Feeling absolutely invisible as an ‘older’ single woman

[SwordfromtheStone]

I’m late 40s, not tall or slim or particularly glamorous but I think I scrub up ok. I’m divorced and reasonably happy on my own but I would like to meet someone new at some point.

I just don’t know how though! OLD is an absolute disaster so I was pinning my hopes on real life but since we’ve been able to get out more I’m just not having any luck. It feels like nobody even notices me. The final straw was being out with a crowd last night in a busy pub with a band on. Lots of drink flowing and everyone chatting to strangers. My 2 friends - slightly younger but more importantly ticking the boxes of thin and blonde - seemed to be fighting the men off while not a single person even spoke to me. It’s just so depressing and disheartening.

I knew appearing invisible as you get older was a thing but I hadn’t experienced it before and it’s horrible. How the hell will I ever meet anyone if both online and real life are so hard? 🙁

Make yourself visible? Dress extreme, talk loud, be animated, joke? I have to force it sometimes, but my mantra is that I will just NOT accept invisibility.

Hmmm, do you speak to them? Are you engaging with people? The way you wrote that is like you feel they should come to you. Engaging is a two way thing.

If it makes you feel any better op my friend is in her 40's def not invisible or waif like but still meets absolute dickheads every single time.

I'm slightly older than you. here's how some of my friends have men men lately.
#1 Sold a table on ebay. The guy who came round for it touched her arm for slightly longer than necessary. They got chatting.
#2 Went to a local lake alone and asked someone for directions
#3 Went to the theatre alone. A guy got chatting to her when she got a drink in the break.

Maybe do more things that don't involve a firewall of younger, slimmer blondes?

I would keep going out to as many different places as possible.

I would imagine that many late 40s men looking to meet someone just wouldn't bother trying to pull in a busy pub with a band.

I know what you mean but I'm not going to let it diminish me. I've ''ring fenced'' things that spark joy that do not require a man. I am working on being braver, going places alone, a number of books I want to read on the subject of stepping out of one's comfort zone, bravery, Dr Maureen Gaffney has a new book out on middle age (it's a positive book).

I'm 51 and feel that dating and love is over for me and I just want to accept that and channel energy in to being braver, getting more out of life, pushing myself to go places. What I do not want is to waste the next decade trying to get some random fairly mediocre man to get out of the sweet shop (on line) and commit to me.

And that's no criticism of mediocrity. I'm probably not all that special myself but do I have to be?

I know I'm sitting in bed as I type this so it strikes me that I might be all talk, but I suppose my mindset is to attract LIFE not a man.

Go out with even older ladies that way youre the 'hot young thing' by comparison

Go out alone. It works.

I am married, I have had nights out with daughter in law (married) and step daughter (single). Myself and DIL often end up in conversations with men whilst SD is mostly on the sidelines looking self conscious and awkward. (I am on the wrong side of 50!) Do you think you are giving off the wrong vibes? Are you relaxed and comfortable in these situations? Do you approach men?
Years ago in my single days I met a man at a carwash, I met a couple of men walking the dog and once upon a time I was sent a gift voucher and a card at xmas by an anoymous male. (I never discovered his identity). I think you might need to make yourself appear more receptive and available in less obvious situations. Good Luck. There must be men out there thinking exactly the same as you.

What I do not want is to waste the next decade trying to get some random fairly mediocre man to get out of the sweet shop (on line) and commit to me.

LOVE this!

I get it OP, I often wonder what I would do if DH wasn’t around. I would hate to grow old without a companion but I would hate to do the dating scene again at my age. On a normal day to day basis I quite like being invisible. I don’t get any unwanted attention from men. I often see young women dealing with that and think thank god that’s not me anymore. I can go about my daily business without being harassed by men like I did when I was young. Most of the time I see it as a bonus! Do you have any hobbies or interests? Can you join any clubs or classes? How about walking or cycling groups? Common interests is a good way to meet people, You tend to me a bit more like minded.

Tits and hair

@Flowers500

Tits and hair

10% a joke but 90% serious. You need to be warm, confident and engaging, you need to highlight the assets you have, and you need a banging good blow dry. Set out to enjoy yourself and anything else is a plus.

