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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated and now...?

219 replies

Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 19:06

So my future dh kissed a woman he works with 2 weekends ago. I found out by a text flashing up on his phone that made me suspicious so I read it. He doesn't know I know. We have a baby and things haven't been close close in about a year, together for 3 years.

He usually has lunch with her every day (ordering takeaway rather than eating their sandwiches together if that makes a difference... I don't know why it now does to me) and has mentioned her a lot so I wasn't worried. After the kiss he is still having lunch with her every day just them but the text said something about their feelings. I think I'm just in shock to be honest

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 02/09/2021 21:45

He does need to leave, you can sort the practicalities at a later time, but now he needs to get the hell out of your space so you can process all of this.

Window1 · 02/09/2021 21:46

So sorry OP. Sounds like they were having an emotional affair, feelings have been building during their lunch dates (that's what they were) and I bet the alcohol was just to provide the courage for them to both take that next step.

If he felt it was wrong and his priorities were with you, he would have put a complete stop and end to his contact with this woman. He hasn't. Mentionotis is a thing.

If he hadn't been spending his time and focus on this woman you may not have had the distance you refer to grow as much as it has.

You sound very level headed about access to your daughter and where your priorities rest. I hope you're ok.

wintercoffees · 02/09/2021 21:46

Talk to him tonight

decoratedstandardlamp · 02/09/2021 21:47

I wouldn't let on you know yet. Take some time. You are in control at the moment so use this time to think as you'll be in shock.

Please think of one person you can tell in real life such as a solicitor.

Do you have anyway of getting an actual recommendation rather than just a random one.

Good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Littlepaws18 · 02/09/2021 21:48

Oh and getting takeaway together- the reason this bugs you so much is because it's not like he has made his lunch at home alone gone in and saw an opportunity to eat, it's premeditated, planned, a date together, almost domesticated bliss 'oh we eat together it's our thing'.

Original poster
Whatwhaat · 02/09/2021 21:52

Thank you, little paws, I think you hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 02/09/2021 21:52

Hang on you were pregnant and have a little baby -where is your anger? Love for you -is being directed elsewhere to her. Same for emotional affection etc physical attention

MsDogLady · 02/09/2021 21:52

Yes, their emotional affair is continuing, and there will be more physical infidelity if you stay with him. If he had an ounce of remorse and respect, he would have cut off the lunch dates and texting. Instead he has continued the over-frequent 1:1 time and messaging about feelings. He is fully invested in OW and even allowed her to call the shots regarding his disclosing the truth to you.

Your relationship may have become more distant, but he owed you his fidelity, loyalty and honesty.

TokenGinger · 02/09/2021 21:57

Given he's suggested to her that he tells you, I have a feeling he's happily given you his phone in the hope that you'll snoop. If he had something to hide, he'd be cagey with his phone or delete the evidence. The fact he's handed it over so willingly tells me he wants you to know. I think he's looking for a way out. I'm sorry, OP. I hope you're okay.

Beautiful3 · 02/09/2021 22:00

Thats awful. I'm so sorry Flowers

abw94 · 02/09/2021 22:01

I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, you sound so reasonable talking about the baby and how you won't stop him seeing the baby literally minutes after you have found out. You are incredibly strong and you will get through this.

I think I would ask him to leave when he comes back downstairs and maybe phone someone close/ask them to come over so you've got someone to support you.

I really hope you'll be okay. X

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 02/09/2021 22:04

I think you sound lovely OP and I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Dasher789 · 02/09/2021 22:05

So sorry op. Agree with everything @abw94 has said and I hope you are okay. Good luck Flowers

Yaya26 · 02/09/2021 22:05

I'm so sorry x

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 02/09/2021 22:06

Everything from hereon is your control. You have the knowledge, you have the moral high ground, you get to decide when he finds out you know, and how, what you are going to do about it, how you are going to break up with him. You sound very collected. I was shaking so much when I found in a similar way that my partner cheated on me, I couldnt log into my phone for badly shaking hands, so I have no doubt you can handle what is being thrown at you. It's bloody miserable and painful, but he is being a manipulative bastard wanting two women, please don't let him talk you into holding on to your relationship anden backed into a corner can be very persuasive, he already ended anything you have when he cheated on you

Summerfun54321 · 02/09/2021 22:07

So sorry Flowers agree ask him to leave tonight and get someone over to support you ASAP.

WIS76 · 02/09/2021 22:09

I'm so sorry, is there anyone you can call to come over and sit with you? I think you need to tell him you know and have him sleep somewhere else tonight until you can get your head together. Good luck xx

Toffpops · 02/09/2021 22:09

To all those saying to OP ‘where is your anger’ or similar-perhaps you’ve not been in her position. I found out my DP was having an affair when the OW dropped him off from work right outside our house and kissed him in full view of myself and our daughter who was 3 yr old at the time. I was so shocked I could barely breathe let alone get angry. It knocks the wind out of you and makes your brain freeze. OP I’m so sorry that you’ve had this terrible shock-thinking of you and your DC xxx

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 02/09/2021 22:10

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. You are being so strong.

lyntheyresexpeople · 02/09/2021 22:11

I'd leave his phone on the table open on the messages you've read and sit there in front of it.

WIS76 · 02/09/2021 22:11

@OmgIcantbelieveshedidit

Hang on you were pregnant and have a little baby -where is your anger? Love for you -is being directed elsewhere to her. Same for emotional affection etc physical attention
This will come, OPs in shock!
wingingit987 · 02/09/2021 22:15

@lyntheyresexpeople

I'd leave his phone on the table open on the messages you've read and sit there in front of it.
This!!

I would then tell him you want him to leave as you need space then you can sort out what you want to do. He's more than welcome to see the baby but on a schedule.

Being pregnant and having a baby puts distance and stress onto your relationship so your partner then used another women to show him some attention rather than trying to work on your relationship to keep your family together he might be a great father but not a great person.

bluebell34567 · 02/09/2021 22:21

i wouldnt be that calm in your situation.

summercupcake · 02/09/2021 22:21

I'm sorry, this is at best can emotional affair, at worst an affair. In my opinion it is an emotional affair progressing into a full blown affair.

You deserve a better life than this! I never say LTB, but I'm saying it now!

Jesskir89 · 02/09/2021 22:28

Leaving the phone open on the messages! This i would do

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