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Original poster

Drunk situation - I don’t know what happened

220 replies

Imdone1000 · 14/09/2021 11:14

Hey all

I’m newly seeing a guy, he’s amazing in every way, we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. He’s currently working away so I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks so made the trip to go and stay with him at the weekend. It was the best weekend, he bought me a beautiful piece of jewellery and said I love you for the first time.
On Friday we drank with his friends and I admittedly got quite drunk. Parts of the night are blank. But I do remember taking myself off to bed and leaving the others to carry on drinking.
So the next day in the evening we went to a pub and I heard my boyfriend say to his friend, did you enjoy your FaceTime call? And they laughed. And I asked what do you mean? What FaceTime call. And he replied oh nothing he just tried to call whilst you was giving me a b............ and I said oh. I assumed this meant he didn’t take the call and he had just tried to call. I remember the bedroom antics but I don’t remember no call.
But I left it. Then the next few days the “did you enjoy your FaceTime call” played on my mind so I asked him about it and specifically said did you answer the call. And he said yea I wasn’t thinking you were fully dressed and he didn’t see anything it was dark. And the camera was at the back of my head. I made him aware that I wasn’t comfortable with this, and he said because we are a very sexual couple and his friends know this he didn’t think it would be a problem,,,and I said I just don’t want to be inviting people to watch me.
He said the only thing on view was his penis and called him out and said but you said the camera was at the back of my head.... he then went on to say that I was laughing about the situation at the time and we went back out to the friends after and I made a jokey comment about it. I don’t remember this at all,,,it could have happened because I was drunk. But I genuinly don’t remember that at all. The things that niggling me are when he initially asked his friend if he enjoyed the FaceTime call and I asked him he said oh nothing he “tried” to call. And his answer to this is because we were around other people he would want to share that with, so he just said that. Then also his story changed like he said you were fully clothed so he couldn’t see anything, and thy e camera was at the back of my head, to it was only his penis, I am really confused about the situation.
I take him to be an absolutely great guy and I would believe that he would be honest with me. But this has me confused. What do you think of it?
TIA x

OP posts:

rumred · 14/09/2021 13:13

@Imdone1000 I'd speak to the police. It sounds as though you've been filmed without your knowledge and it's been shared. Deeply worrying and criminal behaviour by this man.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 14/09/2021 13:14

@ImitationofBeing

Reading this I'm wondering if your drink was spiked in some way.

Please dump him.
What he did was disrespectful, shocking lack of boundaries and god knows what he'll try next without your consent.

Massive red flags.

ALL of this I'm afraid.

FreeBritnee · 14/09/2021 13:21

So his friends know you are a ‘sexual couple’. This would make me assume he is regularly sharing what’s going on between you both in the form
of written/verbal communication, photos and videos. Potentially even online forums too. Just make sure you’re happy with that if you continue with the relationship. I’d also assume there’s no future in this and he’s just enjoying empty balls as most men who want to marry a woman aren’t happy that their friends have seen her having sex.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/09/2021 13:23

@FreeBritnee

So his friends know you are a ‘sexual couple’. This would make me assume he is regularly sharing what’s going on between you both in the form of written/verbal communication, photos and videos. Potentially even online forums too. Just make sure you’re happy with that if you continue with the relationship. I’d also assume there’s no future in this and he’s just enjoying empty balls as most men who want to marry a woman aren’t happy that their friends have seen her having sex.

Agreed with all of this.

His behaviour towards you in this respect makes me think he’s using you end feeding you the lines you want to hear so he can share sex photos, videos etc.

This isn’t right on any level. Dump and potentially report to the olive too. He doesn’t respect or even like you, one little bit, sorry.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/09/2021 13:23

Police not olive! Stupid autocorrect!

TaraR2020 · 14/09/2021 13:23

[quote rumred]@Imdone1000 I'd speak to the police. It sounds as though you've been filmed without your knowledge and it's been shared. Deeply worrying and criminal behaviour by this man.[/quote]
I agree with this, but it's completely up to you @imdone1000 - you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with

Plumtree391 · 14/09/2021 13:24

That's awful, Imdone.

