help with dealing with ex wife

[Anya83]

Hi
Would love some advise as not sure on whether my feelings are reasonable or not.
I am in a fantastic relationship with my partner, we have been together 1 and half years and living together for 6 months. Everything is great apart from my feelings towards his ex wife.
They were married for 25 years and the divorce was reasonably amicable. They have 3 children together who are all in their late teens. The problem I have is that she is still heavily involved with his family, which is a close knit family and they meet up together regularly. She is very close friends with his mum and sister in law and still invited to all family events as if she is part of the family. We get on ok, she has been friendly and has made an effort with me at these events.
My partner and I never argue about anything but this. I feel very uncomfortable with the situation... i know it must really come down to insecurity and jealously but i just find it hard to be in a situation in which i feel i am being accepted in to his old life and having constant reminders of his old life all of the time. He assures me there is absolutely no romantic feelings but he views her as a sister, which i have no reason at all to doubt from seeing their interactions. But I am just at these events feeling tense, uncomfortable and like an outsider. His family are generally accepting and nice to me although I appreciate after the history with the ex I am never going to compare to her or the relationship they had.
She hasn't met anyone else since the divorce and doesn't seem overly keen on doing this and i just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional. In fairness to her, both of her parents are dead, she has no other family and I know that this is her only family.
We have spoken about this a number of times but keep hitting a wall. My partner is understanding of my feelings and does not like seeing me upset but also feels a bit powerless as he cannot tell his family to cut ties with her. His current view is that we both stop attending family events for a while just to give us a break from having to deal with it. But this seems crazy to me that he is not attending so that his ex wife can attend.
I'm really not sure how much of this is down to my insecurity and whether i need to work through this myself. My friends and people i speak to seem to echo my thoughts of it feeling inappropriate and un boundaries but maybe I am being too black and white and need to accept some of the situation?
Any thoughts would be appreciated x

When I met my husband he had broken up with his ex about 12 months previously. She was still in his circle as she is his sisters best friend. Yes initially it was a little odd, and there were moments of awkwardness. I'm so grateful that we got through it though as over the last 14 years her and her daughter have become so special to me and are such an integral part of our family. We attend all family functions together, and will often catch up just the 2 of us.

Try and look past their history together, instead I think that it's wonderful that they put aside their differences for the sake of the children. You may actually find a beautiful friend like I did.

@kirinm

I didn’t say I expected anyone to stop seeing her/having a relationship with her. I said she should just not be invited to all and every family event.

I wouldn’t even mind if she was invited to special occasions if she was close with certain members of his family, however it sounds like it is more of a regular occurrence and any event.

[quote PussInBin20]@kirinm

I didn’t say I expected anyone to stop seeing her/having a relationship with her. I said she should just not be invited to all and every family event.

I wouldn’t even mind if she was invited to special occasions if she was close with certain members of his family, however it sounds like it is more of a regular occurrence and any event.[/quote]
This is what I was thinking. If I was the DP in this situation, I would hope my family would give my new partner the opportunity to bond with them without having to feel awkward with the ex around. It doesn’t mean that they have to cut ties or never see her again.

His family are generally accepting and nice to me although I appreciate after the history with the ex I am never going to compare to her or the relationship they had.

Give it time. There's not reason to say never. The way you handle this will influence that though. But there's no reason, that given time, they won't get to be as fond of you as they are of her. It will take more than 18 months though.

My friends and people i speak to seem to echo my thoughts of it feeling inappropriate and un boundaries

That's because they're your friends, they don't know these people, and their instinct is to support you and sympathise with you. Even if they think the same as most people here, they're unlikely to say so. That's the downside of asking friends' advice. They like you too much to want to be honest if it would make you feel worse!

I find it really odd (and massively fucking manipulative!) that you are getting upset here about some people being a bit harsh to you online. WTAF. You wrote what you wrote, and then have the audacity to say people are a bit mean to you? What the hell do you think you are being?

You want this woman out of your life because you're insecure. That's fine. But own it. Don't try and emotionally manipulate people into feeling bad for you and pretend that's not what you want when they call you out on it.

Thank you so much , it is really helpful to read the different points of view ( that aren't attacking me ) . I think what someone said before about they are still married in all intent and purposes .. this is really the core of my insecurity I guess . Sometimes I just feel like the mistress at these events and question my own boundaries for accepting this situation and it does at times feel like whilst she is still always present the family don't really have the time to mourn the change or loss within there family as things have changed ultimetly . It just leaves me feeling a little foolish at times I guess
But I really so hear what people are saying about accepting it as it is , her and their perspective and I think I need to try and change my thinking about it and view her as a member of their family if I really want this relationship to work x

18 months isnt a long time given the circumstances from the last 18 months with numberous lockdowns limiting interactions somewhat.I'm shocked you've moved in so quickly with having kids on both sides I would consider you a new dp. 23 years is along time and relationships and bonds have been established. Maybe try and spend some one to one time with your dps family but you cannot dicate who they invite to family events I'm afraid. If its a case of choosing between the two they will always pick her.

