Fed up with family making comments about my weight

[Shareandtear]

I'm feeling really fed up and not sure what to do.

I am 5 foot 8 and a fairly solid size 14 - 16. I say solid because I'm fairly muscular, I suppose like a slightly chubby tennis player, if you get my drift! I suppose I would like to be 2 stone lighter. I do lots of walking and am out and about a lot, I suppose my portions are a bit big but not excessively so. I never eat in the evenings, have 3 meals a day etc.

Throughout my life I've had various members of my middle class family making comments about my weight. Sort of saying I'm too overweight, I should lose weight etc. Its happened again very recently and its really annoyed me. I would never comment on someone's body. It just perplexes me.

The most recent example was someone telling me I should lose weight for a family wedding. It has only really occurred to me this week that that is what was being said.

I'm feeling like distancing myself from these family members. At a maximum size 16 I dont feel really fat, just slightly muscular with a bit of chub on top.

Is it normal for people to family members to make such comments? It puts me off seeing them tbh. I am healthy. I feel that life shouldn't be about the way people look.

I do think it is sadly true that women who are perceived as being overweight are seen as fair game. Being fat is seen as a deviation from the ideal.

I rather imagine it's similar for men, although I don't know that the dynamics would play out the same because of different social constructions of femininity and masculinity and perceived deviations from each, iyswim.

These are attitudes that are now ingrained in capitalist cultures, for all sorts of reasons. To some degree, 'health concerns' is a huge distraction.

And as OP says, we've all got a mirror. The vast majority of people know what they look like.

HotSauceCommittee my ILs are vile bullies anyway!! They have tried to bully me in lots of different ways. I feel sorry for them tbh, that venom can't be good for their insides!! My DH knows they are horrible but he has had it his whole life and doesn't engage with their behaviour. I dont see my ILs anymore I look forward to the time off 2when he takes the kids over there!! If they start on my kids they wont ve going anymore, obvs.

Thank you, yes I agree so much nicer to be around nice people. Its very sad that people feel the need to tear each other down and very often someone's weight seems to be 'fair game.'

Hotsaucecommittee have you thought about how you are going to respond to the 'compliments'you know will be coming? Maybe a 'I've always been happy tbh, its never been based on my size' sort of thing 'thanks for noticing... luckily my heart is still big which is the most important thing'....

SpindleWorld I know, right. The health argument is a distraction. Starving yourself or mental health issues coming from obsessing about not eating seem to be a much more acceptable health issue but I would argue as dangerous as being 2 stone overweight.

Shareandtear, I know they think being overweight is really bad for you, which it is, and they would point out at length the health aspects so I think I will just say, "well, it is a bit embarrassing for me", because they do have hearts and it should quieten them. It's bloody boring talking about weight is what I really want to say to them, or if I really wanted to make them cringe I would say something along the lines of being valued for me and how I was hurt and surprised my appearance was such an issue to them after all this time. I do love them (and I know they love me) so I'd keep that last one in reserve for an extreme situation.

Hotsaucecommittee you know best yes do whatever feels comfortable for you but dont let them speak down to you about it. Weight is such a personal thing and shouldn't be up for discussion. You should be valued / appreciated for who you are.

@EdgeOfTheSky

LOL *@Testingprof*

The principle should be to not comment on another’s weight/body unless invited to do so

And yet you felt the need to look up the OP’s stats and comment at length. When the OP has not asked about her weight, only about the behaviours of people commenting on weight.

Only after reading comments on how size 6/8 makes you look old. The principle is don’t comment but if you do comment someone will come back and comment.

Testingprof why is it okay for someone who looks older than their age to say to someone else they need to lose weight but not okay for the recipient to make the point THAT IT IS OFFENSIVE to say back to that person they have a lot of wrinkles for their age. In my mind they are both about passing judgement and commenting on how someone looks.

I was saying that would be the equivalent judgemental comment back to the relative. And I don't think they would appreciate it.

I used to worry about whether other people judged me on my size. I'm a 14. And about your height OP.

My mum has always thought it ok to comment on other people's weight and appearance, as a value judgement on how good a person they are. That screwed me up a lot for a long time. Particularly as she is overweight and incredibly anxious about other people's opinion.

