help with dealing with ex wife

[Anya83]

Hi
Would love some advise as not sure on whether my feelings are reasonable or not.
I am in a fantastic relationship with my partner, we have been together 1 and half years and living together for 6 months. Everything is great apart from my feelings towards his ex wife.
They were married for 25 years and the divorce was reasonably amicable. They have 3 children together who are all in their late teens. The problem I have is that she is still heavily involved with his family, which is a close knit family and they meet up together regularly. She is very close friends with his mum and sister in law and still invited to all family events as if she is part of the family. We get on ok, she has been friendly and has made an effort with me at these events.
My partner and I never argue about anything but this. I feel very uncomfortable with the situation... i know it must really come down to insecurity and jealously but i just find it hard to be in a situation in which i feel i am being accepted in to his old life and having constant reminders of his old life all of the time. He assures me there is absolutely no romantic feelings but he views her as a sister, which i have no reason at all to doubt from seeing their interactions. But I am just at these events feeling tense, uncomfortable and like an outsider. His family are generally accepting and nice to me although I appreciate after the history with the ex I am never going to compare to her or the relationship they had.
She hasn't met anyone else since the divorce and doesn't seem overly keen on doing this and i just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional. In fairness to her, both of her parents are dead, she has no other family and I know that this is her only family.
We have spoken about this a number of times but keep hitting a wall. My partner is understanding of my feelings and does not like seeing me upset but also feels a bit powerless as he cannot tell his family to cut ties with her. His current view is that we both stop attending family events for a while just to give us a break from having to deal with it. But this seems crazy to me that he is not attending so that his ex wife can attend.
I'm really not sure how much of this is down to my insecurity and whether i need to work through this myself. My friends and people i speak to seem to echo my thoughts of it feeling inappropriate and un boundaries but maybe I am being too black and white and need to accept some of the situation?
Any thoughts would be appreciated x

@crosshatching And saying she needs to just put up with this situation because it isn't doing her any harm, is dismissing her discomfort.

@Twinkie01

It must be very hard for you but you have to remember that she is a huge part of their history, they've had great times together and shared happy and sad events. They obviously like her and want the relationship to continue, so you'll have to find your place in the family.

Our BIL is divorced from the mother of his children but she is still very much a part of our family. She there for big family occasions and her and BILs new wife co exist happily for the sake of their children. You don't get to muscle in and change that relationship but just have to get over your feelings of insecurity and discomfort and find where you fit.

Could you perhaps try to connect in some way with his XW so you feel more a part of everything as I imagine you pretty much feel like you are on the periphery of events rather than fully involved when she is there?

She doesn't have to find her place in the family. She can choose to step away, she doesn't owe them her time.

Going against the grain here a little .I think it is reasonable to feel a little uncomfortable at these events .Sure its nice for DC/EX ,but not great for you! Can he just go alone sometimes? Are you much younger than your partner? If he has DC of a similar age to you ,you probably feel awkward.Its difficult really ,as time goes on you may feel better about it .Sadly it goes with the territory of an older man !

ASofaNearYou but stepping away she'll miss finding her place in the family and building a relationship with them to enable her to feel more comfortable.

The OPs feelings are only damaging herself and DP so it'd be better to try to minimise them rather than keep being affected by something that she cannot change.

@Twinkie01

ASofaNearYou but stepping away she'll miss finding her place in the family and building a relationship with them to enable her to feel more comfortable.

The OPs feelings are only damaging herself and DP so it'd be better to try to minimise them rather than keep being affected by something that she cannot change.

Yes, but this depends how important having a close relationship with her husband's family is to her. I would have liked to have one, but not enough to make myself really uncomfortable regularly. I have my own family, I don't NEED to be close to his.

Exactly, it's only damaging her. And he needs to respect that. She does not have to minimise it. Would you say that to other people who are significantly uncomfortable with something in their marriage? That they should just put up with feeling damaged?

Lots of us go through a period of discomfort before finding our feet and becoming comfortable and feeling the benefit of something @aSofaNearYou

The in laws seem to be nice people. Her DP should not have to feel that he needs to choose between his family and the OP.

