Feeling absolutely invisible as an ‘older’ single woman

[SwordfromtheStone]

I’m late 40s, not tall or slim or particularly glamorous but I think I scrub up ok. I’m divorced and reasonably happy on my own but I would like to meet someone new at some point.

I just don’t know how though! OLD is an absolute disaster so I was pinning my hopes on real life but since we’ve been able to get out more I’m just not having any luck. It feels like nobody even notices me. The final straw was being out with a crowd last night in a busy pub with a band on. Lots of drink flowing and everyone chatting to strangers. My 2 friends - slightly younger but more importantly ticking the boxes of thin and blonde - seemed to be fighting the men off while not a single person even spoke to me. It’s just so depressing and disheartening.

I knew appearing invisible as you get older was a thing but I hadn’t experienced it before and it’s horrible. How the hell will I ever meet anyone if both online and real life are so hard? 🙁

Are you joking? Unless they're rich and/or successful, older men are at the bottom of the dating food chain in my experience.

Can someone please point me in the direction of the nearest scrap heap, and you had best get out of the way as I’m about to Fosbury Flop my way on to it

@User135644

Are you joking? Unless they're rich and/or successful, older men are at the bottom of the dating food chain in my experience.

She's presumably talking about successful men. It's more common for a 40s man who earns good money and is in good shape to be with a woman 10-15 years younger, than it is for a woman to be with a much younger man.

The average bloke who is balding, overweight and doesn't earn much money will always have less options than the average woman of the same age. Although this might flip at a very old age as men die younger.

Lots of social reasons for that and it’s onky very recently in historical terms been acceptable for older women to have much younger partners It’s changing The OP is fortunate that men who are concerned with having someone younger will naturally eliminate themselves . This opens more pathways for her to have the right man enter her life

@JustAnother0ldMan

Are you joking? Unless they're rich and/or successful, older men are at the bottom of the dating food chain in my experience.

Can someone please point me in the direction of the nearest scrap heap, and you had best get out of the way as I’m about to Fosbury Flop my way on to it

Don’t worry you’ll be fine This is the message society has been giving older women since the day for and we are still here . Living and living

Living and loving

And even being rich couldn’t help older women as men wernt so interest in ‘ resources ‘ they wanted youth or so women were told
Many people are chowing not to but into these narratives anymore . Yes there will be men who want younger and those that care about superficial things above all else but they are white noise if you are looking to meet someone on your same wavelength with similar values

Other male dominated sports like rugby or football where a club may have 1 token 'senior' female team but is otherwise teeming with men and there's usually a whole community and lifestyle built around it. Many separated and divorced men join in later life to rebuild their social circle.

Slightly off topic, but from my experience the women's teams down rugby clubs are anything but token, they train just as hard as the men.

@Bluntness100

Hmmm, do you speak to them? Are you engaging with people? The way you wrote that is like you feel they should come to you. Engaging is a two way thing.

True!!! MIL chats with EVERYONE! And I have witnessed one possible either joboffer or relationship not that she was interested in any of the options

@MyCatDribbles

I would say that volunteering and book clubs are typically female things to do so you might struggle to meet guys doing these things. Joining physical activity clubs are good, also have you looked at “meet-up” as a website? There’s loads of options there for get togethers with strangers

Not necessarily so, I have a Y chromosome but belong to a book club, and a walking group. I also volunteer. Numbers are about 50/50, male/female. The thing is, I'm a bit shy and as the turnover in the groups is reasonably high I'm not up to quizzing each new woman on her relationship status or if she'd be up for a FWB! Despite the drawbacks of OLD, at least you know the other man/woman is looking for something, and you can match your gender preferences. As for the skinny blondes with big boobs and pout trouts, avoid where they cluster! personally to me that look is deeply unattractive.

Top username BTW.

Despite the drawbacks of OLD, at least you know the other man/woman is looking for something, and you can match your gender preferences.

I guess I hoped OLD would be like that - little did I know!

I agree it's hard to know if people irl are in the position/want to date - not everyone wears a wedding ring and even if they are single they may not wish to be approached. Single life is a real minefield sometimes.

@JustAnother0ldMan

Are you joking? Unless they're rich and/or successful, older men are at the bottom of the dating food chain in my experience.

Can someone please point me in the direction of the nearest scrap heap, and you had best get out of the way as I’m about to Fosbury Flop my way on to it

There are exceptions of course. I just think the idea that older men are running round having their pick of women of all ages, while older women are competing with young ones for their attention, bares no resemblance to my experience 'in the field' and is actually quite harmful. As long as we maintain the myth that men are short supply high value, women will feel they have to try harder than they should, and settle for less than they deserve.