Add to that the fact I'm a good 6 inches taller than my slim SIL and my MIL was slim and well dressed. I told myself that I looked like a giant dressed from the remnants of a jumble sale in comparison to them.

And then (with some introspection, counselling, and a desire to just stop hating myself and how I looked all the time) I realised that it doesn't matter what I think others think about me, nor what other people actually think about me.

Unless someone is actually living inside my body, they don't get a vote on how I look.

I've had the odd comment from my parents in the last few years - both in terms of losing or gaining weight - and I've merrily ignored them. Because it just doesn't actually matter.

So OP, carry on being happy being you. You're fit and active and happy with yourself. The opinions of other people on your body aren't relevant and if they do express them to you, it's rude. You aren't oversensitive @Shareandtear , they are rude.

And the other posters here who are expressing an opinion on you, your health and your body, they aren't doing it to be kind or caring. And their opinion and comments genuinely don't matter a jot.

@Shareandtear I had to start skimming the comments around p4, but wanted to share my experience. My Mum’s family are all tiny and my Mum was a ballerina; I take after my Dad’s side and am just really stocky. I actually struggled to get support for anorexia because I was within the ‘healthy’ BMI range - hadn’t had a period for a year at that point!

My Mum and her family commented on my weight all the time when I was 14-15 because it was completely alien to them. I’m a bit fat now but at the time I was a competitive swimmer and skier; I was told I could go pro. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my body. But I spent two years starving myself to look right. I’m only now really starting to love my body again.

ParishSpinster thank you your post means a lot. I think it's such a shame that women are doing this to other women. Like I said earlier, I've had lots of different women from different parts of the family doing this and saying this stuff.

It seems to be so ingrained in womens' subconsciouses that they are almost trained to do it. I think there is definitely an element of she is too happy and content within herself to be the size she is, let's piss all over her bonfire. I've realised that and that's what I was coming on here to clarify. It's interesting there has been some of that same snideness from others on this thread... that I am nearly obese and deluded... in denial.... etc. But you are right- I'm active and I know what I am, how much i weigh and what i look like and all of that is only up to me.

In real life I do pity the next person who decides to have a go!!!!!!! They are going to get it right back at them!! And then some.

@Buggritbuggrit

Also, *@Rainbowheart1* Not that it matters, but all the women in this photo are a size 16. Heightwise, OP would be somewhere between the last two. I don’t think most people would consider that to be fat.

I think this picture does a good enough job to emphasise that dress size doesn't determine your shape. There are so many other factors.

I think this photo could also be improved with some diversity. Including black women, East Asian and more would highlight variety of body shapes that exist in the world that all have fit into the same off-the-peg sizing values.

Slothkin I'm so sorry to hear your story and please keep working on yourself to find that place of love and acceptance. I feel even sadder for you because obviously you have worked so hard to be fit and have done so much training over the years. It's just not on. Please take the healthy route from now on as you are. Sending love to you.

@Rainbowheart1

I’m sorry but you can’t not be fat at a size 16. No ones muscles are that big for your height!

Maybe if your saying your healthy and not fat, when your a size 16, they might think that you can’t see yourself just how unhealthy you are so trying to make you aware but it’s coming across as them picking on you?

Just seems funny it seems to be quite a fair few people. If a sister kept going on about how healthy it was to smoke, I’d be correcting her because I care about her, if she was going on about how healthy she was and how she’s not fat when she was I’d be letting her know she is so she can do something about it because I care about her.

How you understand what I’m trying to say, I’m not very good at explaining.

At 5 foot 9 with a really really massive rib cage that I can see and feel, and tiny c cup boobs, I am a size 16 and not fat. Hope that helps

Hmm yes, the old "I'm only thinking of your health" routine.

Funny, but that apparent global concern about other people's health doesn't extend to, say, their mental health, or commenting on smoking, or a diet high in saturated fat or sitting down for long periods of time. Those don't attract this free-for-all passing of judgement. So to say it's just from concern about your health is balls.

I personally think they're most offended by your temerity in not being cowed and saddened by your apparent failing. Good grief, how dare you not loathe yourself. Women should be small and thin, they can't possibly be happy if they're not.