The answer seems obvious. OP find ways to develop her own relationship with the family, that are under her control. She invites them to her home or for outings, without inviting the ex. And maybe just goes to the bigger events that involve everyone.
As she finds her own relationship with the family, she'll feel less on the edge of it.

@saraclara

Lots of us go through a period of discomfort before finding our feet and becoming comfortable and feeling the benefit of something *@aSofaNearYou*

The in laws seem to be nice people. Her DP should not have to feel that he needs to choose between his family and the OP.

The answer seems obvious. OP find ways to develop her own relationship with the family, that are under her control. She invites them to her home or for outings, without inviting the ex. And maybe just goes to the bigger events that involve everyone.
As she finds her own relationship with the family, she'll feel less on the edge of it.

Yes, that latter suggestion sounds absolutely fine and ideal.

But I strongly disagree that, in the absence of being able to orchestrate time spent with his family apart from his ex wife, she should just put up with it because everyone else is happy so her feelings are invalid. I would not expect my DP to choose between me and my family but in this situation he would have to accept that due to the circumstances I wouldn't want to be particularly close to them, and obviously that would quite likely have a knock on effect. This would be the consequence of him marrying twice. He can't just expect his second wife to slot merrily into an existing dynamic that suits everyone else but is excruciating for her.

Trouble is it's not just about the OP and her feelings. there are three children and a whole other family to consider and they like the way things are.
This is why I don't date men with children.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Trouble is it's not just about the OP and her feelings. there are three children and a whole other family to consider and they like the way things are. This is why I don't date men with children.

Whether the ex continues to be invited isn't about the OP. How involved she herself is, and how her DP deals with it, is

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Trouble is it's not just about the OP and her feelings. there are three children and a whole other family to consider and they like the way things are. This is why I don't date men with children.

Exactly, some wipes here are suggesting that a whole family of people change their ways to save the OP from her insecurity and jealousy.

That's not right.

I don’t think it’s about the OPs DH choosing his family over her, it’s about his family recognising that the ex wife and OP shouldn’t have to spend time together at family things, plus the kids are teens and it’s not usual for ex wife’s to be involved with their kids’ gran unless they are very young, not the way I see it anyway.

Why is it impossible to imagine having a relationship with someone who is still on good terms with the ex. Obviously you'd imagine that not every single visit to the in laws involves the ex but that is for your DP to arrange.

Maybe my family are odd. My parents were so obviously not together that it didn't matter that they were always at family events. 4 kids between them and having gone through many difficult life events together means that you can't just pretend they're not still daily significant people in your lives.

As a divorced person who has a completely toxic relationship with my ex husband and all the angst this causes as we try and co-parent, have relationships with new people etc, I would say that however uncomfortable you are finding this, I suspect the opposite scenario would be way worse.

Personally I think it's so much better for all concerned if the ex spouses can get along especially where children are involved. I really hope you can get to a place where you can be at peace with it.

@HateJudgmentalPeople

I don’t think it’s about the OPs DH choosing his family over her, it’s about his family recognising that the ex wife and OP shouldn’t have to spend time together at family things, plus the kids are teens and it’s not usual for ex wife’s to be involved with their kids’ gran unless they are very young, not the way I see it anyway.

OP mentioned big shared family events - so stuff like Xmas and birthdays. I imagine if the ex is uninvited to that sort of the stuff the kids will spend as with her and not Granny, which is what everyone (except the OP obvs) is trying to avoid.

My ex and I were together for 10 years and have three DC together.
His parents took me in to live with them for a while when I was pregnant with DS and I had fallen out with my DM.
Even though we are no longer together we are still amicable, he has another GF and I still get involved in his family's life. I'm at events aswell as his GF and we do get on well. I also haven't found anyone else since XDP and I split but that doesn't mean I'm still holding on.
I know everyone else is different but coming from someone who is in the shoes of said ex wife I wouldn't be worried.
Trust until there's a reason not to. It's a good thing to get on with the ex or new GF! Most you hear on MN they rarely seem to get on

OP, she IS part of his family! They share kids, and her ex in laws are the grandparents to those kids - everyone is blood tied in the family to her via three kids. The fact they have such a healthy relationship is a HUGE plus in my eyes, he sounds like he's a decent family guy.

