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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Drunk situation - I don’t know what happened

220 replies

Imdone1000 · 14/09/2021 11:14

Hey all

I’m newly seeing a guy, he’s amazing in every way, we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. He’s currently working away so I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks so made the trip to go and stay with him at the weekend. It was the best weekend, he bought me a beautiful piece of jewellery and said I love you for the first time.
On Friday we drank with his friends and I admittedly got quite drunk. Parts of the night are blank. But I do remember taking myself off to bed and leaving the others to carry on drinking.
So the next day in the evening we went to a pub and I heard my boyfriend say to his friend, did you enjoy your FaceTime call? And they laughed. And I asked what do you mean? What FaceTime call. And he replied oh nothing he just tried to call whilst you was giving me a b............ and I said oh. I assumed this meant he didn’t take the call and he had just tried to call. I remember the bedroom antics but I don’t remember no call.
But I left it. Then the next few days the “did you enjoy your FaceTime call” played on my mind so I asked him about it and specifically said did you answer the call. And he said yea I wasn’t thinking you were fully dressed and he didn’t see anything it was dark. And the camera was at the back of my head. I made him aware that I wasn’t comfortable with this, and he said because we are a very sexual couple and his friends know this he didn’t think it would be a problem,,,and I said I just don’t want to be inviting people to watch me.
He said the only thing on view was his penis and called him out and said but you said the camera was at the back of my head.... he then went on to say that I was laughing about the situation at the time and we went back out to the friends after and I made a jokey comment about it. I don’t remember this at all,,,it could have happened because I was drunk. But I genuinly don’t remember that at all. The things that niggling me are when he initially asked his friend if he enjoyed the FaceTime call and I asked him he said oh nothing he “tried” to call. And his answer to this is because we were around other people he would want to share that with, so he just said that. Then also his story changed like he said you were fully clothed so he couldn’t see anything, and thy e camera was at the back of my head, to it was only his penis, I am really confused about the situation.
I take him to be an absolutely great guy and I would believe that he would be honest with me. But this has me confused. What do you think of it?
TIA x

OP posts:

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 14/09/2021 12:43

[quote Northeastsouthwest21]@Imdone1000 i felt a bit sick on your behalf reading that. Also the fact he said all his mates know you’re very sexual rings alarm bells for me alongside the fact he is pushing the boundaries this early on in your relationship …. He doesn’t sound like a very nice man at all and when he answered that call he showed you his true colours. This would play on my mind massively and it would be a deal breaker for me.[/quote]
This - why has he been discussing your sex life with his mates to begin with?

ShingleBeach · 14/09/2021 12:43

But I have already made the decision not to drink like that anymore. If he is being truthful and I was ok with it at the time, this is not ok with me and I need to not allow myself to get in that vulnerable state again

Like what if I acted a certain way that made him believe it would be ok to do that

This is defending him, OP. It’s looking for reasons that it wasn’t his fault, or that it was your responsibility.

He lied.
No good guy with any gentlemanly ethics would agree to such a thing
And then bring it up with his mates in a sleazy way to laugh about.

He knows it was non-consensual because of his ‘oh nothing’ initial response.

Please don’t feel anyone here is having a go at you: posters are in your side. But pointing out where your boundaries are askew.

Not your fault; a lifetime of growing up in the shadow of misogyny and double standards does that.

Look after yourself OP.

Step one: step away from this man.

Lipsandlashes · 14/09/2021 12:44

He is absolutely revolting. I would dump him and completely ghost him to be honest.

MrsWooster · 14/09/2021 12:44

@pollypocketlover

If you were too drunk to remember you were too drunk to consent to anything. What he did is illegal.

Came here to say exactly this. Decent people don’t do this (the filming, I mean).

TheDailyCarbunkle · 14/09/2021 12:45

It's all appalling and you can never ever trust him for a second ever again, but IMO the fact that he asked his friend about it within your earshot is one of the most sinister and terrible things about it. It makes me suspect that the whole thing was planned and he mentioned it to his friend while you were around because he gets a thrill from carrying out and reliving this sort of exploitation and he got some satisfaction from you asking about it. Why else would he mention it? He and his friend were having a huge laugh about how they violated your trust and totally disrespected you, while you were standing there. It is so beyond awful.

You must be so disappointed to find out what he's really like. You cannot stay with him, under any circumstances. This goes far far beyond a drunken piece of stupid behaviour (which would still be cause for dumping him) and goes well into the realms of planned, cruel abuse.

Do talk to someone about this in real life.

TillyTopper · 14/09/2021 12:45

I think I'd be doing two things: firstly dumping him that would be a deal breaker. Secondly I'd not want to drink so much I didn't know what was going on in the same room as me. You can think the second point is harsh, you may think all you need to do is dump him, but you need to consider your health and welfare as priority.

HaggisBurger · 14/09/2021 12:46

*not really consenting to the FaceTiming I should say

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2021 12:46

@Famousinlove

When you first asked him, he lied to you. That's because he knew you didn't know it happened and didn't want it to happen.

This. If he actually thought you were fine with it he wouldn’t have lied to you.

mrsbitaly · 14/09/2021 12:47

I really feel awful for you I would be so uncomfortable with this it isn't on and it is absolutely rank.