I agree.... I think you sound great @Shareandtear ☺️

@SpindleWorld

I recall fondly the day my dear dad was banging on to me about my appearance while driving us to do his shopping in Waitrose. (I was required for portering purposes.) He never let up, thinking he had a captive audience. He had to pull up at a red traffic light and I got out of the car and got on a bus home. His face!

LOVE this! You made your point extremely clearly without having to raise your voice. I used to have a father (not at all a "dear dad" who thought, because I was a captive in his car he could say anything hurtful or manipulative to me. I wish I'd been brave enough to do what you did. 🌹

SpindleWorld quite, well done!! Getting out of the car was the best statement you could have made.

I'm going to have to be quicker on my feet in the future so I dont go into shock mode when a comment comes again!!

I was once told by a very very close relative that I couldn't come to her wedding because I was too ugly - I was 17 at the time.
I didn't go - wouldn't want to spoil the photos with my ugly mug dontcha know.

At the time it hurt a lot (more so that no one stood up for me). But as a now much much older person I can see they are the one with the problem. I think people who fixate on what others look like must be very insecure themselves, it isn't normal.

I'd contemplate giving the wedding a miss, I certainly wouldn't try to lose weight for it (in fact I might turn up in a sumo suit just to be contrary)

You don't sound fat at all to me, and you also sound quite at ease in your own skin, which is great. If you look anything like Serena you must look fabulous she has an incredible athletic body, she's an absolutely gorgeous woman.

Thank you - I’m training with a MMA instructor now! I have ridiculously scabby knees from handstand practice right now 😂

Thanks AmyDudley and sorry to similar has happened to you what a thing to say to a 17 year old. Disgusting. I dont look like serena unfortunately but I was trying to point our I was muscular rather than just fat!!

It's very odd to care what other people look like isnt it. For the record, I get my hair done regularly, am a bit of a perfumeholic so like to think I smell nice,... like buying clothes.... so not a total scruffbag. I am beginning to think the weight has been used to chastise me in some way. A stick to beat me with if you will. By some of the posher / richer ladies in my family who obviously think I am beneath them. It's actually very offensive if you really think about it!!

Some of the comments on here are ridiculous. Asking for her bmi etc. Even if she is over weight her family shouldn't be commenting and neither should some randoms over the Internet be telling her to. She didn't ask for weight advice!!

HIlouise1702 thank you yes ridiculous. Fat shaming is everywhere!!! Not lol.

I wouldn't mind but I never think too much about what people look like and I certainly never comment about anyone else's appearance as I've said!

What can you do, eh?

My Mum and Dad are incredibly supportive these days - they were genuinely worried about me because their image of a healthy weight was based on very slim dancers, gymnasts etc. - when I’m very fit I am stacked. It’s just how I’m built! And an hour of swimming a day is going to build muscle (I was training to free dive at the time, so I wasn’t just bobbing along - much more my speed these days!).

Slothkin sounds amazing good for you.

I do think things are changing at a societal level in the sense we are being shown different body types etc. Obviously no one is championing obesity. However I would like people to realise it is inappropriate to comment on someone's weight / body / appearance and that the recipient may distance themselves from you if you do make said comments.

OP you don’t have to justify your body to them or anybody here . Doesn’t matter if your slim muscular or chubby .
They are rude as fuck .
Yes to what someone said above about those commenting about ‘ we only care about your health ‘ when they make comments about problems weight don’t seem to care less about their mental health
I also notice it’s usually very unattractive people who feel the need to pass judgements on women’s weight . I know my in laws have always been very slim women but somewhat lacking in what would be considered attractive features ie they have masculine faces , weathered skin that they don’t care for and unflattering hair styles . They rely almost entirely on the fact they are slim to feel validated as ‘ attractive women’ and consequently use it as a point to tear apart other women who are not slim
Now never in a million years have I considered saying ‘ have you considered a more flattering haircut or good skincare ‘ ( a full face rubber mask???) never , but they have no qualms with mentioning weight whether mine or any other woman . A lot of their conversations revolve around whether other women in the family ‘ have lost weight yet ‘
Noticing is one thing but actually saying stuff and making the person feel self conscious - disgusting .