Feeling absolutely invisible as an ‘older’ single woman

[SwordfromtheStone]

I’m late 40s, not tall or slim or particularly glamorous but I think I scrub up ok. I’m divorced and reasonably happy on my own but I would like to meet someone new at some point.

I just don’t know how though! OLD is an absolute disaster so I was pinning my hopes on real life but since we’ve been able to get out more I’m just not having any luck. It feels like nobody even notices me. The final straw was being out with a crowd last night in a busy pub with a band on. Lots of drink flowing and everyone chatting to strangers. My 2 friends - slightly younger but more importantly ticking the boxes of thin and blonde - seemed to be fighting the men off while not a single person even spoke to me. It’s just so depressing and disheartening.

I knew appearing invisible as you get older was a thing but I hadn’t experienced it before and it’s horrible. How the hell will I ever meet anyone if both online and real life are so hard? 🙁

@seensome

When your friends are in the loo just wave them over Although as a former young slim blonde most of men that approached me in the bars were already in a relationship and didn't really care about telling me, not the best places to a find a relationship IMO

Yes, quite. If you hang around places where men who like to pull in bars hang around, you can expect a certain kind of man.

Same as if you hang around a running club, you'll meet a higher proportion of health conscious men, and if you hang around philosophy clubs, you'll meet a higher proportion of intelligent men.

From my own experiance, the best relationships l have had were those that happened effortlessly. I am a strong believer that if someone is meant to be in your life they will appear.
So my advice would be don't change yourself to fit someone else's mould. Men aren't hung up on how they look at this stage of their lives, they don't put in nowhere near the amount of time and effort women do to try and attract a partner.

Men are very basic. They want young, blonde, slim, big tits

Wow, that’s like saying all women only want tall, rich & handsome men,

Unfortunately, there are only so many of us to go around 😂😂

But men are human! I might have David Gilmour circa 1972 as my free pass but I'm more than capable of being attracted to a wide range of looks and personalities #slapper and judging by my bedpost I would say most men are the same...

What I would say is that I am quite direct. If I'm interested in a man he won't have to guess about it, and I'll probably be the one to ask him out. Unsurprisingly this gets results.

Make eyes. Men notice if they are being watched and smiled at.

@JustAnother0ldMan

Men are very basic. They want young, blonde, slim, big tits

Wow, that’s like saying all women only want tall, rich & handsome men,

Unfortunately, there are only so many of us to go around 😂😂

I'm short, dark haired (over the grey!) Quite old, bit of a tummy, decent ish figure. Solvent, just. Husband is tall, grey, overweight with a dazzling smile. Comfortable but by no means weathy. A fair bit of baggage between us, but we are a great team, bit saucy when we get ourselves revved up, eat a lot, laugh a lot, indulge our hobbies (cycling and dogs, mainly) spend time (but not too much) with our aged parents and adult children.

There is so much more to like than looks and money, we think.

@GoWalkabout

Make eyes. Men notice if they are being watched and smiled at.

This is also true.

Try a litter picking group

Fair enough and a friend of mine does this. But I still had to smile at Goodnights suggestion.

Didn’t Marilyn Monroe sing (in Diamonds are a girls Best Friend song) - 🎵 And we all lose our charms in the end” 🎵. Same goes for men too to a large extent.

But do agree, most men seem quite basic : young, slimmish, blonde is what counts …

@florasteddy but you're in the relationship already.
If you split up your husband could be on line asking out women ten years younger than yourself and they'd be so ground down by the men twenty years older sending them messages that they'd consider responding.

After 50 there's no point looking for a relationship. If it happens it happens but trying to make it happen is miserable.

[quote E11en]@florasteddy but you're in the relationship already.
If you split up your husband could be on line asking out women ten years younger than yourself and they'd be so ground down by the men twenty years older sending them messages that they'd consider responding.

After 50 there's no point looking for a relationship. If it happens it happens but trying to make it happen is miserable.[/quote]
I met him when we were mid forties. I posted upthread.
I was trying to be reassuring that we're not all out to snag a young hottie, whether male of female.
I like @JustAnother0ldMan's sense of humour, having 'met' him on previous threads.

I'm mid 40s now, married. I have seen friends and colleagues around me divorce and find new (decent) partners.

