Drunk situation - I don’t know what happened

[Imdone1000]

Hey all

I’m newly seeing a guy, he’s amazing in every way, we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. He’s currently working away so I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks so made the trip to go and stay with him at the weekend. It was the best weekend, he bought me a beautiful piece of jewellery and said I love you for the first time.
On Friday we drank with his friends and I admittedly got quite drunk. Parts of the night are blank. But I do remember taking myself off to bed and leaving the others to carry on drinking.
So the next day in the evening we went to a pub and I heard my boyfriend say to his friend, did you enjoy your FaceTime call? And they laughed. And I asked what do you mean? What FaceTime call. And he replied oh nothing he just tried to call whilst you was giving me a b............ and I said oh. I assumed this meant he didn’t take the call and he had just tried to call. I remember the bedroom antics but I don’t remember no call.
But I left it. Then the next few days the “did you enjoy your FaceTime call” played on my mind so I asked him about it and specifically said did you answer the call. And he said yea I wasn’t thinking you were fully dressed and he didn’t see anything it was dark. And the camera was at the back of my head. I made him aware that I wasn’t comfortable with this, and he said because we are a very sexual couple and his friends know this he didn’t think it would be a problem,,,and I said I just don’t want to be inviting people to watch me.
He said the only thing on view was his penis and called him out and said but you said the camera was at the back of my head.... he then went on to say that I was laughing about the situation at the time and we went back out to the friends after and I made a jokey comment about it. I don’t remember this at all,,,it could have happened because I was drunk. But I genuinly don’t remember that at all. The things that niggling me are when he initially asked his friend if he enjoyed the FaceTime call and I asked him he said oh nothing he “tried” to call. And his answer to this is because we were around other people he would want to share that with, so he just said that. Then also his story changed like he said you were fully clothed so he couldn’t see anything, and thy e camera was at the back of my head, to it was only his penis, I am really confused about the situation.
I take him to be an absolutely great guy and I would believe that he would be honest with me. But this has me confused. What do you think of it?
TIA x

@Famousinlove

When you first asked him, he lied to you. That's because he knew you didn't know it happened and didn't want it to happen.

Very good point. Clearly not true that he innocently thought you were up for it because he lied when you asked him.

No, just no. No good man would do this even if you said it was ok, particularly while you were drunk.

This is not a person that you can ever trust to cherish and protect you.

No no no no no. This is massively wrong, a huge violation and probably only the tip of the iceberg of what could happen next if you go along with it.

Please have some self-respect and break up with him, It's really not OK.

This is so freaking messed up.

Seriously!

I'd be out the door if my bf did this to me. Have more respect for yourself, you deserve better.

He’s been grooming you op, now he’s showing you his true colours feeling fairly pleased with himself that he’s got you under his thumb enough that you’ll put up with it. Things will only get worse from here if you stay.

Also if you were that drunk he was an arsehole for taking advantage. I promise you that a good man would not do that. Ick.

he said because we are a very sexual couple and his friends know this

WTactualF?
WHY do his friends "know this"?
It's nobody's business but yours & his.
This is such a disrespectful non-excuse, it makes the original behaviour worse, not better.

he didn’t think it would be a problem
Oh come on OP.
Of course he knew it would be a problem.
Funny how he's never tried it when you were sober enough to object, innit?

As to he’s amazing in every way - so are most people, 2 months into a new relationship. Take the bloody blinkers off, & see him as he really is:

Then also his story changed ... I am really confused

He's a liar, a manipulator, & has committed a sexual offence against you which he is now minimising & backtracking from.

Of course you feel confused - you have cognitive dissonance because you are trying to reconcile how this person can be an "amazing guy" AND a sexual predator who used your vulnerability when drunk to exploit & abuse you ... while laughing with his watching friends.

So you are dating a man who has a NON-CONSENSUAL video of you giving him head. You know how much further damage he could do with that, yes?