Please - be done with him! No decent man would do that, he's a sleaze.

AuntMargo · 14/09/2021 13:26

WOW how abusive!. The first things that jumps at me from this is he has ZERO respect for you at all ! This is not someone to be in a relationship with, can you imagine how he talks about you to his friends, if he is happy to display you in a sexual act. GET RID OF THIS PIG

Servalan · 14/09/2021 13:28

OP, I'm so sorry this has been done to you.

I can understand you feeling confused and possibly in denial. It sounds as though this person has been grooming and gaslighting you, and is having a bit of a play around with your boundaries to see what he can get away with and how far he can persuade you that things you are uncomfortable with are actually fine.

The whole thing he's doing of spinning words to normalise what has happened is meant to make you doubt yourself and to shift your perception of what is acceptable.

The thing about saying what a "sexual" couple you are isn't just an indicator that he's oversharing your private life with his creepy friends. It's also a reinforcement of the belief system that he's trying to pedal to you. You are a 'sexual' person. Perhaps as a 'sexual' person you might be interested in taking things further - perhaps your boundaries can be extended.

If he really believed you were in on the act of sharing a sexual act over Facetime, how come he hadn't talked about it with you the next day before springing it on you in front of his friend? This does not have the ring of something you consentually did together - it is firmly something that has been done to you.

It is horrible, creepy, manipulative behaviour.

I agree with a poster above who said it might be worth having a chat with Rape Crisis or similar so you can contextualise it within your own boundaries and values and get some support for what has been a violation and a total mindfuck.

I also agree with other people that suggest spiking. I would not be at all surprised.

Iimaginethiswillbefun · 14/09/2021 13:30

I’m so sorry OP but if you have shared images of yourself it sounds like your boyfriend is the kind of lowlife twat who would share them. This is illegal. Take some advice from the police please.

The first thing he did was lie, so what else has he lied about. Please please dump him. Speak to the police in the first instance.

nettie434 · 14/09/2021 13:31

I suspect your drink was spiked too. You went to bed while everyone was carrying on drinking. You say parts of the night are blank. That is different to drunken blurriness.

I am so sorry you have had such a distressing experience. Telling his friends you are a 'sexual couple' is absolutely not the same as sharing intimate photos or videos. Even if your drink was not spiked, he took advantage of you not being aware of what he was doing. Please don't blame yourself - he is the one who has behaved unacceptably.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 14/09/2021 13:31

Sounds like he was using you (in a very degrading manner) to show off to his friends. Disgusting. Get rid asap, OP.

Freeloadingtosser · 14/09/2021 13:33

But what about if he’s telling the truth and I was laughing and joking about it. And was “ok” with it?
I just asked if him if I told him to answer the call and he said I told him to tell him we are busy

Sorry to say OP (this comes from unpleasant experience) but it sounds like he and his friends may do this kind of thing quite a bit. Even if he was drunk, he wouldn't have just decided to show his friend his knob on the phone, and you giving him oral sex, if it wasn't normal for them. I wouldn't be trusting him to keep your private lives private.

Anyway, you didn't say you were happy with it, you told him to get rid of his friend who called. Presumably sober you wouldn't have wanted him picking up the phone at all but either way you didn't agree to the ongoing video call. I don't like the sound of this and don't think you can trust these men.

Threewheeler1 · 14/09/2021 13:33

Sorry OP, just ask yourself what kind of "amazing in every way" bloke would do this to someone he supposedly loved?
He is a absolute scumbag & he sounds dangerous to me. What if he decides to escalate this next time? You shouldn't have to second guess yourself after having a drink with the man who is supposed to be looking out for you, not exploiting you.
Please try to get away from him.

Trappedinflatandskint · 14/09/2021 13:34

You say you're 'newly seeing a guy'. so not long enough to know he's amazing and this recent development shows he is far from amazing. Not even decent. Dump him immediately. Scum bag.

