help with dealing with ex wife

[Anya83]

Hi
Would love some advise as not sure on whether my feelings are reasonable or not.
I am in a fantastic relationship with my partner, we have been together 1 and half years and living together for 6 months. Everything is great apart from my feelings towards his ex wife.
They were married for 25 years and the divorce was reasonably amicable. They have 3 children together who are all in their late teens. The problem I have is that she is still heavily involved with his family, which is a close knit family and they meet up together regularly. She is very close friends with his mum and sister in law and still invited to all family events as if she is part of the family. We get on ok, she has been friendly and has made an effort with me at these events.
My partner and I never argue about anything but this. I feel very uncomfortable with the situation... i know it must really come down to insecurity and jealously but i just find it hard to be in a situation in which i feel i am being accepted in to his old life and having constant reminders of his old life all of the time. He assures me there is absolutely no romantic feelings but he views her as a sister, which i have no reason at all to doubt from seeing their interactions. But I am just at these events feeling tense, uncomfortable and like an outsider. His family are generally accepting and nice to me although I appreciate after the history with the ex I am never going to compare to her or the relationship they had.
She hasn't met anyone else since the divorce and doesn't seem overly keen on doing this and i just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional. In fairness to her, both of her parents are dead, she has no other family and I know that this is her only family.
We have spoken about this a number of times but keep hitting a wall. My partner is understanding of my feelings and does not like seeing me upset but also feels a bit powerless as he cannot tell his family to cut ties with her. His current view is that we both stop attending family events for a while just to give us a break from having to deal with it. But this seems crazy to me that he is not attending so that his ex wife can attend.
I'm really not sure how much of this is down to my insecurity and whether i need to work through this myself. My friends and people i speak to seem to echo my thoughts of it feeling inappropriate and un boundaries but maybe I am being too black and white and need to accept some of the situation?
Any thoughts would be appreciated x

I can understand why you'd feel awkward, but 25 years and 3 children mean that she is an integral part of the family.

You say she's delusional and wants to hang onto her old life, but it's not her old life, it's her current life, being with her family of 25 years, all of whom have blood ties with her 3 children.

The non attendance at events as suggested by your DP would just appear churlish and could backfire. You can't expect that the ex wife and her 3 children are all just going to fade away so you either have to learn to live with it or part ways.

@UserOfManyNames

Look at it from her point of view.

These people have been in her family for over 25 years, they’ve probably looked after her DC, loved them, been there for special events, been there for her wedding, birth of her DC, looked on her as a daughter/sister. Her very long marriage ended, she has accepted her husband has moved on but she is friendly to his new girlfriend and not causing any issues or showing any jealousy. She has more reason to be insecure and jealous of her ex husband’s younger model that you!

Imagine if she found out you wanted to push her out of family that she looks on as her own. This could cause issues with your boyfriend and his own DC too if they find out what you’ve been saying about their Mum.

I must say you sound horrible. You knew he’d been in a long marriage when you met him? Did you expect him and his family to pull down the shutters on her just because he got with you?

Deal with it or let the poor guy find someone who can.

This!! Thanks fir saving me writing it out!!

@Anya83. It might be difficult to be reminded of their past together, but it's something you need to deal with. Really it shows you what decent people they all are, including his ex wife who has been nothing but friendly to you! Your partner treats her like a sister, they're not sneaking off snogging in a spare room

Open your eyes to what a lovely guy he is & what lovely people his family are and start counting your blessings instead of making ridiculous comments

It's not her past life, it's her life, she's not delusional, she's just getting on with life post divorce. She doesn't have to have a new partner if she doesn't want one just to prove she's 'moved on'.

In the nicest possible way, your insecurity is what you need to address.

This isn't unusual at all and you need to get over yourself. My parents were together for 27 years. Divorced over 25 years ago now but still talk to each other on the phone, still join in all family events etc.

But she IS part of their family. She is the mother of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews. I think its lovely that they are getting on so well, but I do understand how it would make you feel. Hopefully you get used to it and you're able to get on with her as well as everyone else does.

I echo what everyone else has said, it’s not unusual - it was the case with my husband and his ex wife (together a fraction of the time your partner and ex were) and will close family as well who split up many many years ago but we still invite both to family events - with their respective new families.

Family is those people you hold close, just because your partner and ex wife aren’t together it doesn’t mean they aren’t fond of each other nor do they stop caring about each other.

Honestly you need to suck it up if you want the relationship to work and have any longevity.
L

Out of interest, OP, what do you think your dh should actually do about this? Tell them they can’t see her? That’s not likely to improve your relationship with them is it?

Aside from these family occasions, does he make you feel loved and appreciated, and secure in your relationship? If he does, focus on that, and when you're at the family gatherings just pin a smile on and try to see everyone as potential friends. You're with him now. He has moved in from her. Have confidence.

This is something you will need to come to terms with. It’s your insecurity and Jealousy. Be thankful that she doesn’t make an effort with you as some ex wife’s wouldn’t. You need to work on yourself or accept that this is not for you and move on.

Does

I actually think this is how divorce should be when there are children involved.
Showing them that they are loved enough for their parents to remain amicable and friendly and that they are all part of one (now) bigger family unit.

This is her life and you’re coming into it - she isn’t encroaching on your space. She is part of their family, the mother of their blood relations.