At the very least, you need an apology, & to see him delete that footage. Once you have that, if you don't dump him, prepare yourself to be continually humiliated & laughed at by this 'amazing guy' & his lowlife friends.

I am sorry this happened to you OP - & it is absolutely not your fault.

But now you know exactly what he is, if you don't dump him as soon as you've seen that video deleted (& I am sorry but it could already be copied, or circulating), you will be complicit in your own further misfortune.
This man is an abusive arsehole who believes your body & your privacy & dignity are his to exploit.

Ghost him immediately and contact the police.

@Imdone1000

But what about if he’s telling the truth and I was laughing and joking about it. And was “ok” with it? I just asked if him if I told him to answer the call and he said I told him to tell him we are busy.

Telling the truth? This arsehole?

You KNOW he isn't OP. he's already lied a few times about the 'story'.

"We are busy" does NOT mean "please film me & livestream it to your mates", does it?
To any reasonable, respectful person, it mean "go away".

You are wise to resolve not to drink so much again but he should be sufficiently 'wise' and respectful to know that people frequently don't know what they are doing when drunk! You were hardly in a fit state to consent.

I once got so drunk that I behaved really badly with a chap I had only met that day. It was a heck of a long time ago but I've frequently revisited the scenario and beaten myself up about it. However - the bloke didn't have to take advantage of me.

There are many men who wouldn't fancy a drunk woman.

I think he has behaved appallingly and has probably done the same thing before with other women - and will again.

Is this for real? If so, please dump his ass, and block him. That was not a consensual act - regardless of what you said/did whilst drunk. If you were drunk, you cannot consent. I can't think of any decent man who would think answering a call mid BJ was ok. Like others up thread, the blacked out periods lead me to be concerned that you may have been spiked. There are drugs which have a disinhibiting effect - they don't necessarily knock you out. Either way - this is a No Good Man. RUN do not walk out of there. And if you think you may have been spiked, consider talking to the police so he can't do this some other poor girl. Some of these drugs can be traced in a hair sample, long after they have cleared your digestive system.Take care

This must be really distressing to read OP.

I’m afraid I agree that he has violated your trust and shown himself to be a complete creep.
I hope you end it and I hope you make sure you have RL support. Counselling would be a great idea.

OP have you dumped the sleazy bastard yet??

Although from your posts it sounds like your going to forgive him, he will just spin you a load of bullshit then laugh about it with his mates

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I think your so called nice boyfriend needs to be dumped by you asap. I do not wish to upset you further but it could well be that you do not remember this drunken episode because your drink was spiked.

There are lots of red flags here, none of which you can ignore and all this has happened a mere few months in.

His friend likely saw you drunk and or otherwise out of it giving your bf a blow job. It was all deliberate and your boyfriend's story has kept changing too.

every single word of this. You know him 2 months. you have no idea what for sure that he is a "really great guy". Based on him answering a facetime call with his friend while his girlfriend was having sex with him he is definitely NOT a great guy.

you may have consented to the BJ but you didn't consent to it being shown to someone else. and you certainly didn't consent to it - it being you having sex with your boyfriend - being the subject of banter with his friends.

if you accept this and stay with him, I guarantee you will find other boundaries under assault. he is a fast worker on that, only 2 months in.

This is disgusting, unacceptable, and not far off being a literal crime? Your lovely boyfriend isn't lovely.

This isn't a very respectful way to treat someone you love is it? It all sounds very childish and laddy. Are you happy with him discussing and even videoing your sex life to his friends?

Have you told him you're not happy about it? I can't help but think if he were serious about the future of the relationship he would keep things private and respectful. When do you ever hear of decent, grown men sending sex videos of their wives to their friends?

I really hope you've taken the advice given on this thread and dumped this sleaze. It doesn't matter that you were drunk, you should be able to feel confident that your partner will take care of you if you get into a state, not take advantage of you when you're vulnerable. Ok, he may have been drunk as well and thought it was funny at the time, but he should have apologised afterwards and not lied about it!

