Boyfriend has lost his head and I'm due a baby in 5 weeks

[keegslittlepenguin]

Hello

Hoping someone can offer advice

My partner and I got together last June, I fell pregnant in January and we both planned the baby.

Before I fell pregnant everything was great,

Slowly he started to change even said he didn't want the baby,

He started a new job 3 months ago and changed more

Then out of nowhere he said he feels time is running out and wants to go out with the lads.

I let him have a full weekend staying at his mates where he done what he wanted

He said he's gonna do it weekly until baby is here

I told him I think it's unfair sleeping out every weekend

Even his family agree with me

I have also had issues with baby and upto a month ago he said he didn't want her and admitted he is really scared about bring a dad

He come to a scan 2 weeks ago and cried and realised he does want her he's scared which I totally understand

After a series of arguments over him wanting to be out and naming absolutely no effort with me he's gone to his sisters

He has been out all weekend again and said he will.come tonight and stay.

Question is do I let him continue his blow outs how long do I allow it or do I just call it a day because he's leaving me at my most vulnerable time.

I do love him and feel none of my feelings have been taken into consideration at all he's been very selfish

Any advice welcome

After 6 months, you should have been planning a holiday not a baby! For goodness sake! You've introduced him to your kids and deliberately got pregnant when you barely know him. Very irresponsible, it sounds like you both need to grow up, even if you are 36.

All you can do now is get rid of him and focus on your soon to be three children. You can arrange child maintenance and for him to see the baby. Your children don't need to be around a man like that full time.

@TheWeatherWitch

I have to agree with pp. you got ‘accidentally’ pregnant way too soon, within 6 months is ridiculous. You barely know each other and in these days of very reliable contraception and actual killer diseases (hepatitis anyone?) nobody should have an unplanned pregnancy.

Put your child first. Time to grow up op, I say this as someone who got pregnant at 16 but a long, long while ago!

It was no accident...it was a planned baby

I can't get over the fact that in 6 months you've dated this guy, introduced him to kids, moved him in AND had a planned baby.

He's preparing the ground for being a shit dad and leaving whenever it gets too much, ensuring that you never demand more than slim pickings from him. Yes, people with shitty upbringings will have wobbles about parenthood but are you really going to put up with this? As ever, the one carrying the baby is the only one actually expected to be responsible for them. Good luck with your pregnancy. I would say tough love with the boyfriend 'you can come back when you are ready to be consistent and adult, and if i still want you to'. No doubt he's been shagging around in an attempt to shake off those awful doubts

Friend of mine went through something similar

They’d been together 2 weeks before she fell pregnant. (She was told she was infertile. As had he).

A few weeks before baby was due. He said the same. Acted the same. After baby was born. He went off into himself for over a year. Saying he hadn’t wanted the child etc. He did eventually come round. But it took years. He was diagnosed with some type of father post partum. Apparently that’s a thing now. He had therapy. Had medications. But it took a long time.

My friend just let it play out. She sorted herself out so that if he never came back. Or decided he wanted anted nothing to do with either permanently. Then she was sorted.

If I’m honestly. Sadly the relationship between father and child never recovered. Even years later. Many years later. It’s not like it should be. He never properly came back and ended up walking out on them both one morning after saying goodbye and that was that

None of this sounds good. I’m so sorry to say. You like my friend both had children early on. Though my friend had resigned to the fact she’d never have kids.

It’s a strange one. I often think the honeymoon phase takes over and then reality sets in.

Men can just simply walk away. But women never can.

Fingers crossed for you both. Not sure what the answer is. But if I was in your shoes. I’d do what my friend did and got all her Ducks in a row and if he never came back. She was set.

Christ I thought you were both teenagers! At nearly 30 he needs to stop being a bellend and as a 36 year old mum of two you should know better. Bringing a baby into such a short term relationship with a man who still wants to act like a 19 year old will be full of fun. Good luck with it.

@keegslittlepenguin

Hi all

Thank you for your replies

Firstly I am 36 I have a very good job I my own home and have 2 older children.

