help with dealing with ex wife

[Anya83]

Hi
Would love some advise as not sure on whether my feelings are reasonable or not.
I am in a fantastic relationship with my partner, we have been together 1 and half years and living together for 6 months. Everything is great apart from my feelings towards his ex wife.
They were married for 25 years and the divorce was reasonably amicable. They have 3 children together who are all in their late teens. The problem I have is that she is still heavily involved with his family, which is a close knit family and they meet up together regularly. She is very close friends with his mum and sister in law and still invited to all family events as if she is part of the family. We get on ok, she has been friendly and has made an effort with me at these events.
My partner and I never argue about anything but this. I feel very uncomfortable with the situation... i know it must really come down to insecurity and jealously but i just find it hard to be in a situation in which i feel i am being accepted in to his old life and having constant reminders of his old life all of the time. He assures me there is absolutely no romantic feelings but he views her as a sister, which i have no reason at all to doubt from seeing their interactions. But I am just at these events feeling tense, uncomfortable and like an outsider. His family are generally accepting and nice to me although I appreciate after the history with the ex I am never going to compare to her or the relationship they had.
She hasn't met anyone else since the divorce and doesn't seem overly keen on doing this and i just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional. In fairness to her, both of her parents are dead, she has no other family and I know that this is her only family.
We have spoken about this a number of times but keep hitting a wall. My partner is understanding of my feelings and does not like seeing me upset but also feels a bit powerless as he cannot tell his family to cut ties with her. His current view is that we both stop attending family events for a while just to give us a break from having to deal with it. But this seems crazy to me that he is not attending so that his ex wife can attend.
I'm really not sure how much of this is down to my insecurity and whether i need to work through this myself. My friends and people i speak to seem to echo my thoughts of it feeling inappropriate and un boundaries but maybe I am being too black and white and need to accept some of the situation?
Any thoughts would be appreciated x

Mmm, and it's not like they just had children together either. It was much more than that. The family unit they created during the marriage became part of a wider extended family, which includes a network of relationships that existed and continue to exist outside the couple themselves. So this isn't a case of someone having a child with a partner then expecting lifelong priority. It's about all the other familial relationships that were created in a long marriage.

I'd also think carefully OP about accepting the offer from him not to attend events for a bit. If they're usually a close knit family, there's a risk he will resent you for it.

@ButteringMyArse

Mmm, and it's not like they just had children together either. It was much more than that. The family unit they created during the marriage became part of a wider extended family, which includes a network of relationships that existed and continue to exist outside the couple themselves. So this isn't a case of someone having a child with a partner then expecting lifelong priority. It's about all the other familial relationships that were created in a long marriage.

I'd also think carefully OP about accepting the offer from him not to attend events for a bit. If they're usually a close knit family, there's a risk he will resent you for it.

I'd also be worried if he stops going he may resent you for it. There's also the risk that the family would pick up on the change in dynamics, realise he's doing it to appease you and this would only alienate you from the family you are trying to become part of.

It could backfire and leave you feeling even more left out as a result if they pick up on it and 'blame' you for DP distancing himself.

Taking up his offer to distance himself would also be massively unfair on the dc

oh this is such a hard one. I totally get your feelings, I would feel the same. However from a 25 year marriage I don't think this is going away very easily.

It will get better over time. But I'm usually 'ex wives have to move on... ' but after 25 years and a whole family bonding - that doesn't just move on. Especially for a woman who let's face it, usually becomes the anchor of the family dealing with in laws instead of their own son/brother.

I think you have to ask the hard question or yourself - is this really for me?

If it's worth it - then work out how you can carve out your own boundaries - with him - but you will need to accept he will keep up some family time.

Then it would help massively if you create some 'special' times with you, and his family, and if his kids are open to it, them too. Gradually get your place, your territory to be honest. Allowing their mum/unit to keep some of theirs.

I've recently been, with the dc, to stay with exh's aunt and uncle, and spent time with their children and grandchildren. My dp even joined us for the last 2days. My mother at least twice a year visits my exh's aunt and uncle, and I sometimes visit without dc too. They were and are a lovely addition to my family, and I was delighted when they said they didn't care about the divorce they still saw me as their niece. For me I would never spend time with them in presence of exh, and we never talk about exh unless they ask directly if he has seen dc yet (8rs parenting has soley consisted of putting a birthday card through door on vaguely the right day). My exMIL we not speak to me but exFIL and I have a lovely relationship

Well, my ex-DH showed much more interest in my family post divorce than he ever did whilst we were married.