Of the new relationships, I'd say that most of them are borne out of hobbies -cycling, running, gardening and even scuba diving. Only one set that I know of were successful through OLD.

The other thing seems to be that in all of the couples I know, who've found new relationships after 45, all the male partners are older...maybe around 5 years older. Might be coincidence...but if I were doing OLD now I'd probably assume that the 45 year old men were looking for women under 40, and I'd set my search to 50-55. But I think I'd prefer the getting out there, living my life and engaging with hobbies while being open to something now rather than OLD. It was soul destroying enough in my early 30s.

I agree Ellen. Neither men nor women are ‘Love’s Young Dream’ after a certain age. The time for the Big Romance has most likely gone. There are exceptions, but in a minority. It is sad in a way for the deeply romantic among us. However hanging out with some random bloke who is not interesting, fun, kind and attractive has never seemed less likely —whereas previously my hormones and immaturity made me go out with all sorts—

But there are compensations I believe …. Mother Nature probably wants us to find some other things with our time and energy….

I don’t think you should give up on OLD. Just see it as an add on to your already great life.
Leave a profile up..don’t bother contacting anyone and let it take its course. You only need one great date with one great man to change things. You might meet him this year or next. Try not to get depressed (I know OLD is depressing)

I'm nearly 50, perfectly happy being single.
I wear bright clothes and odd t shirts because it's what I want. I'm overweight and wear glasses.
The other day I was having a chat with staff in my local corner shop and an older dude decided to come in the shop and started talking to me. He didn't buy anything.
Maybe you could try that
I also seem to attract weirdos. I'm thinking of wearing shades and a hat or earphones so people leave me alone.

@Crikeyalmighty

Ok — I work in music - get yourself to a Prog rock gig— someone like say Nick masons sauceful of secrets or Procol Harum— hang around the bar at interval— wall to wall late 40s and 50 something guys— plus some who are older than that. If my H goes to toilet I am inevitably ‘hit on’

Oh you are good this made me smile .....

I am married but have pulled (unintentionally!) loads of blokes dog walking. I am the wrong side of 50 but pretty chatty.

I think if you really want to meet someone, go all out now as when you get to your 50s it’s even harder, sorry to say.

I had a lot of interest when I divorced late 40s and made a big effort with my appearance.

Now I’m 8 years older, post lockdown hair and weight and the calibre of men in my age group is not good!

As women get older, their dating pool gets smaller and smaller.
As men get older, their dating pool just gets bigger and bigger.

Is online dating just pics of you with cleavage and a pout??
My DS happened to have a photo up of him with a friends dog he was watching for them, it might have been a ploy. I think that helped.
If I was looking for someone OLD I'd have a picture of me next to my car/ or my son's more interesting car / I'd take a pic of me at the top of a mountain / high hill as if I like hill walking ( I do but not too high) / playing cards (,might find a bridge player)/ gardening ./ cooking (that's bound to attract men).

It's a stereotype, but men do seem to go for blondes! At my gym, there's an attractive blonde woman, mid 40s, petite, great figure, the men fall over themselves to stand next to her in Body Pump classes! It's quite funny actually to watch. She seems lovely and just gently bats them away. On the others hand, I'm taller (5'7) with dark red hair, men always seem very wary of me and rarely approach me! To be fair, I'm not interested though so probably give out 'fuck off!' vibes.

isn’t it a bit pathetic though, Tabitha? Such a lack of imagination on the men’s part: are they dull as dishwater, up themselves, or just genetically or culturally programmed? I wonder what the ‘petite blonde’ thinks (probably lucky me or ‘yh whatever’).

now

I’m afraid

This thread is so bleak!

Most women aren't blond and tall (or petite!), yet many of them have managed to meet someone, without trying to fit into a mould.

Get out there and be yourself! The best version of yourself, yes, but not somebody else entirely.

There are loads of nice men also trying to be themselves, and they are the diamonds to look for. They may seem shy/ a little eccentric etc but they are the keepers. Get to know those ones, not the ones pulling in clubs...

Maybe a little bleak Notash …

But we speak as we ‘observe’ or find ….

Many exceptions of course, but with age, less so probably…..