I a very independent woman and can look after myself

I didn't ask for judgement I asked for advice

When we got together we both wanted the same things

My partner is 29 and does not have children

Due to my career we chose to have the baby now as I've gone for a promotion which starts January

I have 2 children a 14 and 11 year old.

They do not know amhyhing about these issues and currently think he is working away

I have spoken to him at great lengths and he states I'm be best partner he's ever had, I want nothing from him I just love him, he remains he loves me and wants yo be with me.

We had a scan and he got upset and realised he does want the baby he was just petrified due to his past and his upbringing which I do understand to an extent

He said he feels like time is running out and I told him just because he is going yo be a dad does not mean he loses his identity he can still go out and do his thing as I will also

But upto a month ago he never did go out so it took me by surprise

I have already got plans in place and very well prepared to go it alone I am no mug and I was on my own before

I think you’ve said something really telling there

You’ve said you expect nothing from him. But that’s not something I think is positive in a relationship

We should expect certain things from a partner. Love. Respect. Honestly. Loyalty.

In fact. Expecting those things means we don’t get taken for a mug. Which it seems like you are.

I would really start to question what you want from him and then. If you get them great. If you don’t. Respect your own self. Because if he won’t. At least you do. You’ve got this.

There is absolutely no point giving the OP shit about being pregnant. That ship has sailed.

OP you need to cut your losses. He either didn't really know what he was getting into when you planned to get pregnant or is a feckless piece of shit who has done a u-turn. In neither scenario is he cut out to be a good dad. He very obviously isn't going to be someone you can rely on even to be at home with you, let alone to support you when the baby is here.

Better for you to find this out now than three or four years down the line.

Start making plans now for a life without him. Do you have somewhere else you can go? Can you stay with family? Do you work/have benefits in place?

OP I got pregnant 5 months into my relationship...15 years later we remain together and very happy. Ignore the judgers! From what you've written he doesn't sound like a bad person, just scared about being a dad?

If it were me I wouldn't write him off just yet. Hopefully when baby's here, he will realise his responsibilities and adjust to being a father. I think sometimes it's harder for men to get their heads round being a parent while their partner is pregnant, as they don't have that same connection to the baby the woman has just yet.

Not saying you have to be a doormat, but life isn't always black and white.

In terms of advice, I think the only thing to do is to prepare to raise this child alone.

I'd make sure you are financially, practically, and personally ready to be a single parent. That means building up networks of support, getting ready in terms of work, finding a nursery or other childcare, and figuring out how to claim maintenance.

I'd be very clear to your partner exactly what the baby needs and what your expectations are. Tell him that it's his choice to live up to these expectations or not, but that he doesn't get to keep one foot in and one foot out. Decide where your boundaries are and stick to them. That could mean, for instance, that if he decides he's not ready to be a father, he has to move out immediately, before the baby arrives.

I'd make sure you keep open lines of communication with your kids. They need to know that you're still on their side, that anything that happens with your partner or with the new baby won't displace them, etc. They also need to know that the decision you've made to have another child isn't on them--so it's not their responsibility to babysit, etc. They should be welcome, however, to be as much a part of the process as they want to be. The bond will be different between a 14-year-old and a newborn than, say, a three-year-old and a newborn, but it's a vital bond nevertheless.

Finally, I suppose my number one piece of advice is to focus on what's to come, not the past. You don't really know this man. He hasn't proved love to you in any way that matters. You might care for him, but your feelings for himincluding the way you're hurting right nowis beside the point. What's important is facing the future and doing what's right for the baby who's coming. And what's right is not having a reluctant, selfish, half-present father. He's in or he's out.

The poster above me may well have a point--that life isn't black or white. I suppose my indignation got in the way there a bit. That said, do be clear what your boundaries are. He doesn't get to treat you, or your baby, like shit.

@WaterAndRichTea

So he goes out all weekend, doing goodness knows what, Then on Sunday expects to come back to you?

