*Please don’t use the term “respecting my feelings”, when you mean “obey the wishes I am not prepared to openly articulate or take responsibility for.”
If the OP listed in short sentences what her preferences would be, it will include demonstrations that the relationship with the ex is high conflict and fraught as a salve to her feelings.
You really have to ask “What is it about a polite and respectful relationship with the ex that you find so upsetting? Do you think that him being in conflict with the ex has some sort of protective effect on your relationship? Can you see any down sides to getting your way when your motivations will be completely transparent to some people (perhaps including him, his kids, his friends, his siblings).*
... What? None of this has any bearing on what I said, at all.
You used the term respecting my feelings, that's why I did, I was quoting you.
The exchange between you and I began with you picking up on me saying I wouldn't ask my DP not to see his family less, I would just do so myself, but do think that would realistically mean him seeing them less too, as we tend to do a majority of things together. Your response was that it's wrong to find it awkward and she/I should just continue as they are, as it's not hard. As such this discussion is literally about my wish to not spend time with the ex alongside his family, and my right to find the thought uncomfortable and refrain from doing it. Nothing vague about it, those would be my wishes that I would expect him to respect.
As to your second paragraph, I can't speak for OP but it's nothing to do with what I've been saying. I don't want my DP and his ex to have a high conflict relationship, I just don't want to have to spend time with her.