You say not a single person spoke to you, but did you try speaking to anyone?

I did OLD in my late 40s but I approached it looking for people I was interested in as people. So only talked to men who were interesting and who I would happily be friends with. Didn't date many people. I went on less than 10 dates and had 2 short relationships and my now relationship.

My friends and I are late 40s, early 50s and some look a lot younger and some older. Main difference is weight and style. Short hair and old fashioned clothes are ageing in my opinion. Having said that, I am not attracted to looks, just personality so I don't think it matters except for maybe confidence and self worth.

But I think you need to be yourself to attract the right person for you. Value yourself and think about all the wonderful things about you and why someone would be lucky to be with you.

Ok — I work in music - get yourself to a Prog rock gig— someone like say Nick masons sauceful of secrets or Procol Harum— hang around the bar at interval— wall to wall late 40s and 50 something guys— plus some who are older than that. If my H goes to toilet I am inevitably ‘hit on’

And I am blonde but Late 50s and not slim!!

You're putting an awful lot of stock into tall and blonde.
I'd wager it's more to do with people getting out there and saying hello to others.
If you stood at the back waiting to be approached whilst they were at the front bumping into people and saying hi... That'll be more to do with it than hair colour and height.

Are you making the mistake of thinking the only way to meet someone is online or down the pub?

Get out and make your single life amazing. Do a course, join a group, volunteer yourself in a field you find fascinating, explore your area via organised tours and walks.

DO THINGS. You will either find yourself too busy having fun to have time for a relationship, or meeting someone who has an interest in common with you. Focus on you.

Make yourself visible. You know how.

@Flowers500

Tits and hair

This is a curse more than a blessing - definitely attracts the wrong kind of guy! I've struggled with this all my life, and even now. I'm early 40s and divorced and this year started trying OLD. My hair isn't that great, but long and an unusual colour (auburn) and I've an hourglass shape with big norks. It's been utterly depressing to get a lot of matches who are all just after a quick shag; and I seriously think there's a huge discrepancy between how I'm perceived based on looks and how I really am (quiet, nerdy, sensitive). Doesn't help with your invisibility problem, but just wanted to show that even those who do get noticed might not be on the winning side here.

Waiting to be approached obviously isn’t working for you, so you might want to think about being braver & more proactive and be the one doing the approaching. Send out clear unmistakable signals which say ‘I’m single & available’, eg no rings on your left hand, be smiley & flirty, touch their arms, maybe show a little bit of cleavage, maybe even dye your hair blonde.

E11en, totally agree. I've got to be honest, I know so few women in happy relationships that if ( God forbid) I ever am single again, I just wouldnt bother. I had a widowed friend who met a man, much later in life- he turned out to be a real nasty, controlling piece of work, but hid it from her family who were convinced he was wonderful. Ive known 2-3 women this has happened to. Older men are usually looking for a housekeeper or a 'nurse with a purse'. One thing, you will never usually meet decent men in a pub, unfortunately my own experience is pubs attract some strange folk. Better to join a class or keep fit place, then you have more chance of meeting a person who you actually have something in common with. Sadly, in pubs/nightclubs you meet more opportunists or one night stand merchants.

I agree if you want to get noticed when out yes there are "some outfits" which make the difference?

Eg red, fitted dress, big hair, pencil skirt, knee boots...Coat with a tie round the middle....wedges. Wrap dress. Glasses as in on your nose. Fitted trousers tucked into knee boots. Nothing floaty or patterny or too arty or bohemian or vintage.

Colours: red or black or dramatic coloured, not prints or patterns.

It's entirely up to you whether or not you think this is attention which you want or not! But it is controllable.

You wouldn’t want a guy that easily chats up young blonde women in a pub. At least I wouldn’t. I’d be wondering what he did on his lads nights out in the pub without me!

I feel your pain though. Where do the nice, normal, solvent, non-pervy guys hang out? Perhaps I will venture to wherever that is at some point. Clubs or associations would be my bet. Then you have stuff in common. That would be my first choice. If I do anything. Prob next year and a walking club or something for me.