Because the divorce was my choice, his entire family cut me dead, even telling people I was mentally ill and editing me out of family videos. I haven't seen them since.

He however has continued to turn up to my family events, even funerals, and I went along with it because I was trying to be pleasant and also to think of my DC's.

Finally after 15 years I have put my foot down. I don't have any problem with the wider family keeping in touch with him, I just don't want the awkwardness of him freezing out my new DH and I don't want to dread family events. He turned up at a funeral which my DH didn't come to as he was at home looking after our young DS. Ex-DH sat next to me greeting all my cousins as though the last 15 years hadn't happened. That was the final straw.

So I know there are differences but I do see where the OP is coming from.

I'd also think carefully OP about accepting the offer from him not to attend events for a bit. If they're usually a close knit family, there's a risk he will resent you for it.

If it were my DH, he would need to feel worried about me resenting HIM for putting me in a really awkward position, and then having the audacity to resent me for putting in place my own boundaries to get away from that situation and make it more bearable.

People give far too much power to the DH in this situation and fail to acknowledge that he's supposed to be showing himself as worth being with just as much as OP is. He should appreciate the efforts she has already made in putting up with this for his sake, and he should be prepared to accommodate her if he wants a new relationship post divorce.

I would personally just say that I didn't want to go as much, rather than ask him not to do so. But I do think that if it were my DP that would naturally result in him going less too, because that's just the practical nature of him being in a relationship. I wouldn't feel bad about that, as said before, he'd have put me in a really awkward position and should expect to have to compromise. If his family picked up on it and were resentful, all he'd have to say is "it's just too uncomfortable for my wife/life partner, perhaps we could meet up just us though because we'd still love to see you." If they are decent people they should understand that, she does not need to grovel to them and martyr herself to unhappiness and discomfort to stop them from resenting her.

@Ibizan

I wouldn't feel bad about that, as said before, he'd have put me in a really awkward position and should expect to have to compromise.

Actually he wouldn’t have put you in an awkward position. It’s just that you would be saying that, weaponising his family’s relationship with his ex.
His relationship with her is over, just be polite and gracious rather than being a drama llama. It isn’t actually all that difficult, just requires a bit of practice.

There you go, dismissing people's feelings and gaslighting them into putting up with things that make them unhappy. You have to accept that for some, regular family gatherings with their partner's ex IS an awkward position. Some wouldn't feel that way but you cannot simply manipulate everyone else into being comfortable with it. A huge amount of people would not be.

It's "just me" that would be saying that because it's "just me" that would be putting up with the awkward situation for the sake of everybody else. It's an appalling outlook to say if everyone else is fine with a situation and it's hurting you, that you are not entitled to feel that way and are, by putting boundaries in, "weaponising" your genuinely felt emotions, not trying hard enough to make others happy and are a being dramatic and worthy of mockery. Look up the common language attached to gaslighting.

i just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional

Trying to plan things with her ex husband only is probably something she needs to stop but being embedded in his family isn't her old life. It's her life now. She's been part of that family for 25 years and will be for the rest of her life.

It will get better over time. But I'm usually 'ex wives have to move on... ' but after 25 years and a whole family bonding - that doesn't just move on. Especially for a woman who let's face it, usually becomes the anchor of the family dealing with in laws instead of their own son/brother

You are reducing what could have been 25 years of friendship, mutual support and understanding and who knows what else to just ‘dealing with’.

Just because a marriage has broken down, other relationships around that don’t have to. People are absolutely entitled to maintain friendships outside of a failed marriage and continue to treat anyone involved as they always have. Yes, it’s difficult for the OP but this is not a situation where the ex is making a fuss, being difficult or just generally unpleasant. Frankly, they sound like decent people who’s family you would want to be a part of.

If it were my DH, he would need to feel worried about me resenting HIM for putting me in a really awkward position, and then having the audacity to resent me for putting in place my own boundaries to get away from that situation and make it more bearable.

Which is all well and good, but still doesn't mean that OP agreeing to this proposal doesn't risk creating resentment in DP. If both will be resentful, it may well be that this relationship isn't going to work out.

People give far too much power to the DH in this situation and fail to acknowledge that he's supposed to be showing himself as worth being with just as much as OP is. He should appreciate the efforts she has already made in putting up with this for his sake, and he should be prepared to accommodate her if he wants a new relationship post divorce.

