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Original poster

Drunk situation - I don’t know what happened

220 replies

Imdone1000 · 14/09/2021 11:14

Hey all

I’m newly seeing a guy, he’s amazing in every way, we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. He’s currently working away so I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks so made the trip to go and stay with him at the weekend. It was the best weekend, he bought me a beautiful piece of jewellery and said I love you for the first time.
On Friday we drank with his friends and I admittedly got quite drunk. Parts of the night are blank. But I do remember taking myself off to bed and leaving the others to carry on drinking.
So the next day in the evening we went to a pub and I heard my boyfriend say to his friend, did you enjoy your FaceTime call? And they laughed. And I asked what do you mean? What FaceTime call. And he replied oh nothing he just tried to call whilst you was giving me a b............ and I said oh. I assumed this meant he didn’t take the call and he had just tried to call. I remember the bedroom antics but I don’t remember no call.
But I left it. Then the next few days the “did you enjoy your FaceTime call” played on my mind so I asked him about it and specifically said did you answer the call. And he said yea I wasn’t thinking you were fully dressed and he didn’t see anything it was dark. And the camera was at the back of my head. I made him aware that I wasn’t comfortable with this, and he said because we are a very sexual couple and his friends know this he didn’t think it would be a problem,,,and I said I just don’t want to be inviting people to watch me.
He said the only thing on view was his penis and called him out and said but you said the camera was at the back of my head.... he then went on to say that I was laughing about the situation at the time and we went back out to the friends after and I made a jokey comment about it. I don’t remember this at all,,,it could have happened because I was drunk. But I genuinly don’t remember that at all. The things that niggling me are when he initially asked his friend if he enjoyed the FaceTime call and I asked him he said oh nothing he “tried” to call. And his answer to this is because we were around other people he would want to share that with, so he just said that. Then also his story changed like he said you were fully clothed so he couldn’t see anything, and thy e camera was at the back of my head, to it was only his penis, I am really confused about the situation.
I take him to be an absolutely great guy and I would believe that he would be honest with me. But this has me confused. What do you think of it?
TIA x

OP posts:
Whattheschitt · 14/09/2021 11:46

Definitely dump him. What an utter creep.

BoredZelda · 14/09/2021 11:46

But what about if he’s telling the truth and I was laughing and joking about it. And was “ok” with it?

If you were so drunk you can’t remember it, it doesn’t matter what you were OK with at the time. Surely you actually know that?

RisingSunn · 14/09/2021 11:46

Awful.

I don't mean to be melodramatic. But Isn't this a criminal offense?!

purplecorkheart · 14/09/2021 11:46

Dump him. I would be concerned what other pictures/videos of you he is sharing with his friends/online.

Northeastsouthwest21 · 14/09/2021 11:48

@Imdone1000 i felt a bit sick on your behalf reading that. Also the fact he said all his mates know you’re very sexual rings alarm bells for me alongside the fact he is pushing the boundaries this early on in your relationship …. He doesn’t sound like a very nice man at all and when he answered that call he showed you his true colours. This would play on my mind massively and it would be a deal breaker for me.

CrasterKipper · 14/09/2021 11:49

To be honest, even if you said you were ok with it at the time it is a fucking WEIRD thing to do. There's no getting around that.

If someone even suggested that (male or female) in most relationships, the other person would most likely want to run a mile.

Some couples might be exhibitionists or whatever, fine, but that's something agreed and discussed between them with respect and boundaries in place.

And most people would not really want to receive a video of their mate getting/giving a blow job so the fact that his mates did is another red flag.

WeAreTheHeroes · 14/09/2021 11:50

You do know that he's only telling you that you were okay with it at the time. If you cannot remember then you were incapable of consenting to anything.

ThatSunnyCorner · 14/09/2021 11:50

@Imdone1000

I honestly don’t think my drink was spiked. But I have already made the decision not to drink like that anymore. If he is being truthful and I was ok with it at the time, this is not ok with me and I need to not allow myself to get in that vulnerable state again. Thanks everyone for your input xx
You need to watch the cup of tea cartoon about consent. He knew exactly what he was doing and that you were in no fit state to consent.

Can you not see how screwed up it is that you now feel you mustn't be vulnerable? Thats all the wrong way round. It's his behaviour that you should be questioning. Well, actually, no need to question it, he's shown himself for what he actually is and needs kicking into touch. I'd report him to the police if it was me, that's how awful his behaviour was.

Ughmaybenot · 14/09/2021 11:51

If you were so drunk you can’t remember it, it doesn’t matter what you were OK with at the time. Surely you actually know that?
This!! He took advantage of you while you were drunk ffs

ChaToilLeam · 14/09/2021 11:51

Horrible man with horrible friends. Dump him straight off, that is a vile thing to do.

Palavah · 14/09/2021 11:51

@Imdone1000

I honestly don’t think my drink was spiked. But I have already made the decision not to drink like that anymore. If he is being truthful and I was ok with it at the time, this is not ok with me and I need to not allow myself to get in that vulnerable state again. Thanks everyone for your input xx
Frankly, it sounds as though you were too drunk to consent to that kind of thing. And if he doesn't recognise that, what else would he do while you're too drunk to consent.