I get you like him but this is so wrong I would be nervous to have a drink around him again. You deserve to be treated better than this it was a private moment not for his mates to view he knows he's done wrong which is why he is back tracking. If you don't remember the incident how do you even know if you did laugh it off?

Total breach of trust.

thesunwillout · 14/09/2021 12:49

Op it's alot for you to process.

Most of us are just horrified for you and angry.
You'll get there.

I'm sure

You're worth so much more x

AllyBama · 14/09/2021 12:50

Oh my god what have I read?!?
Girl wake up!!

You did not consent to effectively being filmed and watched by others in a sexual act with your partner! He has violated you! And he tried to gaslight you by saying that you were laughing at the time, so obviously you were enjoying it right? So you must have given him the ok? What a load of bollocks. He knows exactly what he’s done and he’s setting up the narrative for it all now.

And do you really think this time is the first time? Of course he’s probably shared photos. Which is illegal.

He is not a good guy. Your future husband doesn’t do this to you. He isn’t your happily ever after. He’s a bad guy. Run.

SoundBar · 14/09/2021 12:51

The problem you have here OP is that if you stay with him, that signals to him that what he did is OK.

I dread to think what he will do to you next.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 12:51

When you first asked him, he lied to you. That's because he knew you didn't know it happened and didn't want it to happen.

This. He lied and his story has changed. He knows full well you wouldn't have consented to it.

Even if he was telling the truth about something you said in the moment (he isn't but lets pretend he is) - if he really thinks you were cool with him facetiming people showing you giving him a blow job, do you want to be with someone who thinks that about you? No. You KNOW that isnt who you are. So does he. He's trying to convince you that your boundaries are different to what you know they are. He's a headfuck, a creep and a liar.

Get him the fuck away from you.

whynotwhatknot · 14/09/2021 12:54

And what happens next time when you wake up and youve had a threesome and he says you were fine about this last night and once again you dont remember a thing

where does it end

is his name stephen bear he tries to pull this shit

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 14/09/2021 12:56

He is disgusting and considers you a sex object that he can share with his mates rather than a whole person who may or may not have liked it.

Quite apart from the fact that he got off on you giving him oral when you were that pissed... which is weird... he KNOWS that you wouldn't like him filming you doing it or he wouldn't have waited til you were drunk then tried to gaslight you about it.

So, don't blame yourself: it's not that you shouldn't get that drunk. It's that you shouldn't get that drunk around HIM because you are not safe from abuse from him and he does not have your best interests in mind. Really 'nice' guy, huh?

BigGreen · 14/09/2021 12:57

Sorry but he has just shown you that he is absolutely NOT a 'great guy'. He should know that drunk people cannot give fully informed consent. What a sleaze, how can you bear to look at him?

PumpkinKlNG · 14/09/2021 12:58

I don’t think the ops drink was spiked, is that really that common? Seems to always be suggested on MN but I don’t believe it’s that common I believe it’s much more common to get really drunk and forget about things that have happened (I know it’s happened to me!)

DoormatBob · 14/09/2021 12:58

Did he really get facetimed in the middle of the night my a mate just at that moment too? Do men really facetime to chat? I'd suggest it's more likely he made the call.

How will you feel when hid mate returns the joke and he's watching his girlfriend?

lemmein · 14/09/2021 13:01

but IMO the fact that he asked his friend about it within your earshot is one of the most sinister and terrible things about it.

100% agree with this - they were laughing at you OP, knowing you were completely oblivious to being filmed whilst you were vulnerable. If it was such a non-issue that you didn't mind at the time why didn't he mention it the next day? Why were you only aware of it after over-hearing him taking the piss with his mate?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please see him for what he is, he is most certainly not 'a nice guy'.

fromdownwest · 14/09/2021 13:01

As part of a consenting element to a sexual relationship, some people enjoy this sharing of experiences.

As part of a siutation where your partner is taking advantage of your inabilty to comprehend what is going on, and activley sharing this with his friends is not just weird, it is appauling behaviour.

Do not blame yourself for getting too drunk, blame the weirdo who took advantage.

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 13:02

OP trust me as someone older than you - this is terrible. You need to dump him now, and also take time to recover from this horrifying experience. You must be deeply shaken from this and should not brush it under the carpet.

fromdownwest · 14/09/2021 13:02

i would alos be asking for his phone to make sure that there are no more intimate videso on there that he could be sharing with his friends

MondayYogurt · 14/09/2021 13:04

No one needs to have spiked your drink.
People can talk during alcohol blackouts: vertavahealthohio.com/alcohol/blackouts/

"Many people who are in a blackout can still eat, talk, walk, and perform other various activities. This is because many parts of the brain are alcohol-tolerant and continue to function as normal despite high blood alcohol levels. This can make determining if someone is in a blackout more difficult, as he or she may continue to act in a seemingly normal manner."

But since he has lied to you about the call and said you didn't want him to answer, it is clear he has broken your trust and boundaries.

TaraR2020 · 14/09/2021 13:04

Not sure what this adds, it's a deeply unhelpful comment.

Nocutenamesleft · 14/09/2021 13:12

Would this come under some kind of revenge porn act?

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