If you're young and don't have kids yet I can see how you might be misreading the situation (not meaning to be patronising at ALL). When kids come into the mix it all changes.

I'm really not sure how much of this is down to my insecurity and whether i need to work through this myself

@Anya83 - you have nailed it in your opening post. You are insecure and need to address that within yourself rather than viewing it as an external issue.

You are in a very new relationship, and have moved in quite quickly, especially for someone with a child. If that’s working you, that’s great and I’m honestly pleased for you. But to anyone outside your relationship, this is a brand new thing and nothing like as significant as a 25 year marriage and 3 near-grown children.

It’s great that DP’s parents, sister and ex have been very welcoming; that’s not always the case when a new partner is on the scene after a beloved DIL/SIL.

Your later posts bring your baggage from previous relationships. I am sorry you had a rough time, but working through that is your job,m; it’s not up to a happy extended family to pander to your issues.

If you can’t accept the extended family dynamic you just aren’t compatible. If you can, you’ll be part of a stable, mature and healthy wider family.

Interesting responses!

I posted on the step parents board a few months back (NC since) as I had just received a tirade of abuse from my ex and his new partner and was trying to understand what was going on in their heads to make them hate me so much.

One of the biggest issues my ex was going off on one about was the fact I had met his sister in law for lunch.....we were actually friends before I met ExH and I'd known her for 20+ years and she is obvs still my DDs aunt

He was threatening to disown her if she continued to socialise with me as it was upsetting his partner (the OW) and he said it was a sign I hadn't moved on (based purely on the fact I'm single)

90% of responses from the stepmums told me I should butt out, end a 20 year friendship and "give him his family back" as it wasn't fair on him or the new partner!!

And I should add that this was only me, his sister in law and both our DC's so neither him
Or his new partner were even involved

Ermmmm…if someone has been in your life for 25 years, why would you stop being friends and spending time together because of a divorce? You don’t get to say who your partner’s family can be friends with and spend time with. You must know that’s unreasonable.

It is perfectly acceptable to not have a new partner for as many years as works for you as an individual. In fact,I suspect for most people after 25 years it is desirable to get to know yourself again, to be comfortable with yourself before embarking on something new. It is childish to assume spending some time alone means you haven’t ‘moved on’ or that attending family get together a with people who were your family for 25 years is about getting back with the ex. Moving on isn’t about who you’re sleeping with now. It is way more complex.

Ask your partner not to attend these events or simply stop spending time where you are uncomfortable?

It’s an awkward situation for you and anyone who pretends otherwise is a fool. But really - this is a good setup. It doesn’t feel like it now but it’s vastly preferable to an ex with conflict, or a partner who thinks their ex is the devil and ties himself into knots to prove it.

Overtime it will naturally settle. As the kids become adults and your partner and his ex get more comfortable in their new lives, the contact provably will lessen but hopefully will remain positive and pleasant. And a family that has welcomed one wife can welcome another in the future if that’s where this goes.

@Tinpotspectator

I think this is a really difficult situation for you OP. I do t think it's entirely healthy either. Not that they remain amicable, but that there is no real acknowledgment of the split within the family, in practice.

I agree and you shouldn't have to be ´grateful' for anything. Having children with someone doesn't grant a life-long entitlement to priority status. (Especially Adult children). I say this as an ex-wife who was excluded from ex's family events and appreciates the need to give ex's new partner space to grow in his family. I agree with other posters that your situation will likely evolve over time and she'll drift away.

Having a child with someone doesn't entitle you to life-long priority status, no. But thinking that you can dictate who others have relationships doesn't work. You can choose not to be in a relationship with someone if you are uncomfortable and they then have to weigh up their priorities, but that's about it. Making an entire extended family change to suit an individual's insecurity seems a bit much. His family want to maintain a relationship with the ex, so they invite her. It's not even as if she's unpleasant to OP on these occasions.