making comments about my weight. Sort of saying I'm too overweight, I should lose weight etc. Its happened again very recently and its really annoyed me. I would never comment on someone's body. It just perplexes me.

The most recent example was someone telling me I should lose weight for a family wedding. It has only really occurred to me this week that that is what was being said.

I'm feeling like distancing myself from these family members. At a maximum size 16 I dont feel really fat, just slightly muscular with a bit of chub on top.

Is it normal for people to family members to make such comments? It puts me off seeing them tbh. I am healthy. I feel that life shouldn't be about the way people look.

Bluntness in terms of shape I would say its not too dissimilar from serena's shape here ... but without the strong arms!! :)

A muscular shape is what I'm trying to get at....

@Shareandtear with all kindness
Stop trying to justify who you are , be you , be happy and live your best life
Everyone else can just fuck off

Thank you shareandtear I will!!!!!!!
Have a good Christmas!!

Thank you notlongtillxmas I will!! Have a great christmas!!!

@Shareandtear

I think I am 13.5 stone so yes quite heavy but muscular as well as a bit of fat and 5 foot 8.

Your bmi would put you at the top of the overweight section. I notice you are comparing yourself to serena, you are 10kgs heavier and a inch shorter. In real life I wouldn’t make these comments but I do have a friend who is in a similar place to you on the bmi chart who makes comments about weight all the time (I think she’s self conscious so attacks first) and there have been occasions where I have wanted to tell her to look in the mirror love. I noticed your snarky comment about smaller sizes, I’m easily a size 6, mid 30s and get IDed going into pubs/bars all the time. If you are coming off in person as you are here, I can see why they might be making the comments.

The principle should be to not comment on another’s weight/body unless invited to do so.

I recall fondly the day my dear dad was banging on to me about my appearance while driving us to do his shopping in Waitrose. (I was required for portering purposes.) He never let up, thinking he had a captive audience. He had to pull up at a red traffic light and I got out of the car and got on a bus home. His face!

He didn't do it again though.

So, @Shareandtear, it may be that walking out of the room every single time someone insults you is the way to go. And then go home, detach, whatever. You will either have to 'go no contact' (excuse the Kyle-ism) or train them.

My dad was a kind and generous man who sometimes misjudged when his opinion was required. Which was funny as one of his favourite sayings was, 'opinions are like arseholes: everybody's got one.'

Testingprof that's the point I dont talk about my weight in real life and I dont make comments about other people's appearances in real life.

The point is if we thought about it we could ALL make comments about each other which could be offensive or hurtful to the recipient. I could say, for example, what do you know you look like a school kid (you say you get id'd) and you might find that offensive!! If we are looking for things to point out or put someone down I'm sure we could look and all find them. But I don't and I never would that is the point.

I've said here many times I dont look like serena I have a muscular shape but am overweight by a few stone. I am also strong and can lift things very weak people might not be able to lift. I am able to get pregnant very easily. My skin on my face looks young for my age. There are advantages with my frame and structure but it is obviously not as socially acceptable as someone who is slimmer. However I dont bring attention to my body at all and I never talk about how anyone else looks. That's the point. If you friend does that is a different situation.

SpindleWorld thank you. I do get that but I've decided to take a break from the recent offender because I find the judgement / need to be rude to someone else so unpleasant I'd rather not bother with then tbh.

LOL @Testingprof

The principle should be to not comment on another’s weight/body unless invited to do so

And yet you felt the need to look up the OP’s stats and comment at length. When the OP has not asked about her weight, only about the behaviours of people commenting on weight.

Edgeofthesky it seems to be endemic!!

I am not in denial about my body. I can see it for what it is.

I have a mirror.

@Shareandtear

Rainbowheart1 I've just checked and my body looks quite like Serena William's shape. Do you think serena is fat? Genuine question. I think she looks muscular but shapely.

Serena Williams has an exceptional physique with almost no body fat. I doubt you look anything like Serena Williams. Because if you did people would be amazed at your physique.

