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Original poster

help with dealing with ex wife

185 replies

Anya83 · 03/09/2021 12:04

Hi
Would love some advise as not sure on whether my feelings are reasonable or not.
I am in a fantastic relationship with my partner, we have been together 1 and half years and living together for 6 months. Everything is great apart from my feelings towards his ex wife.
They were married for 25 years and the divorce was reasonably amicable. They have 3 children together who are all in their late teens. The problem I have is that she is still heavily involved with his family, which is a close knit family and they meet up together regularly. She is very close friends with his mum and sister in law and still invited to all family events as if she is part of the family. We get on ok, she has been friendly and has made an effort with me at these events.
My partner and I never argue about anything but this. I feel very uncomfortable with the situation... i know it must really come down to insecurity and jealously but i just find it hard to be in a situation in which i feel i am being accepted in to his old life and having constant reminders of his old life all of the time. He assures me there is absolutely no romantic feelings but he views her as a sister, which i have no reason at all to doubt from seeing their interactions. But I am just at these events feeling tense, uncomfortable and like an outsider. His family are generally accepting and nice to me although I appreciate after the history with the ex I am never going to compare to her or the relationship they had.
She hasn't met anyone else since the divorce and doesn't seem overly keen on doing this and i just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional. In fairness to her, both of her parents are dead, she has no other family and I know that this is her only family.
We have spoken about this a number of times but keep hitting a wall. My partner is understanding of my feelings and does not like seeing me upset but also feels a bit powerless as he cannot tell his family to cut ties with her. His current view is that we both stop attending family events for a while just to give us a break from having to deal with it. But this seems crazy to me that he is not attending so that his ex wife can attend.
I'm really not sure how much of this is down to my insecurity and whether i need to work through this myself. My friends and people i speak to seem to echo my thoughts of it feeling inappropriate and un boundaries but maybe I am being too black and white and need to accept some of the situation?
Any thoughts would be appreciated x

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 03/09/2021 12:08

They were together for 25 yrs, not everything stops when you split up.

whoisit12 · 03/09/2021 12:11

They obviously all still view her as part of the family, I think that you need to work on yourself and get over your jealousy or it will end up pushing you and your partner apart eventually

ChequerBoard · 03/09/2021 12:15

They have 3 kids and a 25 year history together. That's not going away. Your 18 months is a blip by comparison.

You will either have to get comfortable with the family dynamic or move on.

MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 12:16

I say this kindly OP. This is entirely your issue. She is doing nothing wrong, your partner is doing nothing wrong and his family are doing nothing wrong.

You must see how ridiculous it is that you are expecting her to “move on” and find herself a new partner in order to make you feel better. That’s absurd.

RussianSpy101 · 03/09/2021 12:18

I don’t think it’s too inappropriate in anyway, I actually think it’s lively, especially for the DC.
These people have been family for 25 years, that isn’t going to stop just because he has a new girlfriend.
18 months really isn’t a long time and she actually sounds a nice woman. You see plenty of posts on here where the ex wife is rude to the new girlfriend and refuses to be amicable. This is really refreshing and it’s good she is willing to have some kind or relationship with you which I’m assuming is for the sake of the DC.

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/09/2021 12:19

So what if she not found anyone else, why should she. Either get over this jealousy or move on with someone else.

SnarkyBag · 03/09/2021 12:19

You’re on a hiding to nothing with this if you put him in a position where he has to opt out of spending time with his family due to your insecurity. He will likely resent you and it won’t help you build relationships with his family if they see you forcing a wedge between them

RussianSpy101 · 03/09/2021 12:20

Even if she hasn’t moved on, she is being polite and welcoming to you so what more can you ask for.
She doesn’t need to find a new partner, she may be very happy with her life the way it is.

Can I ask, are you much younger than him? Do you have DC?

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 12:24

I understand how you feel OP. It is very difficult to be a new partner after such a long relationship, I have been there myself.

Your relationship is fairly new in terms of blending into your DP's family so it may take a while for them to change and move towards including you instead of his ex wife. It definitely took a while for my DP's family to start respecting our relationship on an equal footing as his previous one. Now we are several years in and things are quite different.

My PILs still keep in regular touch with DP's ex and see her, but she is not invited to their 'family' events anymore. My DP did have a word about this with them too, so it may be that next time it crops up your DP could ask that they see his ex separately rather than including her in wider events, since it's not comfortable for you both.

You can't ask/tell them not to have a relationship with her, that is their right. But I think it's fair to request that they do this outside of the events that you and your DP attend together, like birthdays, Christmas etc.

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/09/2021 12:25

Refraining your thinking might help. She is not friends with his mother and sister - she is friends with her children's grandmother and aunt. Instead of assuming she hasn't got a new partner because she hasn't moved on, assume she is happily single. She is not involved with his family, she is involved with her children's family.

She is the mother of 3 children so this IS her family too by their blood.

I think the fact they can be amicable and attend the same events is a sign that the relationship is in the past. And you're insecurities about this is going to fuck up your relationship with both his family and him.

PatriciaHolm · 03/09/2021 12:25

It's not "her old life". It's just "her life", full stop.

