Feeling absolutely invisible as an ‘older’ single woman

[SwordfromtheStone]

I’m late 40s, not tall or slim or particularly glamorous but I think I scrub up ok. I’m divorced and reasonably happy on my own but I would like to meet someone new at some point.

I just don’t know how though! OLD is an absolute disaster so I was pinning my hopes on real life but since we’ve been able to get out more I’m just not having any luck. It feels like nobody even notices me. The final straw was being out with a crowd last night in a busy pub with a band on. Lots of drink flowing and everyone chatting to strangers. My 2 friends - slightly younger but more importantly ticking the boxes of thin and blonde - seemed to be fighting the men off while not a single person even spoke to me. It’s just so depressing and disheartening.

I knew appearing invisible as you get older was a thing but I hadn’t experienced it before and it’s horrible. How the hell will I ever meet anyone if both online and real life are so hard? 🙁

Well I have been married for 15 years and with DH for 20, so what do I know ?
But I have never heard one good word about OLD. If I was that way inclined I'd take up cycling (possibly triathalons), might take surfing or sea swimming lessons and join an amateur dramatics society. A walking group might be nice. I love a good gig as much as the next girl but they are not pulling opportunities.

I am 45 if that makes any difference. Blondish and size 10 hour glassy. In realityI'd go through my little black book (2 men who I know are single whom i have previously had interest in).

I was 55, overweight and very sad post-divorce when I went on OLD (3 years ago). Figured the only way I wanted to relate to men was through sex, as it was really the only thing missing from my life, so I went looking. This made me not invisible, quel surprise! And via Fab Swingers I have been with my FWB plus for nearly three years, he's sweet and sexy and 7 years younger. It's a gentle, calm, uncomplicated part-time relationship that is everything I want right now, but if it ends tomorrow I won't be bothered. I don't NEED a man. I WANT this one. For now. I bloody love being the age I am.

Nothing floaty or patterny or too arty or bohemian or vintage.

That's me stuffed then.

Op, lots of good advice here and OLD can be brutal admittedly. On the subject of clothes, my friend is extremely sexed up fashionwise, full makeup, sexy hair, high heels and always gets loads of attention but always the wrong sorts/just wanting sex. So I think there's a middle ground here with styling yourself well versus being too sexual looking. I would also recommend chatting first. I was back from hols recently and was on a high, chatting to loads of people in the real world, and I definitely found more men making an effort to continue the chats and sit next to me etc. Usually I would be looking down and assuming people would approach me.

I've never had a good relationship that started from being hit on in a pub.

I like to play the long game and get to know someone through regular contact.

Sport is the easiest way. Sailing or golf for example where there's socialising afterwards. You don't have to participate much or with any seriousness, just be a part of club life - join the fundraising committee, volunteer behind the bar, anything that gets you in contact with lots of people.

Other male dominated sports like rugby or football where a club may have 1 token 'senior' female team but is otherwise teeming with men and there's usually a whole community and lifestyle built around it. Many separated and divorced men join in later life to rebuild their social circle.

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

As women get older, their dating pool gets smaller and smaller. As men get older, their dating pool just gets bigger and bigger.

See I'm 57, and my chap is 50. I think it's a case of NAMALT

Wow didn’t expect so many more replies. I just want to clarify my ‘losers’ comment cos I’m really not writing off men because of their looks - although a lot on OLD could do with taking a bit more care of themselves. I mean losers as in the liars, the ghosters, the dick pic senders, the married ones and so on. Believe me after a few years on and off OLD I’ve experienced most - I’m not being overly picky not to want someone like that.

I'm intrigued that you actually believe that there are certain criteria that make you more popular with all men...

For every man that loves blondes there's one who prefers brunettes.
For every man who likes tall women there's one who prefers small (in fact more men prefer small generally as they tend to prefer being the taller one).
For every man who likes slim there's one who likes curvy.

It really isn't about looks. I am dark haired, very short and medium sized and have never felt any of those are a barrier to getting talking to people.

Are you just waiting for people to come and talk to you? You have to put in the same amount of effort. And if you want to be sociable, make sure you look like it... look around the room, smile, meet people's eyes, start conversations...

I agree you should keep OLD as an add on in addition to getting out there more.
I have no advice as I have been single for 10 years now. I do agree the pool of 'raw material' gets much smaller as the years pass on OLD and it gets increasingly difficult to find any spark.

Flowers500

Tits and hair

10% a joke but 90% serious. You need to be warm, confident and engaging, you need to highlight the assets you have, and you need a banging good blow dry. Set out to enjoy yourself and anything else is a plus.

Yep.

@Journeyofthedragons

Sold a table on ebay. The guy who came round for it touched her arm for slightly longer than necessary

Blimey, he was playing with fire there.

