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Original poster

Boyfriend has lost his head and I'm due a baby in 5 weeks

277 replies

keegslittlepenguin · 05/09/2021 13:45

Hello

Hoping someone can offer advice

My partner and I got together last June, I fell pregnant in January and we both planned the baby.

Before I fell pregnant everything was great,

Slowly he started to change even said he didn't want the baby,

He started a new job 3 months ago and changed more

Then out of nowhere he said he feels time is running out and wants to go out with the lads.

I let him have a full weekend staying at his mates where he done what he wanted

He said he's gonna do it weekly until baby is here

I told him I think it's unfair sleeping out every weekend

Even his family agree with me

I have also had issues with baby and upto a month ago he said he didn't want her and admitted he is really scared about bring a dad

He come to a scan 2 weeks ago and cried and realised he does want her he's scared which I totally understand

After a series of arguments over him wanting to be out and naming absolutely no effort with me he's gone to his sisters

He has been out all weekend again and said he will.come tonight and stay.

Question is do I let him continue his blow outs how long do I allow it or do I just call it a day because he's leaving me at my most vulnerable time.

I do love him and feel none of my feelings have been taken into consideration at all he's been very selfish

Any advice welcome

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 05/09/2021 16:06

Unfortunately there really isn't much you can do here OP. It sounds unhelpful to say the obvious, that this was all too soon because you just didn't know him, but it is important. It's too late now obviously but it's important to understand because you need it for knowing why this has gone wrong. A man, unfortunately, can more easily walk away from a child than a woman can. So for him he can afford to get caught up in the moment, of thinking it's what he wants and just doing it anyway, because he most likely knew and assumed that he wouldn't really have to do an equal share of the work and that he didn't actually understand the work he'd need to put in. But he's still treated you badly. Because it's too late now. You are pregnant and he now, should, understand what a big mistake he's made and won't, shouldn't, make it again. But that obviously doesn't help you.

All you can do now is tell him that he needs to be in or out. That he can't be a weekday partner and dad. That you are either together or you aren't. You can try telling him that if you aren't together he will need to do his share of parenting by himself (though actually he won't have to, but it might make him think about it, and about having his child by himself instead of with you) and that's the only way he can be a "weekday dad", but that he'll then have the child by himself on his time. But really you need to assume you'll be a lone parent. He should have to pay for his child. But you can't make him bring her up. A mistake like this, not that your baby is a mistake just that it was all too soon, has bigger problems for the woman than the man most of the time.

Tell him clearly how you feel and that you need him and he needs to be a man now because he made a mans move by staring a family. That you have to be a woman and bring up your child and he needs to be a family with you or at least be a parent.

He might need the baby to be here to see that what he's doing is wrong but you can't just wait and let him make it more stress for you. Can he move back in with his parents, and them being in his ear about it might help him see he needs to come back and be a dad and partner? But he needs to do that now. Think that you'll be a lone parent but set a time for when he needs to be with you or not by so you give him time but so you don't just get into letting him do this until it's normal and he's another useless parent who is there but isn't actually parenting or helping anyone. See if his family can talk to him. But don't let him stay just so he's there because your DD needs to grow up without an in again out again father, who doesn't want her and is only there because you let him live the single life but he can still say he's stuck around.

grapewine · 05/09/2021 16:08

If you're old enough to have a child that's 11 years old, you're old enough to know that this relationship is going nowhere. Get your head together and prepare to raise the baby alone.

Greystray · 05/09/2021 16:10

It's a bit redundant to inform her she got pregnant too soon. You think she keeps a handy time machine in the airing cupboard?

No, he should not get to have "lad weekends" every weekend until the baby is born. You can't stop him though. He's clearly not committed to this plan at all, and I wouldn't assume he'll take one look at the baby and transform into a devoted Dad. He has his out already now. Once the baby comes it will be "the crying is wrecking my head, I feel trapped, I need my weekends out with the lads."

I'd suggest you get his sister to pick his stuff up, and you can focus on yourself and your other children.

