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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Drunk situation - I don’t know what happened

220 replies

Imdone1000 · 14/09/2021 11:14

Hey all

I’m newly seeing a guy, he’s amazing in every way, we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. He’s currently working away so I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks so made the trip to go and stay with him at the weekend. It was the best weekend, he bought me a beautiful piece of jewellery and said I love you for the first time.
On Friday we drank with his friends and I admittedly got quite drunk. Parts of the night are blank. But I do remember taking myself off to bed and leaving the others to carry on drinking.
So the next day in the evening we went to a pub and I heard my boyfriend say to his friend, did you enjoy your FaceTime call? And they laughed. And I asked what do you mean? What FaceTime call. And he replied oh nothing he just tried to call whilst you was giving me a b............ and I said oh. I assumed this meant he didn’t take the call and he had just tried to call. I remember the bedroom antics but I don’t remember no call.
But I left it. Then the next few days the “did you enjoy your FaceTime call” played on my mind so I asked him about it and specifically said did you answer the call. And he said yea I wasn’t thinking you were fully dressed and he didn’t see anything it was dark. And the camera was at the back of my head. I made him aware that I wasn’t comfortable with this, and he said because we are a very sexual couple and his friends know this he didn’t think it would be a problem,,,and I said I just don’t want to be inviting people to watch me.
He said the only thing on view was his penis and called him out and said but you said the camera was at the back of my head.... he then went on to say that I was laughing about the situation at the time and we went back out to the friends after and I made a jokey comment about it. I don’t remember this at all,,,it could have happened because I was drunk. But I genuinly don’t remember that at all. The things that niggling me are when he initially asked his friend if he enjoyed the FaceTime call and I asked him he said oh nothing he “tried” to call. And his answer to this is because we were around other people he would want to share that with, so he just said that. Then also his story changed like he said you were fully clothed so he couldn’t see anything, and thy e camera was at the back of my head, to it was only his penis, I am really confused about the situation.
I take him to be an absolutely great guy and I would believe that he would be honest with me. But this has me confused. What do you think of it?
TIA x

OP posts:

Gorl · 15/09/2021 16:30

If you were too drunk to recall this you were too drunk to consent to sexual activity. I’m so sorry but your boyfriend is an abuser.

samwitwicky · 15/09/2021 16:35

This guy does not love you.

SmokyLittleBeefBath · 19/09/2021 08:55

How are you now OP?

DrMorbius · 19/09/2021 09:11

@Gorl
If you were too drunk to recall this you were too drunk to consent to sexual activity. I’m so sorry but your boyfriend is an abuser

Perhaps the boyfriend was more drunk, perhaps Op instigated the sexual activity. Does that make Op the abuse?

ChargingBuck · 19/09/2021 09:22

[quote DrMorbius]**@Gorl
If you were too drunk to recall this you were too drunk to consent to sexual activity. I’m so sorry but your boyfriend is an abuser

Perhaps the boyfriend was more drunk, perhaps Op instigated the sexual activity. Does that make Op the abuse?[/quote]
Yeah, right.

Perhaps OP nicked her b/f's phone too, filmed her own head & b/f's penis herself, then shared it with his friends, & popped back downstairs to invite them to laugh at the footage.

ODFOD, "Dr".

billy1966 · 19/09/2021 09:29

He is NOT a good person.

I wouldn't be surprised if your drink was spiked.

Think very carefully about how many drinks you had?

I think it was planned or very deliberate.

I think a call to 101 to report him for doing this would soften his cough.

OP, I mean this kindly, but you sound very very vulnerable that you would think for a second this is anything other than shocking.

This is not normal behaviour.

This is the behaviour of absolute SCUM and I think what he did was illegal, but 101 will be able to advise.

Please protect yourself.

DrMorbius · 19/09/2021 09:30

I think you may have spectacularly missed my point ChargingBuck

Not every drunken sexual episode contains an abuser! That's just the MN Borg drone mentality.

Atla · 19/09/2021 09:33

What a scumbag. Dump him, don't look back. The fact he was then joking about it with his friend in front of you is just vile - designed to humiliate you. This is not love OP.

Atla · 19/09/2021 09:36

I would be thinking very carefully about the number of drinks you had in relation to how drunk you were and/or whether he was encouraging you to drink to excess. Situation sounds set up to me. Not normal behaviour at all.

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/09/2021 09:43

I would be very concerned if he has made other videos of you on his phone. He doesn't sound right at all.

Naunet · 19/09/2021 10:07

[quote DrMorbius]**@Gorl
If you were too drunk to recall this you were too drunk to consent to sexual activity. I’m so sorry but your boyfriend is an abuser

Perhaps the boyfriend was more drunk, perhaps Op instigated the sexual activity. Does that make Op the abuse?[/quote]
Hey, I heard the CPS are hiring, you’d fit right in.

wewereliars · 19/09/2021 10:09

DrMoribus Abuse victims do not need the input of a smartarse contrarian

ChargingBuck · 19/09/2021 10:12

@DrMorbius

I think you may have spectacularly missed my point ChargingBuck

Not every drunken sexual episode contains an abuser! That's just the MN Borg drone mentality.

I think you have missed the fact that non-consensual sharing of filmed sexual encounters is illegal, Dr.

& as the OP was upset enough about it to post about being the person laughed about by her b/f's friends, I don't think she filmed herself while sexually abusing him, no.

That's not Borg mentality, it's a clear reading of the facts.
Unlike your contrarian, victim-blaming, Edgelording 'mentality'.

ChargingBuck · 19/09/2021 10:14

Blimey, cross-post with your own "contrarian" observation @wewereliars.
There's always one, innit.

wewereliars · 19/09/2021 10:19

Yes indeed ChargingBuck!

Gorl · 19/09/2021 17:01

I think you have missed the fact that non-consensual sharing of filmed sexual encounters is illegal, Dr.

Yes, a conveniently overlooked fact.

DrMorbius · 19/09/2021 17:30

This has been one of those "light the touchpaper and stand back" threads.

Op posted 5 or 6 posts, 5 days ago and since then the thread has grown it's own arms and legs. From the limited information provided by the Op, her bf sounds life a idiot. What sort of idiot is impossible to say with the information provided. We are not even sure filmed content was shared. Certainly we cannot say with any semblance of reality that the bf is an "abuser" the MN go to answer

ChargingBuck · 19/09/2021 17:39

Certainly we cannot say with any semblance of reality that the bf is an "abuser"

Can't we?
We can say what we like, whatever your pretention to being some kind of spokesperson for "us" is about, @DrMorbius.

You don't speak for me, & I say it's abusive to laugh with your mates over your g/f's sexual humiliation, & to manipulative & minimise her subsequent distress, rather than show contrition & try to understand her feelings.

wewereliars · 19/09/2021 17:48

Whatever is posted in threads such as these, and whatever the actual events in question, it's a certainty that all sorts of people will be reading and not posting, but learning and taking cues from what is and is not being said.

People, such as Dr dolittle above, who downplay a clearly abusive set of circumstances, in the mistaken belief that they are on a higher intellectual plane than the rest of the plebs commenting, are offensive, stupid and potentially dangerous.

myfacelookslikeatoe · 19/09/2021 20:34

Awful. Hope you’ve dumped this disgusting man.

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