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Original poster

help with dealing with ex wife

185 replies

Anya83 · 03/09/2021 12:04

Hi
Would love some advise as not sure on whether my feelings are reasonable or not.
I am in a fantastic relationship with my partner, we have been together 1 and half years and living together for 6 months. Everything is great apart from my feelings towards his ex wife.
They were married for 25 years and the divorce was reasonably amicable. They have 3 children together who are all in their late teens. The problem I have is that she is still heavily involved with his family, which is a close knit family and they meet up together regularly. She is very close friends with his mum and sister in law and still invited to all family events as if she is part of the family. We get on ok, she has been friendly and has made an effort with me at these events.
My partner and I never argue about anything but this. I feel very uncomfortable with the situation... i know it must really come down to insecurity and jealously but i just find it hard to be in a situation in which i feel i am being accepted in to his old life and having constant reminders of his old life all of the time. He assures me there is absolutely no romantic feelings but he views her as a sister, which i have no reason at all to doubt from seeing their interactions. But I am just at these events feeling tense, uncomfortable and like an outsider. His family are generally accepting and nice to me although I appreciate after the history with the ex I am never going to compare to her or the relationship they had.
She hasn't met anyone else since the divorce and doesn't seem overly keen on doing this and i just feel she has not moved on and wants to just keep living her old life, which feels almost delusional. In fairness to her, both of her parents are dead, she has no other family and I know that this is her only family.
We have spoken about this a number of times but keep hitting a wall. My partner is understanding of my feelings and does not like seeing me upset but also feels a bit powerless as he cannot tell his family to cut ties with her. His current view is that we both stop attending family events for a while just to give us a break from having to deal with it. But this seems crazy to me that he is not attending so that his ex wife can attend.
I'm really not sure how much of this is down to my insecurity and whether i need to work through this myself. My friends and people i speak to seem to echo my thoughts of it feeling inappropriate and un boundaries but maybe I am being too black and white and need to accept some of the situation?
Any thoughts would be appreciated x

OP posts:
LoislovesStewie · 04/09/2021 05:41

If I knew somebody for nearly 30 years, which could well be the case here, if I loved them, met them socially, had support from them and then suddenly they told me I was going to be cut off from that, how would I feel? Pretty devastated I would think. Do you want his ex to feel that way? How would you feel if that was you? Can you not feel any compassion for her? I know the divorce was 'amicable' but it might still have been difficult, and she might well feel that she doesn't want to lose the love and support of the wider family. How does that affect you? Love isn't a defined amount that once given is gone forever, it's infinite and the family can still love you.

shiningcuckoo · 04/09/2021 05:48

She has her own relationships with your DHs family members. She shouldnt have to let those go for a new
Partner. And the fact that she doesn't have a new partner doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. Identity isn't tied to whether you are in a romantic relationship.

Stircraazy · 04/09/2021 05:54

This is so insensitive. These people are her family. She doesn’t need to move on. They will always be important to her and vice versa.

Divorce after 25 years - but let's pretend it didn't happen. I think things should move on. Not particularly to demand she stays away but life moves on. DCs grow up. Acting as if she is still married to him seems odd to me.

RantyAunty · 04/09/2021 06:26

I'd leave this.

He has DC who are nearly grown and you have a 5 year old.
I take it he's a lot older than you.

She and their DC are never not going to be part of his life.
I just don't think you're compatible.

Ninhurt · 04/09/2021 07:31

Honestly? I’d think I’d found a genuinely lovely and welcoming family. It’s not everyday you come across a support network that didn’t completely dissolve after a divorce.

I’d be thinking to myself that if the relationship with the dp went the distance then I’d be able to feel very secure. This family are (from what you’ve said) mature, kind and loyal.

However, if it was the case that they were being standoffish with you, or that the ex was being nasty/catty I would feel like you do.

layladomino · 04/09/2021 07:58

It's great when people can still get on. Imagine - his Ex wife doesn't have other family, so this IS her family. Has been for 25 years. Her DC's GPs and aunts / uncles.

This is nothing to do with her ex relationship with your bf, but her current, long-standing and ongoing relationship as a member of that family.