Nothing else to add that has not been said already apart from your use of the word delusional to describe the ex wife. I’d suggest you look up the definition and not try to paint her as some one with a severe and enduring mental health problem. That in itself is nasty, selfish and underhand.
Woman should stick up for each other in these situation. I wonder how you would behave if the roles were reversed, would you like to be the welcoming ex wife mother of your partners children and for that be described as delusional?

@Anya83 you technically are his mistress!!
Are there young dc involved? Seems a bit early for you to be going to family events etc

I am the ex wife of 25 years, my exH family have been my family pretty much all my adult life (we were together from the age of 19) I have 3 young adult DC. My exH has a large family, siblings, their partners and my DC have lots of cousins. It was an acrimonious split. I have chosen to cut all co tact with his family as that’s the only way I can deal with it. My ex has a new partner (she was the ow waiting in the wings…) There is no way I could deal with being at large family events. I have missed 3 ex nephews weddings (all of whom I have known since they were newborns). It’s a shit situation. I’m not sure yours is any better, I think it’s a bit weird and actually have sympathy for you funnily enough!

Jesus people have been pretty vile on this thread.

I understand your feelings, OP. My feelings in your position would be that I wouldn't want to attend these events and put myself through the discomfort. I get all the stuff about her being family to them and relationships not ending after a split, but I think people getting into subsequent relationships often really underestimate the impact of this on their new partners. They are essentially offering a situation where their partner will never have, or enjoy, a close relationship with their family. It's not often considered and it's also frequently shouted down (as evidenced on this thread) by people devoid of empathy saying "this is your issue, get over your insecurities."

For me, not liking this situation wouldn't be about insecurity, I am secure, it would be about discomfort. I simply wouldn't enjoy being around his family as a result. It would be an awkward chore for me, and I wouldn't be willing to make that a frequent part of my life.

I would take him up on his offer to have some distance from his family.

OP, no one owes you sycophantic pandering. You were actually a bit mean and unkind in your initial post about your DP's ex-wife and come across as a bit manipulative in your further posts because people quite rightly disagreed. Your past relationships have zero to do with this situation. His parents and the rest of his family sound wonderful. You need to deal with your insecurity and jealousy, no one else!

"the family don't really have the time to mourn the change or loss within there family as things have changed ultimetly"

Come again??? The ex isn't dead!

I'm sure everyone in the family is aware that the marriage is over and that they are no longer together. I'm sure everyone was upset at the time but they've handled it and all found a new way of relating.

I don't see the problem. Your partner and she has no interest in each other romantically - that's been and gone. I think its very commendable that she and your partner and the family have handled the break up and ongoing relationships so well.

This has been her family for 25 years plus. You basically are saying you'd like her to bugger off out of the road now you are on the scene.

Top echo someone else, I do think it would be kind of the family to have some events or get togethers they don't include the ex though. If only in a bid to focus on the newcomer to the family.
Maybe that would be a better way for your partner to address things with his parents? So that it's not about you disliking her or wanting her banished. But you just want the occasional opportunity to get to know them better and for them to get to know you.

Or even more easily, you arrange something yourselves that you invite his family to, without her.

You’ve had some unkind things said here and I understand it’s not easy. I’m an ex wife that’s still heavily involved with my ex husbands family. It’s not because I haven’t moved on but they became and remain my family too. There’s a huge history you weren’t part of that’s the fabric of the children’s lives to date and going forward. I was there when nieces and nephews were born, have attended every birthday, christening and celebration so far and take pride as you do when you love those people.

A breakdown of a marriage doesn’t mean all contact should be severed as the people most vulnerable ie the kids suffer most and friendships that were built over the years are valuable.
I know it’s difficult but the best thing you could do is put on your game face and behave like you belong as much as the ex wife does. You are part of the new phase of history making and your role is just as valid, so own it with pride.
The way the ex wife speaks to your partner is borne from familiarity and it’s difficult to suddenly stop behaving the way you have for 25 years.
As you become more confident in your role as his new partner that behavior from her will lessen. Try to spend time with some members of the family individually to gorge your own relationship with them. If he’s worth it give it time. Good luck

@BudrosBudrosGalli

OP, no one owes you sycophantic pandering. You were actually a bit mean and unkind in your initial post about your DP's ex-wife and come across as a bit manipulative in your further posts because people quite rightly disagreed. Your past relationships have zero to do with this situation. His parents and the rest of his family sound wonderful. You need to deal with your insecurity and jealousy, no one else!

See in your view you're the kind one but there is another perspective you're not seeing, where this is actually a bit cruel towards OP. Her partner does owe her something, he owes her not expecting her to be involved in situations that are uncomfortable for her due to his past life decisions.

Thing is, the dp can't control his family's relationships. He risks doing harm to his kids of he tries, but more than likely his own and op's relationships with his family. His ex was part of his family, not a past life decision. She is now part of his extended family's family, and he really doesn't get to call the shots on that. They can all choose their own relationships.

