Hi,
I stumbled over this thread in a Google search, and skimming through the postings I thought I'd do an emotion dump from a man's point of view. I'm not going to pull any punches, and I don't expect to make any friends, but I trust that at least some of the readers will appreciate a frank view from the other side. It's obviously tragic that there are "sides" to this, and that's something I've tried to overcome for decades, but with mixed results. Either way, I'm not trying to present a balanced case, I'm simply trying to explain why men can easily feel overlooked and uncared for, but at the same time I'm not trying to score any cheap points or fuel an argument. Horse's mouth, straight from the liver, loaded with generalisations but laced with truth.
In the following I'm using the word "you" in a general sense, I don't mean to address anybody in particular.
I'm a man, 61 years old, with an average (high single digit) number of relationships behind me. The most recent one ended tragically after 12 years in 2012, due to cancer. That isn't really relevant, but it does make it a bit harder to turn me into a hate object, so maybe more people will listen and reflect on what I have to say.
It's a popular misconception that men's emotions are stunted and crude. This observation is invariably made by women, so permit me to suggest that the truth probably is that our feelings are inhibited (rather than stunted) and poorly communicated, and that what is subsequently heard is poorly understood.
A boy's life revolves entirely around being self-sufficient, "strong", and successful. Boys don't cry, on the contrary: they are expected to succeed in every possible way, and so we learn to suppress anything and everything that doesn't fit in that mould. Those that totally fail go to the ground; suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 45, and the rate is 3-4 times higher than it is for women. Men that don't fail hard enough become abusers -- of alcohol, drugs, and, yes, women (and everybody else). Those that fail less dramatically become losers, and go through life wondering why it's so miserable.
It isn't so much a case of how we're brought up, it's a million years of biological evolution. Nature has no use for beta, gamma, and what follows, males. Nature wants alpha males that can fight, kill, protect, and provide; the rest are a waste of space and food. This makes men uniquely hopeless at finding a foothold in a modern society, unless they have the success to prove themselves. So what do we do? "Success", in this context, can mean anything and everything, including simple wealth, jobs, flashy cars, attitude, violence, weapons, sporting achievements, trophy dogs, and, yes, trophy girlfriends and wives. The list goes on and on. A man has a need to prove himself, and the more desperate he is, the more important his possessions become.
I could explore this in great depth, but I'm not writing a book, so I'll tunnel through the mountain rather than climb over it. I trust the above lays the ground for you, and while it comes across as something of a horror story, it also holds a golden key for you girls, provided you want it. While men's emotions aren't necessarily simple, it's very easy to attract a man and keep him happy. It does require a little effort, and you may find this meaningless and at odds with your other interests and priorities, but, well ... what, actually, are your interests and priorities? Love and relationships are like beautiful gardens: they don't just happen by themselves, they require effort and maintenance on a continuous basis. Sometimes the efforts we have to make may seem peculiar, but that's no reason not to try. Are you honestly and seriously willing to make an effort? Or do you expect fantastic men to just drop out of the sky and land at your feet?
Men are like dogs. Some readers may be cheering at the thought, but it only highlights how little they understand. You say you want a man, but what are you prepared to do to get a man and make him feel happy? More than you'd do for a dog? Or less? An old saying is that the route to a man's heart goes through his stomach, and there's an element of truth in that. What does a dog want? If you give him food, love and affection, a nice belly rub and some good play time, his love for you will be undying. He will shower you with love and kisses, growl at your feet, yearn for you and cry when you're not there, and defend and protect you from anything he thinks might harm you. A good man will, in the most literal sense, give his life for you. He will be your most loyal friend until his dying day, but not because of anything you think you can take away or force him to do. It's because you're kind to him, because of how you make him feel, because of what you give him (however simple, obvious and self-explanatory it is), and his love and gratitude will be boundless. Would you be kind to a dog?
Let's explore that a bit. I once read an interview with a woman who'd had a boob job. She was around 50 and quite attractive, but she wanted to crank things up a bit. "Big hair, big smile, big boobs", as she put it. Big boobs isn't a thing for a lot of guys, and while I have a lot of respect for Dolly Parton (for entirely different and honourable reasons), I wouldn't recommend that route; in fact, a lot of really nice guys would probably feel inadequate and intimidated. Rather, it's a simple case of making your man feel good, make him feel he's struck gold, make him feel like a king, and that doesn't have to take a lot. It's all about making an effort and creating a little bit of a stir. If you make an effort to make somebody feel good, you're telling them you love them. Who doesn't want to be loved? And why wouldn't you want to make him feel loved? Is it horrible and disgusting to make your man go "Wow!"?
Men like excitement. That's why boys climb trees and fall down, that's why men burn tyres and crash cars; climb mountains; jump out of aeroplanes; ride motorcycles; go fishing; play pinball; watch Star Trek; and a lot of other "stupid" stuff.
Men like excitement, and young, fit, and tall are exciting, but not a fraction of the full spectrum available to you; those things are more like freebies, a kind of starting bonus some people get. Nature does deal cards randomly and unequally, but by far most people get a decent hand with a lot of potential wow factor. And if you think you're a bit short, there are things you can do (big hair, big smile ...) to improve your hand. No, I'm not saying women should universally get boob jobs, but I am saying that nobody's going to chat up Hyacinth Bucket.
Men like excitement, quelle surprise! Who wants a boring partner? I don't, do you? Do you want a boring man? I've lost count of how many men I've seen head for a life in the marital doldrums, with wives that can bore the paint off a wall. Why do so many women turn everything off when they tie the knot? It's as if there's this big switch with two settings: "Hunt man" and "Can't be bothered".
Give a man a little excitement, make him go "Wow!", and you'll bring out his dog heart. He'll be at your beck and call night and day, and his love and affection for you will never die. You and he will spend your lives in a beautiful garden you have built together, and all it has taken is a little bit of effort; a little bit of something, however simplistic, given to somebody else, for no good reason other than to be kind and make him feel good. Throw him a bone, and he'll bring a thousand bones back to you.
This is a bit hastily written, but it's an honest dump of my thoughts and feelings; I mean no offence, but I am becoming disillusioned. This is not an age thing, Helen Mirren is 15 years older than I am, and smoking hot. A mature woman can be so much more alluring than a young bimbo, but it's as if after some point in their lives, a lot of women simply stop living and stop caring.
So, go on, blame some man you know, hate me, call me every evil under the sun, tell me I am crude and simple, stunted in my emotions, always thinking about one thing ... no, wait, I beat you to it. I've heard it all before. In all my (relatively few) relationships my partner's happiness has always been my priority, but only once did I feel this was reciprocated. It actually isn't hard, I've let the cat out of the bag, I've told you how to cast spells that will make a man do anything you want. All you have to do is lift a finger and do it.
-- Greg