Original poster
keegslittlepenguin · 05/09/2021 16:12

Hi all

Thank you for your replies

Firstly I am 36 I have a very good job I my own home and have 2 older children.

I a very independent woman and can look after myself

I didn't ask for judgement I asked for advice

When we got together we both wanted the same things

My partner is 29 and does not have children

Due to my career we chose to have the baby now as I've gone for a promotion which starts January

I have 2 children a 14 and 11 year old.

They do not know amhyhing about these issues and currently think he is working away

I have spoken to him at great lengths and he states I'm be best partner he's ever had, I want nothing from him I just love him, he remains he loves me and wants yo be with me.

We had a scan and he got upset and realised he does want the baby he was just petrified due to his past and his upbringing which I do understand to an extent

He said he feels like time is running out and I told him just because he is going yo be a dad does not mean he loses his identity he can still go out and do his thing as I will also

But upto a month ago he never did go out so it took me by surprise

I have already got plans in place and very well prepared to go it alone I am no mug and I was on my own before

OP posts:
WaterAndRichTea · 05/09/2021 16:15

So he goes out all weekend, doing goodness knows what,
Then on Sunday expects to come back to you?

Hell no, Have more respect for yourself !

Notonthestairs · 05/09/2021 16:16

You should want something from him. You should want him to act like an adult and a father - that means nights out happen when it's convenient for you both and for him to be fully engaged in family life.

By all means tell yourself that he'll come good but from an outside perspective he's a 29 year old adult using impending fatherhood as an excuse to check out.

CayrolBaaaskin · 05/09/2021 16:17

You say you are 36 and have other kids you are responsible for. Time to move on and be responsible op - this guy is not going to be any help. It’s not helpful to you but hopefully others reading this will realize what a bad idea it is to plan a child with someone you’ve only known a few months.

nimbuscloud · 05/09/2021 16:18

What do your children think about him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2021 16:19

I feel very sorry for your older kids. Please make this your last baby. You’ve both acted very irresponsibly. I think he either stays and becomes a full time dad and partner or he moves out.

Flowers500 · 05/09/2021 16:20

Wow this is one of the most crazy irresponsible things I’ve read, made worse by the fact that you should know better. So you introduced him to your children and got pregnant intentionally within half a year??!? Your poor children this must be a total mindfuck. You’re going to need to get on top of being a single parent to 3 now by the look of it.

oakleaffy · 05/09/2021 16:21

Basically you made a HUGE error getting pregnant way too soon.
He clearly does not want to be a father, and even long established marriages can come adrift when a child enters the scene.

Just be prepared to be a single parent, and please don’t make the same error with male number 2 or 3, as it happens.

oakleaffy · 05/09/2021 16:22

My goodness- I didn’t read full thread- you have older kids and got pregnant on purpose 6 months in?
Just so irresponsible and selfish.

MouseholeCat · 05/09/2021 16:23

Draw your boundaries OP and stand firm, if he's running away from his responsibilities then kick him out because he's not worth it. I'm really sorry you're in this position.

wewereliars · 05/09/2021 16:26

People have been asking how old you are OP because from what you've posted you sound very young.

Beefcurtains79 · 05/09/2021 16:27

36!!! I thought you were 19 at best.

goose1964 · 05/09/2021 16:29

I'm hoping he's being true to his word and is sowing his wild oats before the baby comes. However this is probably a pipedream. You're already a single mum so be prepared to carry on in this vein. I don't think you got pregnant too early though, I met DH in July and got pregnant in February, we've been married for 33 years.