@Journeyofthedragons I thought so too when she told me the story, but she was up for it so maybe he just read the room right!

OP maybe you are feeling down as you have been especially unlucky so far? I'm OK with OLD as I've had a couple of positive experiences over the years, but without those I'd no doubt feel different.

@ravenmum yes I think I am! I just don’t seem to get many matches and I don’t know why. My profile is friendly and my pics are recent. I think I need to try a different site but I’m pretty disheartened with it all.

Honestly, I think it's just luck. I wasn't looking for anything serious last time I was on OLD, so went out with a guy I would probably not have selected as a potential serious partner, and he surprised me :)

@JustThisLastLittleBit

I was 55, overweight and very sad post-divorce when I went on OLD (3 years ago). Figured the only way I wanted to relate to men was through sex, as it was really the only thing missing from my life, so I went looking. This made me not invisible, quel surprise! And via Fab Swingers I have been with my FWB plus for nearly three years, he's sweet and sexy and 7 years younger. It's a gentle, calm, uncomplicated part-time relationship that is everything I want right now, but if it ends tomorrow I won't be bothered. I don't NEED a man. I WANT this one. For now. I bloody love being the age I am.

I've dabbled on Fab and this is true - any woman, and I mean any woman will get attention. I was shocked by the physical disparity in particular where average to below average women were hooking up with men of a far superior physical appearance they probably would never have access to in the real world. Women control access to sex and men access to relationships. If you'd like to build an illusion of intimacy, desire and care this is the site. You'll literally be busy Mon-Sun and still not run out of options. It was a strange experience....I was after an alternative/kink scene so was looking for something else on there, did meet a few people who opened up my horizons so to speak.

To be fair, I don’t think most women are looking for a swingers’ scene. And even if I were a swingy swinger, I don’t think I’d want a relationship with a fellow swinger.

The trouble is when one thinks of one’s hobbies, they rarely collide with men’s. Dsis was musing, “I like cats, reading, tv dramas… Eek! That list appeals to no man!” As a pp mentioned, it might be an idea to force oneself to like golf or cycling. Actually a friend of mine in 50s has met several men through a tennis club. I belonged to a dog walking club and got talking to several single men on the walks.

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

As women get older, their dating pool gets smaller and smaller. As men get older, their dating pool just gets bigger and bigger.

Women have all the options in their 20s and then it slowly shrinks. It can work the other way for men if they're well put together.

I think you have to go places where you might be interested in common activities to meet people - hobbies, courses that kind of thing. Then you will have a starting point of something in common - some activity whereby you get to know someone's personality over a number of weeks or months. That's when you really find out about someone and your presence will grow on them especially if you are likeminded.

I've dabbled on Fab and this is true - any woman, and I mean any woman will get attention. I was shocked by the physical disparity in particular where average to below average women were hooking up with men of a far superior physical appearance they probably would never have access to in the real world. Women control access to sex and men access to relationships.

This is interesting, if DH left me or died a FWB type of arranagment is definately what I'd be after. Having done the whole 2.4 children thing I CBA to do that all over again...

@Crikeyalmighty

Ok — I work in music - get yourself to a Prog rock gig— someone like say Nick masons sauceful of secrets or Procol Harum— hang around the bar at interval— wall to wall late 40s and 50 something guys— plus some who are older than that. If my H goes to toilet I am inevitably ‘hit on’

I love this advice - and would add sci-fi conventions as another source of such guys. Not everyone's type of course, but often bright, loyal, and less likely to be bastardy than the OLD randoms.

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

As women get older, their dating pool gets smaller and smaller. As men get older, their dating pool just gets bigger and bigger.

Are you joking? Unless they're rich and/or successful, older men are at the bottom of the dating food chain in my experience.

Are you joking? Unless they're rich and/or successful, older men are at the bottom of the dating food chain in my experience.

She's presumably talking about successful men. It's more common for a 40s man who earns good money and is in good shape to be with a woman 10-15 years younger, than it is for a woman to be with a much younger man.

The average bloke who is balding, overweight and doesn't earn much money will always have less options than the average woman of the same age. Although this might flip at a very old age as men die younger.

Are you joking? Unless they're rich and/or successful, older men are at the bottom of the dating food chain in my experience.

Oh crap 🥲

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

As women get older, their dating pool gets smaller and smaller. As men get older, their dating pool just gets bigger and bigger.

I don’t necessarily agree this is always true In the cases where women’s dating pool does get a little smaller they are only losing the men who’s primary interest must be in a woman’s youth and superficial appearance if they are not interested in dating women their own age , so no lose there . You’re not looking to attract that type youre looking to attract a man who sees women as equals and will date his peers . Just keep your standards high and know what you’re looking for.

Incidentally I do think there are some lovely older men who do want someone who’s a partner and not a showpiece