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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help with dealing with ex wife

185 replies

Anya83 · 03/09/2021 12:04

Hi
Would love some advise as not sure on whether my feelings are reasonable or not.
I am in a fantastic relationship with my partner, we have been together 1 and half years and living together for 6 months. Everything is great apart from my feelings towards his ex wife.
They were married for 25 years and the divorce was reasonably amicable. They have 3 children together who are all in their late teens. The problem I have is that she is still heavily involved with his family, which is a close knit family and they meet up together regularly. She is very close friends with his mum and sister in law and still invited to all family events as if she is part of the family. We get on ok, she has been friendly and has made an effort with me at these events.
My partner and I never argue about anything but this. I feel very uncomfortable with the situation... i know it must really come down to insecurity and jealously but i just find it hard to be in a situation in which i feel i am being accepted in to his old life and having constant reminders of his old life all of the time. He assures me there is absolutely no romantic feelings but he views her as a sister, which i have no reason at all to doubt from seeing their interactions. But I am just at these events feeling tense, uncomfortable and like an outsider. His family are generally accepting and nice to me although I appreciate after the history with the ex I am never going to compare to her or the relationship they had.
She hasn't met anyone else since the divorce and doesn't seem overly keen on doing this and i just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional. In fairness to her, both of her parents are dead, she has no other family and I know that this is her only family.
We have spoken about this a number of times but keep hitting a wall. My partner is understanding of my feelings and does not like seeing me upset but also feels a bit powerless as he cannot tell his family to cut ties with her. His current view is that we both stop attending family events for a while just to give us a break from having to deal with it. But this seems crazy to me that he is not attending so that his ex wife can attend.
I'm really not sure how much of this is down to my insecurity and whether i need to work through this myself. My friends and people i speak to seem to echo my thoughts of it feeling inappropriate and un boundaries but maybe I am being too black and white and need to accept some of the situation?
Any thoughts would be appreciated x

OP posts:
Sheenacollada · 03/09/2021 21:32

I don’t think you’re a horrible person at all OP. I think you are struggling with a difficult situation. Flowers

TheChip · 03/09/2021 21:35

As hard as it is, you really do need to accept the situation as it is.
Sorry you have found yourself feeling somewhat attacked on here, but no doubt you are getting responses from people who have been in the position of your partners ex, and you are saying she is delusional.

Removing the comments you find distasteful, I'd say you have had some pretty good responses.
I hope you can work through your insecurities so you can all blend for the sake of the kids.

bobandhisburgers · 03/09/2021 21:38

I've not seen any posts calling you a horrible person. You asked people to honest and they have been.

You say you don't want them to cut ties with her. What do you want then? Your partner is willing to see his family less for you. That's a compromise he's happy with.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 03/09/2021 21:41

Yes, it is down to your jealousy and insecurity.

It is not down to the woman who is continuing her decades long, established relationships. The one you call delusional.

Tigertealeaves · 03/09/2021 21:42

Some people here can be very blunt and it is hard to get used to.

I understand how you feel. I've been the 'new' partner. It is hard because it can feel like you don't get a space to enjoy developing your own relationship, you can feel overshadowed. I have to say though that for me the issue was DP's ex wanting to be part of everything with his family BUT being hostile to me. And we are still at a good place now. If she is kind to you, that is a hugely better starting point.

My advice would be spend some informal time with DP's family members, just you, them and DP. Once I developed my own relationship with my partner's parents, and felt more established in my relationship with him, had experiences together that were ours alone, the ex became honestly irrelevant. I think you just need time, and to refocus on something else.

Sheenacollada · 03/09/2021 21:45

@Tigertealeaves

Some people here can be very blunt and it is hard to get used to.

I understand how you feel. I've been the 'new' partner. It is hard because it can feel like you don't get a space to enjoy developing your own relationship, you can feel overshadowed. I have to say though that for me the issue was DP's ex wanting to be part of everything with his family BUT being hostile to me. And we are still at a good place now. If she is kind to you, that is a hugely better starting point.

My advice would be spend some informal time with DP's family members, just you, them and DP. Once I developed my own relationship with my partner's parents, and felt more established in my relationship with him, had experiences together that were ours alone, the ex became honestly irrelevant. I think you just need time, and to refocus on something else.