I'm old and wise and now wouldn't put up with this bullshit, have done in the past and then i woke up and realised I was just being used, it wasn't funny, it wasn't respectful and I had zero respect for myself.
It's damaging to your self-esteem.
He has shown you zero repsect and he does not see this relationship as anything other than sex, men do not treat people they love and respect like this.
Please leave him. Work on your self-esteem and keep decent boundries.

What a tacky bloke you have, says he loves you after two months, buys you jewellery, and does things like this after you are all drunk.Romance at it's best, (not)

Omg!
What if his friends took screen shots or recorded it?

This isn’t someone I’d want to be in a relationship with.

I'm sorry, but this one's a dud. Back in the sea with him!

It's so far from being the behaviour of someone who is genuinely in love with you that I don't even know how to explain it. This isn't a slip-up or a mistake, this is a huge, neon, flashing warning sign, with sirens and everything!

Can you be sure that his mates don't know how "sexual" you are together because they've been watching?

I’d call his bluff and ask to watch the video of it, dump him and have a think about whether I wanted to talk this further (ie police).

THIS, OP!!

& I'm another PP who believes your 'amazing guy' made that facetime call himself. I also think he planned it, & would not be surprised if you were spiked - you were the only one of all the drinkers who needed to suddenly go to bed, weren't you?

However you decide to deal with this, please take steps to access some counselling. I am concerned that you were looking to blame yourself, instead of the perpetrator, & you will benefit from some expert help about where your sense of self is at right now, that you have been groomed by this liar to accept that your discomfort is unwarranted & you brought all this on yourself. YOU DID NOT, btw.

Dear OP, I am so sorry to hear this. I am a therapist and training in sex therapy but it doesn't really matter as I can not really add much to some of the other very wise posters. What people do in bed has to be consensual, what ever that is, there is a clear defining by both partners of a clear yes and no, for example, in bondage play people use safe words for no which are agreed before hand. In swinging a couple may have an agreement before hand about what they are both happy with. The point of this is consent, which is what you did not give. You cannot give consent if you are too drunk to remember large parts of the event and are unconscious for large parts of the act. If this was something you both enjoyed it would be discussed and boundaries set about what you both want , if you wanted to share your sexual activities with other people and wanted them recorded and shared. This could be done at another time when you were both fully sober. However you have not had any of these conversations and then your partner has sprung this on you after the event almost confirming that this is not a sexual agreement between you and is something that has been done to you. We all get drunk and some times stupidly so but that in itself whilst leaving you vulnerable is not consent for a sexual act to happen. Maybe reining in drinking may help but that is really the tip of the iceberg and doesn't address the issues of consent and boundaries. When you say he is nice and kind I wonder why you find it hard to see that people can be many things, he has crossed a boundary and also lied to you about the event after. Where are your own boundaries in this and do you know what they are clearly? It would be useful for you to contact a Rape Crisis Centre or someone professional to talk this through so you can work through your thoughts and feelings about the event. I am so sorry this whole event has happened to you and hope you can find a way forward in the next couple of days to give yourself some support in real life. X

@ChargingBuck

I’d call his bluff and ask to watch the video of it, dump him and have a think about whether I wanted to talk this further (ie police).

THIS, OP!!

& I'm another PP who believes your 'amazing guy' made that facetime call himself. I also think he planned it, & would not be surprised if you were spiked - you were the only one of all the drinkers who needed to suddenly go to bed, weren't you?

However you decide to deal with this, please take steps to access some counselling. I am concerned that you were looking to blame yourself, instead of the perpetrator, & you will benefit from some expert help about where your sense of self is at right now, that you have been groomed by this liar to accept that your discomfort is unwarranted & you brought all this on yourself. YOU DID NOT, btw.

He didn’t video it. He was FaceTiming his friend. Not sure where the chat about a video etc has come from.

Great guys don’t do shite like this.