Feeling absolutely invisible as an ‘older’ single woman

[SwordfromtheStone]

I’m late 40s, not tall or slim or particularly glamorous but I think I scrub up ok. I’m divorced and reasonably happy on my own but I would like to meet someone new at some point.

I just don’t know how though! OLD is an absolute disaster so I was pinning my hopes on real life but since we’ve been able to get out more I’m just not having any luck. It feels like nobody even notices me. The final straw was being out with a crowd last night in a busy pub with a band on. Lots of drink flowing and everyone chatting to strangers. My 2 friends - slightly younger but more importantly ticking the boxes of thin and blonde - seemed to be fighting the men off while not a single person even spoke to me. It’s just so depressing and disheartening.

I knew appearing invisible as you get older was a thing but I hadn’t experienced it before and it’s horrible. How the hell will I ever meet anyone if both online and real life are so hard? 🙁

I definitely like the idea of attracting life not a man.

I found it gave my self esteem a boost going onto hookup sites. Doesn't sound like what you want but I was absolutely the opposite of invisible on there - genuine women up for sex are so rare on those sites that there is zero limit on what you can have.

In the end I found dp on a site for over 50s as I reckoned I'd be a hot property on there at 51. He's very lovely.

I know exactly what you mean about bars and hanging out with younger women - sometimes fun but in a different way. Find your inner goddess somewhere else.

Thanks this is all really interesting. I was happy to be out so hopefully I looked smily and approachable and I was wearing a lowish cut top as the one thing I do have is good boobs. I did try and engage but it was so obvious it was my friends that men were interested in.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I get on well with men in general - at work or friends' other halves for example (not in a weird way!) But men I meet just don't seem to view me as attractive or interesting. I rarely get matches online and those I do are losers so I've given up. I've joined a gym, I've volunteered at a local event and am going to a book club - I'm not sure what else I can do!

I don't think I'm desperate to meet someone but I must be giving off the wrong vibes somehow.

@SwordfromtheStone

Thanks this is all really interesting. I was happy to be out so hopefully I looked smily and approachable and I was wearing a lowish cut top as the one thing I do have is good boobs. I did try and engage but it was so obvious it was my friends that men were interested in.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I get on well with men in general - at work or friends' other halves for example (not in a weird way!) But men I meet just don't seem to view me as attractive or interesting. I rarely get matches online and those I do are losers so I've given up. I've joined a gym, I've volunteered at a local event and am going to a book club - I'm not sure what else I can do!

I don't think I'm desperate to meet someone but I must be giving off the wrong vibes somehow.

As others say, you might need to a bit more ‘forward’, as a single early 50’s man, I find approaching women to be quite daunting, as I quite of wonder what do I have to offer, and older men approaching strange (not weird strange) women is so frowned on nowadays that I just don’t do it, Have you thought about cycling clubs or Park Run Personally I have reverted to OLD as I simply never have the opportunity to meet women in IRL anymore

I would say that volunteering and book clubs are typically female things to do so you might struggle to meet guys doing these things. Joining physical activity clubs are good, also have you looked at “meet-up” as a website? There’s loads of options there for get togethers with strangers

My 2 friends - slightly younger but more importantly ticking the boxes of thin and blonde - seemed to be fighting the men off while not a single person even spoke to me

thin = not already pregnant
blond ( in a temperate climate) = able to make adequate vitamin D for a baby to have strong bones

Yes, they are going to have an advantage, if you are talking about ticking some very basic, instinctive boxes for men looking to procreate in a temporate climate......

But you are presumably not looking for a men like that?

I suggest you look elsewhere, in a situation where you are going to have more meaningful interactions

Sold a table on ebay. The guy who came round for it touched her arm for slightly longer than necessary

Blimey, he was playing with fire there.

I'm not, and never have been, a head turner. I married fairly young, then divorced in my 40s. I was more confident by then, and not in a hurry to meet a man. I'm not loud, or extrovert, but I do talk to people and take an interest in them. I found myself, not exactly beating them off with a stick, but certainly spoilt for choice.
I am not hung up on looks, but fussy about the things that matter, and have been married know to the kindest, most decent, funniest man I have ever met, for ten years now.
Caveat: this was before Tinder - online dating was in it's infancy and I did meet some nice men on there, but actually met DH organically.

You need to be sexier and more flirtatious. Anyone can do it, its not about body shape, height, or age.

Be more overt, but I agree the tall blondes are a mistake. I couldnt pull around that type.

Blowdry your hair, at hairdresser. Wear more makeup. Flirt, make conversation, make flirty eye contact, sit at the edge not in a corner, laugh, break the touch barrier.

Use filters on OLD. Try another site. You should be getting 100s of likes. If not then youre not playing the game properly. See above.

Or dont bother, I did above for years, very successfully, but am sat in pjs now looking like an off duty fisherwoman! Same woman.
Its 90% artifice to look like barbie.