All this. Please try and ignore the spiteful comments from some posters.
TillyTopper · 03/09/2021 21:51

I can see how this is really difficult for you OP. On one hand you wouldn't normally expect to meet up with a partner's ex on a regular basis, but as they were together so long and the family has kept the relationship with her it's hard to see this will change.

Have you considered some counselling so you could perhaps discuss your feelings and then perhaps the counsellor could help you with ways in which you can learn to feel about out it and handle the situations that arise? I can't see the situation changing from what you say so perhaps you have to learn how to handle it. The only other scenario is perhaps you and your DH withdraw from his family more but if he gets on well it's hard to see how that would last.

Original poster
Anya83 · 03/09/2021 21:57

Thank you so much for the above . Perhaps the word delusional is unkind, I only say this as she has a number of times tried to plan things with my ex husband as if they are still a couple and he has said it's like she has not accepted reality and moved on .
That is a good idea to spend some time with his family and get to know them without her there . My worry is it would upset her as she gets very upset if she isn't invited to everything so it is really tricky to manage x

OP posts:
Thepollonator · 03/09/2021 22:03

I was married to my ex for 24yrs and I love his family as they love me too, I've known them all since I was 16! I get invited and attend many family get togethers much to my ex husbands partners disgust but I see this as what it is and that's HER problem not mine! My ex has no problem with my being there. I would be devastated if they just cut me off because I left him as they are my 'real family!
That's not to say that they don't welcome the new partner because they definitely do.

Ibizan · 03/09/2021 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jessaas · 03/09/2021 22:18

I don't think anyone has been horrible or attacking on here in their replies?!

Blunt and straightforward maybe, but isn't that why people ask questions on Mumsnet?

Aliceclara · 03/09/2021 22:18

@Anya83
It's really unfair that some people have been so unkind to you. This is a difficult situation for you and having insecurities isn't a crime. It's very hard to 'find your place' in a family when it already seems to be filled by someone else. If your partners ex wife had a partner of her own you would no doubt feel more comfortable. I feel for you, as I know I would find this really hard. However, I don't see a way around it without making it more difficult for you to become part of this family set up. It's a great thing that she is making an effort with you, and that's also a sign she too has moved on. That's good news. I think you almost have to create 'your' space in this family in your own mind. You are your partners chosen one. She holds the 'extra' space as his ex, who happens to remain a loved member of the family. If you can see your place in this way, it might help you to graciously accept hers. You will be the bigger person for doing so. I feel for you OP. But I think your jealousy is unfounded. 💐

brittleheadgirl · 03/09/2021 22:20

I'd advise you to tread very carefully.
I'm still close to my ex mil, sil, bil etc and am still very close to my nieces & nephews too.
It's not my 'old life' it's part of my current life eg my dcs lives.

My ex dhs new wife tried very hard to totally erase me, the result being that she's generally kept at arms length by everyone and pretty much hated by some.

Aliceclara · 03/09/2021 22:24

@Jessaas
Several people have said OP sounds like a horrible person which is I would say is an unfounded and ignorant verbal attack

saraclara · 03/09/2021 22:29

I've really not seen venom here. But you really aren't only going to get replies that agree with you, on here. That's what's useful about this forum. You get objective opinions, rather than the sort of thing real life friends say to you because they feel obliged to sympathise with you.

This woman has no other family, and clearly loves her ex-inlaws and they love her too. I had that sort of relationship with my PILs and the extended inlaw family. They took me into their hearts and I love every one of them.

Had my late DH and I split up after 25 years, I can't imagine not having contact with them. They pretty much were my family. And they considered me a full member of theirs. If I was forced not to see them, I think they'd have been as distressed as me. And certainly would have been a lot less likely to welcome a new partner into the family.

Your partner and his ex made a clear decision to split up. Neither seems to have any regrets, and she is welcoming and pleasant to you. So it's really down to you. You have three choices - a) you accept that, b) you tell the family they're not to see her any more (or tell your DH to) and risk never being accepted by them, or c) you leave him.

crosshatching · 03/09/2021 22:30

The thing is OP your insecurities are your issue to deal with. If you don't it wouldn't matter if his family did cut her off, they'd resurface somewhere else.

Also would you really be happy if they did? Can you not think it through? Not everyone wants a relationship, she might be living her best life and have a 25-year old FWB for all you know!

