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Boyfriend has lost his head and I'm due a baby in 5 weeks
keegslittlepenguin · 05/09/2021 13:45
Hoping someone can offer advice
My partner and I got together last June, I fell pregnant in January and we both planned the baby.
Before I fell pregnant everything was great,
Slowly he started to change even said he didn't want the baby,
He started a new job 3 months ago and changed more
Then out of nowhere he said he feels time is running out and wants to go out with the lads.
I let him have a full weekend staying at his mates where he done what he wanted
He said he's gonna do it weekly until baby is here
I told him I think it's unfair sleeping out every weekend
Even his family agree with me
I have also had issues with baby and upto a month ago he said he didn't want her and admitted he is really scared about bring a dad
He come to a scan 2 weeks ago and cried and realised he does want her he's scared which I totally understand
After a series of arguments over him wanting to be out and naming absolutely no effort with me he's gone to his sisters
He has been out all weekend again and said he will.come tonight and stay.
Question is do I let him continue his blow outs how long do I allow it or do I just call it a day because he's leaving me at my most vulnerable time.
I do love him and feel none of my feelings have been taken into consideration at all he's been very selfish
Any advice welcome
TakeYourFinalPosition · 05/09/2021 13:52
How old are you both?
It shouldn’t matter, of course, but he doesn’t sound at all ready for this baby, and he doesn’t sound like he can be a good partner to you right now. He isn’t ready to give up nights out and single life.
He’ll learn how to be a dad, but I’d be sorting myself out to do it alone for a bit, as I’d be concerned the relationship isn’t working out. Whose house do you live in? What support have you got?
SleepingBunnies21 · 05/09/2021 13:59
No offence but you got pregnant/he got you pregnant way way too fast.
It takes a couple of years to even get to know someone properly.
That's obviously pretty irrelevant now (other than trying to never get into the same position again with any future partner).
He's acting like a flaky, selfish, irresponsible (cruel actually) bastard, and the stress could not being do you any good.
Newborns can be very tough indeed, and you need to be settled, with as little stress as possible. So I'd say either he's in or he's out. Give him the ultimatum- he's either in as a full-time partner and father or he's not. If he is, you both get equal, reasonable nights out etc. He stops the wailing and steps up.
If hes not he can have a relationship with his child without being in a relationship with you, he'd see them on agreed days for agreed times (doesn't have to ge in your home) no fucking about.
I'm sorry but i don't think he wants to ve fully in, and he's also likely to do the minimum and be flaky. You'll need to.gather as much support around you as possible.
ShitShop · 05/09/2021 14:02
It’s all happened so quickly - you really don’t know someone at all until you’ve been with them for a couple of years. Planning a baby after a few months together was never going to end well. But you are where you are. He sounds utterly uninterested in the baby - or you as the mother of his baby - but it sounds like you letting him blow off steam at weekends and “do whatever he wants” has given him the upper hand here.
Ideally you would find your self respect, make sure you had good support around you to be a single mum, and sack him off. But I suspect you won’t do that. I imagine you’ll have to suck it up, he’ll still be going out every weekend when the baby’s here, and you’ll be upset that he doesn’t pull his weight. The only way is to expect nothing of him, then you can’t be disappointed. As I guaranteed that he will not be ready to pick up the responsibility of being a dad any time soon.
I hope you’re close to family, both emotionally and physically, as I suspect you’ll need them. Luckily there is financial and practical support available for single mums so you’ll be ok, but emotionally this man/boy is going make you miserable. You’ll grow up pretty fast when you become a mum and his immaturity will be even more obvious and annoying to you.
Beamur · 05/09/2021 14:07
Ask him to leave and not come back until he is willing to be committed to behaving like a man with responsibilities.
If he doesn't come back you know where you stand.
I think I would also add that he doesn't get months to mull this over either. The longer he dithers the more harm it will do to your relationship.
Urghhhhh · 05/09/2021 14:08
How old are you two?
He sounds utter terrified of the responsibility of being a dad and he's rebelling against you and acting out. I wouldn't hold out much hope for him to turn around a be a decent partner when baby gets here. He got swept up in the fantasy of playing house and now he's pondering all the things he has to give up and shitting himself.
Don't have babies 6 months into a relationship next time.
SleepingBunnies21 · 05/09/2021 14:08
You may love him, but sorry he's not acting like he loves you.
What a cruel way to behave tk a woman expecting your child after agreeing to continue the pregnancy.
Telling you he doesn't want your baby at a scan, demanding eveey weekend out ..... from where I'm standing he's an incredibly immature, selfish, short sighted, arrogant bastard & wanker.