You can't choose not to feel resentment, though. It's all very well saying what people should be doing, but it's what they'll actually do that matters.

And as another poster pointed out, the impact of him dialling down attendance at family events could be quite significant, particularly for the DC. There are multiple other people involved in this situation beyond OP, XW and DP, and he doesn't have control over their feelings or relationships with each other.

Hi OP - I haven't read all of the responses, but the major thing that leaps out from your insecurity is the phrase that the exDW is still invited to events like "she's still part of the family". Well, that's because she is still, very much, part of the family. Just because she divorced your DP it doesn't mean she divorced her sister-in-law and mother- in-law and all the rest of the relatives. She will always be the mother of her MIL's grandchildren. She will always be the mother of her SIL's nieces/nephews. Nothing is ever going to change that. Add on top of that friendships that have been build over 25 years - it sounds like the exDW is definately a much loved family member.

You know this is your problem, your jealousy and insecurity. So if you can't change the situation - which you can't - all you can change is your reaction to it. Sounds like the ex-DW has been pleasant/friendly? Be friendly back - I really think you need to learn to accept the family situation and become comfortable with it, or forget the relationship with your DP and move onto look for someone who's less emotionally entangled with an ex. It's okay if you can't deal with the level of closeness and friendliness, it perhaps wouldn't suit everyone. But if you're not suited then best to move on. Personally, I think it's better if ex's can be friendly and maintain family connections - much nicer than nastiness or bitterness.

You have to find a way to deal with this. She's their family. She's been their family for 25 years.
You can't expect them to cast her out because you've been with him 18 months, living together 6 months and you want their quarter of a century to disappear because you feel insecure that he had a life before you. It's very understandable but it is unreasonable. They are all nice to you. That's good. She has a relationship with them all independent of her ex husband, one they've enjoyed for 25 years. You have to come to terms with that

@ButteringMyArse

If it were my DH, he would need to feel worried about me resenting HIM for putting me in a really awkward position, and then having the audacity to resent me for putting in place my own boundaries to get away from that situation and make it more bearable.

Which is all well and good, but still doesn't mean that OP agreeing to this proposal doesn't risk creating resentment in DP. If both will be resentful, it may well be that this relationship isn't going to work out.

People give far too much power to the DH in this situation and fail to acknowledge that he's supposed to be showing himself as worth being with just as much as OP is. He should appreciate the efforts she has already made in putting up with this for his sake, and he should be prepared to accommodate her if he wants a new relationship post divorce.

You can't choose not to feel resentment, though. It's all very well saying what people should be doing, but it's what they'll actually do that matters.

And as another poster pointed out, the impact of him dialling down attendance at family events could be quite significant, particularly for the DC. There are multiple other people involved in this situation beyond OP, XW and DP, and he doesn't have control over their feelings or relationships with each other.

My point is this - if, having put me in this awkward position, my DP would resent me for wanting to step back, then I wouldn't want to be with him. It's a big ask and he would need to respect if it was too much.

I am incredibly insecure having had my previous husband have an affair when I was pregnant and then being in a very abusive relationship… It’s a good idea to get counselling for this, as it’s making you unhappy and anxious. Learning coping strategies, self-confidence, and how to trust your instincts and judgment will probably improve your life and relationships in lots of ways. (And if there's some deeper trauma, best to know and get the right help for that, too.)

I think what someone said before about they are still married in all intent and purposes .. this is really the core of my insecurity… From what you’ve written overall, it doesn’t sound like you’re worried that your partner is still “with” his ex or wants to be. You say you’re in a “fantastic relationship”, you’ve both made the commitment to live together. He’s sensitive to your feelings and supportive and willing to do what he can to help, including reducing contact with his family for a while. If things are good except for the stress of the situation with his family and ex, maybe you’re uncomfortable not about your relationship with your partner, but just about the family dynamic and your “role”.

In a big family group there are many roles. Of course she has the role of mother of the host’s grandchildren and of your partner’s children, but apart from that try to think of her as another sibling or an old, close family friend. Be secure and confident in your role as your partner’s partner and let his family see you that way, as their son’s/brother’s/dad’s/uncle’s partner. Maybe initially they care about you because they care about him and want him to be happy and he has chosen to be with you - but let them get to know you and you get to know them. Respect the fact that everyone there has a shared past and you're relatively new to the group, but trust that you belong there and are welcome there too. (This is where I think counselling can specifically help, if you’re feeling too anxious or awkward to relax with them).