Families shapeshift and change all the time, there's plenty of room for you both from the sounds of things.

PussInBin20 · 03/09/2021 22:35

I am actually with you OP. I wouldn’t like it either. There’s one thing still having a relationship with his family but that doesn’t mean she has to regularly attend all the same parties/family events as before.

I think there does need to be a change. I’m not suggesting they cut her off but I do think it is not fair on you. He has a new life now and that should be acknowledged in my opinion. I feel it’s a bit disrespectful of them.

Not sure what you can do though really. It must be like this at Rod Stewart’s house at Xmas with all his exes together but I guess it “pays”them to keep the peace. I find it a bit odd personally.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/09/2021 22:37

She is “part of the family” and always will be. You need to accept that.

kirinm · 03/09/2021 22:38

@PussInBin20

I am actually with you OP. I wouldn’t like it either. There’s one thing still having a relationship with his family but that doesn’t mean she has to regularly attend all the same parties/family events as before.

I think there does need to be a change. I’m not suggesting they cut her off but I do think it is not fair on you. He has a new life now and that should be acknowledged in my opinion. I feel it’s a bit disrespectful of them.

Not sure what you can do though really. It must be like this at Rod Stewart’s house at Xmas with all his exes together but I guess it “pays”them to keep the peace. I find it a bit odd personally.

I think it's weird that you would expect anyone to stop seeing someone they had known and cared about for 25 years for anyone else. It's more than weird it's kind of pathetic.
Sittingonabench · 03/09/2021 22:41

Being insecure in such a situation is completely normal and so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. But you are going to have to accept that the connection she has made with the family did not end when they separated and sounds like they all want to continue so she isn’t going anywhere. Your DH needs to alter how he handles her and put in some boundaries when it comes to him though. It may be in the further you can all be firm friends and out having drinks but not until you are feeling completely secure. I agree you need to form connections with his family independently - one on one. You aren’t replacing her - you are an individual who is entitled to carve out your own place in the family. Down the line if it’s still all amicable I would suggest you make an effort to develop a friendship with her - this will make it easier on the rest of the family to bond closer with you as well as hopefully alleviate some of the insecurity but you DH will need to keep boundaries in place. It could be amazing, it could be disastrous but that’s the same as any relationship

Durbeyfield · 03/09/2021 22:42

He’s still married to her and their family. To all intents and purposes. Sorry, it’s harsh but true. I was in a very similar situation.

Tinpotspectator · 03/09/2021 22:44

I think this is a really difficult situation for you OP. I do t think it's entirely healthy either. Not that they remain amicable, but that there is no real acknowledgment of the split within the family, in practice.

Pinkandwhitewafer · 03/09/2021 22:45

@Anya83
i know it must really come down to insecurity and jealously but i just find it hard to be in a situation in which i feel i am being accepted in to his old life and having constant reminders of his old life all of the time.

she is part of the family as she is the mother of 3 family members. i would be grateful she is being so welcoming and everyone gets on. Imagine if she said "ok, you have his future and stay out of his past and anything from before you". How would you feel if their children banned you from family events and weddings of theirs as they chose between you and their mother. All new baby things would be hers, as theyre her children. and you could have the future with his family at BBQs. Basically youre wanting his family to choose between you both.

mobear · 03/09/2021 22:50

My DP’s ex partner was like this for the first three or four years after they broke up. It then petered out and ended when she got a boyfriend. It actually rather irritates me now how much she neglects his family who showed her such kindness over the years. I think you need to let this run it’s course. Interfering will only damage your relationship with DP.

Californiansunsets · 03/09/2021 22:51

I was with my ex for 36 years and when we split ALL his family told me I would always be classed as family. For me they are and always will be my family, even if I met someone else.

The problem is yours and yours alone. You say she seems to be holding onto her old life, well she isn’t living her old life, she is mixing with her family, you say she isn’t moving on, it seems you have come to that conclusion because she hasn’t met anyone else, so what if she hasn’t met anyone else, that’s no big deal, it doesn’t mean she hasn’t moved on, and even if she did meet someone else, she will probably still mix with her inlaws because they are her family, they are her children’s family.

ALL of this is down to your insecurities, and you need to find a way to help you sort through it or it will fester away at you.