Hear. Hear

I'm above average height with black hair and never had a problem attracting men so the petite blonde thing isn't always true.Im fairly confident though and when I was single never had a problem approaching a man if he looked nice rather than waiting for someone to approach me.

SwordfromtheStone - like your name! With that chutzpah you should be fighting them off!

Reading your original post, re the music club, I am reminded of a line in an Elvis Costello song "You do something very special to Mr Average" - and thats part of it I think. If you dress the part, kinda bland flirty sexy-rock-chick I guess you will get attention at (almost) any age. But if that's not your style or persona, it seems a bit weird to do that .

If you do continue with OLD (I agree I found it dire and gave up but I'm more than 10 years older than you) you could still keep a hand in. Just keep your standards HIGH whatever happens!

I just think the idea that older men are running round having their pick of women of all ages, while older women are competing with young ones for their attention, bares no resemblance to my experience 'in the field'

I would agree with this, I can’t imagine why any woman under 40 would even look at me twice, let alone consider any kind of ‘romantic’ connection, that’s just total bollocks really.
I am absolutely looking for an age appropriate person, if I saw the OP at a gig I probably would try to approach her, sounds like my kinda person

Love Elvis Costello!

I used to think of myself as a bit of a rock chick and quite flirty but a bad breakup and the aforementioned online idiots seem to have destroyed my confidence and I just feel slightly sad and desperate dressing for or trying to attract attention.

I realise this does probably come across whereas those of you who are fighting them off are probably more comfortable with yourselves and that shows.

Maybe Sword. A more chilled 'I'm happy and cool and "I'm All That" too', might be part of the attraction! Sorry, not dissing the RockChick look especially if its who you are. Maybe you want something different now and that is communicating itself to the men at the bar who don't want that its too complicated for them.

If you've changed I think the thing is to go for whats more suited now.
To communicate that more, not less, to get what you want. There's no guarantee you'll get it of course, but at least you are being your authentic self along-the-way. (But pretending to be something you're not to get something you don't want seems pointless of course. And I bet those barflys circling your friends would have been as dull as dishes for you).

Yes, Mr Elvis Mark 2, he seems rather forgotten these days. But album 'Imperial Bedroom' was a Masterpiece !!!!!

My lighthearted advice would be to lose the slim blonde friends, forget meeting anyone in pubs and continue being happy in your own skin and doing things that you enjoy.

I am in my 50s, single, no oil painting and overweight. I am cheerful and friendly and not looking for a boyfriend. Nevertheless I have been asked out by a number of men randomly in real life.

@SwordfromtheStone

Love Elvis Costello!

I used to think of myself as a bit of a rock chick and quite flirty but a bad breakup and the aforementioned online idiots seem to have destroyed my confidence and I just feel slightly sad and desperate dressing for or trying to attract attention.

I realise this does probably come across whereas those of you who are fighting them off are probably more comfortable with yourselves and that shows.

Do you have a mental picture of what hot/attractive you would look like? What you would wear and how your hair and make up would be? I think it's important to identify that because you absolutely need to own the look to feel comfortable and confident. Picture your best you and ease into it over time if it feels daft to go all out at once. Then when you're feeling the best you can, you need to be proactive. If you stand there waiting to be approached, you will end up potentially wasting the evening on someone who wants you, rather than someone you want. Identify your target and smile, speak, or whatever you would have done 20 years ago. Its still the same game as it always was.

I agree with @Crikeyalmighty and @Pinkdelight3. Going to gigs or festivals with friends then wandering of on your own, you are bound to get chatting. I went to a Philip Glass gig a couple of years ago, mid-40s, straight from work, no make up and greasy hair - lots of male attention!

A male friend told me (not sure if this comes from somewhere else?!) that men control access to relationships and women control access to sex.

Getting a decent relationship is difficult under the best of circumstances regardless of the age.

In my 20s I did get boyfriends more easily and I think this is because I had gee boundaries and I didn't really think about what I was entering into. I'm now in my late 30s, have been told I look a decade younger (usually a size 8 not now as pregnant) so it's not my physical appearance that's the issue but probably my reluctance to enter a relationship at any price

*few not gee!

Well i believe that's true @zonky and im a woman but ive stopped caring about a relationship thankfully

Folk clubs...hot beds of wanton longing and lust..trust me ...

Zonky, interesting a man told you that , just saying. It’s sounds so crude and transactional and cynical, and I’m not convinced it’s true either. Men and women bring different things to the party but I don’t the think it’s that basic.

A male friend told me (not sure if this comes from somewhere else?!) that men control access to relationships and women control access to sex

What does this even mean? It can't be as simple as it looks, because if it is, it's clearly rubbish. What am I missing?