She has been part of the family for 25 years, has children who having loving close relationships with their father's family, as does she. You can't expect her to just disappear so you can slot seamlessly in. At the moment, you are a new girlfriend of less than 2 years.

Don't make him choose between his family (and children) and you. Everyone loses that way (and eventually almost certainly you do permanently).

Wnikat · 03/09/2021 12:47

Accept it or break up with him. Anything else will just drive you both mad.

Sheenacollada · 03/09/2021 12:51

It is really hard to be reminded constantly of your DP/DHs past. It’s not easy and there is bound to be a level of insecurity there. I’d hate it, I’m lucky that the ex in my situation is completely out the picture, thank god. I would probably try and limit the amount of events you go to and maybe try and organise some ‘family’ events that you host so she isn’t invited. Start building relationships with the in laws outside of these events.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 03/09/2021 13:10

Echo pretty much everything about. It's not their "old" lives, it's just their lives. It's a past relationship between your dp and his ex, but they'll always be tied by their family. And it is their family. As a pp said, the dm is the grandmother to her children, the only one that they have left, and the sister is their aunt. They've been family and had that relationship for 25 years. She is not a threat to you. You need to find a way passed it. If you start asking for her to be excluded I doubt they'd think well of you.

Brakebackcyclebot · 03/09/2021 13:14

I think what they are doing is good and healthy. I wish more families could behave this way.

This is your issue. Perhaps view her as a person rather than as DP's ex. You might like her.

My ex partner's ex wife is one of my closest friends. It is possible.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 03/09/2021 13:14

Also, he'd not be attending these events because you are uncomfortable with the situation. Not to let his ex attend. If he doesn't host these events and therefore isn't involved in who is invited then all he can do for you is to not attend.

Arabelladrinkstea · 03/09/2021 13:19

Just to reiterate many others on here - either get onboard with this situation or walk away - your issues are entirely down to your own lack of confidence not because they’re doing anything wrong.
Don’t be that person that spilts a family apart

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 03/09/2021 13:20

It is not inappropriate for her to continue 25 year plus family relationships. They are her family.

Jerryandtom · 03/09/2021 13:22

I can understand where you're coming from but how long ago did they split up? And what happened in between them splitting up and you and he getting together, did he have other relationships, etc? I do think it's good that they are amicable and having been together 25 years then it will be difficult for his family to shut their own relationships with her off, but how he feels about it should come first I think. If he had an issue with it prior to meeting you then they maybe should have considered distancing themselves slightly or not inviting her to everything /seeing her away from whole family events, however if he only has an issue with it because you do, then I don't think it's fair to ask that they cut her off because, as others have said, that's your issue.

ChequerBoard · 03/09/2021 13:26

Hang on - is this reverse?

Surely no-one would write that OP and expect people to be agreeing that the partners family should cut off their relationship with the mother of their grandchildren/nephews/nieces/cousins etc?

OP are you the ex-wife? Has your ex taken up with a new GF that wants to exclude you from family events?

StillWalking · 03/09/2021 13:28

She, and her children are very much part of the family, and have been for way longer than you have been with your DP. This is entirely your issue and you have two choices. Either, get over it and accept that the ex wife and kids and going to be at all family gathering going forward, or let go and find someone who does come along with all the emotional baggage that a 25 year marriage and three teenage kids bring with them.

How old are you OP ... is there a big age difference between you and your DP?

UserOfManyNames · 03/09/2021 13:36

Look at it from her point of view.

These people have been in her family for over 25 years, they’ve probably looked after her DC, loved them, been there for special events, been there for her wedding, birth of her DC, looked on her as a daughter/sister. Her very long marriage ended, she has accepted her husband has moved on but she is friendly to his new girlfriend and not causing any issues or showing any jealousy. She has more reason to be insecure and jealous of her ex husband’s younger model that you!

Imagine if she found out you wanted to push her out of family that she looks on as her own. This could cause issues with your boyfriend and his own DC too if they find out what you’ve been saying about their Mum.

I must say you sound horrible. You knew he’d been in a long marriage when you met him? Did you expect him and his family to pull down the shutters on her just because he got with you?

Deal with it or let the poor guy find someone who can.

ClaryFairchild · 03/09/2021 13:41

What would you prefer? To be at war with her? For things to be antagonistic? Of course it's not easy, but she's nice to you and you get along, his family like you and accept you, you have absolutely no hint of anything untoward happening.

Honestly? You need to do some growing up and realise this is a pretty bloody good deal, and you will have to learn to deal with it. Carve out your OWN space within the family, it will not be the same space as she has - it can't be. You don't have the history and quite frankly, you're different people. Be grateful for what you have, and build on it.

Jessaas · 03/09/2021 13:45

There's absolutely nothing you can do about this. She's been a part of their family for 25 years.

I think you need to either learn to accept it, or leave him.

Are you happy for him to still go to family gatherings even if you don't want to?

Sakurami · 03/09/2021 13:51

That is your issue. Accept it and learn to live with it or move on. Don't make your partner feel bad about this. Don't make his family feel bad about this.

My ex's sister is a friend of mine. That doesn't change because I split up with her brother. She is my kids auntie and her kids are my kids cousins. I have also stayed friends with other exes family members even when no kids were involved.