Your memories of your pregnancy and scans tainted by this sort of behavior. Stressed out by him when you should be relaxed and supported. He's a disgrace.
Is this going to.continue to the birth and new born period; him tainting them as well, and causing you stress on top of the incredible demands of a new baby? It seems likely.
Seems like you'd be better to chuck him out, stop having sex with him him you still are (he doesn't fkg deserve your body) abd get set up for your new baby as a single mum, including a child maintenance application which can come out of his new job salary (!) It seems like that's all he's useful for.
Quite honestly i
notHarris · 05/09/2021 14:10
Oh dear, I'm sorry this is happening to you op, he really doesn't sound mature enough to be a dad..... which he should have thought of before you got pregnant but of course too many dads are able to swan off and take little responsibility.
I think all you can really do is start making plans to be a single parent. Do you have other support around you? Will you cope financially? (Make sure he pays what he owes)
There doesn't seem to be much mileage in spending the last few weeks of pregnancy arguing constantly that'll only stress you out more.
Lakeshore6 · 05/09/2021 14:15
I’m sorry, but it doesn’t look like you both have much of a future.
To be trying to conceive 6 months or less into a relationship is pretty irresponsible. It seems like neither of you were mature enough to understand how important it was for the both of you to learn about each other and build a strong foundation for bringing up a child for the rest of your lives.
Leg it and learn.
category12 · 05/09/2021 14:21
He's an adult - you don't have the power to "allow" or refuse him going out.
As you will no doubt find out the moment you try to stop him.
It's up to you what you tolerate in a partner, but you can't try to control them and think that's a healthy dynamic.
I would plan for raising the baby alone.
Givemethatknife · 05/09/2021 14:23
You got pregnant way way too fast. However you are where you are. You don’t sound ready to kick him out, but you have to assume you are going to be a single mother because he doesn’t sound ready to be a father and his relationship with you isn’t well established.
Talk to your parents, tell them you are really hoping it will work but it may not. Figure out where you will live if if doesn’t. Warn him you can’t carry on with this. Give him a chance when she arrives if you want, but if he doesn’t pull himself together pretty rapidly do get rid.
Then, figure out what you are going to do to give you and the baby a decent life - who will look after her when you go back to work or start at college?
Pinkbonbon · 05/09/2021 14:28
I think you should end the relationship definately. That doesn't mean he wont be a dad to the child of course but he is a useless partner so its time to call that side of it a day.
I'd move forward as a single parent and not expect any help off him. But id also put down boundaries whereby once you have the baby he finds his consistency or moral fibre or he can do one.
Fireflygal · 05/09/2021 14:28
It seems he was in the honeymoon stage of relationship when a baby seemed like a good idea. Reality of the responsibility has hit and he realises it isn't what he wants.
Sadly it is women who suffer the consequences of a decision to have a baby. You won't be the first but I think you did rush the decision so must share responsibility. It takes 2 years to know someone and you are now just finding out about him.
I would let him go and hope that he will be a responsible father, at least contributing financially.
Do you have family support?
QueeniesCroft · 05/09/2021 14:29
I think you need to spend this time sorting out support and help for the first few weeks, which can be brutal. He won't be much use to you, if he is there at all.
You might want to sort out a birth partner too- babies work to their own schedule and this one may arrive when he is out on the piss with his mates. I would think about not putting his name on the birth certificate too. It won't affect his liability for support payments, but it will mean that he has a much weaker legal position with regard to making decisions about the baby. And for the love of all that is holy, don't give the baby his surname!
I suppose that at least this one is giving you advance notice that he is about as much use as tits on a bull. Loads of them don't and there is a woman left stunned and unprepared when everything is dumped on her. Make plans, look for single parent support groups, and think about ditching the man-baby.
TaraR2020 · 05/09/2021 14:31
Regardless of your ages and the wisdom of having a baby together so soon, end this relationship now.
Whatever his reason for it, he's already showing you his attitude towards this baby. He isn't taking any responsibility nor will he do.
If you end it now you can focus on building a life for you and your baby, with support from those who do care, independent of him, rather than going through all the grief, pain, hurt and stress that is coming away if you keep flogging this dead horse.
Make the power move now. If he decides later to be involved with his child, you can control the how and when to ensure it's in your child's best interests.
Ansjovis · 05/09/2021 14:45
If he's like this before baby comes he is not going to have a hope afterwards. Do you have family to support you after you've given birth? I can't advise on whether you should end your relationship or not but I can say that relying on this man for support after you've given birth is a very bad idea.
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