OP you will need to change your thinking towards this or you’re going to end up consumed with jealousy and unhappiness.

Perhaps in time she will move aside a little, perhaps she will find a new partner and not be quite so visible in the family unit. Especially as children grow older etc.
But she is always going to be there and she’s always going to be known as the first wife and hold a special place in their family unit.

If you can find your own space which works alongside her you will be much happier I’m sure. And if you can’t accept it then you’re probably going to have to rethink your relationship.

Asking your ex to take a back step from his family because you are insecure and jealous of her importance is wrong - deal with your insecurity first then see if you are still at odds with the dynamic.

Some people don’t believe ex’s should be friends - maybe you are one of those people. Not necessarily wrong but not well suited to a relationship someone who is friends with their ex.

@ChequerBoard

Hang on - is this reverse?

Surely no-one would write that OP and expect people to be agreeing that the partners family should cut off their relationship with the mother of their grandchildren/nephews/nieces/cousins etc?

OP are you the ex-wife? Has your ex taken up with a new GF that wants to exclude you from family events?

I wondered this too. My exHs partner has this exact attitude towards me (which is rich given she was the OW). He's told his mum and sister that if they continue to have a relationship with me (their grandchild/nieces mum), he will cut all ties with them.

She 'banned' my Dds dad from parents nights, nativities etc as he'd be "in my presence"

My poor DD has been asked not to talk about me in front of the new partner, she even goes as far as when my daughter arrives to visit for the day she changes her out of the outfit I bought into one that she bought herself, then changes her back at pick up time: Even said to my poor DD that she doesn't like being reminded of me.

If it wasn't hurtful to my DD I'd just find it all quite sad and pathetic. Most insecure person I've ever met!

Don't think this is a reverse, going by past posts from OP.

She hasn't met anyone else since the divorce and doesn't seem overly keen on doing this and i just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional

Who says you need someone else to move on from an ex? I've moved on from my ex but haven't met anyone else yet. I don't want to. Not everyone needs a partner.

I'm not sure what is delusional about keeping in touch with her extended family - which is what they are.

Accept it or move on to someone elae

I'm still friends with my exs family.they are my family and my kids family as well. They've accepted my new partner as well

She is their family OP, independent of him, she is the mother of their grandchildren and 25+ years (assuming they were together a bit before they were married) SIL/DIL.

Family is not just blood.

Try and turn it around, it was an amicable divorce and despite all the family love towards her he still decided to separate. Do you not think there were many family meetings and conversations to keep them together? And if all that didn't work I am sure their decision to split was final.

Your boyfriend has offered to not go to family gatherings for you. So he is choosing you. Be the bigger person here, either let him go to some events alone if you can't face it or put your glad rags on and see if you can enjoy what sounds like a lovely, embracing, non-judgemental, accepting family as part of who you are as well.

She might be happy he has you, but you'll never know if you don't give her a chance.

No all break-ups are "her or me".

They, he, her all sound ok actually, can you not try and begin thinking that it's better to be part of a family like this than one tearing themselves apart having to choose between the teenagers parents because they can't be in the same garden together, with or without the new girlfriend.

Have faith.

Why should her life have to change because you want it to? How mean. You call her delusional. So mean. I think you need to grow up

Well I think that counts as unanimous in MN terms.

Not coming back OP?

If it wasn't for the length of time that you have been with your partner, this could be me. Ex's family invite me to events.

Doubt OP will be back.

From someone who wasn’t allowed near their partners kids or majority of his family please pick your battles!!

Sorry Op, but it doesnt appear that you are equipped with the necessary emotional tool kit to deal with this so best move on.

If you try and alienate his ex his family will never accept you.

How many famiy events are there ? We've had covid for the last couple of years - are these special birthdays or something or just family bbqs.
I would think once the DCs leave home the get togethers might be less.

I can see you might feel a bit of a gooseberry. I don't think I'd be mad to join these events too much.

I've never posted on a forum like this before and am so shocked by the complete lack of compassion . If you read my question I am clearly questioning if this is my insecurity or jealously and am willing to accept that . But for people to say I am a horrible person and a number of other criticisms is just very hurtful , I was just asking for supportive responses from people outside of my circle who seem to share my view . A lot of the comments are nothing short of mean actually .
Before you decide to just berate someone online again please think the reasons behind their question. I am incredibly insecure having had my previous husband have an affair when I was pregnant and then being in a very abusive relationship so I'm aware my thinking might be flawed from that and that was why I was seeking outside opinions . I never expected such an attack and found it really quote upsetting .
Thank you to those who read the post and showed some kindness

What does your past relationships with men have to do with your jealousy towards this woman? I can't see how that is relevant at all here. You're not accusing her or your new boyfriend of cheating. You're jealous of her relationship with her family (by marriage but seemingly her only family) of 25 years!

'Supportive responses' does that mean you were just looking for agreement? She's done nothing wrong , his family have done nothing wrong, he has done nothing wrong. They are her family.

You need to let this go or move on.

Honestly really shocked by the venom of this post , please think before responding. At no point in my post have I said I want them to cut ties with her or stop her seeing her family , I would walk away before that happened as that would be awful for everyone especially there children . To say I am a horrible person when I'm simply asking for some supportive and yes honest other women's viewpoints is cruel and slightly ridiculous