Boyfriend has lost his head and I'm due a baby in 5 weeks

[keegslittlepenguin]

Hello

Hoping someone can offer advice

My partner and I got together last June, I fell pregnant in January and we both planned the baby.

Before I fell pregnant everything was great,

Slowly he started to change even said he didn't want the baby,

He started a new job 3 months ago and changed more

Then out of nowhere he said he feels time is running out and wants to go out with the lads.

I let him have a full weekend staying at his mates where he done what he wanted

He said he's gonna do it weekly until baby is here

I told him I think it's unfair sleeping out every weekend

Even his family agree with me

I have also had issues with baby and upto a month ago he said he didn't want her and admitted he is really scared about bring a dad

He come to a scan 2 weeks ago and cried and realised he does want her he's scared which I totally understand

After a series of arguments over him wanting to be out and naming absolutely no effort with me he's gone to his sisters

He has been out all weekend again and said he will.come tonight and stay.

Question is do I let him continue his blow outs how long do I allow it or do I just call it a day because he's leaving me at my most vulnerable time.

I do love him and feel none of my feelings have been taken into consideration at all he's been very selfish

Any advice welcome

So, it sounds like you met and planned a baby in lockdown - there's your answer to " he never went out much before". So you only knew him as he was when he couldn't go out anyway. Now things are getting back to normal, he's probably doing what he did before he met you. Everyone has behaved differently lately, it's not been a good time to measure where someone's qualities lie and make big decisions like a baby

So true, covid hasn't been 'real life' in so many ways. Six months into a new relationship would be an irresponsibly short space of time for a parent of two to plan a baby with their new partner, let alone during covid madness.

At 36 you are naive and irresponsible. You choose to have a baby with a fuck nugget who you don’t know.

Bloody hell, I thought you were about 18 by your post.

You got pregnant after 6 months because of an upcoming promotion? Ok then.

I am horrified that a 36 year old would be so stupid to meet, move in and have a baby within 6 months, let alone with elder children in the mix. How utterly irresponsible and ridiculous.

Jesus some PPs are really showing their colours! Is there really any need for all the criticism and judgement on a woman who is heavily pregnant and reaching out for support?? OP I'm sure you're a wonderful mum, please don't listen to a load of strangers on the internet. Shouldn't we be building each other up instead of tearing each other down?

Let him go, he sounds like a dead loss.

@WhatsTheBFD

I am horrified that a 36 year old would be so stupid to meet, move in and have a baby within 6 months, let alone with elder children in the mix. How utterly irresponsible and ridiculous.

This!!!

Well yes but what's done is done. It's far too late to undo now.

Op wants a bit of support for the situation she is currently in, not what might have been.

I was delighted, op, to read that you have your own home and a decent job.

We had a scan and he got upset and realised he does want the baby he was just petrified due to his past and his upbringing which I do understand to an extent Sorry but that is a lie and you clearly fell for it. I had a very traumatic upbringing; physical abuse, sexual abuse etc. However that's never made me be a cunt to my children or partner. It certainly would never make me abandon them. I know all abuse victims are different but I've met a lot and none use their trauma as an excuse.

@AveryGoodlay that's good, it's not made you incapable, but that is your situation. I'm guessing also that you're a mother. It is different for men, they don't have 9 months of feeling a baby growing and moving inside them for a start. They don't get flooded by hormones making them feel all nurturing and squishy with love. What she could be up against is a man who has been blocking out his past for decades, and when a baby makes him remember stuff, he'd rather not face it and block some more by going out lots and not dealing with any of it. If he's willing to have some counselling, that could be a start,, that is what the OP could suggest to him as a help with being less scared.

I now tend to think of my child first.

I think 'what kind of a role model am I being?'

I let my ex treat me badly. I now have a daughter who can be disrespectful to me at times. I believe this is because she copies how her father acts/acted. I think it's harder to undo the damage afterwards and wish I'd taken a stand a lot sooner.

End of the summer holidays and the creative writing class is in full swing i see.

What annoys me is when some women plan kids, as well as the man of course, and then say they don't mind and are quite prepared and able to go it alone, I mean that's quite remarkable and something that shouldn't be discounted, as it is hard, I know. But what about the children who might need a father, or might like to have one?!
It can swing both ways, you can know someone years and it turns out bad or short time and it also goes wrong. It's more about the person that counts, as to how they can turn out to be. He is young, some won't agree, but being the age group I am now, and been dating etc, I have come across a lot of men like this, and when I was 29 I didn't think about kids either. But he did of course, but has changed his mind and is now panicking about nights out!
Men like this will never be ready for kids you get older guys like this too.

Oh don't lol just reading some of the responses having already posted my own. But I know of a woman who was 39/40 with teenage kids, two, so like the OP, just got her life back a bit, started going out etc. And was briefly seeing this guy, I will never believe that it happened by 'accident' as she's used that excuse before. But she went and allowed herself to get pregnant by this guy, who dropped her like a hot potato and then she wondered afterwards how it all went wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️ and sad that he didn't want to have involvement 🙄

Opentooffers My partner has been through the same, as have countless men I have worked with and they haven't abandoned their children

This is what happens when you decide to have a baby with someone you've known 5 minutes.
You should have used a sperm bank if you were that desperate for a child but, you didn't, so now you've tied yourself to this 'man' forever and will need to make the best of it for your child. Whatever that means. Time to start putting your child/children first.

You planned a baby after being together for six months?! You’re probably only starting to see the real side of this person. A person that’s probably nowhere near ready.

Jesus wet he sounds like a 5 year old.

@Seesawmummadaw

At 36 you are naive and irresponsible. You choose to have a baby with a fuck nugget who you don’t know.

Not much more to it than this.

What's the point of scolding the op for becoming pregnant with a man she didn't know very long? She's not the first and won't be the last and it's done now. Thankfully she is in a better position than many women who do the same and is not dependent on the baby's father (though a positive input from him would be welcome); I'm pretty sure she won't be doing it again.

I can just imagine my mother echoing many posts on this thread: "You're a bloody fool, what were you thinking of? You've saddled yourself with another eighteen years........", endlessly, but when the baby arrives, all the attention levelled at me immediately transferred to the child.

A baby is supposed to be a blessing. Good luck op.

@Plumtree391

What's the point of scolding the op for becoming pregnant with a man she didn't know very long? She's not the first and won't be the last and it's done now. Thankfully she is in a better position than many women who do the same and is not dependent on the baby's father (though a positive input from him would be welcome); I'm pretty sure she won't be doing it again.

I can just imagine my mother echoing many posts on this thread: "You're a bloody fool, what were you thinking of? You've saddled yourself with another eighteen years........", endlessly, but when the baby arrives, all the attention levelled at me immediately transferred to the child.

A baby is supposed to be a blessing. Good luck op.

This is a fair take, to be honest.

Good luck, OP but I'd echo everyone else on this thread - you can't make this man do anything. He'll either step up or he won't - he almost certainly won't. So you need to prepare for life without him; it sounds like you've done it before and so you can do it again.

Don't put any more energy into this man - he has to decide to come around himself - put all of your attention on your existing children and the new arrival. Good luck.

Too late now but this was always likely to end in single parenthood. Don't put him on the birth certificate.