GeorgiaMcGraw · 05/09/2021 16:29

@Flowers500

Wow this is one of the most crazy irresponsible things I’ve read, made worse by the fact that you should know better. So you introduced him to your children and got pregnant intentionally within half a year??!? Your poor children this must be a total mindfuck. You’re going to need to get on top of being a single parent to 3 now by the look of it.
Fully agree with this. Op you talk a lot about how independent and clever you are, what you and your boyfriend want, but you barely seem to have thought about your kids. You don't want judgement? Not up to you. You act, people judge. You bring a man into your kids' lives and try to get pregnant within 6 months, completely shaking any stability they would have had, and then act shocked when it turns out you barely know him? He's acting a fool, but frankly you're no better. I genuinely hope he settles down and you can both get married and have a nice family life, but this is a wobbly foundation to build on.
pinkyredrose · 05/09/2021 16:32

He decided her wanted a baby and planned it.

It's abuse now -as he is absolving himself of his part. She can't

Confused
TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 05/09/2021 16:36

So you introduced him to your children and got pregnant intentionally within half a year??!? Your poor children this must be a total mindfuck.

Yeah, this.

Beautiful3 · 05/09/2021 16:40

This is not a relationship. Kick him out, tell him he can visit the baby, but you're not interested.

ChargingBuck · 05/09/2021 16:41

I didn't ask for judgement I asked for advice
Here's my advice - get rid of the shilly-shallying manchild who doesn't know which way is up.
You are independent, solvent, & don't need him.
Your surname, & he doesn't get to be on the birth cert.

We had a scan and he got upset and realised he does want the baby he was just petrified due to his past and his upbringing which I do understand to an extent

How can you understand it?
He planned this baby with you.
He doesn't get to fuck you around now because of his "issues".
We all have issues. Very few of us decide that rather than deal with them like an adult, we'll randomly agree to make a baby with someone, then change our minds & cause a lot of upset, & need to abandon our pregnant partner for boozy weekends, because, aaaaaaw "issues".

You say you love him.
Why do you think that is?
He has behaved dreadfully.

Why don't you take control, get shot of him & his issues, & focus on you, your kids, & your career?
I think you will be much happier without him creating scenes & making all your focus all about him.

SirChenjins · 05/09/2021 16:42

Jeezo - OP, what on Earth were you both thinking? You might love each other after 6 months but that’s no reason to introduce a baby into the equation.
I’m really sorry you’re both in this mess and I hope you can move forward amicably and parent jointly if that’s what you both want - but I don’t imagine for a second it will be as a couple. Not ideal, but not the end of the world, and salvageable if you’re both committed to co-parenting individually with clear boundaries and expectations in place. Good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2021 16:44

Honestly, all his vacillating and immaturity would be more than I'd want to deal with on a daily basis. And this 'weekends away til the baby' is bullshit. It's simply setting the stage for him being able to take off whenever the going gets tough.

I'd ask him to leave until he figured out what he actually wanted. And TBH if he ever does figure it out I'm not so sure I'd want him back. Because parenting with someone who takes off when the going gets tough or who moans and whines and doesn't carry their share of the parenting load is (IMHO) harder than single parenting.

Many men (and women) become scared shitless when they realize they're about to become responsible for a completely helpless new life. It's a scary thing. But most of them take a deep breath, straighten their shoulders and fucking get on with it. They don't wring their hands, cry, and say they need weekends away. They hold up their end of the parenthood 'bargain' despite their fears.

I was lucky in that I'd been around babies since I was around 9 years old when my older sisters started having children so parenthood wasn't terribly scary to me. DH had never been around babies. He was scared to death and admitted it. He didn't run away to his mates with his tail tucked between his legs or whine about the upcoming changes in his life. He became a father, and a damned good one!

Foxmylife · 05/09/2021 16:47

How old are you both? Very young Im guessing. Yeah, hes being a complete idiot, hope its because hes scared and not having an affair. Is it worth the aggro of fighting over this? Yes he wrong but if he changes after baby, could you put it all behind you?

Booklover2021 · 05/09/2021 16:47

I know someone who was in a similar situation. He was younger, they hadn't been together a year and they both "agreed" to have a baby. He did the same freak out you've described here and, sorry to tell you, things haven't got better for her and now the baby is 3. They're still together but she is better off alone as she now feels like she's looking after an extra child.