Also, he didn't say 'yeah, he facetimed while you were blowing me, you were fine with it at the time', he's already changed his story twice.

Please do not blame yourself. What he did is not ok.

ThatSunnyCorner · 14/09/2021 11:53

@Eve81

WTAF?! He sounds hugely immature. That would put me off massively even if he did think it was innocent. That’s something teenagers do (idiot ones at that).
If a teenager did it to my daughter, we'd be at the police station the next day. Let's not normalise sexual acts with people who are unable to consent. And moreso acts which are filmed and distributed.
TSSDNCOP · 14/09/2021 11:53

He is NOT a "great guy".

Not at all.

SmokyLittleBeefBath · 14/09/2021 11:53

You were too drunk to consent to being videoed. I'd now be questioning if this is the first time his phone has been streaming or recording you Hmm

ShingleBeach · 14/09/2021 11:53

OP, please review your boundaries.

It doesn’t matter if you were joking about it at the time. The bottom line is you can’t consent to stuff when drunk. The law is clear in that.

Plus he is lying.

I made him aware that I wasn’t comfortable with this, and he said because we are a very sexual couple and his friends know this he didn’t think it would be a problem
He is implicitly confirming here that HE made the decision, not you. He had no right to make that assumption on your behalf.

Stop trying to minimise his wrongdoing here by taking responsibility.

He cannot be trusted. He exposed your sexual activity on FaceTime, he then joked about it with friends, and the lied to you.

Your discomfort is telling you something.

Dump him.

Bbub · 14/09/2021 11:54

You should be able to feel vulnerable around your boyfriend without the risk of something like this happening.

I can see you're doubting yourself and it's difficult when you can't remember it but, but this is not Ok!! No lovely guy would assume their girlfriend would be OK with this.

If you don't dump him you'll never trust yourself or feel comfortable around his friends and/or when drinking, this is all so unhealthy

BrilloPaddy · 14/09/2021 11:54

Just remember that you have no idea if any of this was being recorded, and could be online or have been shared among others. And he allowed that to happen.

This man has absolutely no respect for you. Are you that desperate?

You need to set yourself some boundaries, OP, and that's meant kindly.

GammyLeg · 14/09/2021 11:55

Absolutely gross and violating. How can you ever trust him again?

Muchasgracias · 14/09/2021 12:01

@Imdone1000

But what about if he’s telling the truth and I was laughing and joking about it. And was “ok” with it? I just asked if him if I told him to answer the call and he said I told him to tell him we are busy.
Ask yourself this OP,

  1. Is this situation something you'd be ok with sober?

  2. If your boyfriend was drunk and vulnerable, as you were, would you have taken advantage of him in this way?

  3. You may have consented to drunken activity but you either a) did not consent to it being streamed to his mate or b) were too drunk to give consent (if you don't remember giving consent, you were very drunk).

At the end of the day, no decent guy would allow this to happen. Please don't make excuses. This is all on HIM, not you. What is on you is the choice you make next and you deserve so much better than this.

Geriatric1234 · 14/09/2021 12:01

@Imdone1000

Like what if I acted a certain way that made him believe it would be ok to do that
OP, no decent human would pimp out their partner like that after alcohol, even with permission. You can now never trust him to do the right thing and you can never drink around this man as he will use you to titillate or entertain his mates. The fact he thought you were okay with it is utterly irrelevant - any decent man would not even consider asking. Do you want to be with someone who wants to even ask that question??

Gross. Run.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 14/09/2021 12:02

[quote Northeastsouthwest21]@Imdone1000 i felt a bit sick on your behalf reading that. Also the fact he said all his mates know you’re very sexual rings alarm bells for me alongside the fact he is pushing the boundaries this early on in your relationship …. He doesn’t sound like a very nice man at all and when he answered that call he showed you his true colours. This would play on my mind massively and it would be a deal breaker for me.[/quote]
Agree with this. What does it mean that his friends know you’re very sexual couple? That sounds like someone has been massively oversharing only a couple of months in to the relationship. It seems as if he’s a guy who lets his mates know all the details of his sex life (and by extension, yours).
I’d be suspicious that he’s grooming you for threesomes / gang bangs / reality porn.
Get out now, he doesn’t love you.

Donotgogentle · 14/09/2021 12:03

Doesn’t matter if you seemed ok with it at the time op (although we only have his word for that remember).

No decent man would ever stream his girlfriend giving him a blow job unless he was absolutely certain she consented, sober, and it was something they were both into.

Your drinking here is absolutely not the problem, he is.

girlmom21 · 14/09/2021 12:05

@Imdone1000

Like what if I acted a certain way that made him believe it would be ok to do that
He knows what you're like when you're sober. Would sober you accept this behaviour?
Beamur · 14/09/2021 12:08

This is several shades of wrong.
I think he has behaved - at best - extremely disrespectfully towards you.
You shouldn't have to worry about being vulnerable with someone you should be able to trust.

Goldie9931 · 14/09/2021 12:09

I don't say this often but RUN

What if his friend has recorded it?
If you were so drunk none of this should have crossed his mind. I repeat, someone assuming you will be fine with recording or phoning someone during a sexual act while you're drunk is not a good guy! RUN