When you are both at events, you are there as his gf / his partner. You shouldn't be at all insecure unless you don't trust him.

I have been in both positions (the new gf when the long-standing wife is around / the ex wife still considered part of the exH family). It doesn't mean anything about the ex relationship. It is about long standing ties with people you like and who are closely related to your children.

Work on your insecurity - you can't punish your bf, his Ex, children or wider family because of insecurities you've brought from other relationships. That wouldn't be fair.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 04/09/2021 08:06

I'd say this is all down to your insecurities which creates the jealousy.

The family fave known her for 25 years so it's unreasonable for you to think they should now drop her just because you are on the scene.

You say you have tried to discuss this but keep hitting a brick wall. What do you mean? They won't stop inviting her to things but you want them to ? Not going to happen.

Try and find some materials on building self confidence. He's with you because he wants to be. The family are nice to you so stop looking for monsters where there are none.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/09/2021 08:17

I think you need to sort out your feelings of jealousy and resentment against a woman who is no longer interested in your partner.
She has a right to be involved with his family as she is the mother of their grandchildren.
This dynamic isn't going to go away for a partner of just 6 months. You have no right at all to dictate how your husbands family live their life nor the mother of his children.
They were all friends long before you came along.
I think you either need to deal with your insecurity or move on from this relationship.
It sounds like your partner is quite happy with the status quo and it's good for the children.

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2021 08:31

@Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails

Thing is, the dp can't control his family's relationships. He risks doing harm to his kids of he tries, but more than likely his own and op's relationships with his family. His ex was part of his family, not a past life decision. She is now part of his extended family's family, and he really doesn't get to call the shots on that. They can all choose their own relationships.

Genuinely OP, I am not being cruel, but your previous relationships have cast you in the role of victim. And they sound deeply unpleasant; I am sorry you endured them. But you aren't the victim here. There's no victim here, unless you persist with this and then it will be dp and kids who are. It's not easy, but you need to see that your dp has chosen you, the ex is not a threat to your relationship with him or his family.

She is a past life decision. That doesn't mean the decision didn't lead to her being part of the family. But it has consequences for his now DP. If I were his DP, it would mean me not wanting to socialise with his family very much at all, and he would have to accept that, because it wouldn't be fair for him to put me in that position.

People are responding as though the only possible solution is to try and stop the ex from seeing his family. I don't think that's the case, but I definitely would withdraw myself, and focus on my own family more.

LoislovesStewie · 04/09/2021 09:39

As I said earlier, it's quite possible for the family to love and be on good terms with the ex while also loving and having a good relationship with the current partner. I don't see it being either /or.
I also think it shows that the family are kind, loving and supportive which is surely a good thing.

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2021 10:39

@LoislovesStewie

As I said earlier, it's quite possible for the family to love and be on good terms with the ex while also loving and having a good relationship with the current partner. I don't see it being either /or. I also think it shows that the family are kind, loving and supportive which is surely a good thing.
Yeah I don't disagree with that, my DPs parents have a relationship with his ex, and also have a relationship with me. But these things happen separately. I would feel awkward and uncomfortable having to go to events with my DPs ex wife, it is just not something I would welcome into my life. It's not something anyone should be expected to do if they aren't comfortable with it, especially with a massive guilt trip about being insecure. It's funny that some posters have chosen to call OP manipulative, when in reality I think THAT is the manipulative part, and a huge amount of posters here have been guilty of it.

"You're wrong to feel that way, you're insecure, no you shouldn't have your own boundaries and talk to your partner about them, you should just put up with it because this is YOUR problem, shame on you."

OP should not feel she should have to attend these events just because a situation that is comfortable for everybody else from their own perspectives, is not comfortable for her.

LoislovesStewie · 04/09/2021 10:49

aSofaNearYou, I agree no-one has to be made uncomfortable; the only other point I would make is that people who feel insecure don't feel more secure if they start to ask their DP not to see certain people or attend certain events, particularly if there is no need for the insecurity. They still feel insecure and, in many ways, are feeding that insecurity. Surely the best course of action is to get to the roots of that insecurity and deal with it.