Genuinely OP, I am not being cruel, but your previous relationships have cast you in the role of victim. And they sound deeply unpleasant; I am sorry you endured them. But you aren't the victim here. There's no victim here, unless you persist with this and then it will be dp and kids who are. It's not easy, but you need to see that your dp has chosen you, the ex is not a threat to your relationship with him or his family.

Agreed

I was the one who said you sound horrible OP due to what you wrote in your OP.

The problem I have is that she is still heavily involved with his family, which is a close knit family and they meet up together regularly. She is very close friends with his mum and sister in law and still invited to all family events as if she is part of the family

You say you have a problem with her still being part of the family after 25 years of being part of it and being the mother of grandchildren, nephews and nieces in that family. A family you’ve only been involved for just over a year depending on how long it was since you met them . There can’t have been many family events over the past 18 months anyway due to Covid so the meet ups must have only been in the last few months.

My partner and I never argue about anything but this.

You’re starting arguments with your partner about this when he, his ex and his family are doing nothing wrong and are actually keeping up healthy relationships for the DC?

I just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional.

Do you even know this woman that you are casting these nasty aspersions on? The fact she’s happy to go to family events where she’s faced with her ex and his new girlfriend shows she’s moved on and more grown up than you.

My partner is understanding of my feelings and does not like seeing me upset but also feels a bit powerless as he cannot tell his family to cut ties with her. His current view is that we both stop attending family events for a while just to give us a break from having to deal with it. But this seems crazy to me that he is not attending so that his ex wife can attend.

You are trying to control and manipulate your partner into not seeing his family and to get them to cut ties with someone they’ve been close to for 25 years, which will also have a massively damaging effect on his DC, (I doubt they’ll be happy if their Grandma/Aunt ghosts their Mum) because YOU have a problem with his ex wife who by your accounts has been nothing but nice to you.

I stand by my comment and I’m not a bitter ex wife not have I ever been in his ex’s position.

What about when his DC get married? Will you have a hissy fit if she’s there then too?

Think about it this way: their break up can’t have been too unkind if they are still prepared to spend family time together. That is a good thing for any disagreements you have with your DP in the future.

Perhaps you'd feel less insecure and awkward if you also saw/socialised with his family without the ex present. Have you tried inviting his parents over to yours for dinner or arranging a wider family catchup? If all your interactions with his family involve the ex I can see how it would be hard to build up a relationship as the new person.

He obviously has a good relationship with his ex and that is a real positive. There are too many families at war, tearing each other apart. Due to their history and having 3 children together she is still very much a part of him as a quarter of a century is a long time. I can fully understand how unsettled you are feeling about this situation and you probably feel a bit of an outsider in their family gatherings. Try to rise above it if you possibly can. They are part of a loving, close family but she is a past relationship and you are his present one. I maintained an extremely close relationship with my ex (father to our 3 children) and I am deeply grateful that my current partner rose above his jealously and insecurity to allow me to do this. I think we would have separated if he insisted that i stopped seeing him and joining in with family events. I had no romantic feelings towards my ex but our shared history and family was extremely important to me. No relationship is perfect and perhaps this side of it is the more negative aspect. Look to all the positives of your relationship and just see this aspect as a more challenging aspect. If it truly makes you feel so unhappy perhaps this is not the relationship for you.

My first husband didn't have a family of his own and my family have been in his life since he was a young adult. I would have hated for him to lose them all just because we very sadly split eventually. It is no reflection on my second husband at all that my family still care for my first husband. They made the effort to invite my second husband and I to events as a couple to get to know him, whilst still including my first husband at other times (which I was asked about and happy with).

OP I agree with you tbh, she needs to stop seeing his family when she knows you will be there and from what you’re saying then it sounds like his mother would choose seeing her ex DIL over her own son, I get where your hubby is coming from and I think the ex wife should recognise that this isn’t right, the kids are in their teens now and so interaction between your hub and his ex wife should be quite limited, after all teens can usually sort out when they want to see their dad without their mum having to organise it.

This reminds me of when my mum first met her now husband, his ex was very close with his sister and when my mum got with him then she would accompany him to his family events and she would be there and it also made my mother uncomfortable, eventually though his ex must have realised that it wasn’t appropriate and so she ended up fazing the relationship with his sister and now they haven’t spoken in years.

I see why your husband wants to remain friendly with her, they have kids but can’t his mother be more sensitive to her sons current relationship and maybe not invite her to big family events and maybe his mum and sis can just see her on days that your man and yourself won’t be there? It would annoy me, call it jealousy, insecurity whatever, but it is what it is.

I think lots of posters here must be the first wife so they are thinking of themselves as the ex wife when they think of this situation. You feel how you feel and that’s that.

This is so insensitive. These people are her family. She doesn’t need to move on. They will always be important to her and vice versa.