Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated and now...?

219 replies

Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:06

So my future dh kissed a woman he works with 2 weekends ago. I found out by a text flashing up on his phone that made me suspicious so I read it. He doesn't know I know. We have a baby and things haven't been close close in about a year, together for 3 years.

He usually has lunch with her every day (ordering takeaway rather than eating their sandwiches together if that makes a difference... I don't know why it now does to me) and has mentioned her a lot so I wasn't worried. After the kiss he is still having lunch with her every day just them but the text said something about their feelings. I think I'm just in shock to be honest

OP posts:
QueenHofScotland · 03/09/2021 10:30

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

One place where I used to work, a married bloke with 3 kids and a younger single woman used to have lunch together every day. After about a year, it came out that it was a full blown affair that broke up his marriage. He ended up marrying the woman from work and having another baby with her - but I don't know what happened after that because I lost contact with people from that job (and had moved jobs myself)

If he's still having lunch with her, it's a very high risk situation from the point of view of him continuing with the affair, whether or not they actually have sex again.

I'm glad that you know you're done with him - as I (and others) say, he's obviously still interested in her, so there's not much point in hanging in there.

I would talk to him sooner rather than later and tell him it's over, and that you need to work out how to move forward from this point, as you are no longer a couple but need to still co-parent your baby.

This exact same thing happened where I worked…it wasn’t in Glasgow was it?!
ImJustMum · 03/09/2021 10:33

To the above, i thought that too whilst reading the OP. HE wanted you to read it otherwise hed have deleted the messages and been all over his phone like a rash

golddustwomen · 03/09/2021 10:43

Jesus op, I hope you're ok this morning. Well ok as can be.

LaDamaDeElche · 03/09/2021 10:49

Wow! That's a lot to process. Did you confront him last night?

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 03/09/2021 12:21

Hope OP is ok

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2021 13:05

@QueenHofScotland - no, not Glasgow - guess it's not that uncommon a scenario then, hey :(

Sunshineandflipflops · 03/09/2021 13:05

Hi Op. I went through a similar thing to you. My husband of 13 years, 2 kids was having an affair with someone from work and I found out via emails while he was at work.

I went into shock and I couldn't pretend even for a second that i hadn't just found out what I did so when he got home from work that day, I told him I knew about him and ***. I had packed him a bag with enough for a few days and asked him to leave. He didn't even bother trying to talk his way out of it as he knows I'm not stupid.

So just because you are not shouting and kicking off, doesn't mean you are not devastated. I've never been the kicking off type and I thought if he doesn't love me anymore than I am not going to try and make him.

We have been separated 3.5 years now (just started divorce proceedings now that we are in a better place emotionally), we co-parent well and are both in relationships (him not with the OW surprise surprise). I still feel great sadness about what happened and that my marriage and our family unit didn't make it, but what broke when I read those messages could never have been fixed, no matter how much I wanted them to be.

I hope you are ok. You will be, I promise x

QueenHofScotland · 03/09/2021 14:54

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]@QueenHofScotland - no, not Glasgow - guess it's not that uncommon a scenario then, hey :([/quote]
So it would seem 😞

It just sounded so so similar! (3 kids etc)

CapybaraConnoisseur · 03/09/2021 15:03

Hope you're okay OP. this is unbelievably shit.

AngelDelightUk · 03/09/2021 16:01

How are you today OP, have you spoken to him?

catchacloud · 03/09/2021 23:01

I had similar OP, I was also super calm
In the early hours but it hit me like a truck after a day or so - I hope you're ok.

CJsGoldfish · 03/09/2021 23:18

I was not encouraging her to restrict access as punishment. I was encouraging her to restrict until she actually knows what’s going to happen and to keep her child safe and happy. She doesn’t know this woman and tbh doesn’t seem to know her boyfriend either given what he’s done. The father clearly doesn’t put the child above his own needs. This woman could end up being a caregiver to her child and she’s a stranger

Nah. In 99% of cases it is indeed a 'punishment'. There are a whole lot of different reasons given to justify using a child as a weapon but it is most often used to assert a power that is clearly now lacking.

Children will take their cues from their parents. They will be fine if we make it fine.

Dasher789 · 03/09/2021 23:20

Hope op is ok

FuckYouCorona · 04/09/2021 01:37

How are you OP?

HateJudgmentalPeople · 04/09/2021 04:16

May I ask what your sex life is like atm OP? Unfortunately it’s common that men will cheat when their partner is either pregnant or when the baby is still young (if the man is that way inclined anyway) and mum is too tired for sex, men are selfish bastards this way.

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 04/09/2021 09:27

I'm still here and reading, sorry. I've been in a daze since I posted

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 04/09/2021 09:54

Not surprised OP. What a shock.

Balonzette · 04/09/2021 10:28

He offered to tell you if SHE wanted him to.

He was willing to risk your whole relationship, break your heart, and blow up your family life IF SHE WANTED HIM TO.

He didn't refrain from telling you to save your feelings, or because he was scared of losing you, or scared of destroying your family.

He only didn't tell you because SHE told him not to.

That's unbelievable. It's almost worse than if he tried to hide it. He didn't even bother to delete the messages or cover his tracks. It's like he does not care if he gets caught. Or, like a PP said, maybe he wants to get caught.

I'm so sorry OP. This is really horrible. I dont think there's anything left to save, though, of your relationship. Even withoht sleeping together, he's having dates with this woman EVERY DAY.

Polkadots2021 · 04/09/2021 10:40

@Whatwhaat

Those saying he's cheating on me, would you feel the same without the kiss, just the takeaway lunches while alone?
OP I'm sorry to say it but it sounds like they're in a relationship and you deserve so much better than this, as does your child.
MsDogLady · 04/09/2021 15:40

What did he have to say for himself, OP?

SwankyPants · 04/09/2021 16:03

Where were they that they were drunk and able to sleep together?

QueenBee52 · 04/09/2021 17:05

Does he know you know...

Id suggest Yes ... but neither of you are broaching the subject 🌸

Honeymare · 04/09/2021 17:48

Hi OP,

I am so sorry. You must be absolutely reeling. I've been cheated on in the past, the pain is excruciating. You seem to be committed to ending the relationship. Good for you.

How dare they? The messages seem so disrespectful. Him offering to tell you and her saying no don't jeopardize DD. Where is the concern for you? It sounds like they are making future plans to me.

I think the takeaway is annoying you because they are going in and making arrangements together. What a horrible pair.

I know you are stunned, but you will find your anger. It is well justified. They have treated you appallingly. You carried this man's child and he's been off having his head turned by some office flirtation. This is all about his issues, not yours. He's probably flipping out with the responsibility of fatherhood and instead of dealing with his emotions around that he's distracting himself with the fantasy of forbidden love.

I can't wait for the time when you've moved on, they are together and oh guess what, here is reality and it's not quite so rosy is it?

When you get angry, take action. Do you have other support in your life?

OssieShowman · 06/09/2021 12:48

I am hoping that you are ok, and giving yourself time to deal with this awful situation. Sending best wishes.

frerecoler · 06/09/2021 18:49

How are you now @Whatwhaat ?