I say this because I met Serena and she takes your breath away and that’s in a good way.

Buggritbuggrit thanks for the photos which illustrate well that clothes size alone doesn't indicate much.
OP, at 5ft 8 with a muscular build you aren't likely to be particularly fat but even if you were size 22 it would be rude of your family to keep commenting.

LemonTT I give up!!

Thanks for everyone who commented. I appreciate all the comments from people who got what I was trying to say and understood that as a more muscular slightly overweight woman in an upper class world I was struggling with bitchy comments. Thanks for confirming this isnt normal behaviour and isnt nice and is actually bullying which I always knew but nice to have that confirmation.

For all of those who misunderstood what I meant about the serena thing I meant a more muscular shape rather than just fat... oh well nevermind!!

Yep....my sister did the same to me (in a 30 minute lecture while we were walking her dogs). Admittedly I was overweight, eating junk, drinking to much. But I was also recovering from an abusive marriage. As far as I was concerned, looking after my mental health was more important at that point.

Anyway, it destroyed my relationship with her. We didn't talk for a long time, we do now but it's superficial.

Thank you Anonymouse poster - yes that is the point!! Its just rude full stop.

Lovemenot did your sister realise what she had done? Has she apologised? Sorry to hear that it has destroyed your relationship.

I think your size and who you might compare to are irrelevant. No one should be commenting on your appearance. Perhaps next time respond with "sorry, did you mean to be so rude?"

Op, don’t bother trying to justify yourself to those here who are deliberately misunderstanding your point and being all faux concerned. They can’t stand that you are not full of self-loathing because of your weight and that you are happy enough to carry on as you are. They’re either thin women who want to drag you down off your perch and deride you for having the affront to be happy instead of wishing to be just like them or else they’re fat women who are annoyed because you’re not engaged in attempts to lose weight.

@Shareandtear

Lovemenot did your sister realise what she had done? Has she apologised? Sorry to hear that it has destroyed your relationship.

No, it never dawned on her that it was none of her business, because in her mind she CARED about me. Her eventual apology was "I'm sorry...but...."

I have since lost all the weight and never once has she said well done. But sadly, as a result of her refusal to mind her own business, I simply don't trust her with my stuff anymore.

Well, although most of us agree that it is not nice to comment on weight (and for those who believe in ‘plain speaking’ ‘tough love’ ‘concern’ etc not effective) this thread demonstrates that it is quite normal for people to want to comment, and to comment at will.

OP: YANBU to deal with your relatives in whatever way suits you best. They deserve what they get. Good luck.

Sammylady37 I think you've nailed it actually. How dare I be happy and confident in myself whilst being a size 14-16!!! Surely I cant be happy being w stone overweight. Why I aren't I apologising for that? Why dont I hate myself? Am I not aware that I am unacceptable the size I am?

How can I be so unaware/ not superficial? It's strange in an overweight woman, no? How unusual.

Lovemenot I'm sorry and I know just how painful that is. Well done for recovering from your abusive marriage and well done for deciding to protect yourself, putting up boundaries and stepping away from that nonsense.

Where on earth is your DH when your ILs are being such fuckers to you? Has he told them to STFU yet?
Honestly, don't bother with these people. You sound nice and they don't. I don't care who is fat or thin. I want to hang with the nice person, not the fuckers.
My ILs are obsessed with their own weight. Watched their diets all their life. They are slim, well, FIL is underweight. They LOVE talking about it, while I (similar size to you, but flabbier) stare off into the middle distance.
I have a different problem in that I have just embarked upon a very quiet, private weight loss programme. JUST FOR ME. So I feel better.
I imagine, in a month or two, this will become obvious and they will comment and want to praise me and ask me in detail about it. I do not want this. I want my privacy and to enjoy my relationship with them without being saddened by the thought that they are considering how I look rather than my company. Which is sad after 29 years.