SavageBeauty73 · 14/09/2021 13:40

Seriously wrong. I'd be sneakily looking at his phone to check there was no inappropriate photos or videos of me then dumping him!

He sounds off key

KateTheEighth · 14/09/2021 13:40

I'll bet you anything he's done this before

Bin him

PicardyRose · 14/09/2021 13:46

He’s no gentleman, he’s massively disrespectful, indiscreet and possibly criminal too.

This sort of incident could have serious repercussions for your future. I would seriously consider reporting him to the police. Then dump him.

viques · 14/09/2021 13:46

So he has in effect live-streamed his own private porn show, starring his dick, and you. Classy. Nice of him to buy you a piece of jewellery though.

PenelopeWhipStop · 14/09/2021 13:47

I’m a ‘sexual person’ who has enjoyed receiving consensual videos from my sexual partners, so I’m no prude. The key is consensual - I wouldn’t dream of recording anyone without their knowledge or if they were drunk and it would be an instant dumping offence if someone recorded me or photographed me during sex. He is telling you he had consent but if you were so drunk you can’t remember…there is no consent there. He’s lied about it. Conspired with his friends. He’s making you think you should change your behaviour around him. These are massive red flags. He’s not a great guy. Without wishing to alarm you I think you should assume that either he or his friend has a recording of the incident and, if you’ve previously shared intimate photos with him, his friends have these too. I’d be devastated that a man I trusted and cared about had acted like he had. I’d call his bluff and ask to watch the video of it, dump him and have a think about whether I wanted to talk this further (ie police). You may have a different take on it but I’d urge you to read what everyone has said about him not being the man you thought he was.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/09/2021 13:49

@Freeloadingtosser

*But what about if he’s telling the truth and I was laughing and joking about it. And was “ok” with it? I just asked if him if I told him to answer the call and he said I told him to tell him we are busy*

Agreed here. Most “normal” blokes definitely don’t show their mates their knob on their phones even if drunk etc unless they have an ulterior motive.

In fact most exes I’ve had, they probably sometimes discuss some aspects of their sex/love lives with their close friends if they have to, but the vast majority certainly don’t over share certainly re sex in my experience.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/09/2021 13:52

Also, buying you lovely jewellery is very nice but saying he loves you after a couple of months, that is a red flag and it’s way too soon to say that to you especially in line with this other behaviour.

Honeymare · 14/09/2021 13:54

OP I know your inclination could be to try to figure out with him what happened as the brevity of the situation has not yet sunk in.

But you should really and truly cut all communication with him right now and then speak to a counsellor about it all.

There is no grey area here. What he did was wrong, very wrong.

Best case scenario (or the one you are naturally going to hope for) - you were drunk and behaving like you were into it. He didn't think you'd mind. He does love you and is a stand-up guy after all. You just need to knock the excessive drinking on the head and let him know this is not your thing.

But this theory doesn't stand up because he knew you didn't remember and he gave you three different stories. And the PPs are right, why would his friend facetime him? He most likely made the call himself. And no matter how sexual you are, you went to bed in a drunken state before him. You were not fit to consent to anything.

The other end of the spectrum is (I'm sorry) that you were spiked and taken advantage of. Why were you back out of bed and at his friends?

In between is the most likely that he's an immature dangerous sexual bully. He found you completely out of it but up for some action and filmed / phoned his friends against your knowledge. This is not laddish behaviour, this is criminal sexual assault.

He is gaslighting you too by talking about you being a sexual couple.

You need to get away from this man and talk to professionals. I would consider reporting him.

mewkins · 14/09/2021 13:54

@Imdone1000

But what about if he’s telling the truth and I was laughing and joking about it. And was “ok” with it? I just asked if him if I told him to answer the call and he said I told him to tell him we are busy.

If he thought you were OK with it and would be ok with it when sober then why did he lie when you asked him about it and then keep changing his story? He knew you wouldn't be happy about it when sober so he should have been looking after you, not exploiting your pissed state.

Ilovecharliecat · 14/09/2021 13:54

is your boyfriend Jay from the Inbetweeners?

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