Hell no, Have more respect for yourself !

I couldn't have put it better myself Get rid of this waste of space, you have 2 older kids, a baby coming you'd be better on your own

@crouchingpheasant

OP I got pregnant 5 months into my relationship...15 years later we remain together and very happy. Ignore the judgers! From what you've written he doesn't sound like a bad person, just scared about being a dad?

If it were me I wouldn't write him off just yet. Hopefully when baby's here, he will realise his responsibilities and adjust to being a father. I think sometimes it's harder for men to get their heads round being a parent while their partner is pregnant, as they don't have that same connection to the baby the woman has just yet.

Not saying you have to be a doormat, but life isn't always black and white.

Did you have two older children when that happened?

Leave and get on with your life. When he grows up he can see where you're at ( but I bet you'll have moved on).

@Menstrualcycledisplayteam no, first child

I can't stand that expression, "I fell pregnant", as though it just randomly happened, nothing to do with you or the man. Sorry, but no advice to offer except I hope you choose better next time and take your time before bringing another life into the world.

You should expect things from the partner and father of your child. Never tell someone you expect nothing from them as, by doing so, you are giving them carte blanche to treat you like crap for ever more. If someone expects that of you in order to be in a relationship with you - ie that they owe you nothing - then they are not good partnership (let alone father) material.

Before I fell pregnant everything was great

Well of course, you'd only been together for 6 months!

29?? I thought you were going to say he was about 17/18. He needs to grow TF up. You sound like you’d do fine as a single Mum however which is good because I’ve got no doubt at all that this man is not mature enough to be an involved father.

'He come to a scan 2 weeks ago and cried and realised he does want her he's scared which I totally understand'

Jesus Christ; this absolute corker is usually found in about paragraph seven of every single 'Take A Break' story in which a woman prematurely gets pregnant by a feckless waster 🙄 It's always a temporary backbone, btw. Never ends with him stepping up.

I was full of sympathy when I thought you were a scared and naïve 18 year old. But a grown-ass woman of 36 with a teen and a pre-teen?

Obviously there's no point remonstrating about your lack of judgement and irresponsibility toward your children; that ship has sailed.

Kick the manchild into touch, focus on preparing your existing children for what's ahead and get any and all support in place that you can. You already know the first year with a baby can destabilise the most secure relationships, so no point relying on your current partner if he can't even cope with a pregnancy. Your 14 and 11yo will need a lot of emotional support when the baby comes, so make sure that's high in your priorities.

And don't introduce a bloke in under a year, ffs. They're kids, they deserve stability.

I guess you just wanted another baby and you didn’t care about the quality of the sperm.

So you got your baby, you just need to cut this loser lose.

advice - prepare to be a single mum

I would not tolerate this shit. one weekend out yes, not every weekeend. he is acting like a child

wow I am really shocked your 36, and you have two older children. You are clearly a very irresponsible lady

So, it sounds like you met and planned a baby in lockdown - there's your answer to " he never went out much before". So you only knew him as he was when he couldn't go out anyway. Now things are getting back to normal, he's probably doing what he did before he met you. Everyone has behaved differently lately, it's not been a good time to measure where someone's qualities lie and make big decisions like a baby - I'm wondering who brought up the subject and pushed for it more? Did you always fancy another before it would be too late, or was this just for him?
It's easy to get loved up when you're in a pandemic bubble together, and the world doesn't impinge, no friend or family meets to compete for time.
Let's hope he is just having a blow out before your baby arrives and does a turnabout, I wouldn't bank on it though. My son's father was up & down about things during my pregnancy, no he didn't turnabout and come good in the end, he actually went out more than ever, developed an alcohol problem, and has died since. Why? Because he had bad childhood experiences. We'd been together 9 years, he was 35, so it's not necessarily the short space of time you've known him, you knew enough about his past, but like me, probably have underestimated the impact a bad childhood can have on someone in the future. His past experiences are the main issue, not how long you've known him, or how old he is.