Boyfriend has lost his head and I'm due a baby in 5 weeks

[keegslittlepenguin]

Hello

Hoping someone can offer advice

My partner and I got together last June, I fell pregnant in January and we both planned the baby.

Before I fell pregnant everything was great,

Slowly he started to change even said he didn't want the baby,

He started a new job 3 months ago and changed more

Then out of nowhere he said he feels time is running out and wants to go out with the lads.

I let him have a full weekend staying at his mates where he done what he wanted

He said he's gonna do it weekly until baby is here

I told him I think it's unfair sleeping out every weekend

Even his family agree with me

I have also had issues with baby and upto a month ago he said he didn't want her and admitted he is really scared about bring a dad

He come to a scan 2 weeks ago and cried and realised he does want her he's scared which I totally understand

After a series of arguments over him wanting to be out and naming absolutely no effort with me he's gone to his sisters

He has been out all weekend again and said he will.come tonight and stay.

Question is do I let him continue his blow outs how long do I allow it or do I just call it a day because he's leaving me at my most vulnerable time.

I do love him and feel none of my feelings have been taken into consideration at all he's been very selfish

Any advice welcome

How is having a new sibling at 14, going to prevent the OP's child from completing her GCSE exams at 16 ?

Nobody said that.

What is it with posters and the extreme, OTT interpretation of every relevant point a poster makes on this thread?

Of course the 14 yr oldand their sibling will be completely unaffected by this situation in every possible way, right?

Because teenagers don't find things tough at the best of times, without this sort of man in and out of their lives (and home) as the father of their new half sibling.

@SudokuZebra you're tying yourself in knots trying to claim that introducing a feckless stepdad you've dated a few months and bringing a new child into the lives of 2 kids is anything other than deeply, deeply irresponsible.

Let's spell this out then: you're 14, your parents get divorced, within 2 years a random man has moved in, now your mum is pregnant, he's disappearing at weird hours, you see your mum upset after he tried to disown the child, now he's banned from the house, there's a tiny baby that your mum is trying to care for solo, you're in the midst of two broken relationships with co-parenting. How can that not have an effect on a child?!?!?! How is that positive in your mind?

I'm sure their mums been on top form emotionally too for the last while, with their father of her baby deciding he didn't want their child, until.a recent scan ... (though hrs still now moved into his sister's place) and going out, sleeping elsewhere every weekend etc.

@SudokuZebra you're tying yourself in knots trying to claim that introducing a feckless stepdad you've dated a few months and bringing a new child into the lives of 2 kids is anything other than deeply, deeply irresponsible.

Is SZ the poster who's done similar?

@SudokuZebra

Well no, as I don't have any children *@SleepingBunnies21*

I just think piling on and criticizing a heavily pregnant woman cos her partner is being a dickhead is shit behaviour.

Pregnant women are not some special class exempt from common sense and personal responsibility.

Plus, you can look at it this way - posters are not judging the actions of present day pregnant OP per se, they're judging the version of OP from months ago, who, not yet pregnant, decided to set this whole thing in motion. That wasn't a pregnant woman, that was a mom of two who didn't consider her kids' best interest carefully enough.

Hi op.

I've nothing to add to the constructive advice you have been given by some posters.

I am curious though about his upbringing and the negative impact it appears to have had on him. You say his family are great and supportive of you and the new baby. What has changed?

No need for you to answer, but maybe something for you to think about?

@SudokuZebra

And is continuously berating and bullying op for this going to make things better for her current children ?

If it makes her finally consider how all this impacts them, then yes, it might help them. She doesn't sound like she's given much thought to them throughout all this. She didn't even mention them in the OP!

Get rid and focus on your kids and yourself. Stay single and consider what led you to plan a baby with a man you'd been with 6 months.

That's not judgement, I've made terrible decisions when it comes to men in spite of being an adult with a decent job. It's come from childhoods trauma.

@Doomscrolling

What the OP’s cheering squad seem to be ignoring is the innocent lives affected by these irresponsible adults. Her poor children have been through a very turbulent couple of years, she’s brought a feckless waster into their lives and as he evades his responsibilities, they will have a newborn to deal with. All while starting high school (11yo) and start of GCSE studies (14yo).

The OP is ignoring all that and focusing on her boyfriend’s behaviour and that people are “being mean” rather than considering how to look after her children.

Totally agree, beyond irresponsible.

I'm honestly still struggling to understand why anyone would plan a baby six months into a new relationship. It's not 'mean' to draw attention to the damage this will be doing to op's existing kids and whilst opinions in MN can be brutal, they are often quite good at helping people get some perspective.

I received a similar roasting a few years back whilst lamenting my (abusive) relationship and frankly it was the kick up the arse I needed to take my life in hand.

I wish the op well but I hope she does realise that she needs to put her children front and central, and move on without this waste of space.

@SudokuZebra

Or maybe as they have a different father she didn't think they were relevant to the "young man's" ( ) appalling behaviour towards his unborn child ?

Then she is on a different planet, and it crucial to make her aware of the affect this is having on her poor children, stuck in the middle of all this

You barely know someone at 6 months. I really dont understand what you was expecting out of this situation going into something so quickly. Even a marriage would be better than a baby, which is irreversible

@keegslittlepenguin I wish you and your family well when new baby arrives

[quote EspressoDoubleShot]@keegslittlepenguin I wish you and your family well when new baby arrives[/quote]
So do I.

I hope your two children are OK. They will find this situation confusing but - parents aren't perfect. As long as there is much love in your home between you, you'll get through.

The guy has to be either in or out of the relationship, op. There's no going back now on the pregnancy, at very least he has to man up to be a father but please keep your dignity. You can parent this little baby without him living with you. Thank goodness for your good job and own home!

I'm pretty sure you won't make the same mistake again.

All the very best.

Hello

Thank you for your lovely reply.

What's done is done now, I'm looking to my future 😁 all will be good my children are very well loved and cared for, we are excited for our new addition xxx

Quite frankly this does not require a mn pile on. Op is 39, solvent and in good job. She’s not the first single parent she won’t be the last. No one anticipates their partner getting cold feet and not stepping up, so I don’t see how she could have anticipated this. At time of planning the baby they were couple in a stable relationship, however it now appears to have deteriorated. I do wish her well, this isn’t necessarily the moral or practical disaster that some are predicting. By all means posters can express misgivings but there is a real schadenfreude going on.

@keegslittlepenguin

Hello

Thank you for your lovely reply.

What's done is done now, I'm looking to my future 😁 all will be good my children are very well loved and cared for, we are excited for our new addition xxx

That is excellent!

No one anticipates their partner getting cold feet and not stepping up, so I don’t see how she could have anticipated this. At time of planning the baby they were couple in a stable relationship

No they weren't, and you can absolutely anticipate the cold feet when you moved those feet in 7 seconds before planning a baby. That's the point here.

I love mumsnet. When a man does a more stupid thing than a woman and is pulled up on it, there are cries about how biased the hive mind is and how it is always calling out male stupidity.
When a woman does a more stupid thing than a man and is pulled up on it, the hive mind is accused of turning a blind eye to the male stupidity.

Go hive mind! Hi daily fail!