Stircraazy · 04/09/2021 10:52

I wonder why this pair of paragons of everything that is good split?

SimoneSimone · 04/09/2021 10:56

It's probably better if you find a new partner without these family issues that don't sit well with you. It's clearly making you feel uncomfortable.

Usertrouble · 04/09/2021 10:57

I am in a similar situation and dislike it. I have been with my dp for 3 years but still feel like his Exw is the daughter and sister in law. I don’t feel I have a proper place in their family and she is still very much involved.
I’d like to add that his family is actually really lovely and just want to make sure everyone is happy and so I will never tell them how I feel.
His exw has even had another child with her new partner and they have included that child in their family and it has her married name so the same name as my in-laws and dp.
As much as I dislike it, I have my own family that I am really close to and don’t really need an extended one.
It has got slightly better this year (or I have just accepted it better) but I doubt I’ll be as close to them as she is or if I’ll ever actually see them as my family too.

I have often felt like the other woman who doesn’t have a proper place in his family.
I just go along with all this weirdness to keep the peace and thank god that i have my own family already
I have also chosen not to attained a hen do because she was invited and I don’t fancy a night out with her. I don’t particularly like her and she has never made an effort to speak to me (despite me have the children by myself through the lockdowns last year)

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2021 11:03

@LoislovesStewie

aSofaNearYou, I agree no-one has to be made uncomfortable; the only other point I would make is that people who feel insecure don't feel more secure if they start to ask their DP not to see certain people or attend certain events, particularly if there is no need for the insecurity. They still feel insecure and, in many ways, are feeding that insecurity. Surely the best course of action is to get to the roots of that insecurity and deal with it.
As I said in my earlier comments, not wanting to attend regular events with my DPs ex wife would be nothing at all to do with insecurity. He doesn't like her, I am perfectly secure. It would just be an uncomfortable experience for me, completely aside from fear or worry, and I just would not want to do it.

I wouldn't be trying to get my DP not to go, but I wouldn't want to go myself. I think that would probably naturally make him go less, too, but it wouldn't be at my request.

crosshatching · 04/09/2021 11:04

But Sofa boundaries are there to help people protect themselves from harm and we haven't established what harm OP is at? I would suggest that discomfort is not harm and that all adults have to paste a smile on and get on with things for the sake of the wider good from time to time. Sure she could vote with her feet and that's fine. But this sounds like it's a happy enough group that welcomes new members.

Acceptance of the ex is not rejection of the new partner, in time the ex may or may not want to introduce someone new too. I think you've had some good advice here, the best I think was to just have the p in law's over for lunch or something, start establishing your own relationship with them. This will send a positive message to your partner too.

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2021 11:06

@Usertrouble

I am in a similar situation and dislike it. I have been with my dp for 3 years but still feel like his Exw is the daughter and sister in law. I don’t feel I have a proper place in their family and she is still very much involved. I’d like to add that his family is actually really lovely and just want to make sure everyone is happy and so I will never tell them how I feel. His exw has even had another child with her new partner and they have included that child in their family and it has her married name so the same name as my in-laws and dp. As much as I dislike it, I have my own family that I am really close to and don’t really need an extended one. It has got slightly better this year (or I have just accepted it better) but I doubt I’ll be as close to them as she is or if I’ll ever actually see them as my family too. I have often felt like the other woman who doesn’t have a proper place in his family. I just go along with all this weirdness to keep the peace and thank god that i have my own family already I have also chosen not to attained a hen do because she was invited and I don’t fancy a night out with her. I don’t particularly like her and she has never made an effort to speak to me (despite me have the children by myself through the lockdowns last year)
This is very similar to my experience and exactly the sort of thing I mean when I say people who have this set up with their ex partner probably need to accept that their subsequent partners are unlikely to have a close relationship with their family as a result. It's just something you have to accept, rather than guilt tripping them into feeling their feelings are invalid as the situation suits everyone else
aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2021 11:11

@crosshatching

But Sofa boundaries are there to help people protect themselves from harm and we haven't established what harm OP is at? I would suggest that discomfort is not harm and that all adults have to paste a smile on and get on with things for the sake of the wider good from time to time. Sure she could vote with her feet and that's fine. But this sounds like it's a happy enough group that welcomes new members.