You’ve also said [ex] gets very upset if she isn't invited to everything… There are times - like a “family” dinner - when it could be completely appropriate for both of you to be there. If you and your partner host one of these dinners, you can invite who you like, but it could look odd to exclude the ex ONLY, and invite everyone else. But if you frame it as, for example, your partner and you hosting or going out for dinner with his brother and SIL, and/or with his mother (and father/mother’s partner if applicable,) then it would be obvious the ex wouldn’t and shouldn’t be invited. Maybe have a small dinner party with your and your partner's friends and have him invite his brother and SIL. Another poster mentioned (from a previous post, I guess) that you have a young daughter - while it could be a little awkward due to age differences, it might make sense to carve out some time for you, your partner, and the four children to spend together.

Also, are you close to your family (parents, siblings, etc.) and do you and your partner socialise with them? Do you and your partner have a group of friends in common that you spend time with together? If your socialising as a couple is JUST with his family, the situation with his ex may feel heavier than it would otherwise. If the family events are very frequent - like dinner EVERY Sunday night, for example - it may help to take a little time off and do other things together, interact with other people as a couple.

@Ibizan I really suggest you read back what you wrote again, before saying you are not dismissing feelings (I notice you did not address the gaslighting).

You said this:

Actually he wouldn’t have put you in an awkward position. It’s just that you would be saying that, weaponising his family’s relationship with his ex.
His relationship with her is over, just be polite and gracious rather than being a drama llama. It isn’t actually all that difficult, just requires a bit of practice

So; no he hasn't put you in an awkward position, your feelings are wrong and invalid, you're overreacting and dramatic, everyone else is fine with it so there must be something wrong with you. By being uncomfortable with it, you're "weaponising" your feelings, you're hurting me, why would you do that to me? You're a bad person. What I'm asking of you isn't that difficult, why are you so pathetic that you can't manage it. Just do it."

To answer your question, I would not be offended if my DP said he respected how I felt but wasn't going to change anything. If he said anything like what you said above, and used such tactics to try and pressure me into putting up with my discomfort and attending these events, and putting effort in to create a close, enmeshed relationship with his family, then I would want nothing to do with such a person. That would not be respecting my feelings.

My point is this - if, having put me in this awkward position, my DP would resent me for wanting to step back, then I wouldn't want to be with him. It's a big ask and he would need to respect if it was too much.

You'd have put yourself in that position by choosing to establish a relationship in this situation just as much as he'd put you in it, but I agree, if it can't be resolved then the parties aren't really compatible.

@ButteringMyArse

My point is this - if, having put me in this awkward position, my DP would resent me for wanting to step back, then I wouldn't want to be with him. It's a big ask and he would need to respect if it was too much.

You'd have put yourself in that position by choosing to establish a relationship in this situation just as much as he'd put you in it, but I agree, if it can't be resolved then the parties aren't really compatible.

Putting myself in the position of not having a close relationship with my DHs family, yes, but this is a position I would put myself in, because that's not a deal breaker for me. I can cope without being close to them. He shouldn't expect me to push for one under the circumstances.

He's not. The possibility of resentment we're discussing is in relation to the potential impact of him seeing less of his family, rather than relating to yours/OPs relationships with them.

@Anya83 Same situation here. My partner keeps us both away from it - they choose to spend Christmas with the ex wife and because the ex wife doesn't like me - we cannot go. So we leave them to it!!

@ButteringMyArse

He's not. The possibility of resentment we're discussing is in relation to the potential impact of him seeing less of his family, rather than relating to yours/OPs relationships with them.

Yes, but in this case he offered. I wouldn't ask him to do it, but he shouldn't have offered if it would make him feel resentful.

I think it actually sounds quite healthy. It's good he's remained amicable with his ex, shows good character. I think it is down to your insecurities and you need to be careful you don't t ruin a great relationship with him over this .

Yes, but in this case he offered. I wouldn't ask him to do it, but he shouldn't have offered if it would make him feel resentful.

Well not if he knew it would make him feel resentful, certainly. I think it may have been a rather unwise offer.

@ButteringMyArse

Yes, but in this case he offered. I wouldn't ask him to do it, but he shouldn't have offered if it would make him feel resentful.

Well not if he knew it would make him feel resentful, certainly. I think it may have been a rather unwise offer.

Maybe, but that would be on him.