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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunk situation - I don’t know what happened

220 replies

Imdone1000 · 14/09/2021 11:14

Hey all

I’m newly seeing a guy, he’s amazing in every way, we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. He’s currently working away so I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks so made the trip to go and stay with him at the weekend. It was the best weekend, he bought me a beautiful piece of jewellery and said I love you for the first time.
On Friday we drank with his friends and I admittedly got quite drunk. Parts of the night are blank. But I do remember taking myself off to bed and leaving the others to carry on drinking.
So the next day in the evening we went to a pub and I heard my boyfriend say to his friend, did you enjoy your FaceTime call? And they laughed. And I asked what do you mean? What FaceTime call. And he replied oh nothing he just tried to call whilst you was giving me a b............ and I said oh. I assumed this meant he didn’t take the call and he had just tried to call. I remember the bedroom antics but I don’t remember no call.
But I left it. Then the next few days the “did you enjoy your FaceTime call” played on my mind so I asked him about it and specifically said did you answer the call. And he said yea I wasn’t thinking you were fully dressed and he didn’t see anything it was dark. And the camera was at the back of my head. I made him aware that I wasn’t comfortable with this, and he said because we are a very sexual couple and his friends know this he didn’t think it would be a problem,,,and I said I just don’t want to be inviting people to watch me.
He said the only thing on view was his penis and called him out and said but you said the camera was at the back of my head.... he then went on to say that I was laughing about the situation at the time and we went back out to the friends after and I made a jokey comment about it. I don’t remember this at all,,,it could have happened because I was drunk. But I genuinly don’t remember that at all. The things that niggling me are when he initially asked his friend if he enjoyed the FaceTime call and I asked him he said oh nothing he “tried” to call. And his answer to this is because we were around other people he would want to share that with, so he just said that. Then also his story changed like he said you were fully clothed so he couldn’t see anything, and thy e camera was at the back of my head, to it was only his penis, I am really confused about the situation.
I take him to be an absolutely great guy and I would believe that he would be honest with me. But this has me confused. What do you think of it?
TIA x

OP posts:
MLMbotsno · 14/09/2021 14:56

@Imdone1000

He doesn't sound 'amazing in everyway'

Raise your bar. Sounds an immature and stupid prick. He certainly has no respect for you or what you want.

lovingtheheat · 14/09/2021 14:58

Absolute dealbreaker. You yourself said you were quite drunk. As such, you were not in a position to give consent. He took advantage of you and has been very disrespectful.

Mamadothehump · 14/09/2021 15:00

He told you he loved you then shared with his mate(s) you performing a sexual act on him. Think about this. It's not ok. That's not love, even if he did think you were ok with it. You deserve better Thanks

ChargingBuck · 14/09/2021 15:02

He didn’t video it. He was FaceTiming his friend. Not sure where the chat about a video etc has come from.

Facetime can be recorded, @HaggisBurger.

Although even if it wasn't, I don't see how that mitigates this man's appalling exploitation & criminal behaviour. I hope it wasn't recorded, as that would be easier for OP - but this whole episode stinks of pre-meditation to me - & I'll bet this isn't the first time Mr Amazing has done similar.

RantyAunty · 14/09/2021 15:08

This is just awful.

I think you need to go through his phone and see how long he was on that call, see if there are videos or photos of you on it and who he's sent them to.

Guys usually don't facetime. How many times have you seen him facetime with someone and especially at night?

Huge violation!

minatrina · 14/09/2021 15:13

OP I'm so sorry, this sounds awful

Your gut is telling you something and you need to listen. I would be very, very dubious that you'd consented to this. If you had, why would he firstly lie and imply that he didn't answer the call, then tell you the camera could only see the back of your head, then actually come out and tell you that the camera showed his penis - that means it inevitably showed more of you than the back of your head.

Also, I know that if I'd been in a situation where I'd perfectly enthusiastically done something with my partner whilst drunk that I was uncomfortable with once I'd sobered up, my partner would be devastated and would feel absolutely awful. Any decent person wouldn't for a second be dismissive like your boyfriend has been. This makes me think that the story of you being perfectly up for it whilst drunk isn't true - or else surely he'd be at least a little shocked/concerned when he realised how you feel this morning?