Acceptance of the ex is not rejection of the new partner, in time the ex may or may not want to introduce someone new too. I think you've had some good advice here, the best I think was to just have the p in law's over for lunch or something, start establishing your own relationship with them. This will send a positive message to your partner too.

Discomfort is harm. Of course it is. People spending their life putting up with things that make them feel uncomfortable does them a great deal of harm. I think it's extremely dismissive and damaging to say it isn't.

I would paste a smile on for the greater good for the occasional event - weddings, graduations etc. But I wouldn't want to put myself through the regular discomfort of a close family relationship that includes my DPs ex wife.

I actually find it deeply sad and worrying how dismissive people are being of a new partners right to feel that way, just because you think it would be more convenient if they weren't bothered by it like you wouldn't be. Would you give your daughters the same advice about discomfort not being harm in a relationship, and they should just paste a smile on and get on with it? I sincerely hope not.

ChequerBoard · 04/09/2021 11:11

@Stircraazy

I wonder why this pair of paragons of everything that is good split?

I suspect he's a serial shagger and the family are used to seeing other women come and go...

Potteringshed · 04/09/2021 11:14

My extended family had a similar situation - my cousin split from his wife of 20 years, and his new partner wasn't comfortable being around her. So the cousin and new partner weren't invited to family gatherings anymore. A factor there was that the DC felt strongly that they would be hurt and angry if their mother was pushed out of family Xmas etc by their stepmother and wouldn't attend without her.

Butterfly44 · 04/09/2021 11:17

You have a massive issue that you might want to go to counselling to talk through. She is and always will be the children's mother. The in laws are not going to relinquish the relationship with the mother of their grandchildren just because their son has a new partner. They have a 25 year history together. It's not out with the old in with the new. I'm afraid if you can't cope with accepting this and moving forward then you should seriously look at wether you should stay in this relationship, particularly as you keep arguing about it. The in laws relationships and who they invite is nothing to do with you. It's their right. How dare you ask your partner to try and interfere. You can chose yourself wether to go or not. She certainly isn't delusional as you put it for still going to gatherings. They are by all means her family regardless - she divorced the husband, not her kids or their grandparents and other relatives. As for moving on, again no business of yours! Not everyone wants another partner and are quite content to live the life they live and the freedom it brings! You sound very young, jealous and naive.

crosshatching · 04/09/2021 11:17

I am not dismissing OP's feelings of discomfort or anyone elses. I'm suggesting that she really takes the time to examine them and get to the root of what is making her uncomfortable. For her own sake as much as anything. She has mentioned insecurities and difficult abusive previous relationships. Those aren't issues that are likely to be ended by her partner's ex not attending family events.

Twinkie01 · 04/09/2021 11:20

It must be very hard for you but you have to remember that she is a huge part of their history, they've had great times together and shared happy and sad events. They obviously like her and want the relationship to continue, so you'll have to find your place in the family.

Our BIL is divorced from the mother of his children but she is still very much a part of our family. She there for big family occasions and her and BILs new wife co exist happily for the sake of their children. You don't get to muscle in and change that relationship but just have to get over your feelings of insecurity and discomfort and find where you fit.

Could you perhaps try to connect in some way with his XW so you feel more a part of everything as I imagine you pretty much feel like you are on the periphery of events rather than fully involved when she is there?

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2021 11:21

@crosshatching

I am not dismissing OP's feelings of discomfort or anyone elses. I'm suggesting that she really takes the time to examine them and get to the root of what is making her uncomfortable. For her own sake as much as anything. She has mentioned insecurities and difficult abusive previous relationships. Those aren't issues that are likely to be ended by her partner's ex not attending family events.
There's a fundamental lack of understanding about how simple the discomfort is by a lot of posters on this thread.

For me, there is no deep root to it. I just don't want to socialise with my partner's ex. I don't like the thought of them together and I like it to be in the past. He feels exactly the same way about my exes, except there is no underlying suggestion that he should have to spend time with them. It's not a natural, easy thing for many, many people. It's just only an issue in situations like this.

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