What I do not want is to waste the next decade trying to get some random fairly mediocre man to get out of the sweet shop (on line) and commit to me.

LOVE this!

Me too. I had a similar ephinany after my last relationship ended. We met online. I've met my last two partners online. One lasted 4.5 years and the latest almost two years.

I'm 49 next month I'm not prepared to do OLD again. It took forever to find the two I dated and although they weren't horrendous, they were not wonderful either. I deserved better and know it.

I've a wonderful circle of friends, I love my job and I'm very happy single. It is going to take a lot to be lured back in to a relationship.

In the past I wasn't happy single; with maturity though I've grown to love it.

Unhappy* single

I do think you'll do better to try something more active to meet more men - golf? Parkrun? Local walking club? Allotment?

My walking group is 100% female and that's also fantastic in its own way. Life can only get better if you do more stuff.

Get a dog.

I'm similar age and happily married. Used to get a lot of attention from men when I was younger, never a problem getting a boyfriend etc but same as you now I'm a woman of a certain age I'm literally invisible.

However, I've recently got a dog and the amount of people I've had talking to me on walks, in Pets at Home etc etc!

Just a thought 😂

Echo get a dog, or learn to ride a motorcycle, you meet loads of men that way,

@E11en

I know what you mean but I'm not going to let it diminish me. I've ''ring fenced'' things that spark joy that do not require a man. I am working on being braver, going places alone, a number of books I want to read on the subject of stepping out of one's comfort zone, bravery, Dr Maureen Gaffney has a new book out on middle age (it's a positive book).

I'm 51 and feel that dating and love is over for me and I just want to accept that and channel energy in to being braver, getting more out of life, pushing myself to go places. What I do not want is to waste the next decade trying to get some random fairly mediocre man to get out of the sweet shop (on line) and commit to me.

And that's no criticism of mediocrity. I'm probably not all that special myself but do I have to be?

I know I'm sitting in bed as I type this so it strikes me that I might be all talk, but I suppose my mindset is to attract LIFE not a man.

Yes this exactly the manifesto I want for myself! Here's to Manifesting A Life!

When you say you 'rarely get matches online but those that do are losers' that right there is your issue. So dismissive and rude. You would hate it if men dismissed you because you were short or fat or 'a loser' or whatever they perceived to be unattractive.
I know there are lot of pricks out there but just being so casually and dismissively unpleasant is poss part of the issue. No bloke is going to come and chat you up and flirt with you if he gets this sort of vibe from you.

OP I have always scrubbed up well as you say, and been thin. But at any time, even from my late teens up to now when I am in my early 40s, it has been almost impossible for me to pull in a bar or a night club - because I always had blonde gorgeous friends. In this kind of environment it's just no contest. I have long given up. Anywhere else - at work, doing sports, in supermarkets, etc - I have never had trouble attracting men, attention and contact. So just don't go on a prowl with thin blondes.

I became invisible from my late 20s/early 30a onwards. Men are very basic. They want young, blonde, slim, big tits...usually. But don't give up. Not all are like that, but... the "normal", non-immature men ARE out there, it Just takes some long, careful time of fishing to find them.

So just don't go on a prowl with thin blondes

I would add thin young blondes to that too, sadly.

Aren't a lot of men just....depressingly shallow?

Aren't a lot of men just....depressingly shallow?

It would be interesting to hear the OP's definition of "losers".

@YouJustDoYou

Men are very basic. They want young, blonde, slim, big tits...usually

Wow. You've had an unlucky time with the men you've met. This is no more accurate than saying 'Women usually only want Brad Pitt lookalikes'. Sexist to assume that all men/women mostly want the same thing, too.

I'm scruffy as heck, in my mid 50s & have been recently leched on by men in their 80s. I also get random comments from stranger women about my good figure. I'd love to be invisible.

@YouJustDoYou

So just don't go on a prowl with thin blondes

I would add thin young blondes to that too, sadly.

Aren't a lot of men just....depressingly shallow?

I was the same age as them. Still a no go ))) It's the striking appearance that works in the bars and clubs. At least in my experience. As I said, no problem attracting men anywhere else. Several marriage proposals in my twenties and happily married like forever

When your friends are in the loo just wave them over
Although as a former young slim blonde most of men that approached me in the bars were already in a relationship and didn't really care about telling me, not the best places to a find a relationship IMO

If yes a my consolation OP I know quite a few decent looking 49 and 50 something guys who think the thin young blondes that go for the thick eyebrows and fake eyelash image look like they are getting ready for the pantomime— they hate it— I think the problem is if you go out with a bunch of them to places with a lot of younger people then sadly many men do go for the obvious— you need to be going to places where you can actually get to know people and not be surrounded by glammed up young things— easier said I know and that’s why many older women do go down the on line dating stuff

Try a litter picking group or a walking/dog walking group.