I really think you should talk to someone in real life about this too to help process it Thanks

minatrina · 14/09/2021 15:19

Oh and also, why do his friends know about your sex life? Were you aware of this, and even if you were aware of it was it something you were absolutely 100% comfortable with?

Phyllis321 · 14/09/2021 15:26

Wow, that's seriously messed up OP. You need to end things with him.

IcedPurple · 14/09/2021 15:28

Sorry, no, he is not an "absolutely great guy". Not close. He's a sleaze. Get rid of him right now and warn other women about him.

"amazing in every way"? I think not.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/09/2021 15:45

I'd be worried he'd being filming me after that conversation. And he definitely be dumped.

CharlieBoo · 14/09/2021 15:45

You’re already making excuses for his behaviour.. no gentleman would ever ever ever do that! Absolutely vile and you’ve been completely violated.. I would dump immediately

MeredithGreyishblue · 14/09/2021 15:51

He's a prick. Get rid. Nice people don't do that to people they love.

Enough4me · 14/09/2021 15:51

Don't blame yourself, but think about whether you are happy to be with someone who takes advantage of you when vulnerable. He could exploit future situations if you are drunk, tired, don't feel well, asleep etc. He is not trustworthy.

isthismylifenow · 14/09/2021 16:02

No OP, he really isn't amazing in every way.

This was a dispicable thing to do.

oakleaffy · 14/09/2021 16:03

What a vile and disrespectful man to do that.
He clearly has no respect to do that to you or anyone else without express consent.

CoffeeQueeeen · 14/09/2021 16:04

I'm so sorry to read this. Your ability to consent (either to sexual behaviour or a video call) is a issue here- im sorry you've experienced this. You should definitely end this relationship- Please take time to process your feelings about this and seek professional support if necessary.

Overall his attitude to his predatory (even if it was a massive lapse in judgement) behaviour says everything.

Can i suggest that you request a trigger warning to be added to your post? Unfortunately assaults do happen in this manner, and are recorded.

Wishing you all the best, sending support and love Biscuit

ShingleBeach · 14/09/2021 16:10

Are you OK, OP?

FlowersBrew

Whydidimarryhim · 14/09/2021 16:21

Poor you op that is terrible.
He’s lying for you.
I’d ask for his phone when you see him face to face -= don’t tell him ahead as he will delete it - where you really drunk - had you drunk a lot?
How dare he answer the phone or face time anyone whist you where being intimate with him. He’s not a nice guy 💐

Waitingforthecowstocomehome · 14/09/2021 16:31

@ThatSunnyCorner

I'd dump him immediately. He's a liar who filmed and streamed you without your consent engaging in a sexual act. There's nothing amazing or great about him, he's a seedy creep and what he did was illegal.
Absolutely. What a creep.
Lollypop701 · 14/09/2021 16:51

Before you dump him, play nice. get his phone and see what’s on there… delete as necessary . He is a grade A knobhead and you deserve so much better

NotaCoolMum · 14/09/2021 17:24

He’s a disgusting pig.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/09/2021 17:39

OP - hope you are ok Flowers

Please don’t feel guilty about drinking too much or ashamed of your behaviour or anything including what him and his mates might think. He’s massively taken advantage of you and exploited you and now it’s flagged up a few red flags you’re hopefully thinking of ending it. But not all men are like this, honestly.

2bazookas · 14/09/2021 18:24

He is not a great guy, he bribed you with a gift and flattery and sent his mates a film of you giving him a blowjob when he must have either known you were paralytic drunk or worst case scenario, spiked your drink. Then to cap it all he mocked you about it after.

That is not love.

He has no respect for you ( and  you seem to have none for yourself).
frerecoler · 14/09/2021 19:36

I hope you dump him.

He is no prince.

peardropsonarainyday · 14/09/2021 19:45

For god sake ok grow a bloody backbone and leave this perv ! To me it seems all a bit odd ! 1st time he said I love you , bought you a gift . You then blacked out and he live streamed you to his friend ? He's sick and garantee you he's done it before